'Are you listening?
To my voice, to this confession to you?
Are you listening right now? Can you hear my heart?'
Sakura has been staring at the colourful artwork for a while.
By now, she has memorised every single detail of the very intricate painting. To an extent that if asked, she can recreate it on a blank piece of paper at any given moment. Not that she did it deliberately. But a period of three years is more than enough to observe an artwork. Especially when one has way too much time to spare.
Suddenly she remembers her wedding night. The first time she had set foot inside this room. And she recalls with a hint of amazement that this painting was the first thing she had taken notice of back then.
That's hardly a surprise.
The artwork adorning the entire wooden wall faces the door. And it's so detailed and vibrant; it stands in stark contrast to the otherwise monotonous background of this room. Anyone is bound to notice this the first thing as they step in here.
She didn't tie her hair tonight. So, a stray lock suddenly falls upon her face. She tucks it behind her ear and that is when she notices a small speck of black ink on the pale pink skin of her index finger.
How did I miss it?
Slowly, she gets up from the bed and heads towards the bathroom; her footsteps light against the mat carpeting the hardwood floor.
I should have written the letter before. It wasn't wise leaving it for today.
But before today, she didn't want to bring it up. Because doing so would've meant that she had finally acknowledged this was truly happening. And she didn't want to.
She wasn't ready.
And she isn't yet.
But matters like that aren't of any significance. Things happen when they happen; not bothering about who is prepared and who isn't.
Sakura sighs as she washes the ink away.
When she finally returns to the bedroom, she finds her husband there. Laying his sword on the wooden table beside the bed. A routine he repeats every single night.
Always a warrior.
Always on alert.
Even in his sleep, he cannot let his guards down. Deep down inside, Sakura feels a little sorry for him. Not that she'll ever manage to tell him that. Not that she has ever managed to tell him anything.
Suddenly, Sasuke takes notice of her. He turns around to look at her properly.
She is clad in a thin white robe; the collars parted a little more than necessary. Offering a view of the pale skin below her collarbones, between her small breasts.
Why are you assuming that her breasts are small?
Of course they are.
Everything about her is. She is so petite. Almost making him scared that he might break her if he isn't careful.
Don't be disrespectful; he reprimands himself.
But should it be considered disrespectful if it's my own wife I'm looking at?
He cannot find an answer. So, he stops trying. Instead, he looks up to admire her face.
She possess an inherent aesthetic appeal that never fails to bemuse him. The light from the lamps is reflecting on her green orbs; making them appear even brighter. Her small nose, plump pink lips and thin pink brows; her placid countenance.
Is she even human?
He notices that her hair isn't tied tonight. He wonders why. She always ties her hair into a loose braid before going to bed.
But he is thankful she didn't today. She looks ethereal like this. The pink locks framing her small face; spilling all over her shoulders and chest.
"My lord," Sakura speaks in a soft voice, suddenly capturing his attention, "Are you ready for bed?"
He stares at her for a while.
Is this how you have decided to deal with it?
By pretending that it isn't even happening? By pretending that it's just another night when they fall asleep by each other's side on the same bed?
Are you putting on an act purposefully or do you really not care?
Whatever, he sighs; as you wish.
"Yes," he replies in his usual deep voice, seemingly devoid of any emotion.
.
.
.
As he lies on the bed intending to fall asleep, eyes shut tight, he can feel someone's eyes upon him. And he has a very good idea who that someone is.
He opens his eyes to find Sakura staring. Her face a little too close.
In the dim light of the single lamp that's still burning in the bedchamber, he sees her eyes going wide. Clearly caught off-guard. And then he notices a shade of pink dusting her cheeks. She immediately casts her gaze down.
He takes this time to study her vividly; committing every small detail to his memory. His conscience screams at the back of his mind; reminding him about respect and disrespect. But he decides that tonight for once, he simply doesn't care.
This is my last chance.
His eyes fall upon her collarbones. And suddenly he feels the urge to touch it.
He himself is left utterly confused by his line of thoughts.
That's disrespectful!
But he reasons with himself.
She is my wife. There's nothing disrespectful about it.
Not yet.
So, he allows his eyes to travel downwards. He finds that her collar is still apart. And since she is lying down now, her arms are squeezing her breasts together, making a cleavage appear between them.
Sakura follows his line of sight. As she figures out what his gaze is fixed upon, she finds herself very unsure of what the right course of action is.
He is her husband. There's nothing wrong about it. But, he has never spared her a glance in the three years of their married life.
So, why now all of a sudden?
Uncertain, she stays still. Waiting for his next move.
Slowly, Sasuke's eyes return to her face. He sees her green orbs staring at him. He holds her gaze.
A few moments pass before he notices a loose strand of pink hair falling upon her face. And before he knows it, his right hand is at work; gently tucking it behind her ear. The sudden contact startles Sakura. She gasps and looks at him wide-eyed.
Sasuke notices the difference as he reminisces their wedding night.
As he turned around after shutting the door, he saw her standing there, behind him. Looking downwards, hands clenching at the light green silk robe she had been dressed in for her special night.
She was visibly shaking. And he knew why. To her, he was a complete stranger. She had seen him for the first time during their wedding ceremony earlier that day. They were yet to share any words.
But she was also prepared for whatever was to come. He could see it clearly in her body language. He knew that if he demanded, she'd give herself to him regardless of how much she detested it.
But tonight, as he searches her eyes, he can no longer find that fear there. She's confused, but not scared.
He wonders if she'll let him tonight.
But what good can it possibly bring?
But tonight, she's still his wife. And tonight is the last time he'd be sharing a bed with her.
So, he decides to takes the chance. His last chance.
He brings his face closer to hers. His movements painfully measured; studying her reactions for the minutest hint of discomfort. But to his delight, he cannot find any.
She stares at him, unsure of what to do.
What is his intention? He has never acted like this before.
Then, she feels something soft brushing against her lips very gently. It takes her a few moments to process the scene. And by the time she does, he has already removed his lips and is looking straight into her eyes. His nose almost touching hers. And she sees a hint of pink adorning his cheeks.
Did he just kiss me?
She blinks a few times.
Is this a dream?
She wants to make sure. So, she reaches her hand out; very slowly, as if in a state of a dream, and touches him. As her fingertips brush lightly against his cheek, she figures that this indeed is the reality.
It's not a dream.
And suddenly she doesn't know how to behave. But she removes her hand instantly.
However, to her bewilderment, before she can move it away completely, Sasuke catches it. Nothing forceful; he simply entraps her much smaller hand in his larger, rougher one and gently brings it closer to his lips. He looks at her long, slender fingers for a while. And Sakura's heart keeps beating violently. Sasuke places soft kisses against the tips of her perfect fingers.
Now that Sakura is well aware that they are still residing within the realm of reality, she suddenly feels extremely shy. Her cheeks go deep red. To Sasuke's amusement. She didn't react at all when he kissed her lips; but now, she's acting all embarrassed.
He smirks.
However, Sakura doesn't get to see it; she has long moved her gaze away.
Suddenly, she feels a soft tug at her arm. The one that has been captured by her husband. So, she dares to cast her gaze back at him once again. The confusion overpowering the nervousness and embarrassment.
Sasuke pulls her closer to him; very softly, very slowly. Stopping every other moment to verify if there's any hint of reluctance in her. But she exhibits none.
Finally, he has her exactly where he wants her; almost pressed against his chest, her breaths fanning his face, her nose lightly brushing against his, her warmth seeping into his body through the thin barriers of their night robes.
They look into each other's eyes. Sakura can see a reflection of herself in his dark, bottomless orbs.
That's me in his eyes.
Does he think I'm beautiful?
Because of the unexpected turn of events, her brain has lost its ability to think rationally. So, she forgets to remember why it suddenly became so important.
"Sakura-"
She shivers at the way he utters her name. Deep voice mixed with something else, an emotion she cannot quite pin down. Nevertheless, it awakens something in her.
This is the first time he has ever called her by her name. They have always been using the formal ways to address each other. Moreover, they haven't exchanged many words during the not so short time span of their marriage.
"Would you let me touch you for tonight?"
Her eyes go wide in surprise. Is he really asking what she thinks he is asking? Is he really? Or is it just some huge misunderstanding on her part?
"As your husband?"
With that, flies away the last shred of confusion. His question is very straightforward. He has made clear what he wants. And he is letting her decide.
She is confused. Should she consent?
-Isn't this something you have wanted for a long time?
-It is.
-Then why are you hesitating? Now that he is asking, why aren't you just accepting his proposal and give yourself to him?
-Because… Because…
I don't know which one is more painful. Never getting to know what it feels like to be held by the man you love? Or getting to experience it for once only to be torn apart from him for the rest of your life?
Which one is worse? How do I decide?
But here she is, in the arms of her husband, his skin warm against hers, his eyes looking at her exactly the way she has always dreamt they would someday.
The temptation is too strong.
You don't have an eternity. Decide.
Sasuke is still hoping for an answer. With a completely foreign nervousness brewing inside his brain.
This isn't something he had planned beforehand. This wasn't on his mind when he stepped inside their bedchamber tonight. Not even when they went to bed together. But somehow, the events that followed managed to awaken something in him. A primal instinct. And right now, he is painfully aware that this is his last chance.
Not really, I've been aware of that for a while. It's just that I finally figured out its true implications.
So, he is determined. Until and unless Sakura turns him away, he isn't letting go.
Not tonight.
By now, Sakura has made her choice.
Between regretting making a mistake and regretting having the chance and not taking it, I think the first one is less painful.
At least, I'll have the memories of this single night. Memories are valuable assets. They can last a lifetime.
"I would," she speaks.
Sasuke notices the change in her demeanour. All of a sudden, all the blatant uncertainty that she was displaying is completely gone. Instead, there's a flicker in her jade eyes.
She moves her face closer and this time, it's her who connects their lips. It takes Sasuke off-guard. So, he needs a few moments before he can finally return the kiss.
It's a mess. Of two sets of inexperienced lips and teeth. None of them know how to do it, but both are equally eager. Driven by something very carnal; an invisible clock ticking and reminding them that every single moment is precious.
When their mouths part, both are panting heavily.
Sakura touches Sasuke's forehead with hers. Her fingers find their way into his dark locks.
"Please," Sakura sounds breathless, "Tonight I want to know what it feels like to be your wife."
Her raspy voice sends a current through every single cell of Sasuke's body.
"You will," he barely manages to speak before he decides to assault her lips once again.
As he watches her, trapped underneath him, chest rising and falling rapidly, lips swollen from the fiery kisses earlier, he feels a pang of pain.
Tonight is all I've got. I have to convey it all to her. I must. If I don't, I won't get another chance.
He's never been good with words. And he didn't really care. He assumed he had sufficient time. The rest of their lives. But unforeseen events took place and here he is.
Sakura sees his lips descending once again. But astonishing her, this time it's not her lips they fall upon. It's her collarbones. As she feels his warm lips upon the sensitive skin of her neck, she draws in a breath; surprised.
Is this really happening?
Her husband, the great leader of the Uchiha clan, the ruthless warrior Uchiha Sasuke, is he really doing this to her? Everything seems to get foggy inside her brain.
Sasuke feels her desperate breaths blowing into his untamed hair. He hears the loud and frantic beating of her heart against her ribs. He feels her small form shuddering under him as his lips trace the sensitive area on her beautiful long neck.
As surreal as it seems, this is real. All of it. Her breaths are proof. Her beating heart is proof. Her trembling figure is proof.
She is here with him at the moment. So, he decides to forget about the morrow. He decides to forget about everything else but this ethereal woman. The woman he vowed to spend the rest of his life with.
My wife.
Maybe no longer from tomorrow. But right here, right now, she is rightfully his. And that's all that matters to him.
He lifts his face to get lost into the green depths of her eyes once again.
"M-my lord?" she speaks, her voice suddenly a little uncertain.
"Sasuke," he speaks; with a certain authoritativeness in his tone.
As Sakura understands the implication of his word, her big eyes go even bigger in surprise.
Am I really not dreaming?
"Say it," he demands.
She still hesitates. This level of intimacy, this is what she has always desired. But all of it in just one night; it feels way too much. Her brain seems unable to accept it all just yet.
"Say my name, Sakura," he sounds impatient this time.
"Sa-su-ke?" she speaks, half like asking a question; pausing after every syllable just to make sure she isn't doing anything wrong.
"Not like that," his eyes bore into her, "Say it like you mean it. Like it is the name of the person you love."
Even if it's not.
I don't care if you don't love me. Just pretend that you do. For tonight.
I have never hurt you. I have never treated you harshly. Maybe I don't qualify as the best husband. But I definitely don't deserve to be titled as the worst one either.
So, please.
If you have allowed me to have your body, then at least let me believe that I have your heart too. Even if it's a lie. Because otherwise, it will make me a horrible person. A monster. And I don't want to be one outside the battlefield.
"Sasuke?" she says it again. This time, more confidently.
"Yes. Like that," and with that he captures her lips in a passionate deep kiss once again.
She wishes she could read people's minds. She wants to know what's going on inside his head right now.
Why are you doing this?
You never showed any indication of wanting to be intimate with me. Not once.
So, why today?
Is it because I will be leaving you? Is it just because you don't want to let go of me without knowing what it feels like to be with me?
Or… Can I be a little bolder and assume that you are doing this because you feel something for me?
You're making me hope that this joining of ours means as much to you as it does to me.
.
.
.
As Sasuke lies on the bed, their naked bodies pressed together, arms and legs entwined, the rational side of his brain starts hammering at his conscience.
Was it wise?
As the one shouldering the responsibility of an entire clan, that is the first question he has become habituated to asking all the time; regardless of the situation.
And this is no exception.
What was the point of consummating a marriage tonight when you're going to annul it tomorrow?
Maybe none. Maybe it was indeed a stupid mistake. But he decides not to regret it.
For once, he decides to let his emotions prevail.
In spite of what role I play and how heavy the burden of my responsibilities is, I am still a human. I have the right to behave like one sometimes.
So, he decides not to worry about it now.
I will face tomorrow when it comes. Right now, she is still here. And I want to cherish these moments. I won't let worries of the future invade this bliss of the present.
He wraps his arm around her narrow shoulder; pressing her head closer to his chest.
Can you hear the beats of my heart?
You are the reason they're acting all wild like that. Do you even realise that?
She's already fallen into a slumber. He places a soft kiss on the top of her head; the strands of her hair tickling his nose, her scent invading his senses. There's the fragrance of some oil. But there's also something that he can identify as exclusively hers. Slowly, he drifts off to sleep. Holding her tightly against his chest; as if determined to not let her go.
.
.
.
Sakura opens her eyes when Sasuke's breathing deepens; indicating that he has finally fallen asleep.
She stares at him.
His perfect face; sharp nose and jawlines, thin lips and brows, his jet black hair that is all messed up because of their earlier ventures- she takes it all in. Painting a perfect picture in her mind.
She sees the red marks left by her nails on his shoulders. She traces them gently with her fingers.
Does it hurt?
She recalls how careful he had been to not hurt her. He was inexperienced. Something she had always hoped for but wasn't very confident about. And he was trying his best to make it pleasurable for her. As if, he cared more about her preferences than his own.
"A ruthless warrior. He makes weapons come alive with his unmatched combat skills. A man without a heart. He is the one who has single-handedly restored the ancient clan to its former glory. That too, only at the age of nineteen. It's about time we come up with something regarding our relationship with the Uchiha."
That was what she had heard about him from her mother.
"A man who cannot be tamed by anyone or anything. And right now, we pathetically lack the strength to stand up against him. Therefore, we are going to pledge our loyalty to him. And it has been decided that as a token of our allegiance, we will offer him your hand in marriage."
She realised what she was about to become. A hostage; to ensure that the Harunos do not dare to wield weapons against the Uchihas ever again.
"Bear him children. As many as you can," her mother had instructed her with a stern look on her face.
But how can you make a child with someone you not only don't love but also fear more than the god of death himself?
"He might be dreadfully cold-hearted, but even wild beasts harbour tenderness towards their off-springs. As the years pass, maybe he will start to soften up to you. If not out of love, then out of gratitude for providing him with heirs. And if the starts to put some value in you, that would prove to be beneficial for the Haruno clan."
She had wanted to cry and scream, to protest, to complain about the unfairness of it all. But she was already well aware of its futility.
"Don't complain. It's your duty as the daughter of the clan leader. You are not the only woman who has to go through this."
She still remembers her wedding day very vividly.
She had been dressed in an extravagant deep blue robe that kissed the ground as she walked around. Its long, loose sleeves concealed her hands completely. It was decorated with intricate patterns of fine gold threads and held in its place with a golden belt around her waist. Sitting loosely on top of it was a jacket; dark crimson in colour, with a high collar and devoid of any sleeves. On its back, the symbol of the Haruno Clan was sewn with the finest quality gold threads. Her long pink hair was tied into a very complicated hairdo consisting of braids and buns. Perched on top of it was a huge and heavy gold coronet decorated with red and blue gemstones. Her red shoes were made of hardwood and decorated with golden patterns. All of it together had made it practically impossible for her to move.
She finally got to see her fated partner during the ceremony. A cruelly handsome face with very aristocratic features but completely devoid of any expression. He stood tall beside her in the ancient temple as the old priestess wed them. He never spared her a glance even as he took his vows to cherish and protect her for the rest of his life.
He was clad in a dark blue robe lacking any embellishments; just held in its place by a black satin belt decorated with silver patterns. His jacket was raven black in colour and on its back, sewn in silver threads was the emblem of the Uchiha Clan.
During the ceremony, another similar jacket, just much smaller in size was brought forth and the customs required him to put it on her. He placed it around her shoulders perfunctorily; not caring to go through the trouble of actually making her sleeves pass through the assigned openings. She figured that this marriage was barely a marriage to him; just a political treaty.
But she could not blame him; she knew that most people present at the ceremony shared his sentiments regarding their union. She was most likely the only one who was optimistic. Political or not, a marriage was still a marriage. And to her, it did hold some significance.
That night, when the maids led her to her new bedroom and left her there, she was feeling like a deer caught in a trap. She wanted to run away and never turn back. But she could not. Upon her actions relied the fate of her entire clan.
"Every girl does it, don't act like the world is being especially cruel to you and you only. Consider yourself fortunate that at the least your husband is of the same age as you and according to legends, strikingly handsome."
Yes, that definitely was supposed to help her feel at ease. When you know that someone is coming to rob you, the knowledge that he is aesthetically pleasing is a great source of comfort.
But she had no other way out. Therefore, as much as it scared her, she had still prepared herself.
She waited for her new husband, perched on the corner of the bed; secretly praying to the gods that her wait may never end.
The soft silk robe she had been dressed in, she hated it. It was too smooth against her skin, clearly designed to be taken off easily without much hindrance. She hated the knots on the belts. They were tied to get undone with one single draw of the loose end. She considered untying them and then tying again; as tightly as she could. So that no one can undo them ever. She hated the way they had done her hair. Held upon her head with just a single pin; one tug at it and it will all come off. She hated the scented oils they had put on her body and her hair. She hated the half-lit room that created a sensual atmosphere. She hated the bed decorated with petals of red roses. She hated everything.
But more than anyone or anything, she hated the man she was waiting for.
Then, all her hopes came crumbling down when she heard footsteps on the other side of the door. And the wooden door finally opened.
She felt like her heart was about to leap out of her chest. She swallowed hard to muffle the sob that was threatening to erupt. Slowly, she stood up as he turned around to shut the door. Waiting to obey his commands regardless of how much she wanted to rebel.
Finally, he turned to face her. She didn't look up at him. By then, she was shaking terribly, clutching at the silk robe tightly. Every logic that she had been using to console herself, seemed to disappear into thin air.
As she stood there in front of him, her mouth going dry, she heard him sigh. And then, he spoke in a deep detached voice, "Go to the bed."
She looked up at him. Blinking hard to make the tears go away. Then, she followed his order and walked towards the bed. Her steps as small as possible to delay the process.
As she was finally on the bed and preparing to lie down, he stopped her. "That side is mine," he indicated towards the other side with his right hand, "This is your side."
She stared at him for a while. His side? Her side? It took her some time to absorb the information. But as she did, she slowly moved to her side of the bed.
"Can you turn that lamp off?"
He indicated towards the green glass lamp sitting on top of the wooden table by her side. She complied silently.
He walked around to the table on the other side and did the same with the lamp sitting there.
The only remaining source of illumination was a smaller lamp made of red glass; burning in a niche on the wooden wall towards her feet. Just next to the bathroom door.
She braced herself for what was to come. She heard the rustling of clothes and then, felt someone's weight upon the soft mattress. She squeezed her eyes shut, telling herself to do just as he asks and be done with it.
A few moments passed without anything happening. She opened her eyes only to find him already lying on his spot. She swallowed a few times before slowly lying down; facing him. But he had already shut his eyes and went to sleep without even uttering another word.
It wasn't just that night, three years since then, and he never made any indication towards wanting to consummate their union. In the end, she had concluded that maybe he did not find her desirable enough.
Why did he suddenly sleep with me today?
Although she has no justifiable answers, she is glad he did.
I could not ask for a better parting gift. Even though it's briefly before my departure, I am glad I got to become your wife in the truest sense.
She figures that she needs to hurry up. She has already lost a good amount of time because of the unexpected events of the night.
She takes a look at him one last time. She remembers his face from earlier; with a tinge of redness marring her cheeks. He had looked so carnal, so desperate, so full of lust; all for her. He had looked so masculine. And right now, there he is, sleeping peacefully like an innocent little child.
She cannot help a small chuckle.
She places a very soft kiss on the tip of his nose, careful not to wake him up and breathes in his familiar scent.
This will be the last time.
Then, with the utmost care, she releases herself from his hold. She climbs out of the bed with a tinge of discomfort in her nether regions and picks up her discarded robe from the ground. As she puts it back on, tying the belt, she studies his face in the dying light of the lamp.
After she is done, she walks to the painted wall and slides open a door to enter the next room; the one she has been using as her study for a while.
She appears a few moments later with two rolls of paper and walks over to Sasuke's side of the bed. She places them on the table beside his sword and stares at his sleeping form for a while.
"I love you," she murmurs softly as if in a whisper; "That is why I cannot stand the idea of being abandoned by you."
She sighs.
I must leave; I'm getting late.
As she shuts the door, she continues staring at his sleeping back till the very last moment.
She steps out on the wooden hallway; she sees the moon shining brightly; bathing the garden in a soothing silvery light, granting it the appearance of an unknown magical land from some mythical tale.
Good for me. The journey will be easier.
She descends onto the garden from the hallway and starts walking. As she reaches her destination, she climbs back onto the hallway once again. Taking a few steps, she reaches a closed door and then, very softly, hits the wooden surface with the knuckles of her pointer finger and middle finger.
Note: Quotation in the beginning is from Can You Hear My Heart by Epik High Ft. Lee Hi.
I want to keep this story culturally ambiguous. So I'm using inspirations from different cultures and mixing them up with my imagination when I feel like it.
So, I started another multi-chapter fic when I already have two ongoing. But I was bound to write this sooner or later since historical stories are my life. Especially political arranged marriage fics are just beyond everything (proclaiming my extra love for The Uchiha's Wife and Sunrise).
Please point out my typing errors.
Love, June
