Fk You All! (Including the Author)
By Pip's Sister

Notes:

1. If you flame me, you missed the joke.
2. If you flame me, you forget that I make fun of myself in this fanfic too.
3. If you flame me, I will laugh.
4. Characters belong to Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Comedy Central.

August 28, 2002

555 South Lane
South Park, CO
55555

The South Park Fanfic Sirs and Madams:

On behalf of my clients, Kyle Broflovski, Stan Marsh, and Eric Cartman, I herby request as their lawyer the utter extinction and disillusion of this so-called "fanfic community." At first my clients were pleased, even flattered, by your existence, but the numerous offenses you have committed can no longer be ignored.

From this day forward, my clients and their friends and family will no longer participate in any fanfics where they are ignored, pushed aside, or belittled in any way by any of these so-called "fanfiction characters." Nor will they be forced into a relationship with any of them like tasteless penny whores. They were willing to meet new friends, but they assert that this is "their show" and that they are "the bosses." They feel you have abused the privilege of allowing them to meet new friends and thus they revoke this privilege.

From this day forward, my clients and their friends and family will no longer participate in any fanfics where they are made to re-enact a movie word for word. My clients refuse to participate in plagiarism of any form of media and feel they have much better things to do.

From this day forward, my clients and their friends and family will no longer participate in any "future stories." Nor will they sit and listen to any wars over them. For all they know, the future involves them turning into mole people and having to mine seashells for some sort of evil alien beings. In their own words, "Give it up!"

From this day forward, my clients and their friends and family will no longer participate in any stories where they are portrayed as homosexual with people whom they hate (unless with an "ass-load" of work). Nor will they be portrayed as homosexual with anyone whom they have not met. Again, they are not "penny whores" and will not be treated as such. Nor will they be treated as "whiny sissies" who cry just because the love of their life (which, according to client Stanley Marsh, "Who'll be a totally different fucking guy in the next story.") does not reciprocate their feelings.

From this day forward, my clients and their friends and family will not participate in any stories where they are portrayed as psychotic murderers.

From this day forward, my clients and their friends and family will no longer be responsible or be the impetuous for any "Tolkien wannabe worlds" which are allegedly "better" or "allow more freedom" than theirs. In their own words, "You should have done that in the first place and left us alone."

From this day forward, my clients refuse to particpate in the quasi-writing exercise known as "role playing." According to my client Eric Cartman these exercises create stories that are "too long and as boring as my grandmother." Thus, they will not participate.

Finally, from this day forward, my clients will not be involved in anything else related to or involving fanfics, especially those that are one page long or fraught with spelling errors.

Because of these grievances, my clients demand a few simple measures: the extinction of your community, the destruction of all fanfics, and the disillusion of all "Tolkien wannabe worlds." Also, if your so-called "fanfiction characters" were all thrown into the pit of fiery death, it would be appreciated.

If you do not comply with these terms, you will be sued, and your underpants will be stolen.

Thank you for your prompt attention in this manner.

Sincerely,

Gerald Broflovski
Attorney at Law

The End.