Do You Know the Muffin Man?

Summary: So I keep reading these Saw fics about muffins…and Hoffman's love of them. So, thanks guys for the inspiration, and note to self: never write crackfics when hungry. You've been warned; I am not responsible for the suckiness of this final product. AU. Love you guys; R&R please!

* ring, ring! *

"Who could possibly be calling me THIS EARLY?" Hoffman growled, rising out of bed. He glanced at the clock; it was 6:30 AM.

"Hello?" Hoffman picked up the portable receiver.

"Is this Mark Hoffman?" the voice on the other line asked.

"Who are you? It's 6:30 in the friggin' morning; you better have a good reason for calling!"

"Listen Hoff, do you know the muffin man?"

"WHO? I hate muffins! And don't call me Hoff; I've never worn a Speedo in my life! (1)"

"Dude, come on! You gotta know the muffin man!"

"LISTEN YOU. YOU BETTER TELL ME WHO YOU ARE RIGHT NOW! I've got an extra Reverse Bear Trap and I'm not afraid to use it!"

"Muffin. Muffin. How about a muffin? At Cunningham Muffins, we've got all kinds of flavors! Like Raspberry. Cranberry. Apples. Cinnamon…"

"LISTEN YOU-!"

"Don't interrupt Mark! Now where was I…? Oh yes, of course! Banana. Orange. Choco Choco Chip! We've got Fish. Paper Clip. Pencil. Newspaper. AND FIRE! (2)" At this point, the voice on the other line couldn't help but snicker.

Hoffman grew more and more irate by the minute. He lowered his voice to a deadly whisper. "If you don't tell me who you are right now…"

"You'll never know who I am! Hehe!" With that, the caller hung up.

"ARGH!" Hoffman yelled and threw the portable receiver across the room; it hit the wall and broke into pieces. He stormed out of his room and to the kitchen, where he found John at the kitchen table, sipping coffee and reading the morning paper.

"Morning sleepy head!" John said. "I made breakfast; you hungry?" Suddenly, the oven timer went off, and John rose from the table to grab the tray from the oven; he quickly turned around to face Hoffman again.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Hoffman screamed.

"What's wrong? These are my mother's famous corn muffins! YUM!"

Hoffman's eyes widened and he stared at the tray. He backed away slowly, finally turned and sprinted out of the kitchen.

John placed the tray on the table. "I wonder was that was about? …Oh well, more for me!"

As he gathered butter from the fridge, a plate from the cabinet and a knife from the drawer, he began to sing quietly to himself. "Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man? Do you know the muffin man who lives on Drury Lane!"

THE END.

(1): Yay for 80's Baywatch reference!

(2): You've seen the video I'm sure.