Author's note: Okay, I must inform you that this story was created as a way for me to get my desire to write out of my system, because I have no time to work on my novel. Therefore, though it won't be total crap, I'm not going to be as anal or as serious about it as I usually am with my writing. The good thing is that because I'm just writing whatever fits and comes to mind, it should be updated quickly. A little bit of feedback would still be nice, though, because I'm using every bit of critique to improve my novel. Hopefully, I'm not too rusty.
Disclaimer: Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto, not me. I do not make any money from this story.
Chapter 1
So, here it is, the first day of college. I can already tell it's going to be a hell of a year. There's no way Naruto Uzumaki-Namikaze can be released unto the world without parental supervision, and not have all hell break lose, ha-ha. Besides, my entire family was hell raisers, and it's well known all over the town, so there's no reason to be secretive and all that bullshit. My uncle Inoichi was a player his whole life; quiet as it's kept, he still is. Though he tried to put up a good front when his 19-year-old girlfriend got pregnant by marrying her, enter my cousin Deidara by the way, his biggest deed wouldn't occur 'till two years later when he was 29.
You see, my mom saw my dad consoling her best friend Kurenai after she had just broken up with my dad's best friend Kakashi, and instead of asking what the hell was going on, she overreacted like usual, and my uncle just happened to be there to… comfort her. Of course, my mom, well future mom, got pregnant with my half-sister Ino at 17-years-old, which led to an insane rift in the family. My uncle's wife, Temari, was trying to manually castrate him while simultaneously eviscerate my mom, my dad was trying to remove his so-called ex-brother's brains through his nose, and my mom was a sobbing puddle of foolishness. I still don't know how he talked his way out of it, but my uncle's charm was able to soothe most of the tension.
My dad, on the other hand, was not buying it, and I can't say that I blame him. It's a hell of a pill to swallow that your old ass, married brother got your girlfriend pregnant, who's only a junior in high school, while you're just a 19-year-old sophomore in college. Luckily, for me, things were brought down to a simmer after Ino was born, and my uncle took full custody. That made way for reconciliation between my mom and dad, and I was born just 13 months after Ino.
Crazy shit, right? You should see us on holidays. Everyone's smiling, laughing and joking as if everything is normal, but my uncle boned his younger brother's wife, my half-sister is also my first cousin, and her half-brother just happens to be my first cousin as well. I totally blame Granny Tsunade for this. She never should have married and reproduced with my perverted bastard of a Grandfather, Jiraiya. It's quite clear the horn-dog gene was passed down through him. It skipped my dad, and only grazed me. No one else was as lucky. But, now that I'm leaving behind my very own private version of Jerry Springer, I can finally make my name famous for something of my own doing.
This brings me back to the discussion of my first day of college. I'm telling you now, if my roommate is messy and his shit overflows onto my side of the room, I'm beating his ass, if he's some type of nudist, I'm beating his ass, if he likes to fart and belch all loud, I'm beating his ass. I went through that bullshit with Deidara this summer when he moved in with us for summer vacation. There is nothing like waking up at three in the morning to another's man's bare ass and balls six inches from your face as he's trying to put the finishing touches on his "masterpiece." I swear I tried to shove that paintbrush and his "masterpiece" as far up his ass as it would go. I was hoping to hit the screw that was obviously loose. I mean who in the hell spends thousands of dollars to major in fucking art? Whatever, if he doesn't want to be a part of his father's company, I will gladly step in after I get my degree in International Marketing. Hmm, I'm still debating about whether I should minor in linguistics or computer technology. I'm sure it will come to me soon.
"Naruto!" Ino yells, and almost makes me drop the box I'm carrying. It sounds like she's standing in my ear, but I know from experience that she's all the way down the hall.
"Hey, what's up?" I ask with a slightly nervous grin after I steady my grip, before turning around. I see that she's peeved about something, but it doesn't look like she's out for blood.
"Why didn't you tell me what time you were moving in? I could have helped you out, you know?" She asks while looking slightly put out. I instantly feel bad, because though Ino is a pistol, and tries to act like we're 13 years apart versus 13 months, she always looks out for me, and I love her dearly for it.
"Sorry sis, I thought you were in class. But, if you want to help, I just got started. I haven't even seen my room, yet," I say with a sharp grin, and she returns it.
"Oh, I have class, but I thought helping you out was more important. This will be the only year all three of us will be here at the same time, and I want to make the most of it," she replies before turning around towards the parking lot. I can't help, but to smile. She's a lot like my dad when it comes to keeping the family together.
"Don't worry about that. I'm sure Deidara will fail at least one class this year," I call out as her head bends the corner. I hear her laugh before I join in. I wish I was completely joking, but like a dumb ass, Deidara took all of the classes he enjoys his first two years, and saved all of the hard shit for his last two. He spent his 21st birthday studying for finals, and then got mad at me, because I wasn't old enough to go out drinking with him, and all of his college buddies had already moved back home. He barely passed last year, and now he has to take U.S Government, Intro Bio, Human Bio, Statistics, General Chemistry I and II, General Physics I and II and 4 labs. Hell, he might fail a whole semester's worth of classes.
"Geez, what the hell did you put in these boxes, weights?" Ino grunts as she wobbles down the hall. I start to tell her that she had guessed correctly, but she would just hit me, and there's no reason for both of us to be hurting.
"Come on, I'm on the first floor, and the room is only five doors down," I say as I quickly make my way down the hall. I don't want her curiosity getting the better of her; I like my balls just where they are.
I open the door, and am surprised that the entire room was remodeled, recently. You always hear about how shitty college dorms are, but this monstrosity of a room had to be 1000 square feet. In fact, based on the shape, I would say that they combined two dorms into one. The floors are all mahogany, the paint is a crisp white instead of the standard piss/flesh color, and the window bows out to make a full seat.
"What the hell?" Ino asks incredulously as she slowly takes everything in. Her face is mixture of shock, confusion and jealousy. I, on the other hand, am concerned about the price. There is no way in hell this costs the same as a standard edition dorm room, and I am not about to pay an assload of money on a pimped out room. I would have been happy with a shoebox as long as it was clean.
"Hell naw, I'm about to go talk to somebody about this," I speak quietly as I head to the door. Ino instantly grabs my arm, and stares at me with her eyes bright.
"You can't. This is magnificent. I would kill for a room like this," she says as she looks around again before looking back at me. I'm not the least bit moved, and it shows on my face, and is confirmed when I shake my head in the negative.
"I'm not paying for this shit, and I'm not asking my dad or your dad to pay for it either," I reply and try to turn again, but she's still hanging on.
"Please, just keep it for a week. Even if they charge you a hundred dollars more for the one week, it's still less than a night at a good hotel," she says while practically pleading. I know what she's up to; she wants to throw a party, which actually sounds pretty damn good. Fuck, I haven't even attended one class, yet a party will likely be happening in my room within less than a week. Ino is going to be the death of me.
"Fine," I finally say, and she brightens.
"But, you're paying for it," her smile instantly turns into a pout, but once again, I'm not moved. I've seen my sister turn guys into puddles of goo with just one look, but I am immune to the Yamanaka charm. All Namikaze are. It's how my granny is able to open a can of whoop-ass on my grandfather whenever she feels like it.
"I mean it, Ino," I add to insure that she understands, and her pout turns into a full on frown.
"Fine, Mr. Krabs, I'll give you the damn money," she growls, and I simply smile and wink. She has more money than she needs, so I don't feel the least bit bad. That just means one less pair of shoes for her this month, and I still need to buy books.
"So, who's your roommate," she asks casually as though she wasn't just glaring holes into the side of my head. This disturbs the newbies, but I am past used to it.
"The hell if I know, you walked in when I did," I respond just as calmly. She immediately gets a devilish glint in her eye.
"Hurry up and set up before the poor bastard gets here. You were here first, so you totally get first dibs," she states before hurrying back out to the car to get more boxes. I think her words over, then instantly start unloading. I quickly put my clothes in the bigger closet, and hurriedly set up my desktop at the desk that has the least amount of glare, before Ino comes charging back in with my box of linens. At first, I race over to the bottom bunk, and start setting up, but then I get a vision of Chouji. If my roommate is a fat ass, I definitely don't want him above my head. Therefore, I abort the mission, and start ripping the sheets off the bottom bunk, before quickly placing them on the top. Ino looks at me strangely, but after I mutter Chouji, her eyes widened slightly before she nods her assent.
"It looks like you have everything taken care of in here, so I'll do the bathroom," she says before dashing off. Just as I was hanging my Rihanna poster, Ino yells out, "Holy fuck," and Ri-Ri instantly crumbles to the ground. At least Megan Fox didn't suffer the same fate. But, nevermind that, something's up.
"What's going on?" I yell as I practically break through the door. Ino doesn't say a word; she just keeps gawking at the room while pointing her finger at it. Sensing that I'm not going to get an answer, I look into the room, and gasp out a quiet, "Holy fuck!"
The entire bathroom is finished in slate grey granite and chrome from top to bottom. There is a walk-in shower with a separate whirlpool bathtub, double sinks, a toilet with a bidet, and a urinal. This bathroom is more extravagant than the main bathroom back home. How the fuck did I get this room?
"Maybe you shouldn't stay longer than three days," Ino says no sooner than my previous thought crossed my mind. I simply nod, dumbly; I can't get my lips to move.
"Al-alright then, I have to go to my next class. I can't get the same reputation as Deidara, it would ruin the Yamanaka name," Ino tries to laugh, but is clearly still just as puzzled as me. I feel her hug me from the side, but can't peel my eyes away from seemingly 3000-dollar sink fixtures.
"Welcome to the twilight zone," I mumble as I put my orange, Reach toothbrush in the holder. It looks out of place like a pimple on a porcelain doll, so I quickly throw it in the garbage, and wonder where I can get a diamond-studded toothbrush. Before I can even think of getting on eBay to search for this elusive toothbrush, I hear my dorm door open. I turn around and am met with pale and stoic times duex. I can practically see the money oozing out of their pores with their matching black, tailor-made business suits and platinum cufflinks. I am not poor, but compared to them, I feel like a pauper. More importantly, though their faces are static, you can see through their eyes that the elder of the two is shocked at my presence, and more than a little confounded, while the younger one is quite livid. Based on the younger one's age, I'm guessing he's my roommate. Well, fuck me!
