Okay, my first humour fic, which I thought would be funny,
But in the end just turned out lame.
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: FF7 and its characters do not belong to me they belong to Square, and neither does the story of the gingerbread man.
The Gingerbread Man
*Rufus scowling at his desk, with a bunch of papers in front of him*
Rufus: I have NO idea whose idea it is to make me read a children's story, but just because the pay is good, I'll do it.
Cameraman: Okay, it's rolling.
Rufus: *ahem* Once upon a time, there lived a happy couple in a tiny cottage...
*Scene switches to Sephiroth, in a cottage, dressed in a pink frilly apron, kneading dough. Sephiroth hears narration, throws down dough and whips off apron.*
Sephiroth: THAT'S it! How many times must I say, we're NOT a happy couple, it's MOTHER and ME, and this is the Shinra mansion!
Rufus: *struts into view of camera, flicks hair* Hey, I'm only reading from the bleeding script.
Hojo: *comes into mansion* Hey, look at this. I was out "working" in the "fields" when I found this materi...I mean...suspiciously-glowing potatoes that looks like a good experimental...I mean, cooking subject...
Sephiroth: Ah, hand it to mother. She's in the kitchen baking gingerbread men.
*Black smoke billows from kitchen as Sephiroth opens kitchen door. Jenhova sits like a giant immobile lump she is beside the oven where Sephiroth has placed her. *
Sephiroth: AAAH!!! MOTHER!! YOU LET MY GINGERBREAD BURN!!
Jenhova: ...
Sephiroth: Argh!! I'll do it myself!!
Rufus: So the wife... I mean, family men sat down after a long hard day to make a gingerbread man.
Sephiroth: That's gingerbread army to you!! I was planning to create an army...
Hojo: ...of clones!
Sephiroth: To destroy the world!!
Hojo: ...But we ran out of funding.
*Both glare at Rufus*
Rufus: Er, right. So, the family men sat down after a long hard day to create a gingerbread clone army.
Sephiroth: Hey?! We ran out of dough! Hojo!!
Hojo: What?
Sephiroth: I specifically told you to get enough flour for a few hundred clones!
Hojo: ...I did.
Sephiroth: *frostily* Well, what is this? *points to a single roughly human- sized dough figure he's shaped out on the tray, no dough left on the table anywhere.*
Hojo: Oh...you mean they're supposed to be that size? I thought gingerbread men were *uses thumb and finger to estimate* that size.
Sephiroth: WHAT?! You think I want an army of tiny jumping dwarves to help me rule the world?!
Hojo: Oh heck, we'll just experiment on this one first. *Can't wait to use this pretty yellow-blue mako I found...*
Sephiroth: *Coldly* fine.
Rufus: So the gingerbread man is
Baking in the gingerbread pan. *peers down at gingerbread man*
Raisin...I mean, mako for eyes and a cherry for the...err....wait, where's the nose?
*Sephiroth and Hojo piles gingerbread into oven, sets it for an hour. Have just seated themselves down and started quibbling among each other when oven explodes. Smoke clears. Rufus, Sephiroth, Hojo all peer down into burning oven.*
Rufus: Cute and sexy down to his fingers and toes.
A gingerbread bishounen in a gingerbread pan!
Sephiroth: It lives!!
Hojo: Success!! *pushes Rufus and Sephiroth away, opens oven.*
Sephiroth: He doesn't look at all like what we moulded.
Rufus: Thank goodness.
Sephiroth: Hey!
Rufus: Now open the oven to see if he's done,
This gingerbread man, he knows how to run.
*Tiny figure of Cloud emerges, glowing mako eyes, stands outside oven looking all confused. *
Rufus: ...Er, okay, what the hell... he DOESN'T know how to run.
Cloud: Wha...? Oh, that's my cue?
Director: Yes.
Cloud: I don't feel like running, I'm tired! Besides, my legs are cramping from being squished in that oven...
Rufus: There's an easy way to remedy that. *releases a cage full of screaming Cloud fangirls.*
Fangirls: Squeeee...!!!!
Cloud: Argh!!! NOOO!!! *runs*
*Cloud runs out of Shinra mansion, fangirls and Sephiroth and Hojo hot on his heels. Jenhova remains in kitchen.*
Rufus: Now chase him, old woman *Jenhova remains immobile*, Chase him old man! (and Hojo and fangirls)
The gingerbread man is out of the pan!
Sephiroth: You did that on purpose!!
Rufus: I'm paid to. And for a million gil, I'll tell you how to get him back...
Sephiroth: Screw that! I, the great Sephiroth, will get him back myself!! *runs after Cloud*
Rufus: Suits you.
*emerges behind Rufus a few figures* Reno: Hi babes.
Elena: Oooh! What a cute kitchen! I wanna make cookies!
Tseng: Elena, stop acting so weak!
Rude: ...
Rufus: Hey!! Where did you guys come from?
Reno: We're the burnt batch of gingerbread men.
Hojo: *comes running back* I think it's the effect of the mako!! Mwahahaha, now I have my own army! Sephiroth can keep his fleeing ninny gingerbread man!
Rude: Where do you keep the booze?
Reno: Yeah, why the hell are we so sober? Why ain't I made of rum 'n raisin?
Hojo: ...
To be continued...
Okay, I ran out of creativity from this point onwards... I desperately hope no reader is ready to die of boredom now... *glances at room full of readers so bored they're snoring*
Oh well, please read and review!
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: FF7 and its characters do not belong to me they belong to Square, and neither does the story of the gingerbread man.
The Gingerbread Man
*Rufus scowling at his desk, with a bunch of papers in front of him*
Rufus: I have NO idea whose idea it is to make me read a children's story, but just because the pay is good, I'll do it.
Cameraman: Okay, it's rolling.
Rufus: *ahem* Once upon a time, there lived a happy couple in a tiny cottage...
*Scene switches to Sephiroth, in a cottage, dressed in a pink frilly apron, kneading dough. Sephiroth hears narration, throws down dough and whips off apron.*
Sephiroth: THAT'S it! How many times must I say, we're NOT a happy couple, it's MOTHER and ME, and this is the Shinra mansion!
Rufus: *struts into view of camera, flicks hair* Hey, I'm only reading from the bleeding script.
Hojo: *comes into mansion* Hey, look at this. I was out "working" in the "fields" when I found this materi...I mean...suspiciously-glowing potatoes that looks like a good experimental...I mean, cooking subject...
Sephiroth: Ah, hand it to mother. She's in the kitchen baking gingerbread men.
*Black smoke billows from kitchen as Sephiroth opens kitchen door. Jenhova sits like a giant immobile lump she is beside the oven where Sephiroth has placed her. *
Sephiroth: AAAH!!! MOTHER!! YOU LET MY GINGERBREAD BURN!!
Jenhova: ...
Sephiroth: Argh!! I'll do it myself!!
Rufus: So the wife... I mean, family men sat down after a long hard day to make a gingerbread man.
Sephiroth: That's gingerbread army to you!! I was planning to create an army...
Hojo: ...of clones!
Sephiroth: To destroy the world!!
Hojo: ...But we ran out of funding.
*Both glare at Rufus*
Rufus: Er, right. So, the family men sat down after a long hard day to create a gingerbread clone army.
Sephiroth: Hey?! We ran out of dough! Hojo!!
Hojo: What?
Sephiroth: I specifically told you to get enough flour for a few hundred clones!
Hojo: ...I did.
Sephiroth: *frostily* Well, what is this? *points to a single roughly human- sized dough figure he's shaped out on the tray, no dough left on the table anywhere.*
Hojo: Oh...you mean they're supposed to be that size? I thought gingerbread men were *uses thumb and finger to estimate* that size.
Sephiroth: WHAT?! You think I want an army of tiny jumping dwarves to help me rule the world?!
Hojo: Oh heck, we'll just experiment on this one first. *Can't wait to use this pretty yellow-blue mako I found...*
Sephiroth: *Coldly* fine.
Rufus: So the gingerbread man is
Baking in the gingerbread pan. *peers down at gingerbread man*
Raisin...I mean, mako for eyes and a cherry for the...err....wait, where's the nose?
*Sephiroth and Hojo piles gingerbread into oven, sets it for an hour. Have just seated themselves down and started quibbling among each other when oven explodes. Smoke clears. Rufus, Sephiroth, Hojo all peer down into burning oven.*
Rufus: Cute and sexy down to his fingers and toes.
A gingerbread bishounen in a gingerbread pan!
Sephiroth: It lives!!
Hojo: Success!! *pushes Rufus and Sephiroth away, opens oven.*
Sephiroth: He doesn't look at all like what we moulded.
Rufus: Thank goodness.
Sephiroth: Hey!
Rufus: Now open the oven to see if he's done,
This gingerbread man, he knows how to run.
*Tiny figure of Cloud emerges, glowing mako eyes, stands outside oven looking all confused. *
Rufus: ...Er, okay, what the hell... he DOESN'T know how to run.
Cloud: Wha...? Oh, that's my cue?
Director: Yes.
Cloud: I don't feel like running, I'm tired! Besides, my legs are cramping from being squished in that oven...
Rufus: There's an easy way to remedy that. *releases a cage full of screaming Cloud fangirls.*
Fangirls: Squeeee...!!!!
Cloud: Argh!!! NOOO!!! *runs*
*Cloud runs out of Shinra mansion, fangirls and Sephiroth and Hojo hot on his heels. Jenhova remains in kitchen.*
Rufus: Now chase him, old woman *Jenhova remains immobile*, Chase him old man! (and Hojo and fangirls)
The gingerbread man is out of the pan!
Sephiroth: You did that on purpose!!
Rufus: I'm paid to. And for a million gil, I'll tell you how to get him back...
Sephiroth: Screw that! I, the great Sephiroth, will get him back myself!! *runs after Cloud*
Rufus: Suits you.
*emerges behind Rufus a few figures* Reno: Hi babes.
Elena: Oooh! What a cute kitchen! I wanna make cookies!
Tseng: Elena, stop acting so weak!
Rude: ...
Rufus: Hey!! Where did you guys come from?
Reno: We're the burnt batch of gingerbread men.
Hojo: *comes running back* I think it's the effect of the mako!! Mwahahaha, now I have my own army! Sephiroth can keep his fleeing ninny gingerbread man!
Rude: Where do you keep the booze?
Reno: Yeah, why the hell are we so sober? Why ain't I made of rum 'n raisin?
Hojo: ...
To be continued...
Okay, I ran out of creativity from this point onwards... I desperately hope no reader is ready to die of boredom now... *glances at room full of readers so bored they're snoring*
Oh well, please read and review!
