It's been almost two decades since we last saw her. I cannot help but to think that she is gone forever. Edward is continuously telling me wherever she is, he believes that she would desire for me to move on and be happy. I just turn my head and ignore him. What could happiness possibly be without my only reason for existence? I cannot just forget her. I cannot move on, I cannot let her go, and I quite simply cannot live without her.

I've spent the past two decades wearing a mask for the sake of my family, staying here for them. I was never involved in this idea of family like she was. I did it for her, and while I have grown fond of them all in the past sixty-six years, it is not the same without her. That day. I have lived through many pains in my life, but that morning is engrained in my mind unlike any nightmare I have lived in my one hundred and seventy-four years of life and death.

Alice and I had spent the night in each other's arms as close enough to sleep as we can get, like we had done many nights. The sun was beginning to peak over the horizon casting a substantial amount of "sparkles", as Alice called them, around our room. The room was far from necessary; however, it proved perfect for our intimate moments like this. I rolled over to look into the beautiful golden eyes that belong to my lovely wife, only to find that she was not there. I was so wrapped up in my memories of us through-out the years that I hadn't realized that she was gone.

Naively, I had smirked and got up to see where she had wandered off to. She played games such as this one often. Any semblance of amusement I had been experiencing drained away immediately as I walked down stairs to find the worried faces of my family. I directed my growing concern towards Edward. "What's wrong? Where's Alice?" I demanded through thought. All he could do was look down.

"Where is she?" I screamed at my innocent family. I was being surrounded by the emotions of worry, grief, and the most terrifying emotions of all. Loss. The glimmer of hope that I had constantly felt in the presence of my mate was nowhere to be found.

Carlisle stood and walked at a human pace to put his hand on my shoulder. It was an obvious gesture so as to not provoke my boiling aggression. A failed gesture at that. I quickly shrugged him off. "Where is she?" I growled at him, unable to contain my anger and worry over my small, pixie of a wife.

"We do not know son." Carlisle stated in a slow and calm manner.

"What the hell do you mean that you don't know?" my emotional management was lost, my emotions were projected towards my family and mirrored back to myself, amplifying their effect in the process. Emmett let out an uncontrolled growl as he lunged in front of Rosalie in protection. I faintly witnessed Edward do the same for Nessie and Bella.

After ensuring his family's safety, Edward took a small step forward, shaking his head. "I read her mind, Jasper. All that she said was that she had to go." His head dropped to the floor for a second time "I couldn't get to her in time to stop her." he admitted with fear and guilt.

That was my boiling point. I had snapped, lunging at him. It had been such a rash thing that I hadn't given any thought to it. I grabbed him by the throat, pinning him to a near-by wall, southern-vampire-war instincts taking over. "You. Let. Her. Go?" I screamed in his face. Bella dared not to step in.

"Jasper." Carlisle was over to me in a second with his hand yet again on my shoulder. "Please let him go. He said that he could not get to Alice in time. That is enough."

I reluctantly let Edward go. I did not know what to make of it. I didn't know what to make of any of it. She was gone, and no one knew where she was. This was impossible. It had to be.

I blacked out after that and to this day I do not remember the occurrences of the rest of that day. I'm too afraid to ask any members of my family, for I feel that the answer may hold things that I could live without knowing.

It was just this moment that I heard a silent knock on my door, drawing me out of my wallowing and sorrow. From the scent of lilac and vanilla and a hint of cinnamon, I knew it to be Esme.

I dated the entry, put my pen into the journal, and closed it. The journal was Esme's idea. It is supposed to keep a record of my feelings so that I am able to look back over them and witness my progress. I look back over it now and I see no difference within the past two decades.

"Come on in Esme." I spoke no higher than a whisper knowing that she would hear me all the same. I turned in my chair towards the door as she walked in.

"Hello my darling son. I see that you are writing in your journal. Is it helping any?" She asked genuinely interested.

I looked over at the book and sighed. "I don't know how much longer I can do this Esme. I…I just don't know how to go on without her. She was…is my everything." I looked down knowing that this next line was going to hurt her most of all.

"For the last 20 years, I have been merely putting on a face for you and everyone else, but I can't do it anymore!" I stood up and threw the leather-bound book across the room. I faintly heard the spine split against the wall as the pages floated to the ground. "It's just not the same without her. I can't go on living like this without her. Not anymore."

I looked up into her eyes knowing full and well I would regret doing so. Sure enough, I was right. Her eyes filled with tears that would never spill. She tried to hide it with every ounce of might that she possessed, trying to no avail.

I closed my own tear-filled eyes and looked away for a second, but then pulled her into an embrace. "I'm sorry Mom. I truly am, but I cannot be… happy like this. She was my only reason to exist. Other than that," I pulled back slightly to look her into her eyes. "I'm nothing, but a worthless fool."

She opened her mouth in protest, but I stopped her before she could say anything.

"Please understand, Esme that I love you, and Carlisle and everyone else, but I can't hold on anymore. I don't feel that connection anymore. I can't feel her. It feels like she's," I couldn't say it without my voice breaking, but I tried any way. "Dead."