Disclaimer: All characters mentioned are the property of J.K. Rowling. The plot, though, is mine.

For D. In the name of the past,

Stupid.

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.

- Paul Boese

Stupid lines, stupid laws, stupid sides, stupid flaws, stupid words, stupid silence, stupid bullies, stupid victims, stupid grey underpants – and I can never take it back. No one, it seems, will let me forget that.

Not Albus.

Not Harry.

Certainly not you,

It's amazing how one man can hate you almost as much as he loves you. It's amazing how you could never figure it out; or how much you changed in those past few years. That, however, never made a difference to me because with me you were always just you. In those moments all I saw was the truth.

And it was beautiful.

So every night, I pray. Even though I don't really believe in a God that's up there, at least not one that would be willing to forgive me. But I do what I do for it is my only refuge. I pray that I think before I speak, that I'm allowed to break - once. I pray that you're with the one that makes you happy. I pray that, that one was me; and when I'm on my knees in the still darkness on the mahogany floor next to my bed I often question myself, "Did it slip, Severus? Really?"

That question is followed by silence. It has been so for the past fifteen years. Though not because I do not know the answer but because I know it only too well – and I can't escape it any more.

My interlocked fingers loosen themselves from their bonds and in the light of moon that comes from the window to my right, I can see how gnarled they have become. I wonder if things had been better, would you still shy away from my touch? Would still dance the way you did with Potter, while the autumn leaves fell? Would Harry still look like him? Would all of this happen? It would. I know. If I hadn't…

But I did.

And I know why.

I look ahead, staring into the darkness for a while before crouching down as my shoulders slump and I hold my head in my hands; then releasing a cold breath that had been locked up in my heart for so long I decide that it's time to be a man and answer. My lips are dry, my eyes beginning to dampen. For a moment I freeze as if I'd been petrified. Pulling my fast-slipping sleeves over my left arm, I bring myself to say it. Because…

"I was stupid, Lily, I was stupid."