"They Don't Just Come Out At Night"

Chapter One: Join the Club

"They may be plastic and fantastic, but add in a rusty thumbtack and they go bye-bye real fast."


I love my job.

What do I do, you may ask? Well, I'm a spy, naturally! It's perfect for me. I get to travel, kick ass, and perform amazing escape stunts. So what if it feeds my thrill-junkie obsession? At least I'm doing it for a cause.

Anyway, one thing I hate about it is the long hours. Like coming in at five am for one thing, and having the first thing I hear be a recording.

"Name?"

"Jemma Eve Arlington," I repeated dutifully, just ready to for the stupid voice recognition to do its thing already so I could enter Headquarters. I was a woman who seriously needed her tea in the mornings, and it had better not make me wait too long, or I swear I'd re-route all its circuits in the middle of the night.

"Incorrect," the automaton woman informed me. I raised an eyebrow. Seriously?

I walked over to the intercom panel next to the door, and pressed the 'Talk' button. "Why isn't it letting me in, Teddy?" I asked, hoping that he wasn't feeling up to annoying me this fine morning, and would actually answer the question. I knew he was in already; he'd left our apartment an hour ago at least without me, claiming I took too long 'putting on my war paint' as he called it.

"I thought we agreed it was Grizzly. Grizzly is so much more tough sounding," a masculine voice whined back at me. I tried very hard not to roll my eyes.

"I like Teddy better. Now just tell me why it isn't letting me through."

"Fine. You just use your actual name, not the code one. I changed it."

"Okay. I'll try that, thanks."

"Love you too, babe."

So, attempting this once more, I walked back to the scanner, and it repeated, "Name?"

"Mary Alice Brandon."

"Incorrect."

"Alice Brandon?"

"Incorrect."

Oh no he did not just do that to me! Furious now, I walked back over to the damn intercom, and nearly jabbed the button out of the socket. "Emmett!"

"I love it when you yell my name."

"Don't play with me."

"You seemed to like it last night."

"Argh!" I fumed incoherently. "How do I get in? I need caffeine before I can function properly!"

"Okay, okay, so I changed your code name. It is now: Jemma Eve Mulberry," he said, and I could hear the faint traces of laughter in his voice, the bastard.

"I cannot believe you changed it to that, Emmett. Seriously, that's awful even for you."

"I have a sense of humor baby, you should've known that when you followed me home a year ago."

"But seriously, freakin' Mulberry? What were you thinking? Nobody is supposed to know that unless I let them see!"

"It's just a damn berry, and a colour. I'm sure that only you and I get the actual meaning. Call it our inside joke with each other if it makes you feel better," Emmett said, clearly not concerned with this as I was. But then again, I wasn't surprised. I'm sure to him, giving your girlfriend a code name in which the colour of her nipples is listed is just peachy-keen for him....

"As soon as I get in there, and have my tea..." I added as an afterthought, "I'm so going to kick your ass."

He at least had the sense not to say anything back, thank god. Shaking my head, I went back to the voice recognition scanner, and waited for it to say in its mechanical voice for me to say my name. Sure enough it did, and this time I gave it the answer he wanted. "Jemma Eve Mulberry," I said unhappily. The steel door slid open.

I walked inside, throwing my coat on a hanger and transferring it to the hall closet. Oh yes, we have a hall closet. It boggles even my mind that a spy organization would have one, but there you are. I can't say it doesn't come in handy though. Based in an undisclosed location in the Pacific Northwest, you almost always have to bring a coat, and just holding it in the debriefing room does feel a trifle awkward, thus the closet. C'est la vie, I guess.

Anyways, I headed straight for the break room, where I found Edward having his cup of black coffee as per usual. I greeted him casually and fixed my tea, no sugar, no milk, and most definitely no lemon. He had his black coffee, I had my black tea. Everyone was caffeinated. Oh, happy I mean, everyone was happy. Silly me.

"So Alice, how's it going?"

"Oh, splendid. Emmett decided he ought to change my code name. To the last name of 'Mulberry'."

"Oh," Edward remarked, realization dawning in his eyes. The man was so astute that sometimes I swore he read minds, and by the looks of it, the meaning of the name change wasn't lost on him. Lovely...I thought sarcastically. Now he knows too. Perfect. I knew him reading too many of those older, 'classical' books was a bad idea. Their so-called abstinent language wasn't really all that abstinent in description.

"Go ahead and ask Edward," I sighed boredly. "You know you're dying to know."

"Well, are they?"

"Yes, they're mulberry."

"Oh...that's nice."

Trust Edward to learn something about a part or parts of my body he doesn't need to know, and then go "Oh...that's nice." He's such a great guy, unlike a certain annoying live-in boyfriend...huh; wonder who that could possibly be? Built like the Hulk, likes to joke around, change people's codenames unexpectedly....

"Emmett's in the doghouse now isn't he?" Edward guessed, correctly I may add.

"Oh yes," I said emphatically, sipping my tea. "For an indefinite amount of time."

"Or until he buys you something really nice?" Right-o again, Psychic!Edward. And I mean, I thought only I had an uncanny ability to predict stuff! Guess I'm not alone in this world. However, to answer his question, I settled for nodding my head. I knew it'd suit him just fine.

"Oh my child...and beautiful, feisty girlfriend, I'll need to see you in the debriefing room pronto," Emmett's voice carried over the intercom.

"Jesus Emmett, I had no idea you were cheating on me with Edward! And he's feisty? Damn," I shot back, loving both the look on Edward's face and the silence stemming from the intercom when I said that. Aha, Alice: 1, Emmett: 0.

"Just get your pretty little ass in here, oh and your rather despicable one, Edward."

"You know you want him," I teased as Edward scowled at me from across the table. I had my tea cup up to my mouth in record time. "Yum, this tea is spectacular!" I said. Edward continued his scowling campaign.

"It's instant, and Lipton. You hate Lipton," he said darkly as he stood up to leave.

"Well wait for me, Sweetheart, since you're being so nice to me this morning," I teased. Edward left anyway. I took my sweet time sipping my tea, and then got up to head for the debriefing room. It was only just down the hall and a floor below, in what I liked to call the 'Dungeon.'

When I got there, Emmett and Edward were milling about around the steel table, looking down at a body bag. Well there went my happy, carefree morning, I thought dismally. Houston, we have an autopsy waiting to happen.... But anyway, being the good spy I was, I just sidled up to my coworkers and looked around for them to explain, maybe tell me who was in the bag...something along those lines. Unless the corpse was unidentifiable, which was always a possibility in our line of work.

"We're just waitin' on the Good Doc to join us. He'll fill us in on what he knows about the poor schmuck," Emmett explained, nodding towards the body bag on the table. I nodded to show I understood.

A few minutes later, Carlisle thought it fit to finally join us. As always, his hair was freshly combed. I had only just figured out why it always seemed to look that way. Truth was, the man always has crazy sex hair from hooking up with our head nurse, Esme. And how did I find this out? The traditional way of course. I walked in on them going at each other in one of the examination chairs. Boy was that one awkward check-up! I spent the whole time wondering how they maneuvered that, with her leg there and his...oh never mind.

You see, one thing you have to know about Carlisle, is that he's ridiculously good-looking. No, I take that back. All the men that work with me are, but what can I say? I kind of have a thing for blondes. Which I guess doesn't really explain my current boyfriend, but well...he's got his talents. Another thing is, as much as I adore blondes, I can be incredibly picky when it comes to men with that hair colour. They have points already for being blonde, but their hair has to go with them, if that makes any sense whatsoever.

And Carlisle, oddly enough, doesn't quite do it for me. He kind of gives off that fatherly vibe, which is weird in several ways. For one it squashes any fantasies, and number two, it is a little odd because he's only like a few years older than me, Emmett, and Edward anyway. Esme however, does have three years on him. Guess she's a cougar then, technically. She was making some pretty cat-like sounds when I walked in on them that one time, so maybe she is. How am I to really know? I'm a poor unwilling voyeur who picked the wrong day to walk in and see them trying out something I'm sure was medically impossible, but apparently it's do-able. Literally.

"So Doc, what do we have here?" my dearest beau inquired abruptly, as is his style.

"A victim. Otherwise fine except for a few silver, crescent-shaped scars and the fact that he's completely drained of all the blood in his body."

Wow. How warm-and-fuzzy. Thanks for that Carlisle. Drained of all blood in the body. Vampires, maybe? Ha, those don't exist. It's just the new preferred assassination method of the KGB or something similar. Or it must be. Because I really don't see how Carlisle expects us to believe vampires exist. Yeah the fuck right.

"So we're looking for an undead bloodsucking demon, a.k.a. a vampire?"

Trust Emmett not to realize that vampires don't exist outside of media and literature. I sure picked a winner didn't I?

"I think so. There's really no evidence that suggests any other method of removing the blood. And trust me, there isn't a single drop left. I tried to find some, but there was none left to be found," Carlisle added solemnly.

"A vampire?" Edward asked skeptically. "Carlisle, those don't..."

"Exist? That's what I thought too before I saw this case. Like I've stated, there really is no alternative method that seemed to be used to remove the blood. And what would they want all the blood gone for anyway? Destroying fingerprints and dental records to make identification impossible I can understand, but blood?"

"Maybe they're freaks," I suggested. "People have weird fetishes even when they kill. Maybe whoever's doing this likes blood or something."

"That's possible," Carlisle conceded. "But still, how'd they remove it?"

"Syringes?"

"Even then they'd probably still miss some of it. The corpse is bone-dry."

"Well, then I have no idea."

"We could ask Angela to do some research. But vampires don't really exist. They just don't. There's lunatics who think they're vampires, but they're just deranged, so they have their own group therapy," Emmett chimed in. I frowned. Mental health was a really touchy subject with me, seeing as how my parents sent me to a 'hospital' for several years because I had 'hallucinations'.

Truthfully, I was just seeing the future, and it didn't happen that often. I never did understand why they couldn't have just let it go. But I guess it worked out in the end because Baldwin, our old boss had pulled me out as soon as I hit eighteen, and trained me up to join the organization. Now it was five years later, I was twenty-three, and a damn good spy, if I do say so myself. My visions only help me do my job.

"Weirder things have happened than there being vampires in the world," Carlisle said unhelpfully, shrugging.

"I guess so," Edward agreed. "It's just so hard to believe."

"Now the important question: how do we kill them, where are they hiding, are these killings purely for food, or something else?"

"Wow Emmett, you actually sound like you're thinking this through," I commended him.

"That's why I'm the boss and you and Prettyboy here are the ones who go out there and be superb little killing robots."

I snorted rather abruptly.

"Are you questioning my authority, Miss Mulberry?" he joked.

"Nope. Never crossed my mind, Teddy."

His fists clenched out of habit at the nickname. Well that, and the fact that I'd once let it slip that if I ever got a dog, I'd name it Teddy. Apparently me calling him the same name as a hypothetical pet really screwed over his male ego. Strange, the inner workings of the male psyche....

"Mulberry?" Carlisle asked, intrigued.

"Yes Carlisle, they are mulberry," I sighed dejectedly.

"Oh...that's nice."

You're effing kidding me, right?

"Anyway," Carlisle continued, stage-coughing to hide his embarrassment at being the newest inductee into the What-Colour-Are-Alice's-Nipples-Club. "I'd say the best way to find out the answers to those questions is to try and capture one."

"That sounds reasonable," Edward agreed with him, like they did on most subjects, except the exhaustingly-studious Heaven versus Hell debate.

"How do you propose they do that, Doc? Put nails in its coffin and have it Fed-Exed back here?" Emmett seriously wanted to know. I knew for certain that put in the situation, that's what he'd do, never mind that I doubted Fed-Ex made deliveries to our super-secret Headquarters location. Though I have to take into account, he does forget the little things. I suppose I should be surprised he remembers me, since to my eternal regret, I only stand about four-eleven height-wise. And he's way up there height-wise...like way up there.

But at least I can wear heels, and that makes me a very happy short woman indeed.

"Not exactly," Carlisle tells him. "I wasn't sure how exactly, but I don't think they must use coffins, since when I did the autopsy, the estimated time of death was shortly after noon. So clearly, they do come out during the day."

"Well that's just wonderful. Now we can't just take 'em out when they're having a nice coffin snooze," Emmett complained.

"Precisely. We'll have to be sneakier," Edward reminded him. "I'll see what Tech can cook up to help us," he announced before departing.

"I'm going to go put this one back in the morgue, unless you want a peek," Carlisle inquired, gesturing at the still-unopened body bag on the table. Emmett and I both shook our heads rather fervently. The good doctor smiled knowingly and rolled the table out the other door.

"So...vampires huh?"

"No at-work nooky," I headed him off, heading out the opposite door, the one Edward had left through only a moment ago.

"How'd you know I was going to ask?"

"Psychic, Emmett, but then again, that one didn't require any extra abilities to figure out."

"Aww, Alice baby, you know I was only joking when I changed your codename."

"I do know that, but I'm still upset. And thanks to that, two other people now know something I'd rather they not know about me and my body."

We were walking down the hall by now, him easily catching up to me thanks to his freakishly long legs. I was hoping to talk to Angela, she was always so nice to me, and maybe she and the rest of the Techs could figure how in the world Edward and I were supposed to snare a member of the undead. Because I doubted it'd be as easy as pie. From the horror movies I'd seen over the years, most vampires seemed to possess several things: speed, strength, bloodlust, and an overbite.

All a primo recipe for Alice-and-Edward mincemeat pie, if you thought about it.

"You're not that shy," Emmett scoffed.

"Well duh, my charming Romeo, but still I'd rather not have them know the colour of my nipples for Pete's sake!"

We walked in silence the rest of the way to the Technology sector. For our techs we had three very bright people: Angela Weber, who handled most of the research, Eric Yorkie, and Tyler Crowley. Tyler and Eric were usually the two who made us our useful array of gadgets, but sometimes Angela supervised.

As we entered, some strange techno music was playing, and Edward had a look on his face that suggested that his ears were somehow bleeding. It would have been funny if I too was not all that fond of the music. Emmett however, seemed to get into it by the way he subtly moved his hands at his sides, looking like he was just itchin to break out into dance. Well domi arigato, Mr. Roboto. Or however you say it.

"Hi Alice!" Eric greeted me breathlessly.

Eric was always so happy to see me, it was blatantly obvious he had a thing for me. I kind of felt bad for him harboring such a huge, unrequited crush on me, but it could hardly be my fault. It's not like I was leading him on or anything....

"Hello Eric." See? Perfectly friendly, but not any more than that.

Emmett raised an eyebrow, and I'm sure he was finding this all very funny. No jealous boyfriend reaction, he just thinks this is funny. How typical of him.

"They're mulberry Eric," he said just to piss me off, I'm sure. Just because I wasn't going to mount and ride him on his shiny, new mahogany desk does not justify this action of his though. Emmett really gets under my skin sometimes, and not always in a good way.

I scowled spectacularly at my boyfriend. "Why don't you tell the whole freaking world Emmett? Jesus!" I screeched, hitting his shoulder as it was as high as I could reach.

"What's mulberry?" the poor kid asked. Edward shook his head, indicating that to be silent was to live. Edward knew me only too well.

"So we need vampire-capturing gear," Edward said to break up my glaring-fest aimed at a particular someone.

"Vampire capturing?" Tyler inquired, a doubtful look on his face.

"Yeah. It appears they're actually not fictional, and they've started making killings. So we need to catch and question one. Then try and figure out how to kill it."

"Ohhhkaayy," Angela said, the word drawn-out. "So, any time limit on that one?"

"A.S.A.P," Edward clarified. "So the bodies don't start piling up too noticeably. If the public got wind of this, they'd freak out. It'd be total chaos."

"We'll do our very best," Eric said, looking at me pointedly. I took a step back.

Okay, that is just creepy, borderline stalker. Now I know why I'm dating Emmett, and not him.

"Emmett, I think you said something about taking me shopping?"

"Shopping? When did I agree to that?" he asked, until he saw my face. "Oh right."

"Good boy," I said teasingly. "If you're really good, I might even let you rub my feet afterwards!"

"Joy," he remarked dryly.

And that folks, is a well-trained man.


Author's Note: Just to clarify, they're all human so far. And I'm sure you're wondering, well where the heck are Rosalie, Bella, and Jasper at? Answer: They'll be coming up later in the story, trust me. In a good way. And this story is in Alice's POV. Let me know if you have any other questions, I'd be happy to answer them unless they're fishing for big spoilers. I'm sure you can understand that one at the very least. Oh and the quotes that go under the chapter title are just little jokes that may or may not have to do with the chapter, but usually they do. And yes, I make up the jokes.

Basically all I now ask is REVIEW, review, review! Frankly it pisses me off when you don't. And if you want updates, then you ought to have some consideration for the author. So even just a one-liner will suffice. Thanks for listenin'.