The Doctor was finally learning to navigate the Internet. He had been meaning to learn for decades but rebellions and imprisonments had got in his way every other time. He ripped open a bag of Cheetos and popped one into his mouth as he logged onto his computer. He quickly spat the Cheeto out, though, realising it was as stale as most of his jokes. He grabbed a fresh Cheeto and clicked on a site that claimed to contain fan fiction, wondering what people were writing about him. After he registered for his account and picked a user name, he was ready to go. The first story had the mark XXX next to it. That must mean it was especially good, the Doctor assumed. He clicked on the title and began to read.

Halfway through the second paragraph, he choked on his Cheeto. "I did Bwhat/B to Rose with my 'talented tongue'? Oh, now that's just wrong!" he screamed indignantly. "I never would!"

It was then that the Doctor realised the XXX on the story had indicated heavy pornographic content. The site banned ratings above R so without hesitation he reported the story for abuse.

Then the Doctor clicked on the next story, after making sure there was no XXX mark next to it. It was a nice, innocent G rating, which was supposed to be safe for even small children to read. He made it almost a third of the way through the story this time before he yelped, "No one would enjoy it if I did that to their nipple! Do these writers have no knowledge of anatomy?"

He clicked on the author's profile page. She was 12. "That explains a lot," said the Doctor to himself. He reported her story for abuse of the 'G' rating and instantly felt better.

He moved to the third story. The summary said it was about heavy slash. The Doctor wasn't sure what heavy slash was but it had to be better than the stories he had read so far. He was very sorry to find out that he was wrong. After he read the entire appalling thing in disbelief, he checked all the site rules and was stunned to learn that the offending story didn't seem to violate even one of them.

Still, he had to do something.

The Doctor decided to leave a review for the author. He typed, "Dear m-preg fan, I think I now understand what 'heavy slash' means. Your story is highly offensive to me. Not because it contains a male/male pairing, but because it contains a male/male pairing that revolves around a totally idiotic plot and is also incredibly out of character. Because you see, MEN CANNOT BECOME PREGNANT. I don't care that I am Gallifreyan. I CANNOT become PREGNANT. I don't WANT to become pregnant even if I could. I am also not in love with the Master and I did not beg him to impregnate me so I could enjoy the thrilling experience of carrying his twins. While I admit the Master might impregnate me (if such were possible, which it is NOT) as revenge or a bad joke, he would never call me 'Snookums' and say I was like home to him and cry great sad tears on my shoulder every night because he regretted his evil deeds.

"This is the worst story I have read so far and that's saying something. I hate it. I hate your writing. I hate your misspellings. I hate your bad grammar. I hate your horrible plot. I hate your author profile. I hate your user name. I hate everything about you!!!!!!!!

"P.S Besides, I am ASEXUAL. Get a dictionary and look it up, if you are literate enough to do such a thing."

Before he could re-think his decision, the Doctor pressed the submit button and posted the review. Then he logged off the Internet.

By the evening, he had decided to return to the fanfic site. It must have some good stories or it wouldn't still be in business.

He went to log into his account and received repeated error messages. In great frustration, the Doctor finally selected the 'help' button and went to his email address to await the aid.

An email from site admin was already there.

'Dear TenthDoctor,' it read. 'Your account on fanfikshun has been deleted because of your abuse of the system. Flames are not allowed.
Sincerely,
Fanfikshun Abuse Team'

The Doctor stared at the message. "What's a flame?" he asked himself.

tbc