I don't own Harry Potter. If I did Drarry would be canon. I also don't own Carry On. If I did, it WOULD be the erotic grope-fest that Baz dreams about. I only own the plot and my own sick mind. Also, no wings or tail. They take up too much room. Comments are welcome, and flames will be used for roasting Marshmallows.

Simon Snow. An attractive, Chosen One, magical war-hero. Harry Potter. An attractive, Chosen One, magical war-hero. Me, Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch, a used-to-be evil, magical vampire who obviously doesn't deserve Simon Snow. Draco Malfoy. An angry, magical jerk.

Draco and I glare in silence as Snow and Potter talk up a storm. Ever since meeting Potter and Malfoy, I've been overcome with jealousy. Malfoy feels the same. That's the one thing we have in common. Other than that, we hate each other. Maybe it's because our boyfriends are talking to each other instead of us.

"I swear, Snow likes Potter more than he likes me, and Potter likes Snow more than he likes you." I growl. Malfoy shoots me a dangerous look. I glare back. "Cut the crap. I'm stronger, faster, and smarter than you. You do not scare me."

"Are you supposed to scare me, Fang?" he sneers.

"Call me Fang one more time." I snarl.

"Okay. Fang."

I tackle him. I could easily kill the bastard, but Snow would get pissed, so I hold back. We knock over stools and chairs as we wrestle. Two burly men pull me off him.

"Oi!" the bartender snaps. "Get out!"

Malfoy brushes himself off and stalks out. The bartender glares at me. I look at Snow. He and perfect Potter are shaking their heads. I storm out of the pub. Malfoy is sitting outside. I get an idea. I sit next to him.

"I hate you and you by no means like me. But we share one thing. Our boyfriends are getting close." I say.

"Unfortunately." Malfoy replies.

"Agreed. So let's get revenge. Make them jealous in return." I suggest.

Malfoy raises an eyebrow. "Could work."

We sit in silence, contemplating. After about ten minutes, Potter and Snow finally come out. They both look disappointed which pisses me off even more.

"Did you two have to make a scene?" Snow sighs.

"He called me Fang!" I protest.

"It was a joke!" Malfoy laughs, playfully shoving me.

I look at him and he winks. Snow and Potter both furrow their brows. I smile at Malfoy, pretending to be oblivious. I stand and hold out a hand for Malfoy to take. He grabs my hand and I pull him to his feet.

Snow looks confused, but he shrugs it off and turns back to Potter. "Tell me more about this Voldy-mort guy."

Malfoy hisses. "Don't say that name."

"He's dead, Draco. We shouldn't be afraid of his name." Potter sighs.

Malfoy frowns and walks ahead of us. He turns back, "Baz, are you coming?"

I smile and speed up so I'm walking next to him. "So far so good." I say with a smirk.

"So how did you become a vampire?" Malfoy asks curiously.

"I was five." I begin to tell my tale. Halfway through my story, I feel Snow's arm around my shoulder. I shrug him off and continue talking.

Malfoy listens with rapt attention. "Do you really think your mother would have killed you?" He asks once I have finished.

I shrug. "She would've done the right thing."

"You don't deserve to die." Malfoy replies, giving my shoulder a quick squeeze, then he turns away before speaking again. "My father was a Death Eater. Practically my whole family was Death Eaters. I was forced to be one."

"Death Eaters? Are those the blokes that work for that… guy?" I ask.

"Yes. I tried to fight for Hogwarts. For Harry. But my parents wouldn't let me. We ran like cowards." Malfoy admits.

"Well, it's time to go our separate ways." Harry interrupts."Simon, would you want to see each other again tomorrow?"

"Sure!" Simon agrees.

While they talk about a time and place to meet up, Malfoy and I exchange phone numbers. We patiently wait for the Chosen Ones to stop talking.

"See you, Draco." I say once they're done talking.

"Bye, Baz." he replies.

I ignore Potter. Snow and I walk away. Once we get to our flat and the door is closed, Snow pins me to the wall and starts attacking my mouth with his own.

I push him aside, easily. "I'm not in the mood, Simon." I say with a sigh.

"What's wrong with you today?" Snow snaps.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I reply coolly.

He looks pissed, but he wisely drops it. He takes out his phone and starts texting.

"Who are you texting? Bunce?" I ask. I don't add, 'or Potter?' He ignores me. "Well, goodnight then." I say. I try not to look angry while I get ready for bed. I put on sweats (no shirt) before lying down and closing my eyes.

Soon I feel Snow get into bed with me. His hands run down my bare back, but are soon retracted when I don't respond.

"What's wrong, Baz?" Snow murmurs.

I turn over to face him. I hesitate. "Nothing. I'm fine. Just hungry, I guess." I say. Not technically a lie.

"Oh! Do you need to hunt? I can stay up for you." Simon suggests.

"Probably a good idea." I stand, put on one of Snow's sweatshirts (he smiles at that), grab my phone, and walk out.

On my way, I text Malfoy, 'want to get together tomorrow while the heroes are out?'

I get a reply: 'sure. Stop by my place at 10:30' He sends me an address.

I smirk and put my phone away. I hunt. I'm careful not to get any blood on Snow's sweatshirt. When I return, Snow is still sitting up in bed. I take of his sweatshirt and crawl back into bed with him.

When I wake up the next morning around nine, Snow is getting dressed. Tee, jeans, hoodie.

"You going out?" I mumble sleepily.

"Yes. Harry and I want to do something." he replies.

I'm wide awake now. My eyes narrow. "Have fun." I mutter.

Once Snow leaves, I get out of bed. I take a shower, spell my hair dry, and change into black pants, a dark red button down, and a black tie. Snow sometimes complains that I always look nice. I reply saying he's just always messy.

I head over to the address Malfoy gave me. He's dressed nicely, too. White button down, slacks, green tie.

"Let's go to a cafe downtown." Malfoy suggests.

We go to the cafe and start to talk about our annoying, yet endearing boyfriends.

"I used to call Simon 'the worst Chosen One to ever be chosen.' To his face." I say. "He honestly was. Couldn't even control his magic most of the time."

Malfoy bursts into laughter. Then I notice the people ordering. Snow and Potter. They are watching us in shock. I quickly look back to Malfoy.

"That's a good one. Too bad I never thought about saying that. I rather wish I had." Malfoy says, still chuckling.

I look up again and Potter and Snow, just receiving their drinks, walk out. Potter is smiling as Snow talks energetically. Malfoy follows my gaze and clenches his teeth.

"I'm confronting him. Tonight." I say.

"Me too." Malfoy agrees.

Malfoy and I part ways and I wait for Snow to come home.

He walks in with a smile, which quickly turns into a frown when he sees me.

"Are you cheating on me?" we ask at the same time.

My eyes widen in shock and anger. "You think I am cheating on YOU?" I snarl.

He nods tensely. "With Draco Malfoy."

"No! You and Potter were all chummy-chummy. Malfoy and I were trying to make you jealous! I don't want you to fall in love with Potter. I mean," my voice softens as my anger turns to sadness. "I would get why. He deserves you more than I do. You two are heroes and I'm just… a villain. But I love you and I don't want to give you up to that prat!"

Snow looks shocked. "You're not a villain, Baz."

"Yes. I am." I retort. "Have you met me? I'm a vampire. I've tried to kill you multiple times. I am literally your stereotypical dark magician." I darken. "Answer me now. Are you cheating on me?"

He throws up his hands in exasperation. "It was one kiss!"

I freeze. He actually… "Was it a peck or make-out?" I ask coldly.

"Make-out." Snow admits.

I storm into our (his) room and grab a suitcase. I start packing. Snow is crying and yelling, but I ignore him. Then he kisses me. I shove him away.

"You can't fix this, Snow. You can't kiss it away." I sneer. "We're dating! That means you're supposed to kiss only me! You're supposed to be mine, Snow."

"Then make me yours." he whispers, stepping towards me. He's trying to be seductive. It's kind of working.

He's kissing me again. I kiss him back. I feel his lips curl up and he runs his fingers through my hair. I start pushing him towards the bed and quite literally rip his shirt off. He falls onto the bed. I yank off my tie and use it to tie Simon's hands to the headboard. I begin to unbutton my shirt.

"Baz, untie me." He murmurs, his gorgeous blue eyes not leaving my fingers as I undo each button. "I want to touch you."

I smirk as I tug off my shirt. I want to keep him tied, but I undo my knot. His hands are instantly on my shoulders, pulling me down to him. My lips meet his jaw, then travel down his neck. I start sucking, beautifully marking my boyfriend. He moans and writhes under me. He wiggles and I realize he's trying to get out of his jeans.

I pull his jeans and boxers down in one swipe, before getting out of my own pants. Simon looks nervous.

"We don't have to do this." I whisper.

"I want to show you I love you." Simon replies decisively.

"Okay. I'm seme and you're my uke." I say with a smirk.

"What does that mean?" Simon asks, looking genuinely confused. Frankly, it's adorable.

"Seme? Uke? You've never… you know what? It doesn't matter." I sigh. Then I'm back to kissing him. I reach down and grab his cock. He gasps as I slowly start to pump. His fingers claw at my back and I hiss. "Stop, or I'll tie your hands up again."

"Oh God." He moves his hands from my back to my hair. He's trembling with need.

I push three fingers into his face. "Suck." I instruct.

He does so eagerly, his eyes half lidded and filled with lust. Once my fingers are wet, I slowly push one into his hole. He gasps.

"Relax, Snow." I murmur before kissing him as a distraction.

I push in another finger. Then a third. I scissor my fingers, stretching him out.

"Lube. Bedside table." Simon gasps out.

My eyes widen in surprise. Then I laugh. "You came prepared." I find it and slather it onto my dick. I slowly push inside Snow who cries out. I pause.

"Keep going." He moans.

I smirk and push until I am fully inside him. I throw his legs over my shoulders to give me better access. Then I begin to thrust.

"Is this… okay?" I manage to say.

"Faster, please, Baz."

I oblige happily. I grab his cock and pump it in time with my thrusts.

He chants my name over and over again, like a mantra. I smirk. My possessive, dominating nature comes out.

"Whose are you?" I snarl in his ear. "Who do you belong to?"

"You, Baz. God! You!" Snow cries.

I grin and speed up, causing him to scream my name. He comes. I reach my limit moments later. I pull out of him. He lays there in a daze.

"Please don't leave, Baz." Snow whimpers. "I'll never talk to Harry again if it makes you happy. I love you."

"I love you too, Simon." I sigh, curling up next to him. I pull the blanket around us. He smiles. "Go to sleep, Snow."

"I've always been yours. It took almost losing you for me to realize that and not be an idiot." he murmurs.

"Snow, you'll always be an idiot." I mutter drowsily. "That's why I love you."

"How did you know how to do all that?" Snow asks.

"I've been on the internet." I sigh.

"You looked up gay stuff on the internet?"

"Snow."

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"But-"
"Shh."

"I love-"

"I know."

"Baz-"

"Simon, go to sleep."

He sighs. "Goodnight."

I wake up when my phone buzzes. Malfoy. 'We broke up. Everything okay with you?'

I reply, 'Yes. Sorry about you two.'

No response. I sit up and stretch. Simon is taking a shower. I slip out of bed and begin to clean our clothes off the floor. Then I get dressed in slacks and a gray button down.

Simon finally comes out of the shower wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. I kiss him and his fingers fumble to unbutton my shirt. A knock at the door stops him.

I leave my shirt unbuttoned when I go to answer the door. I check through the peephole. It's Potter. Of course it's bloody Potter.

I sigh and turn away. The knocking grows more insistent. "You get it, Snow."

He understands my expression and answers the door.

"Simon! Malfoy and I broke up. He and Pitch were plotting and they somehow found out about the kiss." Potter blurts out.

"Yes, Harry, I know."

"So are you single too? Do you want to go on a date?" Potter asks.

Simon gives me a face like 'help.' I step into view of the door and wrap an arm around Simon. I let my fingers brush against the glorious hickey on Simon from last night. His face turns red.

"Maybe we shouldn't talk anymore, Harry." Snow says.

Potter's eyes narrow.

"I'll handle this, Simon." I say.

Simon walks to our room. He mouths 'thank you' before closing the door. Potter and I stare each other down.

"So what happened?" Potter finally asks. He's pissed.

"I fucked Simon Snow senseless." I reply bluntly. I smirk as he turns even redder. "Simon is mine, so back off."

"He doesn't belong to you. He doesn't belong to anyone." Potter retorts.

"You didn't hear him scream otherwise last night." I say. "Now get out of here before I decide to drain you dry and relieve you of your life."

"Simon would never forgive you." Potter snaps, unsure.

"He would be pissed but he would get over it." I reply.

"Baz is right!" Simon's voice is muffled through the door.

I roll my eyes. That eavesdropper. "Bye, Potter." I shut the door in his fuming face. I go to our room and open the door.

Snow smirks at me. "Did you really have to say that? The 'I fucked Simon Snow senseless'? It seems unnecessary."

"Well, I did. Wasn't hard to do either, with what little sense you had." I reply.

He throws a pillow at me and I laugh.

Simon chose me over Potter. Guess I am a "chosen one" too.

Aleister Crowley, I'm living a charmed life.