New story, hope you guys will like it. Previews of chapters will be posted on Tuesdays that can be found on my tumblr page. Also I want to thank my beta for taking the time to look over the story. She's been a big help and we're currently working on the sequel.
It doesn't feel real.
He doesn't think it is real.
Only minutes – seconds – before he was sharing a beer with his brother. They were both laughing amongst each other as it seemed the bullshit with the ATF fell through. It was a close call, but as usual they didn't have shit. Not for one second did Jax think his brother ratted. Now that the situation had cleared over, Stahl's little scheme was too obvious. Jax knew he wasn't bias when it came to Opie, he even told Clay that if Opie ratted he would kill his best friend himself. But all Opie knew was the club and his brother would die before ever betraying them. The ramifications for ratting would be too great for his family and Jax knew that ratting was something he would never consider. For a second, Jax believed he betrayed his brother for ever considering he would rat.
Beside that little hiccup, the club were on smooth sailing waters for the most part. Things did work out as the Irish were happy the task handed down to the Sons had been completed and they opened a new pipeline up for them. All was well for the club besides the minor setback with the ambush with the Niners and Mayans a few days ago.
Despite that bullshit with the ATF taking Opie's family as a ploy to make it seem as if he ratted, for anybody else, it would've probably strained the relationship between a family – a husband and wife. It was no secret that Donna and Opie were struggling with his return home from a five year stint from prison. It wasn't just about the money. It was the future that strained them, the lifestyle that led him to getting locked up in the first place. Where did the two go from here? Donna couldn't reconcile her husband going back to the lifestyle that took him away from her and his children for five years.
Jax could see why Donna despised the club. Why she didn't want their charity.
Jax remembered witnessing a blowout between Donna and Opie during the early weeks after his release. Opie was trying to lean right and got a job chipping wood. He still attended mandatory church on Friday nights, but barely darkened the club's doorsteps otherwise. However, he was still a member and there were duties and responsibilities he needed to fulfill, the club needed him for a job. Donna caught Opie in his kutte getting ready to leave and Jax was exposed to an angry Donna punching her husband repeatedly as he tried to calm her down. Jax was grateful the kids weren't home to witness the shaky ground of their parent's marriage. Donna departed with a sneer towards her husband and didn't even acknowledge him. Opie later told him after the job was done that Donna wasn't sad. She was pissed. She was pissed for having to raise two babies because their daddy was in prison.
Jax didn't know what to say because at least Donna gave a shit about Opie instead of preferring a $40 fix, but then again Jax wasn't the most available husband.
Jax had to watch from the sidelines as his best friend's family did struggle. He watched as they struggled in his absence. The kids being young at the time didn't really understand why their dad was gone. There were some questions that were sugar coated for them, but as the years passed they got used to Opie not being there while Opie never got used to being in Chino. Opie missed birthdays – his brothers replacing his absence. He missed when Ellie's and Kenny's teeth fell out and they got a dollar from the tooth fairy. There were the doctor appointments and the surgery for Ellie when she had to get her tonsils out. He missed soccer games and school plays.
He missed the kids struggling with their math homework and how they would con Donna into letting them have an extra five minutes before bedtime. He missed when Ellie tried to give her brother a botched haircut that had Kenny crying and everyone laughing or better yet when Kenny wanted to look like his dad and shaved his head. Thankfully they had a cosmetologist in the family to fix the choppy bowl cut.
Jax knew Opie struggled with having him and Piney try to make his family whole while he was inside. He hated having that responsibility handed down to his brothers. But it was the risk they all took with the life. Opie wasn't the first member to go inside and he certainly wasn't going to be the last. Jax never found it to be a burden either to help take care of Opie's family because Opie's family was his family even outside of the leather kutte him and Opie shared.
Despite knowing that Donna and the kids pain and anger of Opie's absence there was one person who struggled more. There was one person who silently wept, hid her sadness away so she would appear strong for her family.
Jax watched as Kennedy River Winston kept her sister-in-law and niece and nephew whole throughout Opie's five year stint. Kennedy was right there alongside Donna in helping with homework, transporting them to wherever they needed to be, and helping out with bills. She even moved in with her brother's family to make things easier.
Kennedy stepped up during those five years. Jax watched as each year aged and matured her into the strong woman she was. He thought of her as a superwoman as she carried the weight of a family that was usually reserved for an old lady. He saw through the act though. He knew how much she missed her brother. She tried to hide it behind the smiles and happy disposition, but he could see it in her eyes how scared she was for Opie in prison, wanting him to return home safe. After every visit with Jax escorting the family the six hour commute to Chino, he could tell she was barely holding it together by a thread as she had to leave her brother. Donna, and sometimes the kids, would be crying, but Kennedy was there comforting them with dry eyes as if she wasn't bothered. She was being strong for her family while Donna broke and Opie just couldn't be. He thought the only time she let anyone see her cry was at his sentencing. He remembered how it was the only time in the five years she sought comfort from anyone about the situation.
Jax remembered her tears staining a long forgotten dress shirt as he held her in his arms. All he knew then was he hated to see her cry. He always went out of his way to make sure she didn't because Kennedy wasn't a crier so when she did and let the walls she built around her fall it was a churning sight.
He knew that her fear was her brother would never return home. He even disclosed to her how they were able to secure Opie protection with the Nords, but it still didn't ease her worries.
Jax still remembered when the club found out about the existence of Kennedy Winston 9 years after her birth. Apparently Piney knocked up some junkie croweater that went by the name Peaches who was a regular at the Rogue River clubhouse and was one of Piney's favorites. The only reason Rogue River didn't suspect anything was because Peaches kept her lips sealed and didn't seem all that concerned about the paternity of her daughter. It wasn't as if Piney was the only patched member she had shared a bed with and to get child support meant going through the legal system. She was too far gone in her drug habit to realize she was indeed pregnant and it was too late to get an abortion. Peaches got sober for a good three months or at least had someone else piss for her as she realized the financial benefits of keeping her daughter that bankrolled her increasing drug habit. It was only when Peaches had overdosed on heroin, with a small malnourished Kennedy calling 911, that Piney would find out the existence of his daughter.
Jax remembered how small Kennedy looked when she arrived in Charming. She was really short with wild wavy brown hair and wide light brown doe eyes. She was dressed in a simple grey t-shirt and pair of blue jeans and black Converses. She was shy then. Didn't talk much and kept to herself as if her presence was a burden. She was an independent child – a mini adult. However, he remembered both him and Opie feeling anger towards her mother because when anyone made a sudden movement she would flinch and cowered as if they were going to strike her. It took years to break that reflex.
It took a while to coax her out of her shell and for her to eat a decent meal. Once she gained an appetite she rivaled Bobby in eating and for a while Bobby stocked up on his famous Banana Bread.
As she assimilated into Charming, Kennedy latched onto Opie quickly. Opie had no problem fulfilling the role of big brother to Kennedy despite the fact they had two different mothers. No one, not Opie, not Jax, nor anyone in the club, held anything against her because of Piney's indiscretion.
They only hit a small roadblock when Mary decided she couldn't handle the life and Piney fathering another child with another woman. She up and left and she took Opie with her.
Jax remembered finding Kennedy hiding in the corner of her closet crying her eyes out,believing she ruined a marriage. He remembered her crying about everybody eventually leaving her. He can't recall how long it took to coax her out of the closet, he just remembered thinking she was going to hyperventilate with all the crying she was doing. She was still small even for a ten year old as she curled on his chest and he made a promise to never leave her.
He never did.
Sure being 16 and at the time being wrapped up with Tara it wasn't exactly ideal having a 11 year old girl following him around, but Kennedy's presence never felt overbearing as she was stuck at the Teller – Morrow household as Piney was too far gone in a bottle of Tequila. She knew when to go and to give him space. She also knew how to cheer him up especially after one of his many fallouts with Tara. Besides once Opie was able to come back when he was 17, Jax was a little hurt that Opie became the main man in her life again.
Besides, Piney didn't know what to do with a daughter, sober or not. That often left Gemma or other old ladies to make sure Kennedy was okay, and Jax knew Opie wanted to make up for that lack of love Piney didn't give Kennedy.
Jax watched as Kennedy grew into a beautiful, smart woman. In spite of her rocky upbringing she was a model student and was a bit of a nerd as he used to tease as her face was always buried in a book. However, being a nerd didn't stop her from hitting puberty. Now longer short as she sprouted to 5' 8'', the once lanky girl filled out her shorts and tops much to her protective older brother's displeasure. He along with Opie chased guys away that would come to Teller Morrow or Piney's looking for her, which led to a lot of silent treatments from the teenager.
However, it also led to conflicting feelings inside of Jax to sprout.
Jax knew he would never cross that line.
He loved Opie and Piney too much to ever disrespect them in anyway. There were unspoken rules when it came to patches and members of family. As he watched Kennedy for five years hold down her family, he couldn't help but admire her strength. She did it all and didn't complain. Not once did he ever see her cry or break down from exhaustion. He knew that behind closed doors there were probably tears and bouts of frustration, but she held it together for her family. She kept her family together considering how Donna had iced everyone out as the years dragged on. Kennedy was the only source of communication between the Winston family and the club. Kennedy made face as the only daughter of the First 9. She helped his mom with SAMCRO functions as she knew how important it was for the reputation of the club considering how Opie was in jail because of Kyle Hobart's dumbass.
He watched her grow for five years into such a strong woman, he knows it is part of the reason he started pulling back from her in the last year and half and is why he ended up in his scam of a marriage.
As Donna had the right, so did Kennedy, in being mad and angry at the club. Yet, he never heard her utter a single word of contempt.
But now as he rides through the dark streets of Charming, the flashing red and blue lights fading, he knows that it is all going to change.
Tonight was just as any other Friday night club party. Maybe he should have seen it coming considering the botched Mayan deal with the Niner's attacking. Maybe everything was too perfect with Donna actually attending a church party and was glued to Opie's side not like he minded. It was an unconventional date night for the two. Kennedy was at home with the kids not knowing the turn of events that took place.
Jax is surprised he is even capable of driving the 15 minute ride to the Winston residence. He remembers someone, probably Donna, suggesting that they needed to call Kennedy, but Jax knew something like this couldn't be told over the phone. Jax also didn't want Unser or Hale telling Kennedy.
Jax knows this is something that needs to come from him. He just doesn't know how he is supposed to tell her something that he can't even rationalize himself.
He knows the image of his friend laying in the middle of the street motionless – the blood and gunshot wounds – in his head will forever haunt him. His heart shatters to think Donna was right there in the car, in front of Opie, who was behind her on his bike, a witness to her husband's brutal demise. Jax knows it's fucked up because Donna shouldn't have had to witness that, but he is glad Kennedy wasn't there to see her brother ripped from her life so violently.
Jax knows what it is like to see a body littered with bullets and knowing that even seeing the enemy tore apart haunts him some nights, he wouldn't want Kennedy having those same dreams about her brother of all people.
Since he met Kennedy he always wanted to shield her from pain – he and Opie both did. She lost 9 years of her life because of her deadbeat mother and he was determined she would never have to relive any of that. But he knows Opie's death is going to shatter her piece by piece. Like the superwoman she is, she won't let it show and she'll try to remain strong for Donna and the kids forgetting about herself in the process.
Kennedy's biggest fault was that she was so selfless. Kennedy took care of everybody, but who was there to take care of Kennedy?
Jax knows he has broken a dozen traffic laws, but he doesn't care. It's close to midnight and the streets are quiet allowing him to race through the neighborhoods. As he pulls into the driveway of the Winston home and parks behind Kennedy's 2003 Black Jeep Wrangler, he sees the TV is on through the blinds. The light shines through the spaces. He prays that the kids are asleep. His mind is so focused on Kennedy that he knows he wouldn't be able to comfort the kids. He knows Kennedy needs to break down first instead of pushing it outside for the others.
He suspects she probably thinks it's Opie and Donna arriving back and knowing her she probably has a bottle of water and aspirin waiting for them to chug before she shoos them off to bed.
Jax slowly gets off his bike and places his helmet on the handle bars. He wipes his face to get rid of any of the tears that may be evident on his face. Right now it is not about him, but his best friend's sister – it's about Opie's family.
As he suspects, the door is unlocked and he can hear the TV from the living room, as he pushes it open. Kennedy is sitting on the couch already in her night wear that consists of really short plaid shorts and a tank top. Her hair is down in her long waves that reach down to the edges of her breasts, that he notes are not supported by a bra. She is shocked to see him, but he knows she probably doesn't suspect anything.
She is used to late night visits from him before Opie came home. Club business doesn't run on a normal 9 to 5 schedule. There were plenty of times they both sat on that couch together with a bowl of popcorn between them as they chased away the things that haunted them.
"Hey, Jax," she greets, unaware her world is about to spin off its axis, "are they staying at the clubhouse?" It practically guts him when she smiles at him. Jax is silent as he shuts the door. He shakes his head as he tries to find his voice. The whole ride there he didn't even try to figure out what he was going to say to her.
"Is everything okay?" She questions from her place on the couch. She mutes the TV giving him her full attention.
Jax sits down on the recliner opposite from her. He can't look her in the eyes yet or he will break. His lips are already quivering and he knows his eyes are red and watery from the unshed tears. Kennedy looks at him with blatant confusion and he knows his behavior probably is scaring her. She hates when things are kept from her or people beat around the bush.
"Jesus Christ, Jax." She says exasperated from her seat on the couch. "What's wrong? Is it Wen –"
"No," Jax finally says as he takes a deep breath. At the moment he wishes it was his idiotic junkie of an ex-wife that was the problem. He pinches his eyes close wishing it was all a dream that he can wake up from. Never in a million years did he believe that he would ever have to tell Kennedy this. He didn't think that he would ever be in this situation where he would have to bury his friend in an early grave. But it was him being naïve even at 30. They all knew the risks of this life. He knew the risk. Both he and Opie knew this was a possibility that could happen to their family. "It's…It's Opie." He manages to get out.
Kennedy looks at him silently as she digests his words. She blinks her eyes a couple times. "What about him?" She whispers, her words are on edge as well as her posture. "Is he okay?"
He can tell she already knows what happened and that her brother isn't okay, but there is a part of her that wants to believe the worst case scenario hasn't happened. Her body is frozen against the couch as she waits for his answer. He sees her clutching the blanket that is next to her as a lifeline. She doesn't break her gaze from him either.
Jax looks for words that won't give away the severity. In the morning, she can know the gritty details and the damage, but right now, he knows the bare minimum will do. "He was shot. He didn't make it." As soon as the words leave his lips, her eyes become glossy.
Kennedy is quiet, the tears haven't spilled yet, but they are on the precipice. She breaks eye contact with him and her hand rubs over her lips. He observes her taking deep breathes and her fingers clutching the locket that he knows contains a picture of her and Opie inside. It was a Christmas gift Opie got her after Mary took him for that year during the custody battle with Piney. It was his way of always being with her. She kept the initial photo of their younger selves, but she recently put another more recent photo of them in there when he was released from Chino in the other half of the locket. "Wh- Is…Donna, where is she?"
"She's with Unser and Hale. My mom is with her." Jax informs her. He imagines that they will release Donna soon. She already told them how she saw a man in a black SUV drive by. It was too dark and fast to make an ID. The description, however, despite how little there was to work with indicated it was a Niner's attack. Plus, he overheard Unser saying there was also another witness that said there was only one driver in the car who shot the semi-automatic. He thinks maybe his brother didn't feel the pain. He wants to believe that despite how brutal, his brother went quickly.
Kennedy stands up from the couch, she still isn't looking at him. She looks from the window and back into a random space in the living room and then proceeds to turn the TV off. The living room is encased in darkness besides the glow from the hallway light that is left on for the kids. "I should go be there with her. I should go."
He immediately stands up to stop her. "No, Ken –"
"I need to be there, Jax." She replies as she looks at him. "I need to be there." She repeats and she still isn't crying. Her eyes are just glossed and Jax believes she is trying to deny it. She's in denial. Before she can move to the kitchen, bedroom, or wherever she plans to go, he grabs her wrist to stop her. She doesn't fight him and he can feel her trembling beneath his touch.
His hands cup her cheeks as his blue eyes lock with her light brown ones.
"Ken you need to be here." He tells her softly. "When the kids wake up, you need to be here."
The mention of her niece and nephew cracks her. Her wide brown doe eyes begin to spring tears in rapid procession. She removes herself from his hold as she runs her hands through her hair trying to compose herself and he watches as her hands flare before she begins clutching her fists. She then tries to cover her pain with her hands as she covers her eyes.
"I'm so sorry Ken." He tells her as if this was his fault or if it could balm anything she was feeling. "I'm so sorry."
Her sobs breakthrough and floods the living room. She tries to catch them before they leave her mouth and he is reminded of her being 10 years old again in that closet crying for Opie. The sight guts him to his core that they are in this situation, but Opie isn't with Mary, and he isn't in Chino, he isn't coming back this time.
"There had to be a mistake right," she says. "Are you sure he's – "
"Ken –"
"No," she cries and she shakes her head. The way she is looking at him wishing – praying – what he is telling isn't true will probably haunt him more than seeing his friend laying on the cold cement being covered with a yellow tarp. Her next words have his eyes spilling tears along with hers. Her hands connect with her chest where her necklace rests against her heart, "He just came home. I just got him back."
"I know. I know." Jax soothes and he is out of his element here.
He doesn't know what to say to make any of this better. He doesn't have any answers for her. He can only bring her into his arms wrapping her tightly in a hug. Kennedy finally breaks. Her sobs are loud and shake her whole body. She clutches him – his kutte – as a salvation as her tears stain his clothes.
