I have just got back from Augustus' funeral. It was terrible. I absolutely HATED it! I didn't want to go to the actual grave yard, I felt TERRIBLE and I was already tired. My Dad made me go…..He said I had to go, that I had to be there for Gus' parents. In my opinion He would have hated it. He would have wanted it to be a bright happy thing, where people remembered and cherished all the good and fun stuff they did together. The whole thing was gloomy and dark and the exact opposite of how I plan to remember him. I miss him desperately, he was my first and only true love. I won't ever forget him, hell I won't ever get over him. I write to him everyday although the entries have been getting shorter and I have been getting sicker.

It has nothing to do with my cancer though, I'm sure of it. The symptoms are totally different. I've gotten sick a couple times, I find myself more tired, and I go through these mood swings. Like even more tired and moodier than usual. Even though it's really starting to make me worry I refuse to tell my Mom. She will just flip out and rush me to the hospital, where they'll just do a whole bunch of tests on me and honestly I don't think we have the money for that. What with Mom going to school and all of other bills from previous hospital trips and my crazy expensive medicine. I haven't had to be drained since before Augustus dies.

GOD I miss him! I mean IF thats a big IF there really is a God WHY did he take the one thing that means the most to me, the one person who made me feel like I was actually living. Now I just stay in my room reading, and rereading An Imperial Affliction. Sometimes Isaac and I hang out and play video games. I was thinking about asking him to go to the doctor with me. My parents are the only people I'm worried about, I don't want them to find out that I went to a doctor behind their back. That's why I think Isaac would be the best to help me with whatever is going on, and I know I can trust him. In a way he's, my only close friend. We have grown closer, way closer but not in THAT way. He has just really been there for me. We hang out a lot, I pick him up for support group most the time, and we hang out afterwards whenever I decide to go.

It's been a whole week since His funeral. When I was with him time flew by and I couldn't ever get enough of it. Like you could NEVER overdose on time with Augustus Waters, even if he was in one of his moods.

I cry about him less but last night, it got really bad and my Mom wouldn't stop hovering. I swear ever since He died she has been sitting outside her door waiting for this to happen, waiting for me to break down. And, I guess I finally did. She wouldn't stop asking me if I was okay or if I needed anything. Another mood swing hit me and I went from crying to screaming at my mother. I feel terrible about it now and I have apologized so many times. It was the worst mood swing yet. Last night, after I screamed at my mother about how she needed to stop worrying and needed to live her own life instead of mine, I decided to call Isaac. It was pretty late and I expected him to be asleep since it was 1:30 am on a Tuesday, but he still answered on the 3rd ring. He sounded worried, I guess he's noticed that I only call right before I pick him up or before I come over and I never call for anything else.

I was still crying and sniffling but he understood what I said. In the end he agreed to go to the doctor with me and said he'd even make me an appointment and call me in the morning with the details. He is the best guy friend ever! Even though at the beginning he was a little reluctant because he was afraid something serious was wrong (cancer related). I assured him it wasn't so he finally gave in.

I was planning to sleep in but then I got a call at 9:30 I answered almost immediately, since I knew Isaac would be calling me with my appointment information.

"Isaac?"

"The one and only! Are you feeling better now? Okay since last night?"

Woah someone is obviously happy this morning.

"Yeah I'm fine."

"No Really. I know you and remember blind people's develop better senses such as hearing e.t.c. Mine is knowing when people such as yourself are lying."

"Okay really I am doing better I am still bummed and will be for a while, I mean He just died."

"I know, I understand and honestly haven't accepted it either. Some days I wake up and for a couple peaceful minutes I can believe it was all a terrible dream. But, then I remember and it hurts all over again."

" Uggggh that has gotta suck, but in a way you're lucky! I dont even get that. I honestly think I'd do ANYTHING to have him back.

there was silence on the phone, but not like we were in a special third room like it used to be with Augustus and I and just thinking about it makes me want to cry so I decided to change the subject.