A/N: Welcome to my Monopoly fic. I'm doing a fanfiction intersession at my school (a week where I sit in a room for seven hours every day and write fanfiction) and needed to start a new one. The fic should be pretty cool, despite the hokey idea.

Just so you know, this universe disregards everything that happened when Harry gets to the ministry in the 5th book. Sirius is still alive, as is Remus, Dumbledore, Snape, and Voldemort. Voldemort pulled some really stupid stunts and lost a lot of dignity and credibility. He fled, and now no one knows where he is.

Warnings: Language, violence, innuendo, and there might end up being some slash pairings and straight pairings (maybe HP/DM, HP/SS, SB/RL, SB/SS, RW/HG—if you want to vote which ones, I'll put a poll on my profile.

Review! Thanks!

Chapter 1: Monopoly

"Is that all you've got, old man?" joked Harry Potter, dodging a stream of ropes that shot from Dumbledore's wand.

"Lesson three: be careful which old man you taunt, Harry." Albus Dumbledore flicked his wand at Harry. Before Harry could raise a shield charm, he was hit by Professor Dumbledore's curse. "Lesson four: clearly that's not all 'I've got.'" Harry was still trying to figure out what the curse had done. He reached up to scratch his chin—moustache—beard. "Lesson five: watch who you're calling 'old man.'" Dumbledore smiled wistfully as he watched Harry trip over his new beard.

Harry quickly froze the beard, stopping its growth before he couldn't breathe anymore. He was pretty sure he looked like a giant guinea pig or something. Next, he put up a shield around himself and his massive beard before systematically severing parts of it, so that he could maneuver sufficiently. He wouldn't have a chance at winning the duel if he were stuck in a beard. –Of course, if he thought about it, he didn't have a chance of winning against Dumbledore anyway.

He got his arms and legs free, but kept the rest of the beard. It was the middle of the winter, and they were dueling outside on the snow-covered lawn. Harry didn't mind the extra warmth, even if it was a little itchy.

He thought about ways to get the upper hand on Dumbledore. He couldn't disillusion himself, because Dumbledore would be able to sense the magical signature…or something. He couldn't apparate around to confuse Dumbledore because he was inside the Hogwarts grounds. He couldn't fake Dumbledore out with one spell while he cast another, because Harry didn't know how to multitask with his magic yet.

An idea struck him. He could multi task with other things. Would it work?

He conjured the biggest snake he could, and plopped it down right in front of Dumbledore. It was twenty five feet long, and its body was at least a foot in diameter at its widest.

"Trap him!" hissed Harry in parseltongue. "And don't bite him!" Harry remembered just in time that the snake was probably very venomous.

Harry began rapidly shooting spells at Dumbledore. Trap. Stun. Bind. Impede. Levitate. Freeze.

"I will crussshh him" hissed the snake as it thundered after the agile Dumbledore.

"Don't hurt him. Jussst trap him," Harry told the snake between spells.

The snake hissed something that sounded remarkably like "kill-joy."

By that time, Dumbledore was dancing around to avoid Harry's spells, and was still managing to make Harry move. Just then, the snake took a particularly accurate swipe with its tail, forcing Dumbledore to cartwheel out if its way. Harry finally managed to land a hex ("Rictusempra!"), and Dumbledore collapsed in a fit of laughter. The snake took that opportunity to curl itself firmly around Dumbledore's rib cage (which was still shaking from laughter) and pin his arms down.

Harry approached, quite pleased with himself. Dumbledore stopped laughing to look up at him.

"Clever, Harry."

Harry beamed.

"Lesson six." Dumbledore paused like he was trying to remember something. When he spoke again, Harry's jaw dropped. "Know your opponent'sss ssstrengthsss," Dumbledore hissed in very British accented Parseltongue. "Free me," he told the snake, and it obeyed.

The snake looked apologetically at Harry. "Your accccent'ss better, but he hasss more power."

"Bugger," said Harry. As he ran, he cast a shielding charm around himself, but Dumbledore was faster. Harry felt a spell hit in him between his shoulder blades. Before he knew it, he was on the ground, his legs jerking and twitching uncontrollably with the tarantallegra curse. He tried pointing his wand at the approaching Dumbledore, but his legs wouldn't allow him to keep it steady enough.

"Expelliarmus," incanted Dumbledore. Harry's wand flew out of his hand, and Dumbledore caught it.

Harry's legs stopped twitching. Dumbledore reached down and helped Harry up.

"What inspired you to conjure a snake?" asked Dumbledore while Harry was brushing himself off.

"I figured it was the best way I could multitask," said Harry. "I didn't know you spoke Parseltongue."

"I did my best to learn Voldemort's parlor tricks," he smiled. "It is more productive for you to be dueling with his strengths and weaknesses in mind rather than mine. Otherwise, when the time comes—"

"If the time ever comes," Harry interrupted. "Do you think he's really going to come back? He's been gone since sixth year." Voldemort had vanished after a series of embarrassing blunders that had virtually lost him all credibility as "dark lord."

"I am sure he will," said Dumbledore gravely. "He is certainly not sitting on a beach in Majorca sunning himself. I'm sure he burns too easily." It was a mark of how widespread Voldemort's discredit was that Dumbledore would joke about him, even subtly.

"Either way," he continued, "if I prepared you to fight against me, when the time comes, you might expect to win a duel with Voldemort by offering him a lemon drop as means of distraction."

Harry chuckled. "Would that work on you?"

Dumbledore's eyes glimmered. "You'll have to try to find out. Monday's lesson's in the morning, however, and I'll have just brushed my teeth. If you are going to try, please do so in the afternoon. –And now, our dinner approaches. Shall we?" He offered Harry his arm.

Harry rolled his eyes, and took the arm. If any other man had offered his arm, Harry would have asked if he'd been jinxed. With Dumbledore it was just part of his eccentric genius.

Harry let Dumbledore escort him inside the castle, into the great hall, and back to the round graduate table to the left of the head table. As he pulled out Harry's chair, Ron caught Harry's eye and promptly stuck his fist in his mouth so that he wouldn't laugh. Hermione smacked him with a notebook before turning to Dumbledore.

"Good evening, Professor Dumbledore."

"Good evening, Ms. Granger. I trust your lessons are going well? Septima tells me you are helping her teach her classes."

"Oh yes!" gushed Hermione. "Professor Vector's a fantastic teacher, and I'm learning so much and…" Ron looked at her incredulously. "It's really wonderful," she finished, blushing a little.

Dumbledore smiled. "I'm glad to hear it. I look forward to catching up with all of you, but, if you'll excuse me, I hear a pork chop calling my name. It's uncanny. Have a lovely meal."

"You too, professor!" Hermione called after him as he swept behind the staff table.

"I could cut your meat for you professor! It's really not out of my way," mocked Malfoy from across the table. Luna's head drifted sideways to look at him.

"I believe you're making fun of Hermione. That's mean, Draco," she told him.

"Oh, eat your rabbit food, Loony," said Draco gesturing at her salad, "and mind your own business."

"I find that a bed of Hankileaf is quite sufficient for my diet, thank you."

"'Oo tell 'im" said Ron encouragingly through a mouthful of food.

"Five points from Gryffindor for talking with your mouth full, Weasley." Harry fell out of his chair in shock. Snape was standing right behind him, and he hadn't noticed.

"But Professor," said Hermione, "We're not in Gryffindor anymore. We're in the graduate program and—"

"Are you contradicting me, Granger?" oozed Snape dangerously.

"Five points to Gryffindor for astute observation skills," said another voice from behind Harry, who was still on the ground. Harry craned his neck and spotted Sirius Black standing behind Snape.

"Black," growled Snape.

"And five points from Slytherin for attacking Mr. Potter," finished Sirius.

"I did not atta—I am a profess—Remus, can't you control your dog?"

Remus Lupin had appeared, his hand on Sirius's shoulder. "'Fraid not, Severus. I've been trying for years. Come on, Sirius. The food's getting cold."

"No it's not," he protested, but he went with Lupin all the same.

"You too, Severus, let's go."

Snape's face twisted in indignation. "Don't presume you can…" their argument faded into the din as they made their way behind the staff table.

Harry got back up to his seat. Hermione's face was in her hands. "Every. Single. Day. Boys! Why can't they get over it?"

It was the only topic that Harry and his friends and Malfoy could discuss civilly. They were all in awe of how immature Sirius and Snape acted around each other.

"I mean, Potter, you and I aren't that bad."

"Even if you are a ponce," said Ron.

"Blood traitor."

"Daddy's boy."

"Bankrupt."

"Spoiled brat."

"Brainless oaf."

"Narcissistic ferret."

"Weasel."

Ron growled.

"Yeah, we aren't that bad," said Harry. "That, and they're a good twenty years older than we are. They should have had time to get over it."

"I mean," said Hermione reasonably, "there's competition…that's like Harry and me in potions class, then there's rivalry—that's like…Harry and Draco—sorry Draco." Draco shrugged. "Then there's nemesis, like Harry and Snape, I suppose…and outright enemies like…Harry and Voldemort—"

"And then, on a totally different level, there's Sirius and Snape," interrupted Ron. Everyone at the table laughed except Luna, who was busy examining one of her Hankileaves.

"They'd have killed each other by now if Lupin hadn't been looking after them like infants," said Draco.

Both Harry and Draco had a lot of respect and affection for their godfathers Sirius, and Snape, respectively, but it had gotten too difficult for them to keep defending the petty bickering.

"I still don't understand why Black's here, though," said Malfoy.

"It's only been four years since he cleared his name after our fifth year," said Hermione.

"Imagine him out there on his own. He'd get eaten alive," said Ron.

"And I guess he's helping out here and there. He's really good at teaching the first years to fly, and I overheard McGonagall saying she's really appreciated having him as her assistant. I mean, how old is she? She must be around seventy five," said Harry.

"It sure seemed like an act of mercy more than anything," said Draco.

"No one's denying that. He is, um, a fairly frivolous person," said Hermione sheepishly.

"And Snape's so bloody stubborn," groaned Harry. He'd come out of their graduate lesson with Snape that morning with a rash all over his hands because Snape refused to tell him how to fix it.

The dishes cleared themselves of the remaining desserts, and the five graduates stood up.

"Back to the common room, then?" asked Malfoy. "You lot aren't going to play exploding snap again tonight, are you? I could hear you through my silencing charms."

"Sorry about that," grimaced Hermione. "No…it's Friday night and we've got some extra time. I thought we'd play Monopoly."

"Another muggle game, 'Mione?" asked Ron, still swallowing cake.

Draco snickered. "A Friday night and you lot are playing board games again."

"I don't exactly see you going out on the town, Malfoy," said Harry.

"Besides," said Hermione, "his game's really good."

"Good like Clue, or good like strip poker?" asked Ron.

Hermione hit him with a notebook again as they made their way out of the hall and towards the grad dorm on the fourth floor. Draco walked in front, pretending he wasn't walking with them, and Luna walked in back, looking at the ceiling and mumbling.

"Fiddlesticks," said Draco to the portrait of the vampire over their dorm door. The vampire raised his eyebrow, gave Draco a onceover, growled appreciatively, and swung the portrait open. Hermione covered her mouth with her hand, and Harry had the distinct impression that she was trying not to laugh.

Once inside the common room, Hermione hurried over to her bedroom. She reappeared a moment later with a long, thin box balanced in her hands. She set it down on the low table between two massive sofas and removed the lid. She pulled out the blue board and unfolded it. Around the edges there were little rectangles and squares with pictures and names in capital letters like "ST. JAMES PLACE," and "ATLANTIC AVENUE." In the middle was the name of the game: "MONOPOLY", with a little man popping out of the second O.

She took out a yellow stack of cards and placed it in a rectangle marked "COMMUNITY CHEST," and an orange stack of cards in the rectangle marked "CHANCE."

"Who all's playing?" asked Hermione.

"I guess I'll play," said Harry.

"I'm in," sighed Ron.

"I will play," said Luna.

"Draco?" asked Hermione.

Malfoy sneered. "What's this one about?" he asked, trying to hide his interest.

"Making money," said Hermione.

"There's no reason for me to play it, then," said Malfoy.

"I bet you couldn't make money," said Ron. "Sure, you're pretty good at inheriting it, but you couldn't actually make any."

"Look who's talking, Weasley."

Ron grinned. "Chicken."

"Are you trying to get him to play?" asked Harry incredulously out of the corner of his mouth.

"I'll kick his arse," Ron replied quietly.

"You don't even know how to play."

"Neither does he," argued Ron.

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Alright, I'll play. It will be horribly boring for me, though," said Malfoy.

They all sat down on the couches around the table and looked expectantly at Hermione.

"Ok, you pick your pieces while I deal out your money. I'll be banker."

"I think I should be banker," said Malfoy. "I know what to do with money."

"Like throw it at your problems?" muttered Ron.

"I'll be banker," said Hermione. "Pick your pieces, there." She poured out a handful of little metal pieces onto the board.

Malfoy immediately grabbed the man on the horse. Ron coughed and it sounded remarkably like "ponce." Luna picked the boot. Ron picked the ship. Harry picked the car.

Hermione was dealing out the thin pieces of fake American money, muttering to herself. "Two of these…two of these…six of these…five of these…" When she was done, she handed each player his or her stack of money.

"I think I'm missing a hundred," said Malfoy immediately.

"It's under the table, Malfoy," said Harry, trying not to get irritated so early in the game.

Hermione picked her piece (the wheelbarrow), and began explaining the rules. She waved the property cards at them, and pointed out squares on the board like "Go" and "Jail" and "Free Parking." "It's not technically in the rules," said Hermione, "but I like to play where luxury taxes and things go to Free Parking."

They all nodded, trying to follow along.

Before long they were bartering for property, fighting over the Boardwalk, building houses and hotels, mortgaging, and praying to Merlin that they didn't get three doubles in a row lest they go to jail.

It was well past midnight when Hermione finally exclaimed, "goodness! Look at the time! I've papers to grade tomorrow!"

"Oy," said Harry, "I was going to tutor Marc, the Gryffindor seeker. Sorry, but I should..."

They broke apart, and each headed to their individual rooms. Luna remained at the table counting.

"Does this mean I win?" she asked the common room before heading to her own chambers humming.

Harry was exhausted, and was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He slept, and he slept soundly.

–They all slept soundly. Ron was snoring away in his bed. Hermione fell asleep with a book on her chest, and Draco was nestled under his green silk sheets. Luna had donned her home-invented dream-enhancer and tucked herself in with her feet on her pillow.

Harry felt like he'd been asleep for twelve hours when he finally found his way back to consciousness with a warm morning sun beating down on his face.

It took him a moment to realize—he was laying on something other than a bed. Concrete? No, tiles. He opened his eyes and saw red tiles. He blinked blearily. Was he dreaming? Was someone playing a joke? Had Voldemort captured him?

He sat up, feeling himself up and down for injuries. Finding none, he blinked again and took a look around. There were other people—people he knew. There was Hermione, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. There were Ron, Draco, and Luna…And a little farther away was Sirius still sleeping, curled tightly around Remus. He snorted, but had to admit it was pretty cute. And there—there was Dumbledore, stretching and yawning.

And then somebody grabbed the back of Harry's head, and smashed it down against the tile violently. To Harry's surprise, the tile gave slightly, so he was only mildly discomforted by the action but—

"I've got you now, Potter. You have no idea how long I've waited," hissed a voice in Harry's ear.

He whimpered and shook, too afraid to try to worm his way out of the grip of the long, pale fingers.

"Unhand that boy," growled a deep voice. Harry couldn't see the speaker, but it was the second time that day that—

"Severus! My loyal servant. You dare presume to give me orders? I could kill you in an instant."

"Let him go, Tom," said Dumbledore, now standing up and drawing his wand.

"Dumbledore! I'll kill you too, but first, the boy." Harry felt a wand poke him in the back.

"Avada" Harry trembled, closing his eyes. "Kedavra!"

There was a bang and Harry was enveloped in green smoke. He heard a high cold laugh, and he knew it must be over.

He took in a lungful of the smoke and coughed. He could still hear Voldemort's laugh, joined by the screams of his friends. He coughed again, knowing it was….it was…

Harry wasn't dead.

"Severus! You're next! Avada" said the high cold voice.

"Oh, shut up," said Snape. Harry sat up just in time to see Severus Snape clock Voldemort in the jaw.

"Harry!" shrieked Hermione through Voldemort's howling.

"That's my boy," said Sirius, who'd been awoken by the commotion.

"That's twice now you've survived the Avada Kedavra curse," said Ron in awe.

"The wands aren't working, you imbeciles," said Snape. "Just my luck. I get stuck somewhere without magic with the golden boy and the mutt," he spat at Sirius.

Harry stood up and brushed himself off, noticing his outfit for the first time. He wore a three piece black suit with green pin stripes. He looked around at the others. Dumbledore wore a purple suit with silver pinstripes. Hermione had on a flouncy dress and stockings with seams. Ron and Remus's outfits included suspenders. Draco was in all black, except for his white tie, and wore a very shiny pair of shoes. On his head was a matching black fedora. Snape had removed his jacket and had it slung over his shoulder by two fingers. He wore a black vest with a silver shirt underneath and black pants. Voldemort, who wasn't looking particularly dignified at the moment, was in a suit of all black.

"Where are we, anyway?" asked Sirius.

"A nightmare, clearly," muttered Snape.

"Go."

Everyone turned around and looked at Luna. Luna was wearing a yellow sundress that didn't look out of the ordinary for her at all.

"Go?" asked everyone.

"Go," she said.

A/N: Please review! I'll probably post again tomorrow. TTFN.

-Moonlight