[Coruscant - The Jedi Temple]
Qui-Gon Jinn felt like a man being torn apart. The highs and lows of pleasure and pain had come to him in rapid succession, rocking him like a boat in an angry sea - precariously close to drowning, but uncaring because he was far too appreciative of the wild ride.
Now...
The ride had ended.
He had been in love, was in love. But it was over.
He just hadn't told Obi-Wan yet.
[Three weeks earlier - Republic Transport Prolac]
Qui-Gon picked up the data pad from the cot and opened it.
[... told me again and again to tell him how I feel, that he won't reject me, even if he doesn't return my feelings... but Bant doesn't know what it's like. She doesn't love her master. She doesn't have to be afraid of driving the person she loves away with such an obviously unrequited admission...]
No, not the mission report he'd come looking for.
Obi-Wan's journal. Qui-Gon dropped the pad and it landed on the floor next to his feet. He felt ill, yet elated - a heady combination of sensations that swirled around his abdomen like butterflies on acid. Ill - he had read Obi-Wan's journal and violated his padawan's privacy, even if unintentional; and elated because his feelings of love for the man his padawan had become were returned.
"Master?"
He started, looking up wide-eyed. Obi-Wan stood in the doorway of their shared cabin with only a towel wrapped around the waist of his wet, well-muscled body.
Qui-Gon floundered for a moment before he managed to gain his mental equilibrium, forcing his mind to calm. An excuse. He needed a reason for being on Obi-Wan's bed, his padawan's journal lying so far unseen at his feet.
"I was..." there was the briefest of pauses while his mind remembered his earlier intentions. "...looking for the mission report so I could add my conclusions about the treaty." He managed to not rake his eyes over the sight that his padawan was presenting to him even as he praised his recovery.
Obi-Wan looked relieved. "Oh. It's right here." He retrieved the pad from the top of his pack, turning his back for the few moments Qui-Gon needed to retrieve the dropped journal and put it back on the bed.
"I've just about finished it Master."
He handed it to Qui-Gon, who felt as relieved as his padawan looked. The journal was in its proper place and his padawan appeared oblivious.
"Thank-you Obi-Wan. I'll finish it for you while you get dressed. Dinner in a half?"
Obi-Wan nodded, clutching tightly to his towel with one hand. "Yes Master."
Qui-Gon left with a short nod, a flush beginning to turn his entire face and his ears a bright red. He thanked the Force as he fled - if he hadn't dropped the evidence of his transgression when he did...
Obi-Wan, despite his confessed love for Qui-Gon, would not have been forgiving if he had caught his master reading from his journal. Once years ago, while on Coruscant, Qui-Gon had returned to their shared quarters to find Obi-Wan looking dangerously close to knocking one of his age mates out cold. When Qui-Gon had managed to calm his padawan down, he learnt that Obi-Wan had found his friend reading his journal while he had been making snacks in the kitchen.
Obi-Wan had been nineteen then and in a fine temper for days afterwards.
Qui-Gon sat down in the kitchenette, placing the mission report on the table. His padawan was twenty-four now and fiercely protective of his privacy. It would not have been pretty if he had been caught.
Still, if it had happened, if Obi-Wan had returned just a few seconds earlier, there would have been an opportunity for Qui-Gon to discuss Obi-Wan's feelings with him. But Qui-Gon was at a loss. The Code stated very clearly that intimate relationships between a master and padawan were not to be initiated by the senior member of the pairing. He had cursed that edict many times in the past while at the same time he had found himself frequently quoting it again and again in an effort to calm his raging desire.
Many times he had stumbled upon Obi-Wan in near nakedness or dripping with sweat, clothing clinging to his body after a long work out. Situations that pointed out all to clearly what Qui-Gon wanted and what he could not have. In those precarious moments, when he wanted to confess everything to the man he loved, he cited the damn Code and held his tongue.
His mind repeated the phrases now in a desperate bid to stop him from turning around and charging back to devour Obi-Wan. A master shall not initiate intimate relations with a padawan. A master shall not...
Qui-Gon decided that he had found a new definition of misery. To know and not be able to do anything about it.
For a relationship to occur Obi-Wan had to make the first move - had to state with no room for uncertainty, that he wanted Qui-Gon. An admission in a journal did not qualify as an attempt on his padawan's part to initiate a relationship.
The universe was laughing at Qui-Gon Jinn. He was sure of it.
"Would you like some help with the report or dinner, Master?"
Definitely laughing. For the second time in five minutes, his apprentice startled Qui-Gon out of his thoughts. This time though Obi-Wan was dressed, something else to be thankful for.
"Well... I could use your skill in opening the ration packs. We've just about run out of fresh produce."
Obi-Wan laughed and Qui-Gon's heart palpitated; he had always loved to hear his padawan's laughter, to see that huge grin that always accompanied it. Swallowing in misery, he surmised that it felt much worse to love Obi-Wan now that he knew he was loved in return.
Obi-Wan retrieved the rations and tore the packets open. "I hope you don't mind eating now. I'm famished." He passed a bar to Qui-Gon and for a brief moment their fingers touched.
Torture. He was being tortured. And laughed at.
"Thank you Padawan." /I love you too/ he said silently, within the safe confines of his mind, wishing he could utter the words aloud.
"I don't understand! For three weeks now you're professing your love to me and now its over?" Obi-Wan stood before him, the expression on his face a mixture of shock and betrayal.
"Yes." Qui-Gon forced himself to look his padawan, his lover, in the eye.
"Just like that." Obi-Wan said his voice laced with bitterness. He turned away from Qui-Gon, hugging himself tightly.
Qui-Gon's heart ached. He wanted to reach out to Obi-Wan. Take it all back. He couldn't. This had to be done and no matter how much it hurt either of them, it had to end.
He would never ask Obi-Wan to make the choice that he had to, between their relationship and his training. That would have been crueler than what he was doing now and there was plenty of hurt here without adding to it.
"Obi-Wan you make it sound like I'm just tossing you aside. I'm not. Your training must come first. Surely you can see that this new relationship we have can only interfere with it. The line between teacher and student should not be crossed; it can lead to abuse or overconfidence on my part. What if I was blinded to a potentially fatal fault in your fighting skills? What if I'm too close to you to see the flaws? I've been guilty of that before."
Obi-Wan spun around on his heel, anger radiating outwards through the force, buffeting Qui-Gon's senses.
"Don't. Don't you dare compare what we have with Xanatos! Don't you dare use him as an excuse! Not this time and not for this. Stop hiding behind his ghost. You say you don't want to mess with the master padawan relationship? Why couldn't you have thought of that three weeks ago? No, I definitely won't think that I am just a toy for you to cast aside when you are bored with it. You've given me every reason to believe otherwise."
"Obi-Wan _"
"No!" Obi-Wan held his hands up. "Enough - it's over. You used me and abused me and I've outstayed my welcome in your bed. I get it." He stalked past Qui-Gon to the door. "I believe that I will be eating in the dining hall 'Master'." Obi-Wan palmed the door and it opened with a small whoosh. "Breakfast, lunch and dinner."
Qui-Gon did not protest, just watched, silent, as the door slid shut behind his padawan. When he was sure that Obi-Wan was not going to charge back in for another painful round of bitter verbal sparring, he slumped down on the floor, his head falling into his hands, silent tears wetting his large palms before splashing to the floor.
It had not gone well; not that he had expected it to. He had taken the heart of his lover and ripped it from his chest. Obi-Wan accused him of using him as a play toy, but his padawan couldn't have been further from the truth. Qui-Gon had hurt him, yes, bruising his heart in a way that his trusting student would have thought impossible. But if Obi-Wan thought that Qui-Gon didn't love him...he would way off the mark.
Qui-Gon loved Obi-Wan and that was why he had done it.
Hurt the one you love because you love them.
It was so perverse but so true.
[Three hours earlier.]
"You've embarked on a dangerous path, Qui-Gon. Do you have any idea of the trouble this could cause?" Mace Windu waved his hands as he spoke his displeasure evident. "This is setting a bad example for other master and padawan pairs..."
Qui-Gon sat beside him in one of the temple gardens, wisely choosing not to speak. When Mace ranted it was much safer to sit quietly and nod in all the right places.
"... then there's the fact that he's so close to his trials. Couldn't you have waited a year? How can you guarantee that he will remain focused on his studies? How do you know that you won't be blinded to his faults? You don't know..."
There had to be a point somewhere, Qui-Gon was sure of it. He let his mind wander to the subject of this dressing down. Along the training bond Qui-Gon could feel that Obi-Wan was immersed in something, his focus so tight on what he was doing that he didn't notice Qui-Gon's gentle check-up.
Sparring. Only sparring could devour all of his padawan's attention. That meant a sweaty Obi-Wan and clingy clothing that he would be more than willing to remove from his lover. He smiled and turned his awareness back to the garden and a fuming Mace. "It's merely hero-worship, you must be able to see that!"
That got Qui-Gon's attention. Hero-worship! Of all the absurd things...
"Mace, I don't think that you are in a position to tell me with any authority, how Obi-Wan feels about me. I've seen his heart and I know it's true. He loves me as much as I love him. I __"
"Are you so sure Qui-Gon? Are you willing to risk his apprenticeship for what is most likely a crush?"
"What in Sith's hell are you going on about? Why would Obi-Wan's apprenticeship be at risk? The Code does not forbid relationships between masters and padawans!" Qui-Gon stood up, the abruptness of the movement showing his state of agitation.
"It's at risk because I am considering petitioning the Council to have you removed as Obi-Wan's master if the relationship continues. You've proven yourself to be blind to the faults of an apprentice before and we can't afford to loose someone like Obi-Wan. There are Dark times ahead..."
Xanatos! Of course Mace would have to dredge up Qui-Gon's worst failure as a way to make a point. He was outraged by the comparison.
"I never had a relationship with Xanatos! He was my student, nothing more."
"He was your student and you could not see the darkness because you did not want to! He was just a student and Obi-Wan is your lover. Do you think given your history, that you can objectively train him?" Mace held up his hand before Qui-Gon could answer. "Think carefully my friend. We are talking about your apprentice's knighthood."
Qui-Gon sat back down tight-lipped, his hands clenching and unclenching. He was furious. He ached to strike out at Mace and remove the threat to his Obi-Wan, to them. Common sense and years of diplomatic work held him back. That reaction, the absolute devotion to his padawan, was they very thing the other man was trying to prevent. Could he make the same mistakes with Obi-Wan as he had with Xanatos? He did not want to believe that it was possible. If it was... Could he in good conscience risk Obi-Wan's knighthood when they had both worked so hard and for so long?
Qui-Gon felt nauseous. He couldn't. It meant too much to Obi-Wan.
Defeated, he shook his head.
Mace squeezed his shoulder, offering comfort. Qui-Gon brushed the hand away in anger. His closest friend had placed him in an impossible position, backed him into a corner and held a mirror up to him. The past, present and future were reflected back and Qui-Gon did not like what he saw.
His failure with Xanatos. His new relationship with Obi-Wan and the possibility of Obi-Wan failing his trials because his own master was blinded by love and unable to prepare him properly.
It hurt and Qui-Gon wasn't willing to take comfort from the person who inflicted the wound. Even if he might be right.
Mace stood up. "The infatuation will end. Go to the boy. Tell him it's over."
[Republic Transport Prolac]
They ate in silence. It should have been companionable, but Qui-Gon was too aware of Obi-Wan seated across from him to enjoy it. Their legs brushed together under the table and Qui-Gon stiffened involuntarily. Damn. He hoped to make to Obi-Wan feel comfortable enough to admit his feelings. Flinching away from casual touches was not a recommended way to accomplish that goal.
The leg moved and Obi-Wan glanced up at him.
"Not enjoying your meal, Master?" Obi-Wan pointed to Qui-Gon's half-eaten ration bar and then to his own empty packet.
"I'm not particularly hungry at the moment, Padawan. You're welcome to it if you want." Qui-Gon pushed the bar over to him.
Obi-Wan shook his head and pushed it back to Qui-Gon's side of the table. "You really should eat Master. We've had a tough time these last few days and you hardly ate unless I shoved the food down your throat. Eat." Green eyes implored him to pick up the bar. "Please?"
That simple plea was all it took for the rest of the bar to disappear into Qui-Gon's mouth. If Obi-Wan ever knew it was that easy for him to get his master to do his bidding...
He swallowed the bar and was rewarded with a knowing smile. Oh no. His apprentice already knew that he had Qui-Gon wrapped around his little finger. A pity that Obi-Wan wouldn't try to wrap him around any other parts of his body.
Obi-Wan wasn't going to be returning to their quarters that night. Qui-Gon resisted the urge to comm him, despite his almost overwhelming need to hear his apprentice's voice. The training bond was muted, the comfort it offered no longer there.
When the door had slid shut on the sight of his distressed padawan, tight mental shields mimicked the action, blocking Qui-Gon from Obi-Wan's mind. That silence was a glaring reminder of how badly he had hurt Obi-Wan. Hurt might be too minor a word. He broke up with the man, as if the last three weeks had never happened. They were the most memorable three weeks of Qui-Gon's life.
[Republic Transport Prolac]
"Master?"
Qui-Gon glanced up from the mission report. "Yes Obi-Wan?"
"I'm in love with you."
The door chime sounded and a quick check of the time told Qui-Gon that it was not visiting hours - it was well past midnight. A bolt of panic flashed through him and for an instant he wondered if something had happened to Obi-Wan.
He squashed that wild thought before it could take up residence in his mind. Whoever it was and whatever they wanted, it was not to tell him that something was wrong with Obi-Wan - even with the shields in place, Qui-Gon was sure he would know if there was a problem. He told himself that as he opened the door.
An angry young woman strode in without invitation.
"How could you do that to him? Are you heartless? He loves you! What were you thinking? Telling him you love him and then taking it all back because it doesn't fit in nicely with the master padawan dynamic! I never thought that anybody could be so cruel." Bant stood in front of him, her hands on her hips, eyes squinted into an unforgiving glare. "Well?" She threw her arms up in the air. "What do you have to say for yourself?"
"I don't have anything to say, Bant." Rubbing absently at his head, heart sick and very tired, Qui-Gon asked, "Do you realise what time it is?" Hopefully if he reminded her of the hour she would leave and take her anger with her.
"I know damn well what time it is 'Master' Jinn. It took me hours to get Obi-Wan to calm down enough to talk to me and even longer to get him to sleep. The state he was in when he came to my room, I thought you must have died or something. Only in reality, you did much worse."
Qui-Gon wasn't in the mood for this. "Well, Bant, I'm sorry my reasonable health disappoints you so. If you're done ranting at me..." He gestured a hand towards the door.
Bant ignored the hint. "I'm far from done Jinn. Do you have any idea how bad you hurt him? Do you?" Tears began to trickle down her face adding to Qui-Gon's growing pain. Obi-Wan must have really scared her to shake the usually calm Mom Calamarian.
Qui-Gon looked away from the evidence of the hurt he had inflicted. "I think you should leave Bant." "No." She crossed her arms and stood firm in the middle of the room.
"No?"
Unbelievable. Three weeks ago the universe had been laughing at him by giving him the knowledge that the one thing he wanted, wanted him too and he couldn't have it. Now, he could almost think that the Force, the universe, whatever had placed him in this difficult situation was smirking. He didn't get to have Obi-Wan after all and now he got the consolation prize of living with three weeks of memory and an angry Mon Calamarian staring him down.
"No." She made no move to leave. "Not until you give me a reasonable explanation as to why you hurt Obi-Wan like you did."
"That's between Obi-Wan and mys __"
"Obi-Wan doesn't have a clue why you broke up with him, other than that ridiculous story you fed him regarding his training." Bant said.
"It's the truth. Obi-Wan will be facing his trials sometime in the next year and he needs to be focused."
"Oh come on, you can do better than that! How about this? You needed a warm body to snuggle up to for the three-week trip home and your padawan was conveniently available. You took his offer of love and used it for sex. Did you even love him? At all? Ever?"
"Of course I love him and I still do, it's just that..."
Bant wasn't going to give him the chance to defend himself, her mind was already made up. "What? You expect me to believe you love him when you used him like that! You threw him away because it was inconvenient for you, after all, he's just a padawan and you're a famous Jedi master."
"I didn't have a choice Bant." This was spiralling hopelessly out of control.
"Sithspit!" She was very angry now, waving wildly as she argued. "There's always a choice. You could have said that you didn't feel the same way as him. You could have..."
"It was our relationship or his Knighthood! His whole life has been dedicated to becoming a Jedi Knight. I would not ask him to sacrifice that for me. I made that choice so they wouldn't take his dream away from him!" Even as he said it, Qui-Gon realised his mistake.
Bant was Obi-Wan's best friend and she would tell his padawan what had been said, tell him 'why'. He didn't want his apprentice to have the weight of that decision on his shoulders, even though Qui-Gon had made it for him.
Bant stopped her tirade, shocked. "His - his Knighthood?"
