Introduction: Before I get started I'm going to be honest and say that while I like Bleach it's not a favorite of mine. It moves way too slow for my taste sometimes. Anyway, this little oneshot is probably one of my more warped ideas. For some reason I got it while watching the episode of the anime that aired last week on what is now Cartoon Network's new Toonami lineup. I think the only other thing that needs to be said right now is that this story isn't exactly cannon with the anime/manga. Just think of it as more filler, and some amusing filler at that.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.


Exposed In Battle

In and open and very barren part of the afterworld realm known as the Soul Society, second division captain, Soi Fon was pursuing a black cat that she knew very well. This cat was not a cat at all, but rather her old mentor and the woman that she perhaps not so secretly harbored feelings for, Yoruichi Shihoin. The reason Soi Fon was pursuing Yoruichi was because in the past five nights Soul Reapers had been murdered, and each time a black cat was seen fleeing the scene leaving a trail of bloody paw prints. No one had been able to figure out the reason behind these attacks, but there seemed to be only one black cat capable of such acts. So the order was made to apprehend Yoruichi and bring her in.

Of course Soi Fon did not believe for a moment that Yoruichi committed the crimes she had been accused of, but orders were orders no matter how much she didn't like them. Plus the evidence, though circumstantial, was very hard to deny. At the very least Soi Fon volunteered to bring in Yoruichi herself in the hopes that her old mentor would come along with her quietly, but of course that notion had proven to be foolish. Soi Fon could not figure out why Yoruichi was running away in her cat form, though it was obviously some odd game she wanted to play. At the very least though it had made Yoruichi a little difficult to track down.

At last Yoruichi had stopped running and sat down in front of a large rock to wait for Soi Fon to approach. Soi Fon landed only a few feet away from where the black cat was sitting.

"I've grown tired of this little game of dog and cat." The black cat said in a distinctively male voice. "Why don't we just sit down and talk Soi Fon."

"I'm taking you in Lady Yoruichi." Soi Fon told her. "It would be a lot easier if you came along quietly."

"I see, and what will you do if I don't" the cat asked with a sort of wry expression.

"You know very well what I'll do. Now give up!" Soi Fon ordered.

Suddenly there was a blast of smoke, and when it cleared standing in the cat's place was a naked woman with dark skin, long purple hair, and golden eyes. This of course was Yoruichi's true form. A smirk was on Yoruichi's face and her left hand was on her hip. Soi Fon stood blushing heavily at the site before her, and a drop of blood trickled down from her nose. She was finding it very hard to concentrate on her mission with the most beautiful woman in both the Soul Society and the World of the Living standing before her in the nude.

"So do you still intend to fight me?" Yoruichi asked as she began walking up to Soi Fon. "I mean I'm obviously not armed."

"But…" Soi Fon began to say, but she found that she could process what she wanted to say with Yoruichi standing so close to her.

"C'mon Soi, do you really believe that I've done all the terrible things I've been accused of?" Yoruichi asked with her face now only inches away from Soi Fon's.

"Well… well no, but I…" Soi Fon began, but before she could finish Yoruichi planted a firm kiss on her lips, Soi Fon's eyes widened in surprise.

Right away Yoruichi jammed her tongue into Soi Fon's mouth, and before she knew it her own tongue was fighting her old mentor's for dominance. The rational part of Soi Fon's mind was screaming at her to carry out her mission, but she was fining it impossible to listen to that part. After a few minutes the two finally broke for air.

"You're not playing fair at all." Soi Fon pouted.

"All's fair in love and war." Yoruichi retorted in a husky whisper.

With that, Yoruichi began kissing Soi Fon's neck, causing a soft moan to escape her lips. After that any trace of reason left Soi Fon's mind, and it was as if her body was acting all on its own. One moment Yoruichi was removing parts of her uniform, and then before she knew it she was completely naked and on the ground, pinned under Yoruichi. Yoruichi had begun to suck on Soi Fon's right breast, causing her to moan louder. At that point Soi Fon didn't give a damn about her mission, for at that moment she was in absolute heaven.

After what seemed like a blissful eternity, Yoruichi stopped attacking Soi Fon's breast and looked at her face with those seductive golden eyes. Suddenly Soi Fon felt Yoruichi push two fingers into her opening. There was some pain, but it lasted only for a moment. Soi Fon moaned and arched her back as Yoruichi pushed in and out of her. And after another blissful eternity Soi Fon finally climaxed with a loud moan. Her body shuddered as she released.

Just as Yoruichi kissed Soi Fon on her forehead, appearing in the air above them was a rather large and overweight man with black hair that had pretty much receded. He wore the black robes of a Soul Reaper, but his uniform also included a large purple collar. On his left arm was a white armband with a large brown badge on it. This was Soi Fon's lieutenant, Marechiyo Omaeda.

"Captain I WHAAAAAA?" Marechiyo cried out, blood gushing from his nose upon looking down and seeing his captain and her renegade former mentor on the ground naked.

Marechiyo's cry alerted both Yoruichi and Soi Fon to his presence, causing them to look up. Yoruichi looked up at Soi Fon's underling with indifference, but Soi Fon's face turned as red as a tomato and she quickly covered herself the best she could.

"C-Captain, what're you…?" a blushing and mortified Marechiyo began to ask.

"GET OUT OF HERE YOU FAT MORON!" Soi Fon shouted. "AND IF YOU TELL ANYONE ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST SAW, I'LL TEAR OFF YOUR HEAD AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS! IS THAT CLEAR?"

"Y-yes Captain!" a terrified Marechiyo said with a trembling salute before quickly flash stepping away. Soi Fon breathed a sigh of relief after he left.

"Well, I guess you're not in the mood anymore now that your lieutenant has seen us." Yoruichi said with a disappointed expression.

"Screw that fat-ass!" Soi Fon shouted before suddenly flipping Yoruichi onto her back.

Soi Fon then began sucking on Yoruichi's neck, biting down on it lightly and causing Yoruichi to gasp. She then reached down and thrust three fingers into Yoruichi's opening, causing Yoruichi to moan loudly. Soi Fon thrust hard and deep into the dark skinned woman beneath her, and after a few minutes Yoruichi climaxed. As Yoruichi caught her breath Soi Fon began to worry that she had gone too hard on her lover, as she had been taking her aggression towards her idiot lieutenant out on her. But suddenly a smirk came to Yoruichi's face.

"I didn't know you liked to play so rough Soi." Yoruichi said in a playful tone. "In that case…"

Suddenly Yoruichi pulled Soi Fon to her feet and forcefully pushed her over the large rock they were in front of. She then began to spank Soi Fon hard on her behind. Soi Fon found that she liked the sensation.

"Oh god, harder!" Soi Fon begged.

"Harder what?" Yoruichi asked teasingly.

"Harder please Lady Yoruichi!" Soi Fon begged. "Punish me more!"

"If you say so." Yoruichi said playfully as she began to strike Soi Fon harder.

As this went on, appearing on the ground only a few feet away was a short boyish-looking young man with bluish-white hair, dressed in the black and white garb of a Soul Reaper captain. This was Soi Fon's fellow captain, Toshiro Hitsugaya. Toshiro quickly noticed the site of Yoruichi repeatedly spanking Soi Fon and began to blush. A drop of blood trickled down his nose. Toshiro tried to look away, but found that he was mesmerized by what he was seeing.

Moments later, another Sour Reaper appeared next to Toshiro, this one a very well endowed woman with long orange-blond hair. On her left arm was a white armband with a large badge. This was Toshiro's lieutenant, Rangiku Matsumoto.

"There you are Captain. What're you AAAAAAHHHHHH!" Rangiku exclaimed after seeing just what it was that Toshiro was looking at. "Oh my god!"

Just then another Soul Reaper appeared next to the two, this one a young woman with black hair tied back into a bun held in by a white cloth. A lieutenant's armband was on her left arm. This was Toshiro's old friend, Momo Hinomori.

"There you two are! I've been looking everywhere! We have the thing cornered and YAAAAAAAAA!" Momo squealed after seeing what Toshiro and Rangiku were looking at. "What are they doing? We need to get out of here now!"

"Right! C'mon Captain!" Rangiku said as she grabbed Toshiro's arm and held her hand up in front of his eyes. With that, the two girls flash stepped away with Toshiro.

Meanwhile Yoruichi continued to spank Soi Fon harder and harder. Soi Fon felt as if she was going to climax. Suddenly Yoruichi pulled her back to her feet and began aggressively sucking on her neck, biting down just as she had done to Yoruichi earlier. Soi Fon was sure that it was going to leave a bruise. At the same time Yoruichi thrust three fingers into Soi Fon's opening and began to pump in and out hard. Before long Soi Fon climaxed hard with a loud moan and fell to her knees.

"Okay Soi, now it's time you returned the favor." Yoruichi said with a smirk as she put her hands on her hips.

After Soi Fon caught her breath, she nodded and crawled over on all fours and inserted her tongue into Yoruichi's opening. Yoruichi moaned as Soi Fon's tongue did its work. Before long she held Soi Fon's head in place and began to buck her hips. After a few minutes Yoruichi finally climaxed.

"I'm not done with you yet." Yoruichi said playfully after catching her breath. "Get on your back."

Soi Fon nodded and did as Yoruichi said. Yoruichi got down and positioned herself so that both their openings were pressing against one another. Soi Fon then sat up a bit as Yoruichi took a similar position. They two woman then began bucking their hips into each other, moaning as they did so. The two were so lost in ecstasy that they did not notice another Soul Reaper appear in the air above them. The Soul Reaper in question was a young man with orange-blond hair a large bladed sword slung over his back. This was the substitute Soul Reaper, Ichigo Kurosaki.

"Soi Fon, you have to WHAT THE HELL?" Ichigo exclaimed as he looked down and saw Yoruichi and Soi Fon still going at it, blood trickling down from his nose.

Seconds later yet another Soul Reaper appeared in the air next to Ichigo, one was a petite girl with very fair skin and short black hair. This was Ichigo's friend, Rukia Kuchiki.

"Ichigo, I'm glad I found you. You have to come quick! We found OH MY GOD!" Rukia cried as she glanced down and saw Yoruichi and Soi Fon.

The two looked on from the air, mortified as they saw Yoruichi and Soi Fon climax at the same time. Yoruichi repositioned herself and lied down next to a worn out Soi Fon. After a moment Yoruichi glanced up and noticed Ichigo and Rukia, mortified expressions on their faces.

"Hi there Ichigo, like what you see?" Yoruichi said with an amused expression. Soi Fon looked up and quickly went red after noticing the spectators. "I see Rukia's with you. So why'd you two come here?"

"Well, I came to stop Soi Fon from taking you in and killing you." Ichigo explained, still looking mortified. "But it looks like you have things under control. Why are you here Rukia?"

"Huh? Oh, we found the thing that's been committing the murders." Rukia answered, still in shock. "It's some kind of weird Arrancar that can change into a black cat at will. It's actually proving to be quite a handful. There's a good chance we might not come back from the battle alive."

"Anything's better than staying here." Ichigo pointed out.

"Yes. If we're lucky we'll both die and forget everything we just saw." Rukia agreed, and with that the two flash stepped away.

"So, should we go help stop that Arrancar?" Yoruichi asked.

"After everything we've done I am way too exhausted to fight some Arrancar." Soi Fon sighed.

"Same here." Yoruichi said before kissing Soi Fon on the forehead. And with that, the two women fell asleep in each other's arms.


Several hours later after a long and bloody battle the feline Arrancar that had inadvertently framed Yoruichi for the murders had been slain. The following morning the Head Captain, Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto, was in his office standing and gazing out the window. Also in the office was another Soul Reaper captain with a very odd appearance. His face was painted white with a black cross-like shape in the middle covering all but his nose and part of his chin. His golden teeth were bared in a sort of twisted grin and he had a sort of golden frame around his face. His blue hair had been styled to look like horns and curved down to give the man the appearance her was wearing a pharaoh's headdress. This was the captain of the twelfth squad and the head of the research division, the mad scientist Mayuri Kurotsuchi. Also present in the office were Toshiro and Marechiyo.

"So Captain Kurotsuchi, what were you able to determine about the Arrancar we defeated yesterday?" Yamamoto asked, not once turning away from the window.

"Well it's only a theory, but from the small sample I obtained during the battle I believed that what we encountered was an early experiment by former captain Aizen to create an Arrancar from a completely animal Hollow." Mayuri explained. "It looks like it escaped Hueco Mundo and went on a rampage. The fact that it could change into a black cat like former captain Shihoin seems purely coincidental."

"I see. It looks like we rushed to judgment a little too quickly." Yamamoto observed. With that, the battle scared old man finally turned away from the window. "I suppose we are fortunate that Captain Soi Fon had difficulty apprehending Yoruichi Shihoin. Lieutenant Omaeda, do you know anything about your captain's battle with Yoruichi?"

"I know nothing sir! Nothing!" Marechiyo said frantically, his hand trembling as he saluted.

"Thank you for telling us the obvious." Mayuri said sarcastically.

Calm down Lieutenant, you're not on trial here." Yamamoto cut in. "In any case it is not surprising that Captain Soi Fon was too exhausted to participate in the battle with the Arrancar, considering the known strength and skill of her opponent." The bearded old man then turned to Toshiro. "Captain Hitsugaya, you fought that Arrancar far too recklessly. You could have gotten yourself killed."

"Forgive me Head Captain," Toshiro said with an apologetic bow, "but I was trying to shake a… disturbing image I had seen just before the battle."

"And just what image disturbed you so much that you risked your life so needlessly?" Yamamoto asked.

"I would… prefer not to say Head Captain." Toshiro replied. "It is far too graphic for me to describe."

"I see…" Yamamoto said before turning back to face the window. "In any case it seems that the matters concerning this incident are closed."


A few minutes later Marechiyo had finally left Yamamoto's office and was outside. He breathed a sigh of exhaustion as he headed for the Squad Two barracks.

"Aw man, that was brutal!" Marechiyo exclaimed as he wiped the nervous sweat from his brow "I hated lying to the Head Captain like that. But if I told him about what I saw, Captain Soi Fon would kill me. I need a drink."

As Marechiyo approached the barracks he stopped and froze when he saw Soi Fon outside. The dark haired captain of Squad Two was out walking looking around for something.

"Here kitty, kitty." Soi Fon called. On cue a very familiar black cat came out from under a bush. "There you are!" Soi Fon said to the cat as she picked it up. "I have a bath ready for us, and a few cans of whipped cream for after."

With that Soi Fon headed to her quarters with that cat. Marechiyo stood frozen where he was. He had seen and heard everything and what blushing at what Soi Fon had implied she was going to do with the supposed cat.

"I know nothing!" Marechiyo said to himself as he turned and went to find the nearest bar.

FIN


Author's Note: There you have it. I don't think this story was my best work, but I hope it was at least amusing. There might be a moral that could be taken from this story, but I'm not sure what it could be. The bits where Marechiyo insists he knows nothing was borrowed from this old show called Hogan's Heroes, which I have never seen but have seen referenced to a few times. Anyway, I hope you liked this twisted little tale of mine.

Please review and let me know what you think.