Ben is four years (and ten months) when Breha Organa-Solo is born. Everything sorta goes wrong and she's tiny and pink, and he doesn't really understand why everyone thinks she's so cute, why it's so important that he be a 'good big brother'.
Ben is just past five when he finds out what that really means. It's terrifying, and awful, and he's so lost and confused, but he knows exactly what he has to do.
Ben is almost eleven when he decides to become a Jedi. It's entirely Breha's fault.
(This is honestly just me trying to remain in denial. Also, Han and Leia don't deserve any of this. They deserve to be happy. And Rey deserves a loving family. And Ben just needs to chill the crap out. So this was born.)
Fair warning, this is a little...weird I guess? Ben's not even five yet in this chapter, so I tried writing like how I imagine a four year old thinking (it's harder than it sounds, actually). So I hope it's not too confusing? If it is, feel free to tell me and I'll try to clarify anything!
*This in no way reflects my actual theories for Rey's parentage or the plot of the official movies.
**Cross-posted on ArchiveOfOurOwn under the username little_yellow_cape
***Everything belongs to George Lucas and Disney. I own nothing.
i.
Ben is four years (and ten months) when the Day finally comes. Mom and Dad and Uncle Luke had been talking about the Day for weeks and weeks (even months) now, always reminding him like he'd forget or something. It seems like to him, however, that maybe they forgot.
He tries not to think about their sorta scary flight on the Falcon only a little bit ago (it feels like days ago now). Tries not to think about how he sat in Chewie's lap, helping the Wookie pilot the Falcon, while Dad and Uncle Luke were with Mom. Tries not to think about how Chewie tried to talk endlessly to him to drown out the sound of Mom.
Ben knows that it's okay to scream and cry. He does so every now and then, and Mom and Dad say that it's alright sometimes. But Ben's never heard Mom sound like that. Chewie had told him that she was okay, that sometimes that's just how it goes, but then they'd landed on Chandrila and people had rushed on to help Mom and Dad, and Uncle Luke had scooped Ben up, and there'd been high-pitched screaming which had hurt Ben's ears and he'd been so confused.
And maybe a little scared, too.
Now, they're in a new building Ben's never seen. Everything's really white, except it isn't a pretty white, like the snow he'd seen when Dad took him to the polar regions of Corellia, and it sorta hurts his eyes, so he has to keep blinking and looking around, trying to find something not-white to focus his eyes on. He finally manages to settle on his own feet, clad in a pair of comfortable shoes and, under those, his favorite pair of socks (they're kinda fuzzy and really warm and Ben likes to wear them around the Falcon whenever they're Travelling). He liked to wear these socks whenever he and Mom would curl up, under layers of warm blankets, and read.
Thinking about reading with Mom made Ben think about the Falcon and Home, and he gets even more uncomfortable (and maybe scared) at the fact that they aren't Home and he doesn't really know what this place is, but the white hurts his eyes, and the smell bites at his nose like that time he'd accidentally gotten it closed in a door.
He runs his tongue along the ridge of his bottom teeth, feeling it dip into the weird emptiness that'd been there ever since losing his front two teeth. They'd both gotten wiggly about a week ago, and he'd asked Dad to help pull them out. It had hurt just a little bit, and there had been a little blood, but Ben had smiled through it and Dad had laughed and Mom had given them both a fond smile and a hug. It still felt really weird, though, like when they're in the Falcon and there's just empty space and nothing there. Ben doesn't think he'll ever get used to not having front teeth, but Mom said that new ones would grow in to replace them. (He's not so sure, but Mom knows Everything.)
He wonders if that Weird Emptiness he feels is how Mom feels now. He thinks maybe he can be a little more patient (like Uncle Luke says) and understanding (like Mom says), and a little less selfish (like Dad says). Ben misses his teeth, and sure he's excited for his New Teeth, but won't he always miss them? Won't Mom always miss hers?
Ben glances at Uncle Luke, sitting so calmly and patiently in the chair next to him. Ben tries to copy him, breathing deeper and leaning back in his chair. But he can't settle the feeling in his stomach, like a bunch of flewts are flying around and trying to eat away at his insides. The image is even more upsetting, but Ben grabs a fistful of his pants in each hand and bites his bottom lip, focusing his gaze on Uncle Luke's knee and trying to 'find his center' (whatever that means) like Uncle Luke always says.
The hand on his shoulder is unexpected, and Ben jumps a little and twists to look at Uncle Luke so quickly that it reminds him of flying with Uncle Lando. He feels a hot blush running up his neck and onto his cheeks and he can't help but duck his head. He doesn't know why, but he feels really embarrassed about being so uncomfortable. He's supposed to be a Big Kid now (he's almost five, after all).
"What's wrong, Ben?" Uncle Luke asks, and there's nothing to make Ben think he's upset or anything, nothing but Uncle Luke's Kind Smile, the one he uses when he's trying to cheer someone up.
Without even thinking about it, Ben realizes that it does help, and the faintest little smile grows on his own face. But it quickly falls again when he catches sight of a woman rushing into the room that he and Uncle Luke were sitting outside of. (She's a nurse, Ben reminds himself. They were at the hospital and everything was fine.)
"I wanna go home," he says. Except that isn't what he wanted to say. He wanted to say that he was worried about Mom, because it'd been a while, and he misses her soft smiles and warm eyes and Dad's Hugs, which were the absolute bestest, and he's confused about what happened on the Falcon because no one really told him. He didn't mean to make it about him, because he knows that it isn't. But he and Uncle Luke had been waiting forever and he was getting bored and hungry and restless, like when he has to sit with Mom and Dad at gross Senate Dinners in his Good Clothes. Except worse, because he can't get the sound of Mom on the Falcon out of his head (he doesn't think he ever will).
"I know," Uncle Luke's voice pulls him out of his own misery, bringing him back to their conversation. "But it won't be much longer now," he assures Ben in that knowing way of his, like he has all these secrets no one else gets to know. "And aren't you excited to meet your little sibling?" Uncle Luke's smile is contagious (a big word that Mom used once, so it has to be Important) and the sick-like feeling in his stomach kinda comes back because he isn't really sure how he feels about his little sibling.
This little sibling that had been growing inside Mom for months and months and months, who got bigger and bigger until Ben couldn't sit on Mom's lap anymore, and who had a weird Force presence that always tickled around his own, and who made Mom sick sometimes and tired all the time, so that she couldn't spend as much time at the Senate or with Ben. Who made Mom cry and scream on the Falcon. And a bit of Ben kinda doesn't like his little sibling. He doesn't tell Uncle Luke. He thinks Uncle Luke already knows.
"You'll make a good big brother," Uncle Luke continues, repeating what Mom and Dad, and Uncle Lando, and Mon Mothma, and everyone at Senate, and all the strangers that like to come up to Mom and touch her stomach say to him.
Ben doesn't understand, not really. What makes someone a good big brother? He'd asked Dad once, and he'd asked Uncle Luke, but he still didn't know. It was like how everyone told him he was a 'chip off the old block', or the 'poster boy for peace' and the 'next generation of the Republic'. He knew that something was expected of him, but he didn't really know what people wanted. It's weird, and it makes Ben feel weird, and he doesn't like it.
He doesn't think he'll like being a big brother, either.
He doesn't say anything, though, because right at that moment the doors in front of him and Uncle Luke slid open with a quiet hiss, and several people (nurses, Ben reminds himself again) step out and walk away. One comes up to him and Uncle Luke, who has already stood up and Ben doesn't know when he did it, and smiles at them. She has a nice smile, if not as nice as Mom's or Dad's or Uncle Luke's, and Ben thinks in the back of his head that she was kinda pretty (not as pretty as Mom, though. No one could ever be that pretty.) and thinking about Mom made the screams echo in his head. He runs his tongue over the Weird Emptiness again, messing with the softness of his gums there and almost, almost, feeling a bit of his New Teeth poking out.
Ben doesn't catch what the Pretty Nurse says to Uncle Luke, but soon she's walking off and Uncle Luke is resting his hand on Ben's shoulder again and Ben is really, really grateful for it. It's like he's no longer weightless, floating in space, and instead he's like all the heroes from Ben's favorite stories, strong and brave and confident.
"You ready to meet the new baby?" Uncle Luke asks, all Big Smiles and Warm Eyes and Ben wants to smile back, really, really wants to, and he doesn't know how he feels but he's pretty sure he can't smile. But he doesn't want to make anyone else upset, so he nods quickly and lets Uncle Luke gently push him towards the door.
Ben resists, just a little bit, digging his heel in the slightest amount, but eventually gives in and steps over the threshold of the door.
He instantly focuses on his parents, and the sight of them makes the feeling in his stomach go away and Ben doesn't feel like he's quite so sick anymore. The walls are still white and it still smells weird, but Mom's in a gown that's a cheerful yellow and she looks really tired (like she has a lot the past few weeks), but Ben would swear that she was actually glowing and she just looks so happy, and Dad's next to her in the bed and his smile is the biggest that Ben's ever seen, bigger than any of Uncle Luke's, and Ben thinks that Dad's cheeks are going to hurt. But in the good way, like when Ben laughs so hard that his stomach cramps up.
Mom is okay. Mom is okay. He repeats that in his head a few times, just to block out the sound of the cries.
Mom's stomach isn't all Big anymore, from what Ben can see, and instead she's holding this little bundle, wrapped up in a light green blanket that kinda reminds Ben of his own blue one he still sometimes needs to sleep. Except it's not his and so he doesn't know how to feel about that. He puts his hands behind his back and laces his fingers together, like Mom taught him to do whenever he got restless at a Senate Meeting, and messes with the Weird Emptiness again and suddenly it seems weirder than before.
Dad looks up at him, and Ben thinks that his Smile gets even bigger (it really makes Ben happy, because Dad's Smile is the best and it's nice that it's better because of him and not just the new baby). "Hey, kiddo," Dad speaks up, quietly though, like anything louder will wake the baby. "You wanna meet your little sister?"
Ben doesn't know. He thinks the answer might be 'no', but he knows that saying that will make Mom and Dad sad and he doesn't ever want Mom and Dad to be sad so he just sort of shuffles forward. Uncle Luke's hand leaves his shoulder and Ben knows it's because Uncle Luke wants to give him a little bit of time with just his parents and the baby but Ben doesn't like it and as he gets closer to the bed he starts to feel gross inside again and like he's drifting alone in space.
But then he's next to Dad and Dad's scooping him up in his arms like he's a little kid still (which he's not, he's almost five), and it's a nice feeling and Ben's happy. And then he's sitting on Dad's lap and Mom's smiling at him so softly and he realizes that Mom looks completely fine, maybe a little tired, but she's okay. Ben thinks she should take a nap, like he used to when he got tired, and maybe the only reason she hadn't yet was because she wanted to see Ben meet his little sister (he knew it was going to be a sister; girls were Trouble, that's what Dad always said).
He wants to make Mom happy, even if he almost feels like crying, so he turns his head and looks at his baby sister for the first time.
She'sā¦pink. Like, really, really pink. And wrinkly.
Ben tells Mom and Dad so, and they laugh, so warmly and carefree, like on the Good Days where Mom doesn't have to go away for work and Dad's home, and suddenly Ben doesn't mind so much that he's been kinda lonely and bored and frustrated lately.
"I thought babies were supposed to be cute," he admits, almost embarrassed again. At least, that's what everyone tells him. He's beginning to think that adults were really weird and that maybe people's eyes got messed up when they got older.
Everyone laughs again, and Ben smiles because he was the reason behind it, and he looks up and realizes that Uncle Luke's joined them, standing on the other side of the bed with his hand (the Real Hand, not the cool fake one) on Mom's shoulder.
"Nah, Bud," Dad grins, "she'll grow into it. They get cute real fast," he assures Ben.
(Ben's not sure he believes Dad. He nods anyway.)
"What's her name?" Uncle Luke wonders.
Mom smiles, big and bright like a star, "Breha Organa-Solo."
Ben looks back down at the baby (his little sister) and thinks that the name's a bit long for someone so tiny. He tries the name out, to see what it feels like on his tongue, but he stumbles on it and his two missing teeth just make it worse, so that instead of sounding like 'Breha', it kinda sounds like just 'Rey'. Dad and Uncle Luke laugh and Mom smiles and Ben ducks his head, a blush creeping up his neck warm and uncomfortable. But the baby blinks open her eyes and shifts a little in her light green blanket, as if she knows Ben was talking about her. She lets out a high-pitched cry/gurgling noise that sorta hurts Ben's ears, and she somehow manages to get one of her hands loose of the blanket.
Without thinking, Ben reaches out his hand, placing one of his fingers in his sister's palm. Her hand curls around it naturally, like when flowers furl back up after the sun sets. It's not a very tight grip, but the instant it closes around his finger Ben feels his sister. Not like when he would place his hand on Mom's stomach or lay his head there to try and feel the baby kick, but like how he feels Mom and Uncle Luke and even Dad sometimes. Except his sister isn't like Mom, whose all warm air and soft grass and the crashing of waves against rocks, or Uncle Luke, whose open space and bright, hot stars. His sister is sorta like the tickling of the sun against your face, the sunlight through the leaves of trees, and, very faintly, like background noise, the scorch of sand against bare feet. And suddenly, the feel of his sister washes away the fear and the echoes of screams in his head. Mom is alright, his sister is alright, and everything is okay, and Ben doesn't feel like crying anymore.
She's strong (of course she is, she's an Organa-Solo, she's his sister), but she's also so very fragile. And Ben thinks about the Stories that Mom and Dad and Uncle Luke tell him, about Ben Kenobi, and Yoda, and Grandfather before he made his Mistakes. He thinks about the Jedi, and how they protected people, especially those who couldn't protect themselves. And maybe he might understand what being a big brother is actually about. He also thinks ā Dad laughing so joyfully behind him, Uncle Luke smiling his Warm Smile, Mom carding her fingers through his hair ā maybe he doesn't really mind having a little sister.
(And yes, if you're wondering, Rey was 100% born on the Millennium Falcon and no one can tell me different.)
I've already finished the second chapter (which I'll post next week), and I've started on the third chapter (probably in two weeks?); also, after I finish this piece, I'll be (eventually) following up with a companion piece for Rey titled The Keeper, so keep on the lookout for that!
Thank you all so much for reading and I hope you guys enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!
Feel free to leave any comments, questions, or concerns you guys have for me!
Love you guys,
~Cape
