The Day That The SGC Went MAD!
Pairings: Sam/Jack… possibly in a very twisted form. If anyone is interested I am a big SJ shipper, even if it won't appear that way throughout this 'story'.
Summary: Daniel with no caffeine, Jack with no Simpson's, Teal'c with a pimple, Sam with PMS and more… oh and Apophis makes a re-emergence into the world of the SGC.
Disclaimer: Yes well… if I owned this would I demoralize characters in this way? Most likely yes… but that's not the point.
Okay this was born from many insane msn conversations and too many English lessons where I should've been completing important work for impending assessments, but instead was hit with the inspiration for this story. I guess this is finally the illogical, non-plot story (I use the term very loosely) that I talked about in my bio.
It started just like any other day, well as normal as they come for an extraterrestrial with a parasitical being named 'junior', two 'false' gods (depending on whom you talked to), and 5 Homo sapiens.
And yet it was apparent very soon after waking up for all of them that their plans of; universe domination, endeavouring to discover new ways of using the word 'Indeed', absorbing caffeine straight to the bloodstream, economising the dial up process to stop pesky goa'uld's dialling in faster, managing to poke as many people as possible with needle's in a day, learning to avoid paperwork successfully to watch the Simpson's, and to lower the increasing high risk of a heart attack due sg1's tendency to get themselves into life threatening situations regularly, were never going to be completed, well at least not that day anyway.
In true fighting form Major Samantha Carter had pulled an all nighter, and as a result she had fallen asleep with her head on a Petri dish containing a sample of naquadah, because that was what she did in her spare time, study extraterrestrial minerals. However this wasn't the issue, the issue was that she now had an extremely large round, red indent on her forehead. It didn't even look like a good indent seeing as it wasn't in the centre of her brow; but to the left so that it looked utterly ridiculous.
She hadn't noticed this of course, because a sudden feeling as if she was being attacked by several painsticks at once in the abdomen, announced a new problem to add to her growing list of aliments. Yes, the unthinkable had happened to the beautiful, confident and self assured Major in the US Air force, she had gotten her period during the middle of the night, bled through her pants and the Sg1 change rooms were 3 floors away, with an unimaginable number of SF's and SGC personal, not to mention security camera's taping 24/7 between her lab and the change room.
During the time that Sam was planning her recon down the SGC halls with the aim to be seen the least amount of times, Teal'c was just arising from his state Keel'no'reem. To fasten his return from his heightened state of perception he ran his large, strong Jaffa hands over his visage. This morning though, he didn't need this particular method of returning to reality as he felt a lump just under the right corner of his lips. In his panic to find a reflective surface, he forgot proper Jaffa protocol to keep a stoic, calculating profile at all times.
Seeing as he endeavoured to keep his room as simple as possible, without the cluttered, or 'ordered mess' if you like, complications created via excessive accumulation of unneeded furniture in his already small room. He naturally didn't have a mirror, or a reflective substitute contained within his lodgings.
With sudden impending clarity, he become conscious that the only mirror within the immediate vicinity, was in fact within the Sg1 change room one floor down.
It was at this precise moment that Colonial Jack O'Neill (with two L's thank you very much, the one with one L has no sense of humour) came too. He had of course fallen into a drunken euphoria the night before, at the tragic, heart-rending news that Fox was currently debating whether to continue showing The Simpson's. This morning however, would've been a whole new kettle of fish if he had been a cliché resorting kind of guy. He was not such a man, so he would settle for the words deluding himself, that no such thing was announced on the News last night.
Still even without the inconceivable tragedy of The Simpson's being cancelled, there was still the irritatingly sunny… sunlight hurting his retina, and the offending headache pounding away like little marching men in his brain. Still the more immediate problem to get past was his current predicament as a tangle of limbs, face down on the floor, with stiff, sore and aching knees. It is possible to theorise that he began on the lounge the previous night, or early morning (remember though, time is relative), but regardless of how he came to be on the floor, the result is that he, in his current pre caffeinated state, was going to have some major issues with getting up.
But to move on from Jack's current state or affairs, we shall go back in time to about 15 minutes ago (again time is relative) to when Dr. Daniel Jackson opened his startling perfect blue eyes, and grumbled incoherently. The resident linguist of the SGC, the speaker of at least 27 different languages, was currently inept at stringing together anything coherent or fluent in any language, due to his current lack of anything remotely resembling coffee.
He reached out blindly, fumbling around, somewhat akin to how a foal readied itself to get up for the first time. After seemly searching without a purpose for possibly for a few minutes (or perhaps eons to Daniel as time is relative and he had no coffee), he found what I was he searched desperately for.
"Ah ha!" he muttered as his clumsy fingers found their target, and no it was not his glasses. It was the button of an intercom which he had eloquently baffled General Hammond into allowing him have installed, being a linguist and a way with words had its use's. Actually General Hammond to this day still didn't know why exactly Daniel needed a direct line to the Commissary but allowed him to have it anyway.
After pressing the button in triumph, Daniel's shell waited impatiently for a reply. After waiting what seemed like years, which in reality was only a few seconds, a somewhat annoyed, but still curt, reply made its way to the archaeologist's ears.
"Dr Jackson; the answer is still the same as has been for the last 6 mornings. By order of General Hammond I am not permitted to allow you to drink Coffee, Tea or any other form of caffeinated beverage. Please do not ask me again, it is out of my hands."
This brought him out of his sleepy stupor. No coffee was a blasphemy to his way of life, no caffeinated beverage in general just added salt to an already festering wound. Still he, being the educated man that he was, found a new savour in Nestle and more importantly their production of Guarana Bars two days ago. It was not a beverage, and therefore not contraband, however he had a hidden stash of them within his locker in the Sg1 change room. It was not that he was going against the General's order; he just didn't want to bring it to anyone's attention that he had found a way around the enforced ban. It was in that instant, with a flash of inspiration; he resolved to go to the Sg1 locker room to get his fix.
Suddenly feeling as if he could sing and dance, he preceded to do so as he made his way to the elevator. To an observer it would appear that he had gone mad, and to be honest, they wouldn't be far off, but then that would imply that he was sane to begin with.
And so this was how the day begun for the esteemed sg1. The day however had not begun yet for either G. Hammond, Dr Frasier (the last two Homo sapiens) or either of the two 'false' God's (depending once again to whom you spoke to). All four of which had either issues with alarm clocks or simply being within a different time frame.
Right, well, I can normally tell whether I like a story or not, but to be honest I am unsure as to what this belongs to. The acknowledgment of being posted or the recycle bin. Still if you like this, ill attempt at humour (yes I know it's not the Haha or lmao kind), then please review. I think I will even allow flames over this because as I said, I am unsure whether this is good or not.
Still, I will continue with this if you want me too, I do have some ideas… the ones which I am actually writing this for haven't made a guest appearance yet.
