Dark, cold... this is all I feel. Within this blind dreamscape, all that appears to me is the fruits of regret, ripened over my years. Every day I ponder the meaning of it all, forced to conclude that there is none. I hate this. I hate it so. I only ever wanted to be happy. This is why I departed from my Father's - from Zouken's - ways, meaning to live as a normal human being. To be happy. What had gone wrong? Why had I never achieved my dreams? Why has Tohsaka, that insufferable bastard whose only distinction from Zouken is his age, been blessed with everything I've ever wanted? The fucking stuck-up "aristocrat" couldn't care less about his family. His beautiful wife, his adoring daughters. Pitting them against one another is stupid and could never bring either of them happiness. Can't he see that they only want to live happy lives, playing together in the park as their mother smiles at them from afar? Where is the humanity in such a person?
I'm nothing like that. I could never be like him. As far as I'm concerned, such a person is the epitome of evil; he pretends to this great code of honour and morality, claiming that everything he does is for the "glory of Magic" and for the "wellbeing of his offspring;" but what the hell does he know about the wellbeing of his offspring? Sending Sakura to be violated day after day by the worst things my - Zouken - could possibly conjure up, forcing dear sweet Rin to lose her only sister and even to forget that she ever existed, making Aoi play the part of dutiful wife when I know she would rather be doing anything but... How could anyone be happy like this? How could anyone achieve their dreams, or rest in tranquility at the end of their lives, when their whole life is nothing but the suffering imposed on them for such useless reasons? The Root. Who cares about the fucking Root? All these Mages running around their whole lives, searching for something that probably doesn't even exist, and even if they do find it, then what? Nobody knows what it is, or what it would even do for them. And yet they sacrifice everything, even a life of pure bliss, just for it? What godawful bastards, what idiots, what complete and utter fools.
I hate them.
I once had it all myself. I once lived as the heir to one of the three great Magical Families of the Grail; the Matou. And I went through everything that that entailed. And you know what? I was sick of it. All my life, I suffered with only one purpose: To eventually win the Holy Grail. Summon the hole to the supernal; complete the Third Magic. The Heaven's Feel. And for a while I went along with it. I suffered like I was supposed to, partly out of filial obedience to Zouken, partly out of the idea that someday my suffering might be rewarded with this legendary artifact. But the longer I went on like that, the more I began to feel that the whole thing was nothing more than a sham. Yes... It was all lies, all from the very beginning. It's so easy to see now. Zouken never cared about me, and I'm not even entirely sure he wanted the Grail, so much as he wanted to see me suffer. This sick man enjoyed the suffering of his own son. I can hear now his cackles of laughter as I lay in the pile of worms in that accursed basement, kept alive only by the slim hope that through what I was doing, Sakura might be saved some element of pain. But when it really comes down to it, who's to say that there was even anything left of her to experience that pain? The girl I saw that day was not Sakura; it looked like her, it spoke with her voice, but simply seeing the vacant expression in her eyes was enough to convince me that whatever had been done to her, whatever she had gone through, it had sapped her of everything she once was.
Why did I even go through with it, then? I don't know. Maybe I only did it to prove to Zouken that I could. Maybe some part of me, some stupid part of me, still craves his approval and respect. Even though I know now more than ever who he really is, and by all rights should actually despise him too much to care, it still satisfies something in me to know that I survived a year of the worms. I surpassed his expectations; I made him feel at a loss, not knowing who he was truly dealing with. Yes, that's right, old man. You underestimated me. Hah! See if I even give you the Grail, when I win; you certainly don't think I can do that either, but I'll prove you wrong. I will. No matter what it takes, I will. Even if Sakura will never be the same again, and even if Aoi-san will always continue in her brainwashed state as dutiful wife and mother, and even if Rin never really can undo the damage to her sisterly relationship; even if I can never save them all from their own personal Zouken, pulling their strings... I know that I will win the Grail. And when I do, goddamn it if I'm going to give it to Zouken just so he can keep his fetid corpse of a body alive a little longer. I know that there's no way he would ever honour the deal we made, to free Sakura. And I know that even if he did, he'd probably kill me for the fun of it... Ah, but it'd be worth it, no? Well, maybe. But I have a better idea.
I will win the Holy Grail, and I shall use its power to destroy this disgusting, evil world of Mages from the ground up. Oh, I know exactly what it is. I know that it's nothing more than a cursed fake, that can only bring sorrow, despair, and destruction. And that's exactly what I want. I shall use it to purge this world of the rotten cancer that is Magecraft in all its forms, so that never again will anyone have to suffer like me, or like Aoi-san, or Sakura, or Rin; we will all be freed from these eternal shackles that have bound us. We will once again walk easily in the sunlight, loving the world around us. We will share our slightest joys and sorrows, all united in simple happiness. I can't wait to see the faces, their faces, contorted in pain and anguish as they see everything they had built up, all those lies for the sake of "Truth," come crumbling down around them. Yes, Zouken. You will know what it's like to suffer as I have; and I know that the greatest suffering of all to you would be seeing me happy.
So that, is exactly what I will do.
The screams call me out, calling me out from myself. They promise solace, and redemption. They promise love.
Zouken - Father, won't you scream for me?
Erm... I just wrote this in like less than an hour so it's not really polished at all I'm afraid, but sometimes one is just seized by the Muse and has to put the words down, no matter what. In fact, I think short character studies are the ideal form of such ad hoc writing. Least for me, anyway.
So... Kariya. Biggest tragedy of Fate/Zero IMO. Poor sweet dude. I mean he's by no means perfect (cf. the church scene with Mr and Mrs Tohsaka), but in a sense it's just a real pity that he turned out that way. Zouken was right, you know. He is essentially rotten, and every day he just deteriorates further. Perhaps that is simply the nature of the Matou clan? Shinji's not much better, after all. Dunno about Shinji's dad, Byakuya, though I wonder if he's not just an adult Shinji...
Adult Shinji. Now there's a scary thought if there ever was one, eh?
Anyway, thanks for reading! If you have any feedback, please feel free; otherwise, have a nice day!
