Aftermath: Aftermath
"Lieutenant, please sit down. We need to check you for…"
"I'm fine," Kaidan impatiently waved the off the alliance nurse. "Really, I don't have a scratch on me."
"But the trauma from the attack," she began again trying to settle the soldier back on the table so she could do a proper scan. However, Kaidan wouldn't be deterred. He gently forced his way past her to the med bay doors.
"I need to find the Commander. I'll come back after if it's that important."
All he wanted was to make sure Shepard was okay. While the locating beacon on the cockpit's escape pod worked fine, they couldn't raise communications to it. For all he knew, she and Joker could be seriously injured… or worse. No, he didn't want to think about that. She was fine. Shepard had survived the attack on Elysium, numerous battles with the geth, not to mention that final confrontation with Saren and the fallout of the Reaper in the Citadel Tower. She had to survive this.
Kaidan felt at ease making his way through the Tokyo. He'd toured plenty of these types of frigates before being stationed on the Normandy and even once served on this particular ship for a few months between a couple of his posts. Quickly, he made his way to the aft cargo hold where the Alliance ended up having to put the pods for decontamination and extraction. Some of the crew were still being ushered in. Everyone was supposed to report to the med bay for examination and injury treatment.
Many of the crew that made it were only mildly hurt with scrapes and superficial burns. It was a testament to Joker's intuition and Shepard's quick evacuation orders that so much of the crew had survived the complete destruction of the Normandy. He chuckled softly to himself as he passed Wrex not five meters from the med bay. The krogan had incited a great deal of distress among some of the rescue team by not 'fully cooperating' in their attempts to get him to medical for a proper inspection and three of them surrendered to trying to scan him with their omni-tools for injuries as he paced about.
Garrus seemed to have suffered a blow to the head. He held a packet of what looked like ice to a bandage on his head, but appeared otherwise fine. He sat across the long haul, taking obvious amusement from the debacle of Wrex and the poor Alliance soldiers that were attending him. As Kaidan passed, they nodded in silent recognition of each other. Liara was not far past the turian. She stood apart from the rest of the crew and even the rescue team, not knowing what to do with herself. She wasn't injured at all and Kaidan felt a slight pang of guilt at his unfounded previous jealousy when she had first come on board. For at the moment she looked all the part of a lost child rather than the asari seductress he believe she could be back then.
Tali thankfully also appeared fine since he wasn't sure the Alliance had the equipment that would have been necessary to treat her had she been injured. Though it did look like she had patched up her enviro-suit in a couple spots, her calm demeanor suggested that she had the matter well under control. She stood near Engineer Adams while he waited in line to the med bay for treatment. He looked worse off than most of the rest of the crew that Kaidan had seen, Adams was favoring a leg and holding his arm awkwardly, but he still managed a slight smile as Kaidan passed.
His thoughts quickly turned dim though as he remembered the bodies they left behind. He remembered Ensign Draven, as she was caught in an explosion while they were evacuating, Corporal Bakari's body lifeless in the hall as he ran to find Shepard. Most of them had made it off the Normandy in time, but some… they'd have to do a casualty count later to assess the damage. Shepard wouldn't be looking forward to that. It was hard enough losing Jenkins and Ashley. How many others would they be missing now?
Dr. Chakwas had been with him when they arrived and he could see her now as he turned the bend, already hard at work to help treat injuries as their crew mates were received on board. As he neared her, he realized she was treating Joker, who on the outside appeared to be fine. At least to Kaidan, it didn't look like Joker had faired too badly in the evacuation considering his disease. But the expression on his face was terrible. His eyes rimmed with red and his teeth gritted in pain. It was obvious he'd been crying.
"Joker, where's the Commander? Is she alright? I haven't seen her," Kaidan started. He tried to go easy on him since it looked like Jeff wasn't in the best of shape. He held one arm gingerly as Chakwas went over him with her omni-tool and applied a bit of medi-gel here and there. Joker's looked up at him, his face told Kaidan everything before he even spoke the words.
"The Commander… didn't make it."
The blow from the words hit him hard in the chest. He couldn't breathe. "What do you mean she didn't make it?"
"She got me in the pod and then… there was an explosion." Joker shook his head sadly. "Shepard hit the release for the pod before… before she got spaced." Tears started flowing freely from Joker's eyes and he hung his head in his grief. If it weren't for the sincerity of Joker's reaction, he wouldn't have believed Shepard was gone. No… he couldn't believe she was gone.
"No…" Kaidan's voice was barely audible. His fists clenched and his expression turned furious as he yelled. "NO!"
Chakwas was holding him tightly before he knew what had happened, her arms stronger than he thought they would have been. Crates, equipment, and even a few of the people nearby crashed back down to the floor and he realized that he'd lost control. Chakwas had held him in order to keep him from using his biotic powers from hurting someone. He pinched the bridge of his nose, his head swimming, heart pounding.
"I'm okay," he whispered to her despondently. Chakwas looked up at him and let him go, watching the lieutenant warily. She knew Kaidan was the type to bury his feelings, or at the very least, to not let other people know just how he felt. And she was sure that would be worse for his health than if he broke down. She wished he would, if for nothing more than to let himself bear his grief normally. But his pained expression and quiet demeanor demonstrated just how stoically he'd bear his heartache.
"Kaidan," Jeff gasped guiltily. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! It was my fault. If I hadn't…"
"It wasn't your fault, Joker," Kaidan found himself calming the pilot despite the overwhelming pressure in his chest and the migraine that was starting to hammer at his temples. His eyes filled with tears but he pushed them back. "Shepard would never want you to think it was your fault."
"But I wouldn't leave! If I had just… If I left when she ordered the evac…," Joker broke down again, sobbing. Kaidan wanted to do the same. Instead he sat next to his friend and rested a steady hand gently on his shoulder. Joker couldn't look at him, ashamed of himself. Kaidan simply sat there with him, letting his own grief out partially through his friend. It was easier to watch Joker as he cried; easier than crying himself.
"You didn't do anything wrong. And you saved a lot of people today. Shepard would be proud," Kaidan told him, trying to imagine what Shepard would say if she were here now instead of him. He expected Shepard would have told him that he did everything he could, that she would say we'll do better next time. He tried to comfort Joker, like she did for him when Ash died. "It's going to be okay."
"No, it's not!" Joker yelled back. "She's dead, Kaidan! Shepard's dead because of me!"
Kaidan's heart fell. Shepard would have told him it's okay and take that responsibility from him. Because she was the Commander. Shepard never treated it like it was just her job or her title; she lived it, because that was the kind of person she was. Kaidan sighed, wishing she was here instead of him. Wishing she had let him go get Joker when the Normandy was falling apart around them. Shepard was better at this than he was. The crew needed her, not him.
"Jeff, you know Shepard would never see it that way," Kaidan started. "She saved you. Not because it was her duty as a Commander, but because it was her honor as a friend. Remember that."
"Yeah, okay," Joker finally replied miserably, wiping his tears with his good arm. "I just…" Jeff choked on his own words. "I wish she was still here. I wish I hadn't waited."
"You gave the rest of the crew the time we needed to make it off the ship, Joker. Without you, we would have all been lost with the Normandy," Kaidan added.
"Maybe," Jeff replied, wiping his eyes again. After he took in a few shaky breaths he looked at the lieutenant. Though only a couple of the crew knew about Shepard and Kaidan before the attack on the Citadel, most of them knew about it in the weeks following. It just made Joker feel worse, knowing that Kaidan was comforting him instead of the other way around. "Kaidan…"
"Yeah, Joker?"
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Kaidan just patted his shoulder softly and Joker felt his heart break for his friend. He hadn't shed a tear. Joker wanted to tell him that it was okay to cry, that no one would think any less of him for crying, but he couldn't bring himself to say it. Instead he watched his friend. Kaidan's face was stern, his eyes tired and listless, but something wasn't quite right. Something was missing. Seeing him like this, Joker realized that Kaidan had lost more than a friend, more than a lover; he'd lost a piece of himself. He could already see a bit of the lieutenant disappear. Something in Kaidan died with Shepard.
"Kaidan," Chakwas called gently after finishing what she could do to help Joker. Her voice seemed so far away. "Kaidan, I need you to look at me."
A light flashed in Kaidan's eyes and he recoiled slightly. He couldn't stay here. Not like this. Chakwas tried to get him to focus on something, but he just couldn't. She was saying something. Something about Shepard and he knew he should have been listening, but he couldn't concentrate on the words. A ringing in his head drowned out the doctor's voice, then Joker's voice. They were trying to tell him something, but the rest faded into the background. He felt numb all over. Unconsciously, he caught her hand as she tried to comfort him, gently pushing her aside as he got up and dragged himself away from the crew and the rescue team. Now if only he could drag himself away from his grief.
