Without the Sun
as always, for my Gremio



No one ever chooses their fate. I suppose, if we had that choice, it would not be called fate at all. Still, I look back on the last few years and wonder why, if I had so little say in my fate, I still feel so much guilt about having been the bearer of its tide.

There are many days when I wake in a panic from a startled dream and struggle to remember why I am not in my own bed, in my own house, in my birth town of Gregminster. Some nights I even dream that I grow old and die, surrounded by everyone I care for. If dreams are the wishes of the subconscious, then surely all I want is to lead a normal life. Yet...to do so would mean I'd need to pass this burden onto someone else, and that is something I could never do. I would rather carry it to the end of the time then ask anyone else in the world to bear it instead.

I lifted my quill from the page and chewed on the end of the feather thoughtfully, blinking back a familiar sting. I could hear Gremio's footsteps in the hall outside and I sighed. He'd been keeping late hours lately, and though I would never ask it to his face, I have little doubt that it was because I had as well.

The thought of giving this rune away drags my thoughts to Ted, and my ever detailed memory recalls his face and voice to mind. The image is blurred, with the exception of his eyes. They are so crystal clear to me, even after all this time... as are Odessa's... and my father's...

I wonder how hard it was for Ted to pass it to me. Sometimes their voices speak to me, like whispers on the back of my neck...sometimes I wonder if the strength of keeping its hunger in check is slowly making me mad. I know that Gremio worries that this is the case, but lately I've refused to confide in him. He worries enough as it is.

I closed the book, slipping it into the drawer beside the bed and setting the quill back into its holder. Blowing out the single candle, I slipped beneath the light blanket on this warm summer night, curling up on my side. A single hot tear slid down my face and I fought with myself to slow my breathing and restore the inner calm I struggled for every day. A soft click let me know that someone was opening the door, but no one aside Gremio would dare disturb my room at this hour, so I did not move, preferring to let him think I was already asleep.

I could feel his presence as he came to stand beside the bed, one long and slender hand reaching out to tuck an errant strand of hair behind my ear. "Young Master..." he murmured softly, so softly I almost did not hear it. He bent closer to me, so much that I could feel his warm breath upon my face and the tickle of his long hair against my arm.

I fear the day that I have to live without Gremio... I often feel that he is the only thing that binds me to ordinary existence in this world. He chooses to remain by my side, but too often I feel guilty that he is not free to live his own life. I wonder sometimes if he wishes to find a woman, to raise a family, to live the kind of life he should have had. I could see him being the patriarch of a large and loving family.

His lips gently brushing my cheek bring me back to reality, but still I make no movement, though tears threaten at my eyes again. "Dream sweetly, Tir..." he whispers in my ear. A rustling of his cloak and the creak of the door tell me that he is gone again.

Hot tears roll down my cheeks and I muffle my sob in the pillow, praying he does not hear me. Some night, when he is asleep, I will steal off into the dark and leave him to be happy and free... but tonight I have not the courage to do it. I still need him, more than he will ever need me.