Never

"You look great."

"Thank you. I had to dress up for a work thing."

"No, I mean you look great."

"Oh. Thanks, I guess."

And there was that awkward silence.

I knew it was a line to get in my pants. He was bringing me home, and it was extremely out of the way, and it was crunch time.

He wasn't a bad guy at all. The friend-arranged dinner went well, the sangria went down smoothly and the conversation was fluid. We had a lot of things in common. I seriously considered – will I invite this person up my flat? He met all the basic standards.

Except maybe for one.

"Well, we're here."

"Yeah, thank you so much, let's catch up again soon."

The biggest problem was… he wasn't you.

I knew I was betraying myself the moment I realized that my only thought throughout the whole duration of what would have been a good date was that, I wish it was you. I wish it was you beside me. I wish it was you splitting the dish with me. I wish it was you laughing at my jokes. I wish it was you who would drive us home and I'd invite up my flat and…

I caught myself. But I guess I must have dropped myself, because after that it hit so hard, I spent all night reeling from it.

"Wait, do you want to come up?"

"Sure."

I will never be able to forget you.

I find you in everything I like. Smoked salmon. Forest nights under stars. Shores. Mind fucks. Mysteries. Blood. Friends.

They all lead me to you.

" "

" "

It's so unfortunate that you are miles away now, in another world, fighting the big battle. But I think I'm fighting a bigger one – that of not whispering your name as I fuck the living daylights out of him.

I pity all those who will suffer from this. I pity all those who will fall for my pretense. After all, the more you ignore me, the more I strengthen my resolve to force myself away from you.

"I love you."

"We just met."

"I know. But I love you. Stay with me."

I await your return so you can see how stronger I am.