Welcome to the second installment of Alternate DBZ! This is the Frieza saga. Truth be told, I've only seen parts of the Frieza saga like the fighting scenes. Forgive me if it's not correct in some parts.
"Good morning mister sun!" said Goku as he smiled up at the sun shining above him. Even though he was stuck in the hospital with Krillin and Gohan, at least he had Raditz and his tummy full of babies. They had just found out Raditz was having quintuplets. Lucky him.
"Shut you buffoon!" Raditz was sitting beside him with his brother/husband and was already six months pregnant.
"I know you don't mean that because that's just the pregnancy talking!" Goku said cheerfully.
"…ANYWAYS…what are you going to do about your wife?" when Goku opened his mouth, Raditz said, "The OTHER one!"
"Oh her…" Goku sighed.
"She must be a real pain in the ass for you not to say anything back."
"Just think of what she'll do to you when she sees what happened to Gohan!" pointed out Krillin.
"HOLY SHIT! I FORGOT ABOUT THAT!" Goku whined.
"Unless she's like the strongest being ever, she can't hurt you Kakarrot." Raditz rolled his eyes.
"But she has a frying pan…" Goku saw how annoyed Raditz was. "Uh…and it hurts?"
"Kakarrot it's sad how you let a woman that's probably weaker than you run you like that!"
"But!"
"There's no but in it, Kakarrot! I'm your…" Raditz sighed and grunted. "…wife…now and if anybody's gonna boss you around, it's me!"
"You…you…you do love me!" Goku smiled and tried to jump up and hug his brother, but the bandages and other materials kept him from doing so.
"Dad, you need to stay put!" said Gohan shaking his head as his father sat back in defeat.
"But I need to stay animated at all times or I'll get bored!" whined Goku.
"Listen to Gohan, Goku. The more you stay still, the faster you'll heal!" said Krillin trying to be cheerful.
"And the faster Chichi can beat me over the head with a frying pan…" Goku sighed.
"Excuse me, but you three have more visitors!" said the nurse.
"Oh no, I hope it's not Chichi!" Krillin hid under the covers.
"Hey guys!" it was Bulma and Master Roshi.
"Oh it's just you guys!" said Krillin relieved.
"Has Chichi come yet?" asked Master Roshi peeking from around the doorway. If Chichi was there, he didn't want to get in the way.
"Thankfully no!" Gohan said. "I'll suspect she'll bite dad's head off when she does."
"I'd hate to be you when she does Goku." Bulma sighed.
"I'm not afraid of that old witch!" Goku said prideful.
"Mr. Son, your wife is coming to see you in five minutes." the nurse announced.
"AAAAAAHHHHH! HIDE ME! HIDE ME!" Goku pulled on Raditz's arm.
"…" Raditz rolled his eyes.
"I'm here!" Chichi burst into the room and flung herself onto Gohan and started to cry her eyes out. "Oh my poor little boy! Who did this to you?"
"Well at least he's alive!" the Ox King said cheerfully.
'At least she can't see me!' thought Goku.
"Goku!" she then flung her arms around him.
'SHIT!' Goku screamed in his mind.
"Goku, I'm so glad you're alright! I was so worried! Are you hurt badly?"
"Get off me you nutcase!" Goku tried to shake her off, but couldn't because he was too weak to do anything at the time.
Raditz just watched in amusement while his babies seemed to like the sounds of their father struggling, because they were kicking and moving around a lot. When Chichi had stopped hugging her husband with affection, she stopped smiling and slapped him.
"HOW DARE YOU GET YOURSELF KILLED? I HAD TO LIVE ALONE AS A WIDOW WHILE OUR SON WAS TAKING BY SOME GREEN VILLIAN!" as Chichi continued to bitch, Goku had enough and blurted out,
"I KNOCKED UP AND MARRIED MY BROTHER!"
Everyone got silent.
"Huh?" said Master Roshi.
"…" Raditz blushed as everyone looked at him.
"You…you married him?" Chichi stared at Raditz. "…and you said you got him pregnant…"
"…" Raditz looked at Goku.
"Well yes. Yes I did." Goku said calmly.
"Why would you do that?! I'm your wife! You're married to me, not HIM!" Chichi was angry (duh). "If you're gonna cheat on me and marry someone else, especially a man, at least marry someone that has manageable hair and doesn't look like a goddamned cartoon character!"
"Fuck you!" was Raditz only comment.
"Who are you gonna pick? Me or him?" Chichi put her hands on her hips.
"Anybody, BUT you!"
"I cannot believe this!" Chichi looked as if she would catch on fire at any moment. "My own husband picks someone he barely knows over his own wife! You know what Goku? I don't even care! You can STAY married to that…that…PIG WITH HAIR…all you like! I can catch a man faster than you caught him! Just look at how fast I got you!"
"Actually you made me keep a promise I didn't even know it was about. And to add on to the list, if I can recall, I only knew you for, what? 15 minutes? Then years later, we meet again and I didn't even know you!"
"…" Chichi crossed her arms and sat down next to Gohan. "Well at least my son still loves me."
"Uh…anyways…" said Bulma wanting the awkwardness to pass over. "So how are we going to wish back the others with Piccolo gone?"
"Oh yeah!" said Krillin slapping his forehead. "We can wish them back with the Namekian balls!"
"Great! So where are they?"
"On Kami's old home planet…Namek."
"Wait. In space?" said Bulma stupidly.
"No Bulma…in New York…DUH YOU ANNOYING BITCH!" Goku rolled his eyes.
"Goku! It's good to see you again!"
"Who was that?"
"It is I! Mr. Popo!"
Sure enough it was the loveable genie Mr. Popo (not the ugly blue one)!
"Hey Mr. Popo!" greeted Goku.
"I just wanted to drop by and make sure you were ok."
"Yeah, I'm totally fi-hey wait a second…how are you doing that?"
"Doing what?"
"FLOATING OUTSIDE!" Goku thought for a second. "ARE YOU FLYING?!"
"Uh…no…I'm on my magic carpet." Mr. Popo flew up a little to show his carpet.
"OH MY FLIPPIN' GOSH! I wanna ride! I wanna ride!"
"Goku you need to heal first." aid Mr. Popo.
"Fine…" Goku pouted.
"I just thought of something!" Bulma said out of the blue as the TV showed a live video footage of a saiyan ship (most likely Raditz's).
"What?" asked Krillin.
"I've got the remote to one of the crashed saiyan ships!" Bulma pulled it out.
"Wow how did you get that?" Gohan asked.
"Easy! I used Raditz's scouter to connect the…"
"Who cares!? Just push the damn button!" Goku yelled.
"Fine! Geez!" Bulma pressed it.
"And so we figured that any sudden interruption of the wireless commutation of…" suddenly the spaceship exploded sending thousands of tiny objects everywhere. The screen then proceeded to show a cheesy commercial about cheese (no pun intended).
"EPIC FAIL!" said Master Roshi.
"Oh shut it Roshi!" snapped Bulma. "Do you know how long I worked on that thing?"
"Five minutes for it to fail like that." said Krillin.
"Oh shut up you! Now how are we getting to Namek?"
"You could always take Kami's old ship." suggested Mr. Popo.
"Really? You'd let us borrow it?" said Bulma excited.
"Sure, but I'm afraid it's located on the other side of the planet and needs a bit of fixing up."
"No problem with me!" said Bulma. "So how are we getting there?"
"Easy…on my magic carpet of course!"
"Uh…" Bulma looked nervously at Mr. Popo's magic carpet. "Isn't there another way?"
"I suppose we could take an aircar, but a magic carpet would faster."
"Uh…uh…" Bulma was shaking.
"Just go with Mr. Popo, you whore!" Goku said annoyed.
"Um…but doesn't anyone else wanna go?"
"Nope!" said everyone.
"Fine…I-I guess I'll go…Mr. Popo…if I fall, will you catch me?"
"Sure I will Bulma. You won't have to worry about falling though. The ride will be over in seconds."
"O-ok!" Bulma nervously stepped onto the carpet and off they went.
"I hope to god she falls." said Goku.
Sorry if this chapter isn't as funny as you thought it would be, but it gets better!
