Unwavering
I have loved her from afar - in agony and in silence - each second even more painful than the last. Every time I turn around, it's her face that I imagine seeing, her voice that I hear in my dreams, and her name at the tip of my tongue.
The hardest thing I've ever done for love is be contented with only the memories of her to fill the gaps in my life- to have had to fight the urge to go to her and beg, and cry, and despair.
I bitterly regret the moment I drove her away from me. I regret that moment of anger and humiliation that tore us apart. I regret not knowing the magnitude of the word that I have so stupidly said. That one word that tore my heart, and my life, apart.
However, I do not understand. I do not understand that what has hurt me the most, was the moment she had lost faith in me.
"Does practicing the Dark Arts make me an evil person? Does socializing with Death Eaters make me become evil like them?" I often thought to myself after that wretched night when she cast me aside. "When I practice the Dark Arts, I do not do it with hateful intentions. When I am with Mulciber, and Avery, the only thing that fills my mind is the magnificence of magic - of all the the great feats that we could accomplish." That was the truth that I knew. The only truth that made me stand by the thing she so greatly condemned. The truth - that I never once have used it to harm others - never - not even James Potter.
"Sectumsempra - for enemies"
The spell that I always thought about using against Potter - during the times when he humiliated me, when he treated me as if I was less than filth, when he trampled over me as if I was scum, when he took the only woman that I have loved, and will ever love, away from me.
However, no matter how much I dispised him, no matter how much I wanted him gone, I could never bring myself to cast that spell. That has never been me, nor will it ever be. I will never be as evil as they think me to be.
I will let them drag my worth and my pride. I will let them think the worst of me. I will let them treat me with disdain and with disgust. I will let them do it while knowing, and keeping the truth to myself.
I will never be the person that she thinks me to be - the heartless, evil man that she thought I was, even until the last moments of her life.
I have let her dispise me. I have let her shut me from her heart.
But I will keep her in mine.
Always, when I wake, I will think of her. Always, when in dispair, I will live for her. I will fight, I will sacrifice, and I will love - always, for her.
Always.
