JOURNEY
As the sun starts to set, another uneventful day passes. The night grows closer and that means another night walking aimlessly alone. The lightly treaded snow crunching under my feet. People passing me by, bundled up in their warm winter clothing and mittens. Holding there loved ones tightly, enjoying the night's crisp air.
It would be cool tonight for humans, about –5. For me no temperature is too cold as my skin is ice and hard as stone. I welcome the cold, it's the only time I can feel somewhat normal. It's the thought of the cold that chills me; I walk alone with no one on my arm. No one would dare cling to my arm if they knew what I truly was.
Strangely enough it's almost spring. In a small town near Chicago, the crisp winds take longer for the days to warm and the nights extended with the lingering glow of the day. I walk searching for something or someone that I can relate to but I only know of two. Carlisle has spoke of others but I have not met them. It is not safe for me to be on my own, but I can't stand being still and looking at what I really am. I envy these warm blooded, rosy-cheeked humans. They still have warmth, they still have a beating heart, and they can love whole-heartedly with out reservation. I have none of these things. I am alone, and will be for the rest of my immortal life.
And now here I am following two innocent girls, trying to act normal as they look behind at me smiling and whispering.
"He is so handsome, his smile is beautiful", the one girl whispered to the other. But there is no need for whispering because I can hear their every internal thought. A gift that was enhanced, with my immortality.
One girl is very pretty, rosy checks from the cool night air, her hair hidden in a bonnet but a few dark tendrils fall down at the sides. Her overcoat is most likely covering a tight bodice that holds her together.
The other girl seems more interested in me, but she is hesitant. She question's my motives, "why is he following us" the rest of her thought finished in her mind, "he is defiantly to handsome for me. He must be interested in Grace" She puts her friends first and is allowing "Grace" (as spoke in her mind) to have the first attempt at me.
If they only knew that neither of them would have a shot against me. Nothing could, I am to strong, to fast, they wouldn't see what happened or see me coming. So to generate some interest in my never ending days, I say the first words to spare them the argument later.
Before they could look back at me again, I was swiftly on their side. "Good evening, ladies. Cool night, isn't it." I didn't think that her cheeks could blush any further; the cold air was already doing its job. Suddenly they turned a very bright shade of scarlet.
"Good evening to you sir, it is rather cool". Her smile was beaming at me. I could sense she inhaled my breath and it caught her off guard, a bit of a daze. I have to admit, this was one of my tricks I used to incapacitate my prey.
"So where would two beautiful girls be going on this cool night with no escort" I stated with charm. The other girl spoke, so she wouldn't be left in the shadows of her friend. "Well we were just going for a nightly walk to the park". Perfect I thought, the light was dimming and there were fewer pedestrians on the cobble stone path now. If these two girls went missing to fill my burning thirst, no one would see them. I had only hoped that they were not of importance in this tiny town. Would anyone notice them missing. I usually like to do my research but tonight I just couldn't resist my natural urges. So gladly I suggested that I escort them to the park, "you never know who's out there lurking in the shadows" I said with a smirk. Little did these innocent young girls know it was I, Edward Cullen lurking in the night.
Just as both girls smiled politely at me with interest and a slight step in my direction, a voice in the distance was heard over the sound of horse hooves. "Grace, what are you and Emma doing out so late. It's, time to go inside now". This man was escorting a carriage with a delivery in the back. He appeared to be in his forties, something I would never see in my lifetime, I was forever seventeen. This was most likely her father. Not to mention that he appeared to see my intentions a little closer than the two girls had. He knew I was going to be trouble. The man demanded both girls come along with him and they both got in the carriage and rode away. The girl named Grace looked over her shoulder and gave me a wink with one eye. I politely took of my cap and nodded. Great, now I need to find other means to satisfy this thirst burning in side of me. I sit on a bench near by my rambling thoughts overpower me.
I truly hate the sent of human blood. I hate that is draws me closer, I hate that I can hear the beat of a heart flowing rich with thick blood through the veins of their living bodies. I hate the rusty taste it leaves on my tongue, in my mouth. I hate the satisfaction it gives me to succumb to my thirst.
What choice do I have, this is what I need to survive this atrocious life style that was bestowed upon me. Don't get me wrong; I do not begrudge Carlisle for what he has done to me. He had choices to make and he has said time and time again he could not bear to see me suffer any longer. The plea from my birth mother to save me resounded in his empty soul.
He could not let me die. He saw an opportunity to build his life and family and I am honored he wanted me to be a part of it. I just have a harder time dealing with the demands of this lifestyle.
I have only been immortal for 10 years now, and that is still very young. I am still learning how to control my self, my natural urges. It's unfathomable to believe that killing a human being is now a natural urge for me, normal behavior.
I have few memories of my human years, before my "new birth" as I call it. The memories are beginning to fade vaguely in to my forgotten memory. I can recall times when hearing the melodies of the piano calmed me and soothed my soul. This was one memory I held tight in my none-existent heart about my mother. She had such a beautiful ear for music, a natural ability. I would sit beside her and just stare and listen at the captivating sound of music the piano made. It was a vessel for her to express her self and she beamed with joy and love when she would play.
She was teaching me how to play just before we became ill with Spanish influenza. It tares me apart to think I will never see her play again in my life. I have tried to recreate the most beautiful lullaby's she had written. I only seem to sit and stare at the ivory and onyx keys. Now all I can compose are ominous tones, noise, racket, and dissatisfaction.
I think of Carlisle here in this moment; he is now my family, my father. We have new memories to compose, memories I will never forget. I only hope that one day I can be like him, but it appears to be an unattainable goal. He is a good man; he is a man of medicine. He still to this day treats patients and try's to save the lives of these humans we co exist with. It's hard to understand his control, his compassion for them.
He was alone, just as I sit here with the same feelings. He couldn't possibly drift through this existence unaccompanied any longer; he had already survived more than 200 years of solitude. When he turned me it broke his heart. He felt partly selfish in his reasons for changing me. The first, he couldn't bare the thought of living alone any longer, he longed for a family.
Second, it was my dying mothers wish to save me, anyway Carlisle could. I believe my mother had a sense of knowing things that others might not ever question. I think she knew what Carlisle was, and it calmed her some how. Maybe the thought that I would never die was what appealed to her. To understand her son would live forever.
I believe this is where my gift of reading minds came from, my mother. One day Carlisle said that when some are changed we can bring a gift with us from our human life. It appeared my talent was enhanced with immortality.
Days later Carlisle was forced to make another choice, Esme. She was brought straight to the morgue. She was found at the bottom of a hillside by passing workers. It was very steep and her broken bloodied body lay at the bottom. No one ever found out if it was an accident or perhaps Esme's secret desire. She was pronounced dead at the scene.
Carlisle was performing rounds at the hospital that evening, that's when he saw her. To his surprise, he was drawn to her beauty. How could anyone see the beauty in a bloodied body one might ask, but that's how strong Carlisle's compassion truly is. He always looked at these horrific scenes and thought how can I change this. He was leaning in to examine the body and it hit him, he could smell the sent of her flowing blood. It was very week but it was still pulsing through her body. She was believed to be dead; no one came to claim her, if she disappeared would anyone notice. It was a safe choice.
In that moment, and a desire for companionship, Carlisle brought Esme to life. It would be a new life with a new beginning and no end. She awoke 3 days later. When her eyes opened to see Carlisle standing beside her waiting patiently, she smiled at him and said thank you. At that moment she was given a husband, and a child.
Lost in my thoughts, a tiny snowflake landed on my hand and just as it should melt at the touch of warm skin, it remains intact on my cool hand. I wipe it away furiously and realize I will never again know the touch of warm skin. Only the feeling of warmth with a fresh kill will stay in my memory now. This brings me back to the present moment, the reason I am out hunting this evening. My thirst.
Somehow I hear Carlisle voice in my head, is his compassion wearing off on me. I'm not close so they are not current thoughts. It's the quiet voice of concern I have heard before. He truly wishes I would try harder to change my diet. I have tired, maybe not hard enough. I hate the disappointment I see in his eyes when I return. I don't need to say a single word to him; he always knows what I have done.
Carlisle and Esme have chosen another diet. Esme has been practicing it for about 8 years now. They only feed on the blood of animals. With Carlisle there was only one exception. I believe this is how he can treat patients at the hospital. Will power aside there is always the burning desire to devour human blood. I don't know how he resists. I have never seen Carlisle taste human blood in my presence and I believe I never will.
It was not Carlisle's choice to live this existence. His father was a man of God, an Anglican pastor. His father believed something was living in the sewers of London and it was evil. He was often involved in the hunt for witches, werewolves and vampires. He fell ill and demanded his son take his place in the fight. He was an intolerable man however; Carlisle did not want to disappoint him so he reluctantly accepted. At 23 he lead an army of vigilantes into the dark streets and sewers of London.
Carlisle had done some research, staying out late trying to catch a glimpse of the infamous creatures. He located a group, and led the hunt towards them. There were only a few; during the hunt they all got away except one.
Carlisle ran trying to catch the monster. He eventually caught up to it. Not because he out ran the beast, it was because the beast was thirsty. He turned and charged towards Carlisle, he was helpless. The speed and desire of his blood was too strong for Carlisle to defend against and he lost the battle, he was left in the streets to die. Carlisle had enough strength to drag his beaten and lifeless body into a pile of rotting potatoes to hide for fear of what he might become.
He waited for days to wake and when he did, he wished, he had died that night in the street. He didn't understand the burning thirst that was building in side of him. However his new instincts took over. The first thing he encountered was man sitting on a stoop with a bottle in hand. The man was not conscious and smelled liquor. Carlisle could not control his "natural desire"; the blood lust was too strong. The warm scent of the blood pulsing through his body was over whelming. Being uncontrollable was not something Carlisle was accustomed too. However he acted on his desire and he killed the only human he has ever spoke of.
From that night on he could not bear the thought of killing any thing again. He has always had the desire to save what is living. Starting with humans, to animals to the smallest insect that passed him by.
He had to make sacrifices if he would survive this life, if you could call it a life. He chose to only feed on animals that were over populated, trying to ensure no suspicions would be aroused.
Emse took to this diet more easily that I have. I think it's her desire to please Carlisle. She has irrevocably fallen in love with Carlisle.
From the moment she opened her eyes she was in love. I believe Esme never experience love in her human life, it's hard to believe because she has the ability to love everything and everyone. Even in our world. You can see the way she looks at Carlisle she is unconditionally in love with him. Their bond in indescribable. I envy what they share and crave that same affection.
If only I could truly feel love. I never had a chance to experience the feeling and probably never will. The only love I have received was from my mother, a maternal love. I will never have the chance to know what undying love is. When will the day come I might have someone in my life? I sit here under the moonlight and ponder the thought.
I stood to my feet not realizing the amount of snow that has gathered on my boots. How long had I sat here. That's the thing with immortality time means nothing anymore. It is endless.
So I stand and start walking back to our home. With Carlisle so heavy in my thoughts tonight, I will behave. As I pass the country hillside, I can be sure no one is around now and so I take a leap into the forest and look for tonight's meal. In the last 10 years the only thrill I enjoy of this life is running. It makes me feel alive, somehow human.
As I start to run I catch the sent of dear, I followed it to the frozen stream and attacked. This would have to do; I will not take a human life tonight.
But just as I am about to sink my razor sharp teeth in to my nightly meal, a noise in the distance distracted me. Usually my sight is nearly perfect, like a cat in the night but I can't make out what it is. What is approaching so fast? I drop the half dead animal and hide behind a tall oak tree. I will have to linger here until I can see what it is. Maybe it will be the juicy blood of a human, I can only hope, the dear wasn't satisfying me.
