Just posted on my Instagram and twitter about " The Hero". I know fans will go hysterical when I post something. It's been too long. But according to my publicist I should have an aura of mystique around me. That make people yearn for me. Well, that is not my personal belief but then again, that's why I pay her to be my publicist, right?
Now I am on board and flying to Utah for the Sundance tomorrow. I always loved flying. Sometimes I hate the person I am becoming. Totally hating it. I wish could be go back to the time I played Donna Pinciotti, life used to be simple and carefree. I don't know what Taylor must be doing? I have ignored her text for a month now. Last time I saw her was at Kaufman Astoria Studios. That was almost a month, yes. She must be getting ready for that women's March. She is all for activism these days. I don't blame her. She needs distractions. I broke her fucking heart. It is something I have to carry with me to my grave.
Flying always reminds me of her. Not only flying but everything around me. I am human right? People must be thinking I am a cold hearted bitch, breaking poor Tay's heart. She is such an innocent, sweet soul. And she loves me. You cannot hide love right? People give me confused looks when I am with Ben. As if they can see through my soul and what a facade I am creating. Even an engagement ring cannot fool them. I don't know what he must be doing now, probably running after that Robin woman, I don't care too hoots as long as he keep up with the appearance. He loves it. He was this boring, under achieved actor, wanted to be famous by any means and when chris(Masterson) explained this little game, he was all for it.
He really looks like a potatoe. When I check Instagram posts many people describe him as a potatoe or an egg. It is funny. What a way to think of one's fiance' even though this is fake. I have to keep up my mystique and quota of lies if I am to have grander projects and approval of the church. But am I doing the right thing by keeping Tay blind about the whole thing.
I fucking love her. The way she looks at me with that smile, I know I can kiss her then and there. And her lips, so soft and warm. Fits mine perfectly. When she touches me, I feel I would pass out, such desire and passion. I reciprocated, I want to reciprocate this feeling. It is not one sided. It is very much mutual. Well, Natasha knows apart from chris. She is a good friend. She understands me. But I know she hates me for breaking Tay's heart.
I want these lies to end. I want to take control of my life. But I am not ready. I am scared. People think I am radical but I fear what people think. Although I am a hot topic amongst the LGBT community. I secretly love that. I just want to be bad ass and break the rules. But not today. This flight takes forever. Tay looked smoking hot last week in her Red dress in Switzerland. She don't know that I stalk her Instagram. But she looked sad. Poor Baby.
I should just text Taylor and wish her for the March. I care for her and I want her to know that but she is so spontaneous. She can't hide things as me. So I have to keep this secret, although how heavy it is till I am ready. Then I will break all the rules. Then I can be myself and finally find my home. Home is where love is, where love takes you. I know where my home is.
But my poor, fucking heart has to wait. (sigh)
