A/N: Warning: Possibly OOC. But the thing is... I feel Ten is actually much darker than the series show us. If Donna hadn't stopped him, who knows? Rose is actually much stronger than the series show us. Wihat do we have here? A broken Time Lord… and a companion struggling to survive in the life now forced upon her. More or less, a brutally separated couple.
The rating speaks for itself. But it will soon change into something less… traumatising. For now, read and please be understanding.
Disclaimer: BBC owns everything Doctor Who. Kylie (or/and whoever wrote it) owns the song the story title comes from. v
If I Can't Have You
1. Picking up the pieces on my own
Donna Noble was as much as The Doctor could take. After the woman has left, not without some badly disguised worry about what would happen to the Time Lord now that he was on his own again, he was sure of one thing. No other companion would ever take Rose's place. Not in his hearts. Not ever.
Surely, trouble was never far behind. Surely, Martha Jones has happened to be of great help on that unpleasant adventure on the moon. But no matter what, that was one adventure. One adventure only. The Doctor has never as much as thought about inviting her on board.
Instead, he kept trying to reach her. Trying and failing. Hours turned to days, days turned to months… His loneliness and despair were eating the Time Lord from inside. The TARDIS tried to help, to soothe her pilot somehow… But it was as if he were completely hollow. No more checking her circuits, no more fixing occasional errors in her systems… No more talking to her, no more caressing the coral walls. Nothing. The ship tried singing to him, tried sending him to pleasure planets… Tried to send him to several adventurous places… But when he has intentionally tried to end his life, that much was suddenly out of the question.
A Time Lord, the last one... This was supposed to bear some – even if unseen, even if barely felt - responsibility in it. However, the fact the Doctor was indeed the last of an extinct race has left him with a fairly reasonable excuse. If he left, for good, for real… he has had literally no-one above him to account to. Rose Tyler was the only person worthy of it. What of it now? She was gone. Sealed away in a different galaxy. Together with her forever. The Doctor did nothing to stop his tears from falling. It was getting harder every day.
Even though the stories about the Time Lord capabilities to survive almost anything spoke otherwise, at least according to the archives now gone forever in the planet whose destruction still haunted his dreams, these were not entirely true. The abhorred, despicable idea of simply ending it all has invaded his broken mind almost as soon as his Rose was gone.
Right after Donna Noble, the amazing, sincere, fierce woman has said her goodbyes, the idea was pushed away from his mind. The tempting chance to simply leave was always so very close. Practically at his fingertips. Knowing that, he allowed himself another adventure. The one with the exceptionally clever Martha Jones.
As soon as he was back into the TARDIS, it was back again. The wish. Unwillingly, he started constructing the possibilities. Of a suicide. Preposterous, he knew. Unacceptable. Forbidden. Wrong. Unforgivable. A sin worse than any other. But it was too late already.
The Doctor has been as much against going through immense pain as anyone. Aspirin seemed like an option, but so was jumping off a cliff, burning, drowning... If only there was one last chance to reach her. However small. If only… But it never arrived.
The Doctor was not completely uncomprehending. He understood he was being unreasonable. Understood he had to move on. But he did not, because whatever was the reason? His Rose was gone forever. No other person was even close. Not even Sarah Jane, who has somehow happened to understand everything. Even she would eventually suggest him to see a psychologist, who would then possibly suggest a visit to a psychiatrist. What then? Antidepressants?
Not in a million years.
He has called Sarah Jane Smith eventually, anyway. Because he has had no choice. The TARDIS has dialled her number for him.
"Doctor! How are things?" Sarah Jane was immediately worried. It was unusual for the Doctor to ever call her.
"I lost her."
She knew whom he was talking about at once. Understood things were bad indeed.
"Can I help?"
"She is gone. I loved her. And now she's gone."
This was worse than expected. The Doctor sounded utterly broken. It must have meant a lot for him to even call her, much less to share his woes with her.
"Should I come visit?" Because it feels you need it.
"If you want."
She did.
"Where are you?"
"London."
With his barked out, clipped answers, Sarah Jane decided to consult her computer instead.
"Great. I'll be here with you soon, Doctor."
The waiting was almost nonexistent.
"Doctor."
He turned to his previous companion, a sad smile on his lips. "You're here."
Sarah Jane almost backed away at the look on his face, one hollow and distrusting. "Doctor. How… how are you?" He was desperately in need of a shave, for one thing.
"Isn't it obvious, Sarah? My life is over."
"Don't say that!"
"I am saying that, because it is."
"You need to find yourself a distraction, that's all. A new companion, for a start!" She suggested good-naturedly.
"No. I only need Rose, and she is- she is-"
"Maybe you should try? Meeting someone else? Maybe he or she would be worthy of Rose?" Sarah Jane knew immediately that has been a very wrong thing to say.
"Not you, too, Sarah Jane. I don't care what anyone says. It's Rose I need. Rose I can't get."
She remembered. "Canary Wharf?"
He nodded.
"I am sorry, Doctor," the woman hugged him tightly. "But Rose must be somewhere above, looking at you and smiling. Encouraging you to move on."
He freed himself from her immediately. Nobody understood.
"She's not dead. Rose is lost in a parallel dimension," he sighed heavily. Apparently, that was even worse.
"So you can find her," Sarah Jane smiled at him. "Will find her eventually!" She did not risk mentioning him finding someone to travel with again.
He sighed. Nobody deserved to see him like this. "Anyway. Thank you for coming, Sarah Jane." Maybe for the last time.
She peered at him. "Don't you dare, Doctor. And look at the mirror! What would Rose say?"
He smiled at Sarah Jane almost honestly. "You are the best," he said, leading her out. Surely, a shave was in order. It couldn't hurt.
In the meantime, Rose Tyler was working her way in the so-called Pete's World. She knew it was necessary for her to get involved in something.
Learning French was something her mother has insisted upon. It seemed quite exciting… up until something as basic as allons-y happened in one of the expression-learning classes. She did not get up from her bed for weeks afterwards, crying.
Mrs Tyler herself has gone to explaining the complicated can't-tolerate-this-expression to the French teacher. The man has only shrugged, suggesting the girl tried taking private lessons instead.
When it has been revealed Peter Tyler and his wife Jacqueline had a grown-up daughter, only few were surprised. Nobody was surprised when Rose Tyler was proclaimed an heiress to the Vitex company. Rich people and their dynasties…
The girl tried everything. Even tried working for parallel Torchwood, even if the very title was making her sick. Nothing helped, not really.
"Maybe you should find a boyfriend, Rose?" Jackie kept suggesting every other day.
"No," was always her definite answer.
"Leave her alone, Jackie. She still has her boyfriend waiting for her back there." Rose was ready to hug Pete for these words alone. But this man was also responsible for causing disarray in her everyday life somewhat. He kept making her feel as if she did not fulfil someone's expectations.
Mum was not done yet. "I have been thinking, though, what if he has moved on?"
Rose stopped a sigh from escaping her lips. If he knew what was better for him, he would. But there was this thing… She somehow knew the Doctor was not ready to let go of the past. Chose not to. As if he were waiting for her to find him.
In need for some fresh air, the girl excused herself.
"Don't go anywhere near that cliff," her not-quite-Dad warned. "I don't care if the sight from there is mesmerising! Jackie has nearly got a heart-attack after being told you went there!"
"Yes, Pete. Duly noted."
Obviously, she turned straight to that place. If Rose imagined very, very hard… It almost reminded her of that one place in Scotland from many, many years before she visited with the Doctor. The misty weather was very fitting.
Meanwhile, the Doctor has come up with a decision, asking the TARDIS for one final favour. The ship knew what he needed. Knew that favour was possibly the final one not only for him… but for the old girl as well. With him not checking her systems constantly, this was only to be expected.
Choosing a young fair-haired human girl to save seemed like a decent addition to his incurable loss and torment. Donna suggested he found someone. But there has been no other reason for him to keep going. Maybe saving someone would at least justify his resolve to stop fighting what went against every rule of the universe. Any universe.
When the TARDIS landed, throwing him around the console room as if he were nothing but a toy, the Doctor realised this was it. "Wish me luck," he exhaled and left, unable to take the old girl's unhidden sorrow any more.
He did not think the place would be anywhere as plain as that. So ordinary… so… familiar. So… London. He never even looked up, suddenly in a hurry. Now, wherever was the girl that needed saving? The Doctor allowed his feet carry him up that hill. A blonde girl was standing right at the top. Two small steps to the side, and everything would be lost. The girl's life… and his last remaining purpose in his life.
The Doctor approached her quietly. "Don't do this, girl. I'm sure there is some other solution! We can always talk about it, yeah?" She gasped... and turned around to see him.
A/N. I have always wanted to write something like this, always. No matter how frightening it is. Please, say something.
