Vignette

VIGNETTE

An Evangelion Fanfic

By Melissa Smith (writing4ever@aol.com)

SUMMARY: Shinji reflects on lost love, and his struggle trying to let go of the past.

*****

I hate my memories.

I hate them because they won't let me go, won't let me move on with my life.

Hardly a moment goes by when I don't think of him. Yes, I know he's gone now, and yes, I know nothing will bring him back, and yes, I know I am responsible for it all.

But the memories continue to plague me.

It was strange I should feel this way for someone after years of being as quiet and withdrawn as I was. But when he told me he loved me, I felt something inside of me spark. Without realizing what I was doing, I had opened myself up to trust him. I'd never done that before. I don't know how or why but I knew deep within me that I loved him, too. When I looked into his deep, beautiful eyes, it was like I was under his spell. Like I had no choice but to lose myself in his gaze and to trust him. He was the only one.

Which is why it hurt so much when I learned he was different from what I had originally thought. And when I confronted him, tried to stop him, he offered me the last thing he had left: his own life, his own existence. He begged me to destroy him. I remember the way he looked at me right before he died. His eyes were hopeful as he looked into my soul. Hopeful for my future. I almost cried out, seeing the love that burned there. Love for me. And what did I do? I killed him, in the worst possible way I could have. I know he suffered terribly. And as he took his final breath, with tears streaming down my face, I whispered those three words I'd been so afraid to tell him. And I know he didn't hear.

I dreamt of him last night, just like every night since his death. I see his face when I look at the stars. I remember his eyes, so full of love. I see his blood as it drips slowly to the ground. And every night I scream to the sky words of my love for him.

My memories... they will never let me go.