There Will Be Seven

Part I: Introduction to Revolution

November 1, 2015, 18:50 pm

The ticking from the wall clock has slowed, and Jeff feels his heart beat with each heavy movement of the second hand until both time and, for a moment, his heart, stop.

Abed found Summer in front of him after a quick scan around the table, and they've been staring at each other for a minute, their body language not denying attraction.

Summer's bag slips off her shoulder as she inches closer.

Abed intently studies her face.

Her breathing is stilted and labored.

"What's happening?" Craig Pelton loudly whispers to Jeff.

"I think they're doing internal voice overs." Jeff whispers back.

"Summer doesn't do that. She plays soundtracks in her head." Bob joins in.

Craig Pelton raises his eyebrows. An idea rocket had just taken off in his head.

"Your name's Summer?" Abed finally speaks, the spell still unbroken. Jeff recognizes his smolder in Abed's voice.

"It's Jennifer." Her voice still clipped but dropped a register.

"Whatever your name is, you look like the girl of my dreams."

Jeff expects Summer to wince at this, but she holds her ground.

Bob fidgets in his seat.

"You must be Abed." A smile creeps up the corner of her lips.

"And 'Summer'?" He asks.

"A lot of the Browncoats at school call me that. They tell me I look –"

"Like River Tam?"

"Firefly's my favorite show." She says, her voice dropping a few registers more.

"And Summer Glau's the girl of my dreams."

"Funny. You read like a Kaylee person."

"Kaylee's my reality. That doesn't mean you can't be."

She licks her lips, then casts a sideways glance at Jeff.

"Are you, uh, enrolled at Greendale?"

"Should I be?"

The Nipple Dippers watch Summer and Abed's elaborate sidestepping.

What the hell is he DOING all googley eyed on this girl when we're right here?!

Abed grins at Jeff from over Summer's shoulder.

Everybody around the table erupts. Frankie is finally unglued to her seat. Britta runs around the table to give Abed a hug. Craig Pelton slides off the table to fall in line for Abed's welcoming hug party.

Jeff bristles.

Abed comes home, and the first person he feels the need to talk to is an outsider?

"Where's Annie?" Came Frankie's question.

Where's Annie?!

She's not with him?

Jeff abruptly turns around and scans the area near the door.

Maybe she's still outside, left with the luggage, and she's the one lugging them into The Vatican.

He better check –

"Shut it, Pelton."

"She's not here." Abed says.

He beams at Craig Pelton, and they shake hands…

…Abed's hand slides up, and Craig Pelton mirrors his movement.

They drop them in fists at the same time, bumping them onto each other on the second fall, following through to each other's shoulders, and giving each other a squeeze on the butt cheek.

Craig Pelton covers his mouth as he gasps and stumbles into his seat beside Jeff. Abed studies his hand and then looks at Craig Pelton in wonder.

"Where's Annie, Abed?" Jeff finally stands up and grabs Abed by the shoulder.

"She's not here."

"Annie's not coming home?" Britta asks, sincerely concerned.

"What?!" Jeff was already shaking Abed.

"Where's Annie, Abed?" Frankie asks again.

"I just said she's not here twice. Stop shaking me, Jeff. I'm jetlagged and my brain hurts."

Jeff finally comes to. He's beside himself with everything that's going on.

Bob and Summer Waite are still in the room with them.

Craig Pelton just got a cooler secret handshake from Abed.

Abed arrives from Chicago.

…And Annie's not with him.

This was not the deal…

But it's half of it, and he should still be happy. Abed will tell them what happened…wouldn't he?

Jeff calms down.

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry…I'm really sorry. It's just – it's been too long."

Jeff looks Abed in the eye then reels him in.

"God I missed him…so much."

Jeff holds Abed a little tighter than he'd intended to.

Four months of bottled-up anticipation and Abed finally comes home to unscrew the cork.

Bob, Summer, and the other Nipple Dippers grimaced at Craig Pelton.

"Really?" Jeff releases Abed and scowls at Craig Pelton.

"Was that too much? Too much? Okay." Craig Pelton steps back.

Jeff tries to get back to Abed's welcome hug.

"It's awkward now." Abed says, flatly.

"Yeah." Jeff gives him a lopsided smile.

"Welcome home, buddy." He points at Abed. Abed connects his finger with Jeff's, and he smiles at him. Jeff tries but fails to disguise the lump in his throat.

The rest of the Nipple Dippers burst into a collective 'awwwww' and huddle in for a group hug.

To Summer, this is strange.

The dynamic in the room shifted when this man walked into the room. The edge around Jeff Winger softened, and when that happened the others seemed awash with great relief and...what was it? Love?

There was love in the room. It was bordering on creepy, but there it was.

She wondered who Annie was and how different all of that would be if she walked into the room with Abed.

She looks back at Bob, and he seems to be taking all the love in the room a bit differently. She's not one to revel in sop, but she's not there to tarnish it either.

Something tells her she should drag Bob out of The Vatican before he gets any ideas.

Summer makes eye contact with her brother and jerks her head towards the door.

"Summer."

Abed calls after her.

When Bob and Summer turned around, they were almost out the door. Her eyes were on Jeff.

"I'm not free this Saturday, Abed…"

She's waiting for him.

Though still hesitant, Jeff concedes and nods at Summer.

"…but I'll see you soon." She said before they walked out.

They watch them disappear out the door.

Abed pointed to it.

"That was Bob. Were you in the middle of a grift?"

"Yup. And I'm going on a date with Summer." Britta seemed proud of it, then not so.

"Chang's not here."

"Oh. Ben? Chief Starr and the Raiders of the Galaxy has actually gone viral in Colorado, and some L.A. hotshot who caught wind of it sent a limo for Ben Chang to star in a Bradley Cooper superhero movie as a sidekick. Bradley Cooper personally insisted he wanted Ben Chang for the part. Can you believe he finally agreed to do it?" Craig Pelton eagerly reported.

"Bradley Cooper?"

"No. Ben Chang. There have been several limos driving into Greendale in the past couple of months, but he's just turning them down. He was waiting for you, but you never came like Jeff said you would. He's missing Annie, especially."

Abed was silent all of a sudden.

Craig Pelton realizes his mistake.

Britta frowned at Craig Pelton.

"What about Annie?" Frankie asked again.

"Are you comfortable with this? My head's spinning. I want to go home." Abed points at each and every one of them.

"Slumber party? Slumber party? Slumber party? Slumber party?"

Craig Pelton shimmies.

Britta does her awkward dance.

Frankie shakes her head with regret.

"I'm sorry. My sister's condition prevents me from participating in fun stuff you guys do beyond 7 p.m. unless it's an emergency." Her words now slobbering with regret.

"I can step in for a minute, though?" She adds. Abed smiles, and they all head for the door.

Jeff wraps an arm around Abed. Craig Pelton follows close behind. "Shotgun!"

Jeff scowls at him.

"Orrrr not. I'm riding with Frankie and Britta. Yayyyyyy…" Craig Pelton sarcastically yips as he slows down and clumsily pivots his way back to the two women.

"Okay, you've got to tell me something about 'the twins'. Jeff keeps calling them that like a lunatic in these monologues." Frankie whispers to Craig Pelton loudly, which clearly has become their thing now, after she's sure that they're out of earshot.

"Haven't you been reading the 'Grams, Frankie?" Britta shakes Craig Pelton's phone at Frankie.

"The twins. You know? Luke and Leia." Craig Pelton says matter-of-factly.

Frankie shoots blanks at him.

"Star Wars?" Craig Pelton looks at her like she's stupid, for the first time.

"You mean the incest twins?"

"No, I meant the twins that tried to eat each other in vitro. OF COURSE IT'S THE INCEST TWINS. Are there any other twins in Star Wars?"

"There're lots of them, actually." Britta began, but eventually caught herself.

"I Yahoo! stuff, okay?"

Craig Pelton rolls his eyes.

"Jeff's been trying to figure out what their 'thing' was and finally figured it out."

"'Thing'?" Frankie asks.

"You know? The 'thing'? Like Troy and Abed…oh wait…Oh this is so hard to explain."

"You mean 'chemistry'?" Frankie gambles.

"Yyyeeeeeeeeeenot quite." Craig Pelton crumples his face.

"You know, when you look at them and sometimes you cringe because they're getting to be cute together that it's creepy even when it shouldn't be…this is so hard to explain with you not knowing Troy and Abed."

Frankie's face finally displays recognition.

"Oh, that…I was wondering what that thing was with them…it's weird, right? I mean…it's me who's weird. I can't help feeling that way."

"You two should excavate your white butts from your racist past. This is the New World, people. They have learned to coexist without getting at each other's throats. It's perfectly normal for a half-Palestinian guy to sneak into the room of a Jewish girl he knows to film her in her sleep in the middle of the night."

Meanwhile, outside…

"Are you going to tell me where Annie is, or is your silence telling me that she's not coming back?"

Jeff finally asks.

"I didn't say she's not coming back. I said she's not here."

"Then where is she?"

"In Chicago."

"And?"

"She's pregnant."

"WHAT?!"

Back inside The Vatican…

"WHAT?!" Craig Pelton covers his mouth. Frankie is really worried.

Britta looks like she's going to cry.

"Oh my god…I tried really hard to make sense of that but I can't. I tried to look at it from different angles, but it's so creepy that Annie knows and she's fine with it. There's consent. It's okay right? It's supposed – who am I kidding? It's so weird…it's so, so weird."

She fans her eyes with her hands, and the two reach out from a distance to comfort her with pats on the shoulder.

Outside, with Jeff and Abed…

Abed blinks at Jeff.

"You believed that?"

"I don't know what to believe anymore."

"You remember that cat in Alien?"

"The jump scare?"

"That's what that was. This conversation is getting stale, Jeff. What did you want to get out of your questions? I'm guessing the same as everyone else. Let's go home. Then I'll tell everyone about Annie and Chicago. I don't want to repeat myself in this condition. In the mean time, I'm thinking of luring Frankie in with a blanket fort."

"You know she has a sister with special needs, right, Abed? She needs to be home."

He catches himself pulling Abed into reality again.

"Then maybe her sister will enjoy the inside of the blanket fort, too. You haven't met her, have you?"

Jeff clenched his teeth, not quite sure what to make of this incarnation of Abed.

But Abed is caring. He's starting to care about Frankie, too.

"Okay." He says, opening the door to the passenger seat and letting Abed in.

Back in The Vatican…

Britta waves at Frankie and Craig Pelton as they leave because her boss reeled her in after catching her trying to slip out.

Jeff was just pulling away from the curb when they'd stepped out.

"I think Abed's creepiness is spilling onto Jeff, as well." Frankie assesses as she opens the door to her car.

Craig Pelton shrugs this off.

"It took Jeff Winger six years to care, so…"

"What is it with this group of people? I feel so out of place without Annie here, and now she's not coming back."

She starts the car and waits for it to warm up. Craig Pelton takes pause and then clears his throat.

"Do you like Annie, Frankie?"

"Yeah."

Frankie faces Craig Pelton and recognizes a question mark she'd been seeing on men's faces. She sighs.

"My sexuality is a myth that Jeff Winger created to explain why I'm not head-over-heels with him as he's used to with other women. You know the situation at home, Craig. I can't afford distractions…and Jeff Winger's exactly the type with whom I could be extremely distracted."

"And that is?"

"He's a reasonably aged man who knows what he wants and gets results…sometimes…he's like that sometimes… recently he's into overdrive…Haven't you read Fifty Shades of Gray?"

Craig Pelton raises his hands and looks out the window as Frankie pulls out.

"And besides, anyone can tell he's really into Annie. He's ready for Greendale Annie, not a full-grown Annie. He's forty-one and his definition of 'head' is still stuck in his penis."

"Ohohohohoooooookay. We get it."

"It's been six years, and some of them are enrolled for longer, and it appears that they don't have any intention leaving. Everyone in that school is in suspended animation, Craig. Each and every student is willing to go along with this, and so is the faculty. And what is this obsession with paintball? It's not only Jeff that's become mentally unhealthy. It's everyone. And if Annie's really coming back, then so is she."

Craig Pelton tries to keep calm, a little offended but affable.

"Okay, this is something that you don't understand about the school that Jeff has kindly entrusted to you to take care of with him. Greendale will never leave you because that's just the way it is. It's a school that gives hope to misfits like Abed or rejects like Jeff, and it sucks you in like a very comfortable, worn out couch. It's a friend that laughs at you when you poop your pants but defends you to the death when someone who's not does. Nobody's ready to leave it behind because it's the first place that anybody has ever felt really welcome. It's not perfect, but it's home to most of them, if not all. Now why would you want to leave home when it's like that?"

Frankie slows down.

"You don't."

"For growth. You want to grow…but when the conditions out there are too harsh, you know you have a place to come back to where you feel safe. You know that even when you're out there, someone will still be here, looking out for you."

Frankie clenches her jaws, trying to hold her emotions at bay.

"Look, I'm not always a fountain of wisdom, but I'm telling you, let Greendale be itself and just give it a little nudge when it's starting to hurt itself or something. It's not forcing you to be someone else, is it?"

Craig Pelton looks at her. He's serious and sincere, pointing at his heart, then his head.

"Trust me, wherever you are, Greendale will never leave you because it's the first place you've ever felt welcome your whole life."

"Craig…I –"

Frankie's welling up.

"Oh, were you impressed by that? Thank god. I was preparing that ditty for after graduation and when I get reinstated as the dean. I mean, I like seeing Jeff in his $6,000 three-piece suit everyday, but ooh lordy, the heart can only take so much …"

Craig Pelton quietly chuckled and returns to gazing dreamily out the window.

They drove in silence.

Frankie's affected by Craig Pelton's speech.

When she'd walked into that study room, she thought she had everything figured out. The job doesn't pay much, but it's extra. She'll breeze through this in a semester.

She thought she'd seen every school, and she will know what needed fixing. But this was a school that did not want to be fixed.

It miffed her.

Or maybe that was the deep seated frustration she's having with a sister that she knew she couldn't fix.

But everyone at Greendale understood that, and they did not pressure her into getting results like everyone else did. There are laws in America that understood her situation and somehow this school of crazy people is the only one that upholds them despite their ignorance of them.

And besides she's never had friends before.

It seems the Winger effect is real...and frankly not that bad.

Craig Pelton's phone rings.

"It's Jeffrey. He's telling us to go get your sister."

"What?"

"You heard me. We're taking your sister to a slumber party."

Frankie steps on the brake.

"FRANKEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Craig Pelton screams as he clenches at his chest.

"I thought I was going to die there for a second."

"Wh – are – I –"

She couldn't hold it in. She leaned onto the wheel and let out a really disturbing honk. Craig Pelton was about to tell her that she's leaning into the horn of the car when he realizes that it's just how she cries.

He's a little embarrassed, but he undoes his seatbelt and reaches across to comfort her.

"I wanted to go to that slumber party so baaaaaaaaaaad."

"We know."

"And my sister hasn't been invited to one like ever in her life."

"We know."

"This is the best night of my life."

"And knowing Abed, it's going to get better."

Frankie falls into Craig Pelton as he comforts her.

"There, there frigid hag. There, there."

Meanwhile, Jeff stands in front of the door to Apartment 303. Abed's waiting, but Jeff's a little giddy.

"Are you ready, buddy?" He says, grinning like his life depended on it.

"Yes, Jeff."

"Okay!"

Jeff inserts the key to the apartment and opens it wide for Abed to see.

Abed steps in and stands there for a moment, taking everything in…

…Then he does what Jeff never expects him to do…

He brays.

"Hah. Hah. Not funny, Abed."

Abed clenches at his clothing as he continues braying. He slams his foot on the door.

"Abed…?" Jeff's grin falls to nervous teeth-gritting.

Abed convulses and falls to the ground.

"Are you improvising again?"

Abed brays as he writhes and shakes his head. He clenches at it and starts hitting it.

No. This is serious.

He's having a meltdown.

Jeff hurriedly throws in every bag that Abed brought, apparently including Annie's, and quickly shut the door.

He dials Craig Pelton.

"Where are you?"

"We're on our way…what's that sound?"

"Abed's having a meltdown."

"SAME! EVERYTHING'S THE SAME!"

He hears Craig Pelton echo his message to Frankie. There was a faint sound of screeching tires and Frankie barking choppy, digitized commands at him.

"Frankie says…to keep him away from sharp corners. Move the furniture if you must…She says you should find something soft for his head. Is he convulsing?"

"He's hitting himself on the head."

"Frankie says keep his hands from doing that. Don't lock him down…just push his hand away whenever he does."

Jeff is trying his best to calm down as he complies.

He hears the screeching of the tires from a distance…

Then a clamoring of metal on the curb…

He hears the front door kicked in and a pair of heels echoing through flights of stairs.

Frankie rushes in through the door and falls beside Abed, still braying and hitting himself.

"EVERYTHING'S THE SAME! IT'S THE SAAAAME! IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!"

Frankie gently pushes Abed's hands away from him when he starts to hit himself. She pulls him closer to calm him down. Abed clings on to her, nails almost digging into her flesh, but she keeps calm.

Abed stops braying and buries his face in her.

Craig Pelton finally enters the room with Frankie's sister.

"How is he?"

"Just a little more." Frankie says, almost to herself.

When they held meetings on Abed's and Annie's return, Jeff appointed Frankie to handle all Abed affairs whenever Annie's not around. It seems he made the right decision.

If he'd selfishly left himself in charge, he would probably be having a meltdown there with him.

He spots Frankie's sister and entertains her as Craig Pelton scans through the shelves for Abed's hot cocoa mix.

"Craig, he can't have that."

Craig Pelton gets a glass of water.

Abed is sitting up when Craig Pelton walked over to them.

"Abed, what was that about?" Frankie frankly asked him.

Abed looked around again, a little disoriented, but calm, almost stoic.

"Everything's the same."

Jeff sat Frankie's sister down.

"We tried to keep the place intact for when you come back."

"Britta was supposed to mess up…I prepared myself for that. Not this."

Frankie and Craig Pelton help him up.

"I was forced to adapt to a lot of changes in Chicago. Annie was patient when I had these almost every day during the first two weeks. If I had been with anybody else, Chicago would have been a disaster."

Abed smiles as he looks around and spots Frankie's sister. He comes over to greet her, and everything was fine again.

Jeff and Craig Pelton scours the apartment for sheets while Abed chats up Frankie and her sister.

When the blanket fort had been set and the pillows fluffed up, they settled down and Abed tells them of tales of Annie and Abed in Chicago.

Abed tells them of their eight weeks in improv class at The Second City, and how they'd enjoyed it so much they decided to take another one, which was why they took longer than they anticipated. They'd gone to Lollapalooza. They'd watched a dozen Cubs games. They'd gone to one where they were a stone's throw away from Bill Murray. They'd gone to see Hanson in concert just to see if it really was them and enjoyed themselves.

Abed told their story like he'd never left Riverside.

So it was over in thirty seconds.

"Wow…I mean…It won't fit in one Twitter post, but...really? Annie would have spent the whole night telling stories." Jeff squinted at Abed.

"She's not here because we took an internship at the FBI." Abed said, matter-of-factly.

"'We'? YOU took an internship at the FBI?"

"Was that sarcasm? You can't believe I could get an internship at the FBI? I'm a computer, Jeff. They kidnap people like me to work for them."

That shut him up.

"You kept texting about all the upgrades at Greendale, we felt the pressure. I know Annie bluffed she would be doing her internship in Washington, but she got in easily in Chicago. She felt it a better environment to train in, too. She realized she liked the grit. She didn't want to leave me alone at home, so she took me there for fun, but we both got in."

"You're telling me you've been reading my texts, but you didn't even bother to answer?"

Abed's oblivious that that pissed him off.

"Yeah. We read everything. Including those pages Craig Pelton posted on Facebook."

"And?"

"We literally didn't know what to say. When I said 'be ready', I meant 'emotionally ready', but this…this was more than I – we could have hoped for. We would come home, and everything would be ready for us…but what about us? We were going to Rickroll City College on their foundation day. That's the level of crazy we were in. But you thought of something better. So Annie has a few more days left in combat training -"

"Combat training?!" Frankie coughed out.

"Yeah. Jeff texted he was doing parkour classes. You know how she is. She gets competitive. You wouldn't want to play punchies with her. Even Jeff's biceps won't stand a chance."

Abed takes his hoodie off and lifts his sleeves.

There were healing bruises on his arms.

Craig and Frankie cringed. Jeff didn't know how to react. He's envisioning Xena the Warrior Princess kicking down the door instead of Annie coming home.

"What did you do?" Frankie asked.

"Recon. They called me 'Arrgh to DITU' because they really don't get my references though they're mostly kind because of Annie. They like Annie…or scared of her. I can't compete with Annie in hand-to-hand combat, but we've become pretty good shots."

"But you don't do parkour." Jeff looks around the blanket fort, gloating.

"We don't, but you'd want to see Annie do her laser tripwire security dodging routine. It's been one of the highlights of my stay in Chicago. The boys at the HQ were playing with her when they told her it's homework. Then the guys tell me to film her while she's doing it. She strips to her skivvies quite often."

Jeff visibly gulped. Frankie raises her eyebrows and looks at Craig Pelton.

"Abed!"

They didn't realize Britta had snuck into the fort.

"Hey Britta."

"You realize that's sexual harassment, right?"

"I didn't say I did it."

"But you still took advantage of her?"

"'Homework' is a trigger word for Annie. Once she hears it, she'll obsess over it, and then she'll do it. It's Annie's 'thing'. You don't mess with 'thing's, otherwise you'll break people. I woke up one night trying to get a glass of water, then when I opened the door there was yarn everywhere. It's happened ever since, so we made a deal. We have Tripwire Tuesdays. She lets me set up her playground. That way I determine how much space she can cover. She would want to do that here, too, so never agree to setting her ball of yarn up unless I'm here. Otherwise you need to have a bottle to pee in ready."

"Can we have another slumber party when she comes home?"

Jeff croaked.

Abed winks as he points at Jeff and clicks his tongue. Then he turns to Britta.

"Thanks for looking after the apartment, Britta."

Frankie's sister had curled up beside Abed. He puts his arm around her.

"She likes you, Abed." Frankie smiles.

"Me, too." Abed nods.

"How is she with sugar?" He asks Frankie.

"Not at this time, Abed."

Abed rubs her shoulder. "We'll have my Special Drink some other time, okay?"

"Okay." Frankie's sister says.

"Sorry about those, Frankie." He pointed at the nail marks on her arm.

"This is nothing. I deal with these things every day."

"Have you ever thought of enrolling her at Greendale? She can maybe take pottery or tap dance classes." Abed looks at Frankie's sister.

Frankie looks at Abed and then at Craig Pelton, and then at Jeff. He smiles and shrugs.

It was warm inside the blanket fort, and when everyone looked around they knew they were glad to be there. They were thankful that Abed came home.

"Abed, about Summer -" Jeff segued.
"Jennifer Riley. She's Bob Waite's sister. She teaches Asian Cinema at City College."

"Taught."

"Teaches."

"You know that?"

"Frankie sent me her findings before Summer even left The Vatican."

Jeff looked at Frankie.

"That was quick."

"All Abed affairs, right?"

"This is blowing my mind right now. You guys are making me so happy, I think I came a little."

Frankie winces at this. Everyone else was sort of used to it.

"Please, not in front of my sister, Abed."

"I'm covering her ears, see?" Abed flaps his arms to show that his hands are on Frankie's sister's ears, which she seems to enjoy.

"She still teaches at City College?" Jeff asked.

"Her program HAS BEEN dissolved, but she has floating faculty status because of her bond. So technically, she's still with City College. She's contractually obligated to hold onto the post unless -" Frankie says.

"Unless someone plucks her out of her contract through piracy."

"Yes."

"And Bob Waite?"

"Well, Bob Waite is trying to sweet talk you into doing that for his sister…with other perks, of course…and you sort of agreed to it…in a moment of weakness. Bob gets around. If you don't push through with the deal, he'll threaten you with what he knows."

"I know how the guy operates."

"For whatever he sells that information to City College, it's definitely not just going to be access to porn sites at the office this time. You don't want Bob on their side when he knows Greendale like the wrinkles on his forehead."

"Bob may do that to spite me, but Spreck?"

"The Greendale 7 has constantly foiled his plans to bring Craig Pelton down. Craig may not be the dean now, but you are, and you're de facto leader of the Greendale 7. You're grudge-by-proxy."

"Surely there are universities that have learned of Summer's qualifications?"

"That's true."

"Then why not go off state? They'll be showering her with gifts just to get to her. Why Greendale?" Jeff looks at Abed and Frankie.

"She has separation anxiety." Abed says.

"She doesn't agree with Bob's methods, but she can't be separated from him…for good reason." Frankie adds.

"It's like those two were born for Greendale." Craig Pelton thought aloud.

"And Bob can't move off-state for Summer?"

"Greendale's the only school that still swings with his methods, Jeff. Other schools want results without the underhand transactions. He's backed in a corner, but he's still fighting."

"Why haven't we fired that guy all these years if he's going to bring us trouble?"

"It's difficult to pin him down. He's not always in campus."

They fall silent.

Jeff shoots a nervous look at Britta.

"Britta, you're going on a date with Summer this Saturday."

"Got it."

Jeff finds this most unbelievable.

"You do?"

"You want me to butter her up so she spits out some stuff you want to know. So what DO you want to know?"

They throw a nervous glance at Abed. His jaws are clenched, but otherwise, he seemed okay. He's probably thinking she'll mess the op up anyway.

"Talk about Abed. Talk about film school and be genuinely interested in it. Got it?"

"Got it."

"While you're at it, ask about City College and their 'stance on gun control'."

"Of course everybody's against it, Jeff. Have you been watching the news lately?"

"Laws and public opinion are two very different animals, Britta. This is Colorado. People can say they condemn gun possession and that they don't like seeing people get hurt because of guns, but they'll still carry them around because the law says they can, even without a license."

"I'll think of something."

"We're still talking about paintball, right?" Craig Pelton throws a concerned question bomb in the middle of the fort.

Jeff shoots him a manic grin.

"Of course, Craig…of course."

Craig Pelton casts a knowing glance at Frankie.

"Then ask about Bob, where he usually hangs out." Jeff continues.

"Are you really firing Bob?" Britta asks

"Greendale needs results without the underhand transactions, too, right?"

"You're going to cross Summer."

"Summer's semi-kicked out of City College and needs a job, and Bob doesn't do his very well without palm grease."

"There's a chance you're triggering another City College assault on Greendale if you fire Bob. You just gave him the right cards to play." Frankie cautioned.

"I know."

"That's insane, Jeff."

"Then it's time to go crazy."

Jeff looks at Abed.

Craig Pelton slaps Jeff clean across the face and shakes him really hard.

"SNAP OUT OF IT WINGER!"

Abed hides Frankie's sister's face while Craig Pelton deals with Jeff. Frankie and Britta look on as if this was SOP.

When Jeff seemed okay, Craig Pelton stops and sits back.

"What was that about?" Abed surveys everyone, wide eyed.

"Jeff almost jekylled." Craig Pelton explained.

Abed brows are still creased.

"I coined that term." Britta cleared her throat and held her chin up.

"Unfortunately she did…after spelling it to mean 'heckled' in Spanish." Frankie said, almost to herself.

"It's a condition that's spread among Greendale students after Jeffrey has instated impromptu paintball battles to purge pent up stress and anxieties…Purges…that's what they're called. You know how everyone is when these games start, but now it's become official. What you've witnessed is Jeffrey on the verge of jekylling. When he calls me 'Craig', that's sort of my cue to snap him out of it, or else he'll shoot someone."

"That's nuts."

"It is, Abed." Frankie sighs.

" It's a serious aftereffect we had to address at the guidance office for almost a month since the semester started. The school's sort of normalized now. Most of the students and the faculty jekyll on command, but it's different for Jeff. When he jekylls, which is still involuntary, that's usually everybody's cue to cease fire."

"Because he shoots them all?"

"With a BB rifle. Not just the paint variety. Steel BB pellets."

"That's how paintball battles end in Greendale now?"

"No. They're usually timed for 10 minutes."

"That's Jeff's limit before he steps out with a gun himself." Britta says.

"If they don't cease fire, somebody gets hurt..." Frankie says in disbelief.

"Jeffrey walks out of the dean's office in a three piece suit and an automatic BB rifle like Pacino. So when somebody close to the dean's office hears the click of his Italian leathers during the paintball window, they just yell 'The Dean's coming!' Nobody's messed with The Dean's suit ever since." Craig proudly tells Abed.

Abed looks at Jeff, a tad worried but in awe.

"Someone has to keep your rioters in line." Jeff told him.

Abed shakes his head and grins.

"You're pushing all the right buttons in my cockpit, Jeff Winger."

Jeff points at Abed. Abed connects his finger with Jeff's.

Craig Pelton nervously chortles.

Frankie reaches out to cover her sister's ears over Abed's hands.

"These are happy times for gender equality, and it's probably me who's wrong here, but my mind is not accepting this." Britta croaks.

"I'm telling Annie." Abed pulls out his phone and points the camera at them. Then he sends the picture with all their faces unprepared.

He looks at them and smiles.

"I'm really glad I came back. Annie wanted to come home with me, but she needed to finish training 'til Saturday. She'll definitely be home on the ninth."

He looks at his phone, nostalgic.

"'OMJelly. Sad face. Sad face. Sad face. Fist. Can't wait to come home. C U guys soon. Kissy face. High-five.' That's for everyone by the way." Abed mindlessly massaged his arm.

"Uh, I'm pretty sure that was a fist bump, Abed." Jeff says.

"Between us, that was a punch in the arm. It's become a habit of hers. It's not funny, but she puts up with my meltdowns. We can call it quits."

They're quiet all of a sudden. Abed notices.

"I'm excited about coming back to school. I've always been curious about Asian cinema, plus, my teacher's bangin'."

"I'll work out the details with Summer on Saturday." Britta volunteered. Frankie reluctantly approves.

"You want a re-tour of the campus?"Jeff asks him.

"I think I'll wait for Annie. She wouldn't want to be left out."

"Ohhhh."

Everyone drawls.

"You can sign up for Summer's class once…Britta's fin…a…lized ev…ery…thing?" Jeff extracted the words painfully from somewhere in his butt cheeks.

"Can you give me some credit? If I fail, you'd have failed by association, so stop expecting me to fail. I'll grease her up so good words will be falling from her mouth even when she doesn't want them to. Then I'll make you eat them."