Sitting in the fetal position in her girlfriend, Rachel's bathroom, Quinn was hyperventilating. She couldn't stop panicking. All she could think about was that one night so many years ago. She felt it happen over and over again. Her uncle was in the bed with her. She wasn't there. She was a kid again. She could barely breathe. The only release she found was in the knife in her hand.
She sliced her wrist because she just didn't think she could do this anymore. The voices were always there.
My fault, she thought, all my fault. I'm so Fat. Ugly. Stupid. Worthless.
The day she gave up her baby up for adoption was the day she first cut herself.
All of a sudden, she heard a knock on the door. She didn't know what to do. Before she knew it, Rachel was coming in the room.
"Quinn...are you okay?"
Upon hearing no response, Rachel walked in, "Oh my god…Quinn? WHAT'S GOING ON?" Rachel screamed as she walked in her bathroom and saw Quinn and her bloody wrist. Rachel patted Quinn's cheek. "Wake up, you're here with me, you're safe. You're okay."
"Make him stop. Please make him stop. He won't stop. Make him stop. Please. Make him leave…I hate him."
"Quinn…it's just a flashback. It's okay. I'm here with you. You're okay."
"Huh?" Quinn was drowsy all of a sudden and had no idea what was going on.
"Are you okay? What happened to your wrist?" she asked, staring at her bloody wrist.
"Nothing…yea, I'm fine. I just…it was an accident. Please don't tell anyone. Please."
"Quinn…you could die if you don't stop. You need to talk to someone. We're going to talk to Mrs. Pillsbury Monday."
"Please…Rachel…don't make me."
"I just want you to be okay. Just come Monday with me please?"
Lies. She doesn't care. No one cares. You're too ugly for them to care. It's your fault, Quinn. It's your fault.
"Okay," Quinn sighed. She knew once Rachel Berry was determined to do something she was going to do it.
"Okay. Just let me know if you want to do it again. I love you."
"I love you too,"
Quinn refused to believe anyone cared about her.
After all who would? Rachel doesn't love me. No one loves me. I'm dirty. I'm a whore. I got pregnant at sixteen. I lost my innocence when I was eight. Who would ever really love me?
"I'll come Monday."
" Alright, well come back to bed with me."
It was nice to know someone was there. Even I they didn't really love her. Because as the voices always told her, no one really did.
Quinn quickly got into the bed with Rachel. As she lay down with Rachel, Rachel whispered into Quinn's ear, "I love you Quinnypoo, don't you dare forget that."
Quinn half-smiled. Rachel was the only one in the whole world allowed to call her Quinnypoo. "I love you too, Rachel."
Rachel wrapped her arms around Quinn. She wanted nothing more than for Quinn to be happy. That's all that mattered to her.
Quinn sighed. She loved Rachel with all of her heart, but she had no idea how she was going to explain everything to Mrs. Pillsbury on Monday. But she knew with Rachel, there was no hope in getting out of it. She wanted everyone to know how much pain she was in, but she didn't at the same time. No one would ever understand why someone as pretty and popular as her would ever cut her wrist or her thighs or her stomach or any crevice of her so called "beautiful skin."
Another thing: no one understood how much of an effect it had on her when her dad cheated on her mom and left. No one knew what her uncle did to her when she was eight years old. It didn't make any sense. Why did it anything bad happened to her? Why she was in so much pain and no one, other than Rachel, seemed to notice or care?
Christian. Ha. Dad left because I got pregnant. I'm a whore. I'm a stupid, fat ugly bitch and I deserve to die.
She was so glad she had Rachel here with her, but she had no desire to go talk to Mrs. Pillsbury on Monday.
Monday morning came too quick, and Quinn was seriously dreading what was about to happen. Her heart was practically beating in her lungs. She got into her car and drove to school. She did not want to. However, she hoped it would be what was best for her.
She'd been cutting herself for years, and she wanted nothing more than to stop. But no one understood that. No one understood how hard it was to stop. How the blade dragging across your skin leaving crimson red pouring out was a release. No one knew what it was like to hate yourself so much you couldn't stop even though you wanted to. You wanted to so desperately you'd do anything to not feel that way.
When she got to school Monday morning, she saw Rachel standing right in front of the school. Quinn walked slowly up to Rachel. When she finally reached her gorgeous girlfriend, Rachel put her arms around her. "I hope you know I'm only trying to do what's best for you."
"I know, But it's still hard." Quinn practically sobbed. She was trying not to cry, but she couldn't help it.
"Here," Rachel said, giving Quinn a tissue.
"I don't know if I can do this."
"Quinn Fabray, I've known you for three years. You can do this. I know you can."
"Thanks," Quinn sniffled.
They walked into the school and went straight to Mrs. Pillsbury's office.
"Yes," Mrs. Pillsbury said, "Can I help you ladies?"
"Quinn needs to talk to you about some stuff. Do you want me to stay baby?"
"Please stay," Quinn said, grasping Rachel's hand tightly. Then, she started sobbing.
"I'm here for you, Quinnypoo" Rachel replied.
"I know," Quinn sniffled.
"Quinn, what's going on? I've known you for a long time and you always seem so happy. What's going on?"
Quinn slowly pulled up her sleeve and showed Mrs. Pillsbury all of her scars and cuts. "Most of the recent ones are on my thighs. I just can't do this anymore. Nothing makes sense. I can't stop. I want to so bad. But I can't." She was practically in tears.
"Here, have a tissue," Mrs. Pillsbury replied. "What makes you want to do this?"
Quinn squeezed Rachel's hand as hard as she could. "I…I think my dad hates me. I mean, I did get pregnant at 16 and gave my baby up for adoption. My dad left us. And I've had so much bad crap happen in my life and no one seems to notice me. Everything's my fault. It's all my fault. I just don't think I can stop anymore."
"Quinn, I think you need some help. A psychiatrist maybe? I'm not cut out to help you professionally."
"Please. I can't go to a psychiatrist. It'll cost my mom too much money."
"Quinn, your mom makes plenty of money and you need the help. Please just listen to Mrs. Pillsbury. At least, hear her out."
"Okay, but I'm not promising anything."
"Quinn, if you do this again, I have no choice but to force you into getting help. I can't force you to get help right now, even though I wish I could."
"Thanks Mrs. Pillsbury but I don't need any help."
"Promise you'll at least consider it,"
"Fine, I'll consider it, but no promises."
"That's all I ask."
Quinn and Rachel had all of their classes together so they were together all day. Even if they didn't, Rachel knew she couldn't leave Quinn. She hated seeing the love of her life like this. Nothing hurt her more.
That afternoon, they had Glee practice as usual. Quinn was unusually quiet, so Rachel got up and told Mr. Schue she was going to sing a song for Quinn. Butterflies hit Quinn's stomach as soon as she heard the words to "Skyscraper" coming out of Rachel's mouth. Rachel had a beautiful voice. Quinn had always been jealous of that. However, now that Rachel was singing to her, she never wanted to hurt herself again. Rachel had that kind of effect on people. It was almost like magic.
"Wow that was amazing, Rachel," said Mr. Schuster. "Let's give her a round of applause."
They all applauded Rachel.
"Thank you guys, and I love you all."
"Let's get back to practice, Quinn, come up and sing the song you picked for this week's assignment."
This week's assignment had been difficult, especially for Quinn, with everything that was going on in her life. She hated herself so much. Most of the time, she was so depressed it was hard for her to function.
Loser. No good. Stupid. Bitch. Ugly. Fat. Whore.
Quinn walked to the front of the classroom and started singing the song Time After Time originally by Cydni Lauper. This song, in Quinn's mind was dedicated to Rachel to let her know she was there or her no matter what and was going to try and stop cutting herself and would try to get help as soon as possible. That's the point she was trying to make to Rachel. She hoped Rachel understood that. It didn't matter that the rest of the Glee club was applauding her. Rachel's opinion was the only one that mattered to her.
"Guys, I know I seem like I'm not all the way here, but I am. And I really do appreciate and love all of you so much."
"We love you too Quinn," said Mercedes.
Mr. Schu then dismissed the Glee club for the day.
Quinn and Rachel walked outside of the room hand in hand. Quinn was looking more depressed than usual, she'd added more cuts to her arms last night, and was extremely depressed that day.
Rachel sighed because she knew something was up. "What's wrong Quinn? I know you and you're not okay. Do we need to go talk to Mrs. Pillsbury again?"
"No, no I'm fine. It's just…a year from now we won't be here. And I spent half of my high school career gossiping and bullying other kids when really I'm the one that deserved the bullying the most."
"Quinn, that is not true! You mean the world to me, okay? Can we at least make a weekly appointment with Mrs. Pillsbury and see what she thinks about what's going on in both of our lives?"
"Okay, sure."
Fat. Ugly. Worthless. Stupid. Whore. Unlovable. You're not worth anything and no one will ever love you.
The next day, they both arrived at school at the exact. However, Rachel had to quickly get to class because she had a lot to prepare for the week, with so many projects due.
Quinn told Rachel she was going to the bathroom because she just needed to be alone for a minute. Quinn walked to the bathroom, quietly went into a stall, sat on the toilet, closed the door, grabbed one of her razor blades out of her bag, and started crying. Then she started to cut until she felt satisfied. However, Quinn was crying and shaking and she couldn't stop. She was flashbacking to that one night with her uncle. It happened in her room. It was her fault…her fault…Maybe if she wasn't such a dirty girl, it wouldn't have happened. None of it would have.
That's right, you stupid bitch. It's all your fault. You're so disgusting. Who's ever going to want you after they find out what you let him do to you?
Why had her uncle been at their house anyway? Why? She couldn't remember. Maybe that was just because she was so damn stupid. She hated him for what he did. But she hated herself even more. Why had he done it? Better yet, why did she let him? It was her fault…it was all her fault.
"It's just a game," her uncle had told her "But you can't tell anyone."
She never told her parents what happened with her uncle. She never wanted them to know. They would just blame her. Because as her parents had made extremely clear, you don't talk about your feelings or problems around them…especially around her dad.
She took five of her mom's Xanax that she stole, and it didn't seem to be enough to make the bad memories go away. So she cut her leg some more….the blood helped a little, but again not enough…so she drank some water, and took all of the Ibuprofen she had left. She didn't know what to do anymore. She wanted to die. She had no clue what to do about anything. She just couldn't stop crying.
Fat. Ugly. Stupid. Worthless. Hate. Hate! HATE! FUCKING BITCH! WHY ARE YOU SO DIRTY? WHY? YOU WANTED IT TO HAPPEN. YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A STUPID ATTENTION WHORE. NO ONE LOVES YOU.
All of a sudden, she heard Brittany and Santana enter the bathroom. Quinn tried to be as quiet as possible, but she kept sniffling.
"So you're sure that there's no sharks in the pool at my house?" Brittany asked Santana
"Of course, I'm sure. Why would I lie to you?" Santana replied, giving Brittany a hug.
Right then and there, Santana heard someone crying in the stall. She knew who it was instantaneously.
To be sure, she asked, "Quinn…is that you?" Santana asked.
She repeated the question several times. When Santana heard no response she opened the stall door and gasped, not believing what she saw.
"Quinn…oh my god. What are you doing? Why? Brittany, quick…grab some paper towels, and soak them and bring them here." Brittany did as Santana instructed.
"Make him stop. Make him stop. Please make him stop."
Attention whore. You shouldn't have let her walk in on you like this. No one likes you, they just pretend to. They don't care. They're lying to you. No one really cares about you.
Quinn was practically sobbing. Santana wrapped her in a hug and quickly checked Quinn's pulse and it was much too slow. Santana had no idea why she knew what to do, but she knew they had to get help as soon as possible.
"Brittany, go get Mrs. Pillsbury. Hurry. I'm worried about you, Quinn. You barely eat, you're always cold. You're so sad all the time…I'm really worried."
"I'm... so…so..rry.. I'm…such…a screw…up," Quinn sobbed.
Santana replied, in a tone Quinn had never heard her use before, "Shhhh. it's okay. I'm here. Brittany is getting Mrs. Pillsbury. You're okay. You're going to be okay. I promise. "
Quinn couldn't stop sobbing. "I…my fault…it's my fault…make him stop…dad…he left…I can't do this…make him stop…uncle…dad…abandoned…ugly fat hate."
The poor girl was so distraught she couldn't even finish a sentence.
"Over here, Mrs. Pillsbury…she's over here…"
"Hey Quinn, I just called 911…what's going on?"
The nurse and Mrs. Pillsbury were there, but Quinn was in and out of consciousness, floating between her past and the present…she had no clue where she was…nothing mattered…it was her fault…it was all her fault…
The nurse was checking her vitals and seeing if there was anything she could do before the ambulance got to the school.
Stupid. My fault. Ugly. Hate myself. Not worth anything.
"Quinn…I called your mother and an ambulance on the way. It's going to be okay…Quinn…talk to me. I need you to stay conscious. What's going on?"
For a split second, Quinn was snapped back to reality, realizing Rachel wasn't there. Mrs. Pillsbury could barely hear her as she whispered, "Rachel, Rachel…I want Rachel…she makes me feel better…please…"
Back to her room as a child, she was screaming, "Stop. Stop. Make him stop. Why? Why did he do it? Unlovable…I'm scared…make him stop. Make. Him. Stop."
"Quinn…Quinn…what's going on? Where are you? What's going on?"
"My room. I'm eight. He won't stop. Make him stop. Please…"
"Who won't stop, Quinn? Quinn…talk to me…"
Right at that moment, Quinn lost consciousness.
Bright red light. He won't stop…Make him stop…Car ride…Doctors…Nurses. Pretending…Bleeding…Want more blood. Deserve it.
Darkness. A black oblivion. Not dead. Not alive.
After twelve strenuous hours, Quinn finally woke up. She squinted at all of the bright lights…
"Where am I?" she asked.
"You're in the hospital," her mom softly replied, "I'm glad you woke up. You had me worried sick."
"Yea…you worried us all," Rachel said.
No you didn't. They wish you were dead. Then they wouldn't have to put up with you and your stupid self you stupid bitch.
Quinn looked around and saw Santana, Brittany, and Mrs. Pillsbury.
"I'm so sorry guys," Quinn practically sobbed, "I'm so sorry."
"Shhh," Rachel told her, softly stroking Quinn's hair, "it's okay….it's alright."
"Alright, everyone but Mrs. Fabray need to leave. You guys can come back later. A psychiatrist is coming to evaluate Quinn." Mrs. Pillsbury said.
"I love you, Rachel," Quinn said.
"I love you too, Quinn." Rachel replied.
The three Glee girls left the room.
"Okay, Quinn, a psychiatrist will be here soon. And I would just like to know your opinion on something. Do you think it would be beneficial for you to go to a psychiatric hospital for a little while? You'd be able to make up all of your school work and it won't affect any of your grades," Mrs. Pillsbury asked Quinn, knowing how much Quinn hated falling behind in school.
A single tear fell down Quinn's cheek.
"I honestly…I don't know. Mom, what do you think?"
"I really think you should go, honey. I love you baby girl and I couldn't stand the thought of losing you." Mrs. Fabray told her daughter, with her voice shaking.
Quinn squeezed her mom's hand rather tightly.
Bang. Bang. Bang. There was a knock on the door.
"Come in," Quinn said.
"Hello, Quinn. I'm Doctor Wiser. What brought you to the hospital?"
"I…um…I was at school…and I…I uh cut myself really bad and overdose on a bunch of pills."
"Why did you do that?"
"Because I want to die."
The psychiatrist asked several more questions and finally said, "Quinn, I really do believe it would be beneficial for you to go to a psychiatric hospital. What do you think about that?"
"Okay," she replied.
Whatever, she thought, it's not going to help me anyway. I'm too fucked up.
A few hours later Quinn was discharged from the hospital and rode with her mom to the psychiatric hospital that was in Columbus, Ohio the psychiatrist referred Quinn to.
"Mom?"
"Yes baby girl?"
"Where is Rachel? I want Rachel…"
"She said she would come to visit you as much as possible. Okay?"
"Okay," Quinn sighed and fell asleep. It took a little while to get to Columbus so she had some time to nap.
Rachel only pretends to love me. No one really does. They all hate me. It's my fault…my fault.
Approximately an hour later, Quinn felt the vehicle come to a halt. She opened her eyes and saw the words, Columbus Psychiatric Hospital For The Mentally Ill. Quinn was scared. She'd never been to a hospital like this before. She was scared.
Mrs. Fabray noticed that her daughter was on the verge of tears. "It's going to be okay, Quinn. I love you and I believe this is what's best for you."
Quinn could barely speak, so she just nodded at her mother and gave her a hug.
They entered the hospital and signed in. Quinn was told to fill out some paper work. All of these question were triggering her…she wanted to cut. However, she knew she couldn't. She had to focus on filling all of the information out. After she finished filling the information packet out, and waited. They had been there around and both were becoming impatient until finally they heard someone say the words, "Quinn Fabray."
"Alright ladies, just sit down. The doctor will be with you shortly."
All of the walls were ruby red like the ruby red that was dripping from her wrist. There were several books all over on so many bookshelves. Quinn and her mom sat back there for a while until the doctor came in.
The doctor was old, with gray hair, and he was kind of skinny.
"Quinn Fabray?"
"Yes?"
"My name's Doctor Flamenhower. What brings you here today?"
"Well, apparently, I'm suicidal and depressed; I guess that puts you in these places."
"Mhm. I see here you overdosed. Why did you do that?"
"To get away from everything and to make everyone feel better and it would all be better if I wasn't here."
Quinn barely finished her sentence before breaking down and crying.
Quit crying. I can't. Yes you can you weak, pathetic monster.
"Do you think being here will be beneficial to you?"
"I guess it couldn't hurt to try it out."
"Alright, you'll be in the adolescent ward."
Quinn sighed. She wasn't supposed to be here. There was a time when she had everything together.
When I was perfect, she thought.
Don't lie to yourself, you never were. You did this to yourself. You deserve it.
Her mother and the doctor walked with her to the adolescent ward where her mother was told to leave.
"Mom?" she said, nearing tears.
"Yea sweetie?"
"Tell Rachel to visit as soon as possible. I miss her."
"Okay honey. I love you baby."
"I love you too mom."
She was put in a room with white walls. All of her razor blades had been taken from her. They had even taken the string out of her pajama pants so she didn't try to strangle herself.
Ha. Like these idiots could stop me if I really wanted to try killing myself.
Her roommate was a stranger, around fifteen, who she'd never even met before. Her roommate had dark hair and blue eyes and or some reason reminded her of Rachel, who she missed dearly.
"Hi," the girl said.
"Hey," Quinn responded shyly.
"My name is Marley."
"I'm Quinn."
There was an awkward silence after that. Quinn didn't know what to say to the girl, who was severely underweight.
She's so pretty. Why can't I look like her? Why can't I be pretty? Why can't I matter? Why am I so ugly?
After a while a nurse came in and said, "Time to check vitals."
Quinn followed the nurse and Marley to the common area where they had a lot of kids waiting in line to get their vitals checked. When it was finally her turn, her vitals were normal.
I don't belong here. This is stupid.
"Group time next," one of the nurses said.
"Oh this is always fun," Marley laughed and told Quinn sarcastically.
Quinn laughed a little shyly. She had no idea what was about to happen. They went into the next room and all sat down in a circle.
A tall, black guy wearing scrubs sat down in front of the whole group and said, "Since we have new people here today, we are going to go around and say our names." Everyone said their names. After that, the guy babbled, but Quinn wasn't really paying much attention. She was too busy trying to think of ways to get out of there. After group time was over, they went to go eat lunch.
"No, I don't want a roll or mashed potatoes. That's too many calories!" Marley said.
"You're going to eat it," the lunch person replied.
After Quinn got her food, she went and sat down with Marley. She noticed Marley was picking at her food. Marley look famished though.
"So, why are you here?" Marley asked Quinn.
"Oh…um…I…um …I overdosed and cut myself. Why are you here?"
"Oh…well…my mom made me come here because she told me I was getting too skinny. Anorexia is what they say I have. I just don't want to be fat. And I think they're jealous."
"But…you're so skinny."
"Dude…you must be blind…I'm like the fattest person in the world. They say the mirror's lying to me…but I say that they are."
"Oh…okay."
They sat there quietly or the rest of lunch. Quinn wasn't very hungry and didn't want to eat. She hated eating in front of people. It made her think that everyone was judging her when she ate.
When they got back to their room, Marley decided to ask Quinn, "Why do you cut yourself?"
"Well…that's hard to explain. I got pregnant when I was 16 and had to give my baby up for adoption. My dad kicked me out of the house, and then left us. And I've had a lot of shit go down in my life. Why don't you eat?"
"Well...it all started when I was around eight years old. My mom's severely overweight, so everybody told me I had to watch what I eat or I'd end up really big. So I just stopped eating."
"Oh…well I hate to change the subject but when are visiting hours?"
"At 6 o'clock right after supper," Marley replied.
"Okay, thank you."
"Waiting for a visit from someone?" Marley asked, raising her eyebrows.
"Yea, my girlfriend, who I miss so much…"
6 o'clock couldn't come quick enough. She was only allowed to have 2 visitors at a time. Quinn waited and smiled so big when she saw Rachel come in with her mother. Rachel then ran up to Quinn and asked, "How is it going here?"
"Horrible, I miss you guys so much."
"We miss you too, sweetie," Rachel replied.
Then, Quinn gave Rachel a hug and a quick kiss on the lips, so none of the staff would notice.
"Here, come sit down with me." Quinn said.
"Okay."
"Quinn…everyone at school is wondering where you are at. Of course, Mrs. Pillsbury knows. But I wanted to know if it's okay if Glee club at least knows you're safe in a hospital."
"That's fine. Brittany and Santana can know where I am, seeing as they are the ones that found me. They must really care about me…"
"Yea, they do and I do too. I'm so glad you're okay."
"I don't see why," Quinn mumbled.
"Oh silly Quinnypoo, you mean the world to us okay?"
"Okay…I just….I hate myself so much and don't know why I'm worth existence."
"Well…I can't tell you what your purpose is…all I can tell you is you've saved me in more ways than I could ever have imagined. I mean, think about it, we both went out with Finn." Rachel said.
"Yea, I'm glad neither one of us are still with him," Quinn laughed.
"Listen…I was wondering if it was okay if I sang to you."
Quinn blushed, "Of course you can sing to me baby…"
"This song is dedicated to you because I love you SO MUCH."
Rachel then started singing "Keep Holding On" to Quinn.
When Rachel had finished singing, she noticed Quinn had been crying.
"What's wrong?" Rachel asked.
"Nothing's wrong, I just realized I love you so much. And that's why I tormented you so much two years ago. And you were still there for me. And you sang me that song…I remember. I love you so much baby."
"I love you too, Quinnypoo!" Rachel responded.
"Alright, everyone. Visiting hours are over."
At this, Quinn started crying even harder and grabbed Rachel and hugged her.
"Shhh, it'll be okay Quinn," her mom said.
"Yea, I promise I'm going to visit you as much as possible," Rachel told her.
"Okay," Quinn responded, still crying.
As soon as they left, Quinn went back to her room and cried. Marley followed her.
"Hey, Quinn?" Marley asked
"Yea Marley?" she responded.
"It's going to be okay. I know you're upset because you're here. But you're going to get better."
"Promise?" Quinn asked, still sniffling.
"I PINKY promise," Marley told her, holding out her pinky.
Quinn was quick to grab her new friend's pinky and said, "You have to promise me you'll get better too."
"Okay."
They were quiet for the rest of the night and Quinn ended up falling asleep rather quickly. However, she woke up to hear a nurse shouting, "VITALS!"
The rest of the day went on the same as the day before. She just hoped she could get through it without having any major breakdowns. And she did. Until they started talking in group and one girl was talking about how some guy molested her as a kid. The girl had horrible flashbacks just like Quinn did.
Quinn's uncle had told her that if she ever told anyone what happened what he did to her he'd kill her. That was why she never told anyone. She was terrified. The whole room noticed that Quinn had closed her eyes and was shaking.
"Make him stop…Make him stop…my fault my fault."
Ugly. Stupid. Dirty. Worthless.
"Earth to Quinn?" Marley whispered.
"Oh…I'm still here…sorry."
"Do you need to talk about something?" the psychiatrist asked Quinn.
"No…I'm fine," Quinn lied.
When they went back to their room, Marley asked "What was that all about?"
"Oh…nothing…."
"Yea right. Look, I get flashbacks too. It's okay, you can tell me."
"But he told me…he told me he'd kill me if I ever told anyone."
"Well I won't let that happen and I guarantee you your girlfriend won't either."
"I don't know…"
"Look, I was raped three years ago by my sister's boyfriend. He told me he would kill me too. But I got the bastard put in jail."
"It's too late for that for me…"
"Maybe, but by telling at least the police can make sure he doesn't do it again."
"Okay…when I was eight years old, my uncle used to crawl into bed with me. I don't know why. At first, I thought he was just mistaking when he came in there and would leave. So I tried to say something. But he just covered my mouth. He told me it was just a game and I could never tell anyone or else he would kill me. That wasn't the first time. He did it every day of every summer for three years. Because for some reason, my parents thought it was cool to have him and my aunt over every summer. But after that, he stopped coming into my room. I guess he only likes little girls and I'm scared it's going to happen again. And I feel it happen almost every day."
"You have to tell someone…at least your mom or your girlfriend…"
"What if they don't believe me? Or what if Rachel doesn't want me anymore cause I'm dirty?"
"Honey, that's not going to happen, I promise. I saw the way she looks at you. She loves you. Now, come here and give me a hug."
Quinn thanked Marley and gave her a hug.
"You are a beautiful girl, Marley."
"And so are you, Quinn."
The day went on the same as the day before. Except for Rachel didn't come to visit her, so when the telephones were put out that night, Quinn called Rachel's number (which she had had memorized since their sophomore year).
"Why didn't you come and see me?" Quinn quickly asked Rachel.
"I'm so sorry honey. We had an awful busy day at school today and I had loads of homework, so my dads wouldn't let me come and visit you."
"Oh…"
"I'm so sorry," Rachel said, nearly in tears.
"It's okay," Quinn responded.
"I love you Quinnypoo."
"I love you too, Rachel."
"You mean a lot to a lot of people, and I want you to know that I'm always here for you." All of a sudden, Quinn heard screaming in the background.
"Is everything alright?" Quinn asked.
"Yea…just my dads are fighting again…"
"Why?"
"Well one of them lost their job and…they don't know if I'll be able to go to NYADA next year or not," Rachel nearly sobbed.
NYADA had always been Rachel's dream. Quinn knew that. So, when she got out of this hellhole they called a hospital she was going to help Rachel in whatever way she could.
"Oh, I'm so sorry Rachel, I love you okay?''
"I love you too, more than life itself."
"We're going to get through this. Okay?"
"Okay," Rachel sniffled, "I just feel bad because you already have a lot of problems…I hate being the cause of more."
"You could NEVER be the cause of any of my problems."
"So…I have a question. I know all of your secrets right?" Rachel asked Quinn.
"Um, actually…there's something I need to tell you."
"What is it?"
"I…my uncle molested me when I was eight. I hate him so much. And I feel like I'm dirty and I deserved it," Quinn told Rachel.
"Oh, Quinnypoo, no one could ever deserve anything like that and I hope your uncle rots in hell."
Quinn then told Rachel about her new friend/roommate, Marley. Rachel told Quinn about all the latest drama at McKinley. For a few minutes, it was like none of this horrible stuff had ever happened. However, after a while, Quinn had to go.
"Hey, I'm sorry Rach, but I got to go. They're about to unplug the phones."
"It's okay, Quinnypoo. I love you."
"I love you too."
God, I miss her. So much.
"Hey, is everything okay?" Marley asked Quinn, seeing her distraught roommate.
"No," Quinn replied.
"Okay, do you want to talk about it?"
"My girlfriend…Rachel…one of her dads lost their job and she doesn't know if she'll be able to get into NYADA. I have to help her, but I don't know how."
"Well, first you need to finish helping yourself…or at least pretending to…here. Then, when you get out, me and you will come up with a way to help her."
"But you don't even know her."
"It doesn't matter. Everybody deserves a chance to make their dreams come true. Now, come on, let's go to the room."
When they were in the room, Marley was quick to get into the shower and quick to get out. As soon as Marley went to lay down, Quinn saw what Marley had been trying so hard to hide. Ribs were showing all over Marley's body. She was literally skin and bones. Marley then saw how shocked Quinn was.
"What?" Marley asked. "Am I that fat?"
"No, quite the opposite actually. Please eat. Please." Quinn said nearly in tears.
"Why? So I can get even fatter?"
"No, so you don't die from this. You're going to end up in the hospital with feeding tubes or worse if you don't watch it. I know we just met the other day, but I think you could accomplish so many great things in life if you really wanted to. Please eat."
Marley was nearly in tears. "I just, I feel so fat. Every day. And I hate every inch of myself."
"I understand," Quinn replied, "I want to show you something."
Quinn lifted up her shirt to show Marley all of the scars she had from cutting on her stomach. "It's not just on my arms. They're everywhere."
"Oh, Quinn, you have to stop."
"I'll try to if you try to eat."
"Okay, I'll eat, but you have to promise to stop cutting."
"Okay."
That night, Quinn had trouble sleeping. She kept having nightmares of her uncle molesting her, of her dad kicking her out of the house, her giving her baby up for adoption…everything….She was shaking and tossing and turning.
Make him stop. No. It's my fault. Why? WHY? FUCKING WHY?
Marley noticed this and went over to Quinn and moved her hair out of her eyes.
"Hey, it's okay, it's okay, I'm here. It's just a flashback or a nightmare. You're alright," Marley whispered gently.
"What..?" Quinn asked, still not fully awake.
"Shh, you were just having a nightmare."
"Oh, I'm so sorry," Quinn sobbed.
"It's okay," Marley said, giving Quinn a hug and rocking her back and forth in her arms, "It's okay, that bastard deserves the worst."
"I hate him," Quinn said angrily, "I HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH!"
"Don't worry, he can't hurt you anymore. You have me, you have your girlfriend, and you have your mom, plus that Glee club you told me about. They sounded like they really care about you too."
"Yea, they do," Quinn sighed, "I'm so sorry."
"There is NOTHING to apologize for."
They sat there wrapped in each other's arms for a few more minutes, Marley rubbing Quinn's back.
"You can go to bed now. I'll be okay," Quinn told Marley after a while.
"Are you sure?"
"Yea."
At that, Marley went to sleep. However, Quinn stayed wide awake for the majority of the night. So, when the annoying nurse came around yelling, "VITALS!" at everyone, she had a hard time getting up.
"Come on," Marley told Quinn, "Time to get up!"
