I loved the episode "Measure Of Men" but always wanted to kick people's asses for not having Mac stick around to hear Harm tell her that he'd give up Renee. Why it would matter to her? I don't know. Could Mac not tell that Harm, basically, settled with Renee? They can't be that dense, either of them. Talk about throwing wrenches in the work for wrenches sake.

Anyway, Harm being the stubborn dude that we love, he winds up going back to her room after the case wraps up…

BTW – This will be around four chapters long or so.

Enjoy!

Jackie

FF Title: I Would
Author:
Jackie (Radiorox)
Summary: Aboard the Guadalcanal, Harm tells Mac what he would give up, triggering a needed conversation and resolution to their relationship. H/M Shipper story!

Chapter 1 – A Clean Break (Mac's POV)

I haven't really noticed how truly horrible the mattress was until just this moment. There are lumps that I'm fairly sure weren't there when I woke up this morning. Maybe it's me and the current mood I am in?

My brain is a mess, a jumbled mess and all I seek is the refuge of dreamless sleep. I came out here, to the middle of the Indian Ocean, filling a billet that will likely be a step back in my career, in order to find myself again. Was I running? You bet! After all, that's what I do best - run when things get too intense. It's a trait that I probably picked up from my mother. It's a lame excuse, I know.

For all intents and purposes, I'm a lousy Marine. We're supposed to be the first to fight and yet, when it comes to matters of the heart, that's the last thing I care to do; especially when the object of my desires is somewhere on this ship. How is it that this place felt so damned big until Harm arrived? Now it's claustrophobic knowing that we could bump into eachother at any given moment - and we have, which is why I'm now hiding from him. Thankfully, in an hours time he's scheduled to fly off the ship and I won't have to see him for months to come.

"Damnit." I curse and punch my pillow a few times, trying to level out the lumps that hadn't bothered me until now.

The nerve of that man coming all of the way out here just to 'talk' when that's the very last thing I want to do. "What a jerk!" We've tried talking and that tends to lead us nowhere. I've tried telling him how I felt and he just left me standing there, feeling like a total idiot in Sydney Harbor. When I decide to show affections to another man, one who actually wanted me, Harm has the gall to play the jealousy game and kiss me senseless on the night of my engagement party. He was so hot and cold that I have permanent whiplash.

To top that all off, he decides to dump that damned Tomcat and down my chances of ever having a stable life. Okay, so the dissolution of my relationship with Mic was hardly Harm's fault. He had stayed out of my business; save for some snide remarks and a few looks that stated he wasn't pleased. What did he expect, anyway? That I would stay single until he saw it fit to give me a chance? That I stay single while he dated other women? While our relationship was a bit rocky when he returned from his second shot at flying, I didn't believe it was in such disrepair until his interests were piqued by a certain blond.

To be fair, Renee wasn't all that bad, she just wasn't for him. As a video director, she had a keen sense of fashion and a Hollywood attitude. Unfortunately, that combination meant using Harm as an accessory more than a boyfriend. While I do believe that she genuinely cared for him, the woman was crazy to think that she could tame him by insulting his profession. I could never understand someone – anyone – who marries a service member only to harbor disdain for the military. Renee had a habit of seeing the Navy as nothing more than a hobby instead of a true profession. Harm knew this, he had to, which is why he steered away from any conversation about the military the few times that Renee and I shared the same airspace. Still, that is the woman whom he chose to be with and I often wonder if he was really interested in her or if he was just tried of being alone.

I do realize that it was unfair of me to feel upset that he was tending to her when I also needed a shoulder to cry on. Renee's father had died and I can't fault Harm at wanting to weather that storm with her. My anger was more towards the Universe itself and its most inopportune moment to throw such a wrench into things. In the time that it took me to drive to his apartment from the airport, I felt my spirits lift. It seemed as if we had a shot after all. And then the rug was pulled out from beneath me and I couldn't take it anymore – the stares, the questions at work and especially not the many calls from Harm wondering if I was alright while he comforted his girlfriend. To this day I still feel the cold rain drenching me as I stared up at his window. I had never felt so vulnerable until that very moment. I'd wished the rain fall harder so that it could sweep me up and help me drown.

Grabbing the pillow I fling it across the tiny room and lay back down with a huff. I hear the ticking of my watch and though the noise is usually tiny, it's driving me absolutely insane. When I finally allow myself to relax, a knock on the hatch startles me. "Colonel, may I speak with you?" I groan, turn to the side and pretend I didn't hear Harm's voice. His knock, however, is more instant this time and his voice climbs a few decibels.

The man is infuriating, annoying and would embarrass me just to make a point. Rather than risk any scuttlebutt, I climb out of rack, button up my BDU pants and tuck in my t-shirt. I open the door and stand there, in sock clad feet staring at Harm with a look that could kill. At least, I hope that's how it came across because, at the moment, I really could kill him. "Don't you have a helo to catch, Commander?" I try my best authoritarian voice and consider pulling rank until I see that look in his eyes.

"Harm? I something wrong?" He looks miserable, something that I have only seen in the few moments when he's been at his weakest. It's not a look that he shares often and my want to kill him dissipates as he steps into the cramped space. "Did something happen?"

He sighs deeply, as if the weight of the world were on his shoulders. "I would."

"You would?" What the hell is that supposed to mean? "You would, what?"

He's fumbling with his cover, shaking his head as if disagreeing with an internal conversation. "Earlier, you left before I got a chance to answer. . .Well, I'm answering now: I would. . .I would give up Renee and a helluva lot of things to have you."

His words barrel into me and I suddenly feel winded, as if I'd been punched. I had turned away before he'd answered but my patience has been lacking as of late. I am tired of waiting on him, tired of reaching for something that would never be mine. "What things?" I ask, needing validation. Things with Harm are too complicated and I am sick of the double entendres and innuendos.

"What do you want me to give up?" He asks, but I'm not in the mood to play that game and suggest things that would eventually come back to haunt me.

Sighing, I step back and close the hatch, leaving us to a private conversation that I'm not really interested in having. "Harm, I wasn't asking you to give up anything. . . I'm not sure why I said that, any of that." I think I've reached my melting point and feel like a fool for being so needy around him. "This between us isn't meant to be explored." I say, trying to hammer the final nail into any intimate relationship that we may have. "Chock it up to the right people at the wrong time with too much emotional baggage." Now, if I could only force myself to believe that. The timing for us could have been better but it is less about the timing and more about the missed opportunities that we've offered each other. The only thing standing in the way of a fruitful relationship is ourselves. "Let's just make a clean break and salvage what's left of our friendship." I've resigned to taking Harm anyway I can get him even if it means living with this pain in my heart.

"I don't want a clean break, Mac. . .I want you." He replies. Before I get a chance to argue, his lips fall on mine and Harm is kissing me as if my mouth can lead him towards salvation.

TO BE CONTINUED...