I, of course, do not own any of the characters portrayed in this story. All of the characters are the property of Stephanie Meyer
ANY feedback would be greatly appreciated!
PLEASE REVIEW!!
Juliet: O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon, who monthly changes in her circled orb, lest that thy love prove likewise variable.
Romeo: What shall I swear by?
Juliet: Do not swear at all. Or, if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self, which is the god of my idolatry, and I'll believe thee.
(Chapter 3 in 'New Moon')
1. The End
I was acutely aware of the overwhelming revulsion threatening to tear me in half.
It was all I could manage to remain upright, but the agony was so intense that I could feel a fault line forming through my chest, making it very difficult to breathe.
To solve the problem, I simply stopped breathing.
It was no help.
I fought to keep a calm exterior, though my hands still clenched into fists on their own accord, possessed by a torment that reminded me wildly of what Jane was capable of. It seemed useless to fight against pain so strong that I was locked in place, though my heart was trying its very best to claw its way from my –impossibly-- still intact frame.
"Goodbye, Bella."
I had been rehearsing this line for so long, dreading the moments after it with a devouring fervor for so many days…That I couldn't help the calm, cool tone with which it escaped my constricted throat.
The gig was up, then.
There was no way Bella would be fooled by a line that seemed as impossibly rehearsed as that…But the dawning comprehension on her face proved otherwise.
She reached for me, her searching hands the only escape I had ever known
I hastily looked away, so that she wouldn't be able to read my expression.
The fact that I had managed to say the words at all only enhanced the nightmarish quality of this moment. There was a shift in the air as the lie registered with her. Her heart sputtered frantically, her breathing spiked and hitched as it choked in her throat. "Wait!" Her voice came strangled, cracked and dry.
That in itself nearly set me back on my promise – the one where I had promised to keep Bella safe, under any means.
Including this.
The pain in her voice, the agony apparent in her quickly deteriorating posture, the unbearable knowledge that I myself had caused her anguish had me reaching back for her before I had consciously realized what I was doing. Bella's pain was mine. My every instinct, everything I had ever known, reached forth in my arms to comfort her as surely as hers reached out, willing to be comforted.
'Eyes, look your last! Arms, take your last embrace!'...'Is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn.'
Hastily I changed the intent of my movement, as there was no way to ignore that there had been an instinctive movement at this point. I gently moved her arms to her sides, trying to keep the movement firm. Ever particle of my being knew that I was refusing salvation, paradise, my last chance for a happily ever after. But she was the princess, and I the monster.
There was no place in her world for me.
I only allowed myself to touch her wrists rather than the sleeves of her jacket, giving me one last chance to touch her skin.
I could feel the panic, shock, hurt…Every emotion I had ever sworn to protect Bella from, every feeling that now lashed at my soul – or, now, clearly authenticated lack thereof -- as it played across her face.
Fear and inspiration hit me in the same instant, forcing one last instant of contact...Or was it my own self preservation, trying to draw out the moment in which I would truly leave Happiness? Either way, I couldn't resist one last kiss, one last taste of Heaven to guide me through an eternity in Hell.
'If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle sin is this. My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.'I pressed my lips as lightly as I could to her forehead, where I couldn't see her eyes. "Take care of yourself" I begged. Please, please God, please take care of yourself. Forget me. Live the life you so solemnly deserve. Warmth, light, and another soul with which to share them. All the things I could never give you.
But she could not understand this, I could not tell her. She had to believe, I could allow no inkling of hope or daring to remain faithful to her. I had to hurt her, I had to break her, in order to give her a chance to mend.
'Romeo, the love I bear thee can afford no better term than this: Thou art a villain.'
Like a coward, I ran.
I had to. In the name of life, in the name of love, in the name that encompassed it all: Bella.
I had already left a note for Charlie written in Bella's hand, telling him that she had gone for a walk in the forest. He would find her if she didn't return. I knew that I couldn't stay in Forks, and more importantly that I had to get as far away from her as possible before what I had done fully registered for myself. I only had so much self control, and all of my self preservation instincts would only send me back to her.
Right on cue, natural instinct kicked in.
Agony tore through me, though I had been coming to terms with what I had to do for several days.
Every cell of my body ached in protest, screamed in defiance, writhed in unbearable agony…But the time had long passed where I cared whether I myself lived or died.
Which, I knew, without Bella, I surely would. But if figurative death for me was what it took to ensure a life for her...Then there really wasn't even a choice. Of course I would take it a million times over, it was hardly fair to even suggest otherwise. The darkest recesses of the deepest levels of the fiery pits of Hades had nothing on the tortures I would endure for her.
Because I knew what I was doing was right.
The old human adage stated that to love someone was to let them go.
Couldn't she see that was what I was doing now? Part of me wanted so desperately for her to understand, but I knew how foolish it was to hope against hope at a time like this.
I wasn't meant to be a part of her world, and the time had long since passed where I had been forced to the conclusion that, one way or another, one of us would be leaving that world permanently. Better me than her. I shuddered at the thought.
Again, I had to marvel.
She had believed me.
She had actually, truly believed me.
Believed that I could possibly live without needing her.
Even after the million times I had told her I loved her! How could one word have broken her faith in me so quickly?
If I lived to be one hundred-thousand years old, no misdeed I ever committed could ever come close to being as abhorrently horrendous as that.
At least this was the last time I would ever hurt her.
The thought almost calmed me.
'Love is a familiar.
Love is a devil.
There is no evil angel but Love.'
