Dear Unknown,
That's what you are, right? Unknown. And not just in your gender or your body, but to the whole world. Apart from me, that is. I know I should have told Clint as soon as I found out, but I just couldn't. It took me years to finally agree to marry him, with the exception that we would never have children. I mean, how could we? There is something you should know right off the bat about your father and I. We're assassins, and two of the deadliest and most sought-after in the world. How could we raise a family whilst we were tracking down our enemies? You can't just order a babysitter and rush out of the door with the excuse that you're about to go and kill some of the world's most wanted criminals, can you?
Your father disagreed at first. He argued with me, trying to dissuade me from my decision. He said that there was a timer on how long we could stay in this profession. There are always new assassins around; the world is not short of them. Why should something that we do for ten, fifteen years determine whether we can have a family or not?
But he doesn't get it. Oh Unknown, my job isn't just my job, but it is a way of life. It is my way of life. It is all I have ever known. I'm not especially proud of my past, but it is what it is. I'm twenty-seven years old, and for the first ten years of my life, I was trained to be a Soviet spy in the heart of Russia's underground criminal industry. There's no point in denying that I wasn't trained to be evil. And although I was constantly surrounded by people, I never experienced the whole 'family aspect' of childhood. I guess Clint didn't either, but he was still raised beside his brother. They were so close, and I know he just wants to recreate the closeness of a family environment, for the both of us. But I just can't do that. I can't just drop everything I've ever known, and adopt something that is completely foreign to me.
Between you and me…this isn't the first time I have been pregnant. There were two other times before this, once with Clint, once with…someone nearly as unknown as you. The second time, when I was with Clint, I got an abortion. I couldn't handle it any better than I can now, and if I'm being honest, I don't know whether I'll have you aborted too.
The first time was with a guy I only knew as Dmitri. He was one of the Soviet's, as well as my trainer. He taught me hand-to-hand combat, so we were always very close and intimate with one another. And one day he just…took it a step further, I guess. I never said no, but I still feel as if I was forced into it. He was young and gorgeous, and I was fifteen and naïve – just an infatuated girl wanting to impress an older, more mature man. At first, I didn't regret it. But then I tested positive. At first I was ecstatic – I'd never been around young children, but I'd spent many years dreaming about the day when I would become a mother. And to bear the children of Dmitri? It felt like all my Christmas' had come at once, so to speak.
However, when I told him, he wasn't as pleased as I had thought he'd be. We shouted, we fought, and I was left with bruises all across my ribcage and upper arms. I was distraught and heartbroken, but I still believed that once I had had the baby – our baby – he would come around. Mothers bonded to their baby as soon as they found out, but fathers properly became attached when they saw the child, right
Unfortunately, I never found out. I lost the baby five months into the pregnancy. I thought I was in the clear zone, but obviously not. What made it even worse was that I'd already chosen a name for him. Your brother would have been called Filip Luka Romanova. After I lost him, I just couldn't face going through it again. How could I raise another child, when my first one was nothing but a corpse in my womb, and some blood on my sheets?
Natasha
