I Swear: A Brokeback Mountain Fanfiction

Jack and Ennis

Chapter One: Can't Fix it, Can't Stand it.


Author's note:

The story starts right when Ennis collapses into Jack's arms at their final meeting, after Jack delivers his famous line of 'I wish I knew how to quit you.' Enjoy and leave some reviews. New chapters will be posted weekly.

- Ramenmustachio xx


May 18, 1983

"I can't stand this anymore Jack!" Ennis breathed out between sobs. His dark haired lover had his strong and comforting arms wrapped around him, crushing Ennis to his chest as he heaved.

"Damn you Ennis, damn you." Jack muttered the statement quietly, like a mantra or a prayer, his warm and comforting breath tickling Ennis' ear. When Ennis had to time to reflect back on the statement, he realized those words were all that stopped Jack from sobbing right there with him.

"Ennis, I ain't quittin' on ya. Cut out yer bawlin' so we can have a talk."

"I just can't stand this!" Ennis whimpered, pressing his face into Jack's left shoulder, his nose detecting hints of his familiar scent.

"Sshh cowboy. Enough. We gotta talk 'bout this." Jack said softly, his voice more calm and firm.

Ennis pulled back slightly, his cheeks were ruddy and his nose was dripping like a faucet. The tears in his eyes danced dangerously close to the edges, waiting to spill over. He drew in a few quick and calculated breaths, trying to compose himself.

"Bud, we should move. My ass is sore from supportin' you." Jack smiled up at him, his eyes filled with a strange sense of hope.

Maybe now that he can't stand it, we can finally fix it! He thought optimistically, hoping that they would never need to part again after today.

Jack's tan and calloused hand was grasped by Ennis' and the two cowboys walked over to Jack's truck.

"Get in for a tic, so we can talk this through." Jack said quietly, afraid that his lover wouldn't comply.

"Jack… I gotta get back. I need a roof o'er my head. Those fuckin' ranch hands will rat me out if I'm late." Ennis snapped, his anger flaring again. He couldn't stand to be angry with Jack anymore, but he could be angry at his circumstances in life.

"Bud, I can sport you the cash, if you need it. But we ain't leavin' until we talk this here situation through. Don't fuckin' treat me like some shit on your shoe." Jack retaliated, gentle at first and biting by the time he concluded.

Ennis Del Mar, don't fuckin' play this game with me.

"I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKIN' MONEY!" Ennis erupted, his rage and sorrow blasting Jack as the words stepped across the threshold of his tongue.

Jack looked at Ennis with absolute heartbreak. He couldn't believe that this might be the end.

"I'm sorry Jack, but you can't just 'spect me to take your money like some cheap whore. I ain't no woman and I certainly ain't no whore. But we both know that you got no qualms 'bout payin' for… people." Ennis' tone was deathly quiet as he spoke; his emotions were so conflicting.

Jack snapped-Ennis' mood swings were too much for him.

"FUCK YOU ENNIS. We coulda had a real sweet life, like I said 'fore all this sobbin' started. But you ruined that for me. You say that you ain't queer, and maybe you ain't. But I sure as hell am. I can't just sit around waiting for the six months before I see you again. I ache for you, for your touch, your kiss… I need you. I need… love." Jack now was crying, his angry rant had turned sad within seconds, and his melancholy was filling up his heart.

"Jack…" Ennis was dumbfounded.

Jack ain't queer. He's like me. He just don't know what this thing is…

"Lemme finish. I gotta get this out." Jack admonished, turning a resigned stare towards his lover.

I hope this don't freak him out… fuck it, I need to tell him.

"I love you, Ennis Del Mar. I always have and I always will." Jack said, clear as day and looking at Ennis out of the corner of his eye.

Ennis' jaw dropped, and he did something he promised Jack he would never do again-he punched him right between the eyes.


May 20th, 1983

Jack was sitting glumly in his old leather recliner. He had had a large supper with Lureen and Bobby, accompanied by several beers. Neither his wife nor his child made a comment on his increasing dependency on alcohol. As the years ticked past, Jack needed more and more booze to get through the day without collapsing. He was drowning his need for Ennis with drink, and he didn't give a fuck if it killed him.

Might be easier if I just shot myself… he mused drunkenly. He would have to think about that later, when he was drunker. He didn't think he could deal with thoughts of Ennis right now.

The suicidal thoughts were unrelenting. He had them almost every day, and he could feel himself sinking into a deep depression. Thoughts of his daddy and his belt, flashes of every time he had been abused and neglected by his parents flew to the front of his mind every time he thought about ending his miserable life.

Ennis don't want me, not after that punch. Can't believe I grew the balls to finally tell him.

Just then, somebody knocked at the door.

"JACK! GET OFF YER ASS AND ANSWER DOOR!" Lureen called from the kitchen.

Jack grumbled as he accidentally kicked over his whiskey on the way to the door.

"Whad'ya want?" Jack slurred, his eyes cloudy.

"You." Ennis said, smiling down at him.