In an attempt to write humor, this random, cracky oneshot followed something my sister said while we were watching this scene in the Order of the Phoenix, was created.
Disclaimer: *blinks* Is there a lottery for the rights to Harry Potter?
Luna: No, but the blibbering humdingers told me you could always kidnap J.K. for ransom…
Tori: ….Luna, you're my best frie- *is shot*
Hermione: *holding a shot gun* She doesn't mean that. Lawyers, keep your evil paperwork powers away please, she means no harm…
Tori: Yes I do, I-! *is knocked out*
Hermione: She doesn't own it. Especially the bolded part below, which is a scene directly from. She doesn't even own the line directly after the bold as said by Harry. That line belongs to her sister. End of discussion.
Luna: Aww, you're no fun Hermione.
-x-
He let out a gasp of pain. The words had appeared on the parchment in what appeared to be shining red ink. At the same time, the words had appeared on the back of harry's right hand, cut into his skin as though trached there by a scalpel – yet even as he stared at the shining cut, the skin healed over again, leaving the place where it had been slightly redder that before but quite smooth.
Harry looked round at Umbridge. She was watching him, her wide, toadlike mouth stretched in a smile.
"Yes?" – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling
He stared at her. "…You're a fucked up bitch. You know what? I'll keep doing these lines out of spite, not to mention it would probably make a badass scar, but you're a fucked up bitch nonetheless."
"How dare you use that language to me! That's it! Two months of detention Mr. Potter!" Her toad-y (pun semi-intended) face was bright red.
Kinda like Uncle Vernon's face when I mention magic. Maybe if I talk about Voldemort, she'll turn purple like him. "Hah! I've faced off Voldy-shorts four times already! Do you think your pathetic detentions can compare to that, plus scar pains on and off for the last five years, discovering a wraith possessing a teacher first year, finding your best friend's fucking little sister near death, a basilisk, a werewolf, a shitload of Dementors, four rounds of the Cruciatus curse and seeing a fellow champion die in front of me? Yeah well fuck you Umbitch!" He grinned in success at the now purple blotched face.
"He is not back you horrible, lying boy!" She hissed, sickly sweet smile gone. Heh, alliterations…
Harry had felt better than he had since the start of summer. It was like all the yelling he did at someone who actually deserved it lifted all the strange anger he'd been feeling off his shoulders.
"Yeah, you keep believing that. You and the cowardly, pathetic excuse we have for a minister can go to hell for all I care. You two won't listen to what I say and I don't see the point in trying to convince you anymore when I could be doing something more productive." He glanced down at his bloodied hand. "I'm fucking done with this detention. It won't heal anymore so my job is done. I'm keeping this quill by the way. Oh and, piss off bitch." He smirked at her gaping mouth, picked up the quill and walked out of the room.
-x-
Short Omake:
In an unnamed Death Eater hideout…
Voldemort looked up from torturing a random Death Eater at the feeling of satisfaction and...the urge to swear at someone in a longwinded rant? Oh well, he mentally shrugged and went back to his beloved crucio's.
