An Evangelion Fanfic
By
Melissa Smith (writing4ever@aol.com)
SUMMARY: Shinji reflects on lost love, and his struggle
trying to let go of the past.
*****
I hate my memories.
I hate them because they won't
let me go, won't let me move on with my life.
Hardly a moment goes by when I
don't think of him. Yes, I know he's gone now, and yes, I know nothing
will bring him back, and yes, I know I am responsible for it all.
But the memories continue to
plague me.
It was strange I should feel
this way for someone after years of being as quiet and withdrawn as I
was. But when he told me he loved me, I felt something inside of me
spark. Without realizing what I was doing, I had opened myself up to
trust him. I'd never done that before. I don't know how or why but
I knew deep within me that I loved him, too. When I looked into his deep,
beautiful eyes, it was like I was under his spell. Like I had no choice
but to lose myself in his gaze and to trust him. He was the only one.
Which is why it hurt so much
when I learned he was different from what I had originally thought. And
when I confronted him, tried to stop him, he offered me the last thing he had
left: his own life, his own existence. He begged me to destroy him.
I remember the way he looked at me right before he died. His eyes were
hopeful as he looked into my soul. Hopeful for my future. I almost
cried out, seeing the love that burned there. Love for me. And what
did I do? I killed him, in the worst possible way I could have. I
know he suffered terribly. And as he took his final breath, with tears
streaming down my face, I whispered those three words I'd been so afraid to
tell him. And I know he didn't hear.
I dreamt of him last night,
just like every night since his death. I see his face when I look at the
stars. I remember his eyes, so full of love. I see his blood as it
drips slowly to the ground. And every night I scream to the sky words of
my love for him.
My memories... they will never
let me go.