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Saudade
The hands were on him again. Hibari stirred slightly in his sleep as he felt the familiar fingers wrapping around his waist, gently dancing across his skin. They traced his hip bones and followed the indent to his stomach as the warmth of a body pressed against his back. Hibari let out a soft breath, his body relaxing.
"Good morning, Kyouya." The whisper tickled his ear like a soft breeze.
Hibari just grunted in response and muttered. "Make yourself useful and go get breakfast," he said as he turned his head to look at his lover's face.
But there was no warmth. There were no hands, nor whisper in his ear, nor body beside him. Hibari stared at the empty side of the bed which had not been disturbed in his still sleep.
Oh.
Romario's lips tilted into a small frown as he looked at his boss in concern. For the past week, Dino had been working like a man possessed. His attitude had become quiet and reserved from the moment they had left Hibari's house. He hadn't smiled even once since then.
It's not like Romario didn't understand why, of course. After the way Hibari had thrown Dino out of his house, it was only understandable that the blonde had little to be happy about. Even though they had finally rescued Hibari from the Vendetta's hold, the prefect still had a lot of issues to deal with.
But to be honest, though Romario knew that as a trauma victim Hibari's reaction was not unusual, he had still been surprised at the manner the prefect had treated Dino back then. Romario wouldn't have been surprised if this had happened a couple of months back—however, considering the events that led to Hibari's pregnancy, as well as how the two had handled that after, Romario thought his boss had finally managed to wedge his way inside the prefect's heart.
But now that things were like this, Romario couldn't help but to worry. He wondered if Hibari had retreated to his previous cold mentality and if he would ever permit Dino to come near him again. If he didn't, Dino's heart would be utterly broken. Romario knew that his boss was completely devoted to the prefect and nothing was going to change his mind about him. The stress and heartbreak of not being able to be with his lover would likely destroy him. Already, Dino was showing signs of deterioration. He looked paler than usual, and the shadows under his eyes kept getting darker every day. Of course, Romario knew his boss' lack of sleep had a hand in that. Ever since Hibari had been kidnapped, Dino had been having dreadful nightmares, and even though Hibari was safe now, it appeared that the nightmares had yet to stop.
Because of all of this, there wasn't a day where Dino did not look tired or miserable. Of course, the blonde did his best to keep busy, but even his newly acquired obsession of searching for the missing Mist Guardian of the Vendetta Family wasn't enough to keep his distanced lover off his mind. Romario did the best he could to keep his boss' mood up, but there was only so much he could do. The only times Dino seemed to cheer up these days were the few times they were able to contact Kusakabe, who was reporting how things were going on his end. The vice-chairman's reports were brief, but it had been Dino's greatest relief when Kusakabe confirmed that Hibari's injuries had been minimal and that the prefect had likely only suffered from mental torture, broken wrist aside.
With things going the way they were, Romario didn't see how things would improve any time soon. It was obvious that Hibari needed space. It wouldn't be a bad idea for Dino to get some too. Now seemed like the perfect time to bring up a topic Romario had discussed with his boss a few weeks back.
Going back to Italy.
Now, if only Romario knew how to bring this up without angering Dino…
"No. Just, no, Romario. For Christ's sake, how many times are we going to have this conversation?"
"As many times as we've got to, boss. You've known from the beginning that we were not going to be able to stay here forever. We've already lingered for far too long."
"We've already discussed this. I thought we agreed it would be fine if we stayed until the end of the year."
"That discussion was dependent on whether or not you convinced Kyouya to move with you by then."
Dino flinched at the harsh reminder but didn't rise to the bait. "I don't care," he said. "We are not going to—"
"Boss—"
"No! How can you even ask me that?"
"You know why we must go back. Don't be so stubborn."
"There is no need for me to go back yet. Bono's taking care of things in Italy in my stead. Things are fine at that moment. No one has even threatened to encroach on our territories."
"The Brucelli Family—"
"—is being taken care of!"
"Then the Gerarse Family—"
"What about them?"
"Don't you think negotiations would go smoother if you were actually present?"
Dino scowled and didn't answer. Romario took this as his cue to carry on.
"Boss, you know that we are all grateful for everything that you have done for this Family. It's because of you that we have done our best to respect your wishes and facilitated your stay in Japan. But you know that you must go back someday and continue on as you have before. Staying here permanently is not an option."
"I know! I know that, but…" Dino closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair in frustration.
Romario faltered at the sight of his boss' distress for a brief moment, but reminded himself this was for the best. "I know this may sound insensitive, but considering the situation, this might be the best time for you to return to Italy, boss."
Dino turned to look at Romario with an incredulous expression on his face. "How can you say that?" It felt like the worst time.
Romario shook his head in sympathy. "I know that the last thing you want to do right now is separate yourself further from Kyouya... but it might be best for both of you if you did. He needs his space."
"What about what I need?" Dino's voice was a quiet, pained murmur that almost made Romario regret bringing up this conversation. But it had to be said.
"Boss… You may not think so, but perhaps a longer distance is exactly what you need. What does being here do for you but bring painful memories? You're barely sleeping as it is. You're working yourself to the bone, and when you're not working, you're pining away. You haven't gone out to see to anyone since your visit to the Sawada household." Romario stepped closer and laid a concerned hand on his boss' shoulder. "We're worried about you, Dino."
"Romario…" Dino's shoulders slumped at his right-hand man's words. He bowed his head and tried to form a response but his throat ached too much to do so. He felt conflicted. He didn't know how to respond.
"I don't know…" Dino finally whispered, looking hesitant. "Is this really a good idea? I feel that if I leave… it would be one of the worst mistakes I could ever make." Dino looked up at Romario, his eyes begging the other to understand. "It hurts to even think of leaving him to deal with all of this on his own. Being alone might be what he wants now, but he's going to need someone to support him later. I know Kusakabe is there, but…" But I want to be there.
"Boss…"
Dino bowed his head once more before pulling away. The blonde's expression looked frustrated and heartbreakingly sad.
"I'm being selfish, aren't I?" Dino sighed quietly as he closed his eyes.
"No, you're not."
Dino shook his head. "I am. I haven't been a very good boss as of late. Ever since Kyouya got kidnapped—no, ever since he got pregnant, I've just grown careless."
"Boss—"
"Don't deny it. I've been trying to fool myself for long enough." Dino's hand came up to rest on his left arm. He tightened his grip lightly over the tattoo that was engraved there, under his shirt. He reminded himself then that he had made a vow—one that he wasn't planning to break. "You've been right to remind me of my shortcomings. If I continue on like this, I'll become just like dad. Though he and mom did right by me, dad failed the Family in a lot of ways. I don't want to let you guys down… not after I finally promised to become the boss of this Family and take care of you all. I'm sorry for the way I've been acting these past couple of months."
Romario looked at the blonde as he spoke and felt a surge of affection swell through him as he listened to his boss' words. Now that was more like it. Romario was glad to see some of his boss' old self returning. However, it seemed as if Dino had mistaken some of Romario's words—he needed to rectify this.
"Boss, it's alright to be selfish." It had never been his intention to tell him otherwise. Moreover—
"I know that I have never really shown my support for your interest in Kyouya—and as you well remember, at first I didn't approve either—but after these past couple of months, I can't help but to be happy for you. I'm glad you found him. I have been at your side for many years now, but I have never seen you looking happier than you are when you are with him. And though I had many doubts that this wouldn't end well due to his attitude, when you moved in together, I was able to see that happiness in him too. Being together is good for you. It's made you stronger in a lot of different ways. Him too, though he hasn't realized it yet." Romario frowned and sighed slightly, wishing things could be easier. But nothing in life ever was. Still…
"What happened this month was unfortunate, but have faith, boss. Things will get better with time."
Dino felt himself become overwhelmed by his right-hand man's words. He hadn't expected this, of all things… The blonde looked up and stared at Romario for a long moment before shooting him a pained but grateful smile.
"Thank you, Romario," he murmured. "I hope so too."
It had been nearly a month since Hibari had returned to his home. His broken wrist had been encased in a cast after having it set in the hospital, but the prefect had been quick to return to his house soon after that. He basked in the comfort of his own home. The familiarity of it. But, of course, there was one thing missing.
Hibari stood from the bed and growled at himself. What was he doing, missing this man, still?
Dreaming about him. Hearing his voice, and feeling his hands. It was wrong, and it was weak, and Hibari couldn't be weak. Weak was not who he was. He was strong. He was steadfast. He never lost.
Hibari slipped out of his pajama top and looked down at his stomach. Still it looked no different. He found it hard to believe that there was life there in him. Something growing. Someone growing. This realization came to him almost daily and it brought about many memories. The man who caused this, Dino, and what had happened nearly a week ago. The ordeal he'd been through. Hibari could still feel the disgusting hands of the redheaded swordsman caressing his stomach like it was his own child. Hibari growled as he felt the chills run up his spine. He wasn't going to think of this right now. He wasn't going to think of it ever again. He was going to forget about it completely and never let anything like that happen again.
Hibari got dressed in his yukata and, feeling quite empowered by his resolve, grabbed a garbage bag which he began to fill it up with everything that was Dino. Everything he'd left behind. Italian books, a couple of his shirts, two pairs of shoes, and a few other things. Hibari opened up the drawer from his desk, grabbing a couple pens that also belonged to Dino and tossing them in. That's when he spotted something else. A small, purple velvet box.
Hibari frowned and grabbed it. It was smaller than the palm of his hand. Hibari flipped it open with his thumb. Oh, it was one of his rings. Hibari rolled his eyes and tossed it back into the drawer only because it looked expensive. He didn't want Dino harassing him for throwing something of value away.
Hibari continued his hunt until the bag was nearly full with all of Dino's things. With his good hand, he carried the bag out, having every intention of tossing it out on the curb.
As Hibari walked back inside, he heard Kusakabe talking on the phone in the kitchen. Hibari didn't think anything of it. Kusakabe had been staying in his house for the past month, helping him around the house, and getting him things he needed. Hibari didn't mind his presence. But when he heard a certain word, he froze outside the kitchen.
"Romario-san! How's Italy?" Kusakabe asked with a smile as he bustled around the kitchen. Hibari furrowed his eyebrows. Italy? "Yeah, everything's fine over here," Kusakabe said, lowering his voice now. Hibari had to strain his ears to listen in. "Hibari-san's wrist is healing well. He's been going to school but the committee makes sure to do most of the work so he can take it easy."
Hibari leaned back and felt a surge of anger go through him. Did Kusakabe think Hibari couldn't handle anything? He clenched his fist and moved to walk into the kitchen.
"How's Dino-san?"
Hibari froze again.
Kusakabe's tone went sort of somber. "Ah, I see. Well, I'm glad he's getting used to it. It's been a couple weeks now, right?"
Hibari turned and walked away from the kitchen.
"If anything happens, just leave it to me. I won't be going back to Italy."
He said he wasn't going back. He said he was staying. Hibari found himself grinding his teeth. Dino said he was staying and yet he's been in Italy for weeks. What was he thinking? That idiot. That stupid lying bastard.
Just leave it to him?
He won't be going back to Italy?
Hibari was in his room and grabbing his phone, already in the contacts list and on Dino's number. But he stopped as he stared at the bed. The bed he's been having these stupid dreams about this stupid blonde.
So what if he went back to Italy? What did it matter? Hibari could deal with this on his own. He's been saying this to himself for a while. He could live without Dino. He could care for his child without Dino. He didn't need Dino. Hibari put the phone in his pocket and went out to the back garden.
He let out a slow breath and sat on his porch as he heard the familiar singing of Hibird fluttering around near the pond.
"That was close!"
"If you destroy my house, I'll bite you to death."
"I'll keep a better eye on him!"
Hibari tensed up and he glared at the pond as memories resurfaced. He stood up and immediately went back inside the house.
"This place is incredible!"
Hibari glared at the front entrance as he headed back to his room. But as he walked down the hallway, he saw the door to the guest room, the one that was already fixed.
"I'll leave, I promise. For however… however long you want me to. But just stop this. Don't hurt yourself anymore."
Next thing he knew, Hibari was pressing send on a text message.
Come back.
Dino was in the middle of a meeting when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He didn't think much of it at the time. In fact, it wasn't until he was on his way back to his room that he remembered to check his phone.
Come back.
At the sight of the two words, Dino stopped still. He stared down at his phone in shock. Kyouya!
Dino's heart thumped loudly in his chest. He felt a little breathless. This was the last thing the blonde had expected to see today. Dino couldn't believe that his lover had actually texted him after an entire month of silence. He wondered briefly if something was wrong, and it was as if a dam had broken in his mind then. Too many thoughts rushed in his head, and he was filled with the uncertainty brought by his many unanswered questions. He needed to talk to Kyouya—needed to hear his voice and know he was alright. Dino quickly began to dial his lover's number, but his anxiety continued to rise as he heard the empty beeps of the other line and no response.
"Come on," Dino murmured quietly to himself, feeling frustrated. He pulled the phone off his ear then and began to send a series of text messages.
Kyouya, u ok?
Pls pick up the phone
I need to talk to u
In the hours that it took for Dino to respond, Hibari moved back to his room, just sitting down on the floor and glaring at his phone. Why had he even sent that text? He was weak for giving in. He was weak for sending that… But the time without Dino had been… boring. And in the worst way. With nothing to distract him, Hibari kept thinking about what happened a month ago. His glare shifted over to the cast on his wrist. Then, as Hibari was about to toss his phone aside, he heard the Namimori anthem rise up from its tiny speakers.
He was calling him. Hibari stared at his phone before he quickly pressed ignore, not wanting to speak directly to the blonde. Not when he felt so weak and vulnerable. Then, the text messages started to come in, his phone vibrating each time. Hibari looked at them and he felt a slight bit of relief knowing that Dino still cared about him enough to flail about on his phone. Maybe going to Italy wasn't his choice. Now that Hibari thought about it, Romario had been trying to get Dino to go back to Italy for a while. They thought he couldn't hear them, but really. Nothing escaped Hibari. He quickly tapped out a text in response.
No, I don't want to talk to you. I want you to come back.
Dino stared down at the swift response with a soft smile. He couldn't help but to feel a desperate bout of relief as well as amusement at his lover's typically inconsiderate response. The smile swiftly turned into a frown however. Dino felt his frustration return and he typed in his next message with much regret.
I can't ):
Well, at least not yet. I'm in the middle of some important work.
Can't we talk?
As Hibari waited for Dino's response, he grabbed a cushion and placed it behind him against the wall. He propped himself against it and lifted his knees, holding the phone in front of his face as he waited for the next text. But when they came in, he wasn't happy. He glared at them. He knew that Dino was the boss of a Mafia Family. He knew that he had important things to do and people to talk to, but he didn't care. He didn't care about his work or his Family. The hormones were wreaking havoc on his brain because he wanted Dino back and he wanted him back right now.
You said you weren't going to go back to Italy, he sent accusatorially.
Dino winced at the text.
I'm sorry, I didn't want to come back—he started to type but immediately felt guilty and erased it. Dino sighed. His thumbs rubbed over the keypad of his phone as he deliberated what he wanted to say.
I'm sorry I broke my promise to you. But I can't fix things by breaking another promise. He bit his lip then and stared down at his phone indecisively.
I miss you too.
Hibari stared at the texts that came in and he wiped the screen as thoughts and deliberations went through his head. He was suddenly overcome with a need to hear Dino's voice but he was fighting against his pride of being strong. He didn't want Dino to think he was pining after him, but at the same time... He missed Dino too. He missed Dino and his stupid laugh. He missed how clumsy he was and how firmly he'd hold him. He missed the mornings when Dino would wake up with unintelligible mutters, and the evenings where they'd settle down in bed and Hibari would read while Dino kept close. He missed the extra pair of hands on his stomach.
Hibari took a deep breath that held a hint of aggravation before calling Dino and putting the phone to his ear, listening to the rings.
Dino nearly dropped his phone in shock when his phone began to ring. He stared down at the screen with a dumbfounded look on his face for a moment, before quickly scrambling to answer. "Kyouya!" Dino felt an overwhelming bout of happiness well up in him, and it was noticeable in his voice. "I'm glad you called," he whispered into the phone.
Relief washed over Hibari as if he'd slipped into a hot bath. The worries in his chest immediately unknotted the moment Dino spoke. Everything was going to be fine. If Dino was still happy, everything was going to be fine. It was a strange hold the blond had over him and Hibari almost had the urge to hang up. But the need to hear Dino's voice was somehow stronger. "What time is it?" Hibari tapped his fingers on his knee, trying to remember if he ever bothered looking up the time difference from Japan to Italy.
Dino bit his lip and nearly laughed at the question. Of all things the other could have asked… The blonde shook his head for a second before glancing down at the watch on his wrist. He winced as he realized how late it was. "Huh…" he muttered, mostly to himself, before addressing his lover in a firmer tone. "It's, uh, 3 AM," Dino said in a sheepish voice.
Hibari's brow furrowed in slight disapproval but he didn't say anything. He glanced at the clock hanging from his wall, telling him it was 10:02 in the morning, and counted on his fingers. "Seven hours." He stared at his knees for a moment before resting his hand on his stomach. "I'm still not showing," Hibari muttered, not exactly sure if he was happy or not about this fact.
Dino blinked at the change of subject but his eyes softened as he took in Hibari's words. "Well, of course not," he teased the other slightly. "It's still too soon. But hopefully by next time I'm in Japan, you'll start to show." Dino' smiled a little forlornly at his own words. "I miss you, you know," he confessed then. "Being away from you for so long has been driving me crazy, especially after… Well." Dino stopped himself from saying anymore and sighed. His chest seized slightly; a dull ache began to throb.
"I know." Hibari frowned, interrupting Dino before he could continue. The prefect was silent for several moments as he mulled it all over. Now, the thought of him running off to Italy without a fuss seemed utterly wrong and foolish. Hibari knew that Dino would much rather stay in Japan. The thought made Hibari smile the smallest of smiles. He was still wanted. He rested his free hand on his stomach. He was suddenly glad that Dino couldn't see him right now. "When are you coming back?" he asked.
Dino sighed and ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "I don't know," he replied honestly. "This might take a couple of weeks." He bit his lip. "I'll do my best to finish business quickly here, but…" Dino thought on his conversation with Romario and felt torn. Though he knew his men would do their best to accommodate to his wishes, Dino was now all-too-aware of how selfish he'd been acting these past couple of months. He didn't want to begin acting like that again, but he wasn't about to neglect his lover either. Dino wanted to take care of both of his responsibilities—and he was going to. "It would be nice if you could visit sometimes too, you know." Dino ended up sighing and a rueful smile crossed his lips, knowing his request was likely going to be refused.
Hibari frowned then, his fingers making small circles on his stomach. "No. I have work to catch up on. It's piled up, and the teachers think they can scold me for falling behind. I had to swiftly teach them their place again." He yawned in boredom. "Just come back as soon as possible," he finished, before frowning. He thought of what a couple weeks meant. He hesitated for a moment before he spoke again. "I'll call you tomorrow."
It's ridiculous how easily Kyouya can disarm me with his words, Dino thought with amusement as he felt his stomach somersault. "Aah," Dino sighed longingly. "I want to keep listening to Kyouya's voice forever," he said. He didn't want to hang up at all, really, but he couldn't deny that his lover's promised intention made him feel more at ease. "I'll be waiting for your call, okay?" There was a smile in Dino's voice. "So be good and take care of yourself."
"Mhmm." Hibari ignored the mushiness. "I'll call you around the same time," he said. "Oh. By the way, I threw out all your stuff earlier. I'm too lazy to bring it back inside." Hibari ended the call with a smirk, imagining the blonde's sputtering all the way over in Italy.
"Eh?!" Dino pulled his phone back as he heard the dial tone before looking down at the screen with an incredulous look on his face.
That brat! Dino bit his lip and held back a fond laugh. It was just like Kyouya to do something like this. Dino sighed and shook his head before putting his phone back in his pocket. He headed over towards his bed and plopped down on top of it, resting there as he stared at the ceiling in contentment. He felt warm and happy. His heart couldn't help but to feel at peace. I'm so glad… It seems like he's recovering just fine. Dino felt relieved, and for the first time in a long time, he thought he would finally be able to sleep peacefully.
Though… without his lover at his side, it just wasn't the same.
Kyouya… I can't wait to see you again.
Dino fell asleep with a smile on his face.
