Present day:
Olivia rolled her head from side to side trying to release some of the tension in her neck. Then she headed from the restroom back into the crowded bar.
She always hated these kinds of events, but her attendance wasn't exactly optional. Besides, this was one retirement she wasn't exactly sad about. Dodds Sr., still unable to get past Mike's death, was calling it quits.
Dodds had been a thorn in her side in recent years. He'd supported her in certain cases, but she knew his motivations were always political, and the victims came second. While she couldn't know if his replacement would be any better, she couldn't imagine it'd be worse.
There was the underlying knowledge that he would always blame her for his son's death. She accepted that blame and wore it like a blanket for months. She'd eventually put her guilt away, but every time she had to see or speak to Dodds, it slithered back around her shoulders and threatened to suffocate her. No matter who took his place, at least she wouldn't have that extra level of baggage.
Lost in thought, Olivia wasn't watching where she was going. As she tried to squeeze behind two men, one of them suddenly turned. She took a big step backwards to avoid having his beer sloshed all over her. Unfortunately, that action caused her to bump into someone at the bar behind her.
"Hey! Watch it," an achingly familiar voice called out.
Shit. Olivia took a steadying breath and slowly blew it out through tightly pursed lips. Then she turned around.
"Oh," he said, his tone immediately softening. He put his glass on the bar.
"Ed," she said followed by another deep, somewhat shaky breath.
"Li... Olivia," Ed said. "I wasn't sure if you'd be here."
"Oh you know… politics," She heard the words coming from her lips and felt like she was having an out of body experience. She knew they'd eventually run into each other, but she didn't know that today would be the day.
"Of course," he said. He knew how much she hated playing the political game.
An awkward moment of silence passed. This was the first time they'd seen each other since that awful night a few months ago when they'd broken up.
It hadn't been a pretty recovery for either of them. Ed had wanted to just fall into a bottle of bourbon and erase any thought of her. But there wasn't a drink strong enough to let him forget her.
Olivia did as Olivia does. She threw herself into work, time with Noah, and avoided anything that might remind her of what she'd lost. What she'd let go.
She noticed that he looked tired. His features reminded her of the old Tucker, the one before they became friends. The one that was hard and unwavering. She couldn't blame him.
She assumed that she didn't look much better. She'd almost grown to hate sleep because it routinely brought dreams of him. She wouldn't let him see that. She'd made her decision, and she wasn't going to show any uncertainty that it had been the right one. At least not now, not in front of him in this moment.
"Surprised you're here," she said with more snark than she'd intended.
He ignored her tone and answered simply. "He invited me."
Olivia's nervousness kicked in, and she reached up to tuck her hair behind her ear. Ed watched with sadness remembering a time that she'd have let him be the one to do that. It was an intimate gesture, and he was no longer afforded that privilege. He wanted her to stay here next to him, so he decided to make small talk in an attempt to lighten the mood.
"How are you?" Ed said with a tilt of his head letting her know the question was sincere.
"I'm…" she started.
"Fine." They both said together.
He smirked. She blew out another steadying breath. He knew it was a technique Lindstrom had taught her. He hated being the cause of her needing to use it.
"Ed," she said, hoping that her voice didn't sound as pathetic as she felt. She missed him. Damn her heart, she couldn't help it.
"How's Noah?" He said trying to find an easier subject.
"Good, good," she answered. "He starts soccer next week."
Ed nodded. He didn't trust his voice at the moment. He'd been the one to suggest little league soccer for Noah. He'd hoped he would be the one to help Noah tie his cleats, then cheer him on at games. A dream he'd been forced to let go.
"He asks about you," Olivia blurted out. "He misses his 'Tuck' as he calls you now."
Ed gulped his next breath. Why was she telling him this? It just made the fiery ache in his gut burn that much more.
They again reached an uncomfortable silence. She bit her lip. He ground his teeth and shuffled his position a bit. It was his movement that caused her to notice the smell of smoke.
He'd quit for her. Well, really it was for Noah. The boy's little lungs couldn't handle even residual smoke, so after one bad incident, she'd put her foot down. Without hesitation, Ed agreed. And to her knowledge, he never picked up another cigarette while they'd been together. Of course that didn't matter now, so of course he could smoke. She shouldn't care.
"So," he said to break the silence.
"I, uh… I guess I should get back," she said with a nod of her head. She started to step around him.
He looked over his shoulder to where she indicated and saw Fin, Carisi and Rollins sitting at a table halfway across the bar. As painful as it was to be here, he couldn't bear to let her walk away just yet.
"Liv, wait." On impulse, he grabbed her hands and held them firmly in his.
She froze at the contact. Her eyes shot up to meet his.
He looked down at his empty glass sitting on the bar next to them. He had no idea. No plan. He just knew he didn't want to watch her walk away. Yet.
"Let me buy you a drink?"
He knew she'd turn him down.
"It's an open bar," she said flatly, but she didn't pull her hands away. Her mind was screaming at her to let go, to get out of there. Her heart kept her anchored to the spot.
"Let me order you a drink?" He challenged.
They exchanged an intense but friendly glare. You could almost call it flirting, this back and forth thing they were doing. Except this was too painful to be called flirting. This. This was a special hell for the heartbroken and star-crossed.
"I already have a glass of wine over at my table," she said breaking the spell. Her voice was firm now. She was in full Lieutenant Benson mode. She was in protection mode.
He saw the retreat in her eyes. He knew it wasn't a battle he could win.
"Okay," Ed said with resignation, letting go of her hands.
"Take care," she said as she started to move past him to rejoin her squad.
"Hey Liv…"
She stopped and looked back at him.
"You should try the bourbon. They have the Hudson Baby brand that you like."
For a millisecond, she crumbled. She was sure her heart had stopped. Why did he have to ask her that? Her bottom lip quivered, but she refused to break in front of him. Instead, she smiled sadly before heading back to her table.
Olivia told Fin to tell Dodds that she was called away and give her apologies for not saying goodbye in person. She knew he'd seen the interaction with her and Tucker and wouldn't ask questions.
Amanda and Carisi were sitting with their backs to the scene, so Olivia also gave Fin a look. Understanding her unspoken request and ever the poker face, Fin just answered with "sure, boss." Amanda asked him if Olivia was okay. Fin told her not to worry about it.
Olivia now had a single focus. Get away. Get away from the man she thought she'd left behind. Get away from the proof that she hadn't been successful in clearing him out of her head or her heart.
Ed couldn't take his eyes off of her. He felt bad that she was leaving early because of him. Despite his better judgment and the fact that she'd probably threaten to shoot him, he followed.
Olivia shoved the door open and stepped out into the cool April evening air. She only made it a few steps before the first tear fell. She'd been alright for a while, but seeing him tonight. It unhinged her.
He'd held her hands so tight. She couldn't believe how much the simple touch of his hand could be her undoing. The tears were falling freely now as she made her way to the corner to try and catch a taxi.
She was too lost in her own thoughts and heartache to hear Ed call after her. She was too lost to notice the half a dozen people shuffling around her on the sidewalk. She was too lost to notice anything.
"You should try the bourbon." He had to use that line. The one that started this whole journey.
"Dammit, Ed Tucker," she hissed to herself. "Sometimes I wish I'd never accepted that first drink. Then maybe I'd have spared us both this pain." But that wasn't really true, was it? She shook her head as the tears fell harder. It was a question she'd asked herself often over these past few months. She didn't know the answer anymore.
She was oblivious to the people and chaos around her. She didn't even see it coming.
Halfway down the block, Ed screamed her name as he ran toward her. He felt his world slow down. The past few minutes combining with the present to form one horrific vision.
When he left the bar after her, he'd spotted her easily and could tell by her posture she was crying. Then he saw the car cross the middle line and realized it was headed in her direction. A taxi pulled up to the curb at her hail, so the careening car hit it instead. But the momentum of the first car caused the taxi to jump the curb and slam into Olivia and a couple who also happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Ed thought he might have a heart attack when saw her body fly like a ragdoll across the sidewalk and into the building. He sprinted to her side. He heard someone shout to call 911 and called out to tell them that a police officer was down. He knew there had to be multiple injured, but he wanted to make sure they knew at least one cop was among them.
Somewhere in the haze, Olivia had heard people yelling. A woman had screamed. She'd imagined she heard Ed calling her name. Before she'd been able to shake herself out of it, she was catapulted violently backwards. Her body had slammed into the wall of the bodega behind her. She didn't even feel the impact.
January 2015:
Olivia woke to a dark room. She pressed her fingers to her eyes and tried to remember what she was dreaming about, but it was fuzzy. There was a taxi and someone shouting her name. She hated half-remembered dreams like that. She felt uneasy, but she didn't know why.
Taking a deep breath, she reached over to check the time on her phone. 6:15am, she likely only had 15-20 minutes before Noah woke up. She fell back onto her pillow and closed her eyes. Just a few more minutes.
The last couple months had been rough. Rollins was still dealing with the aftermath of having to testify against her former CO. Olivia and Nick were okay again, but she suspected that he was still struggling with her being his Sergeant.
The worst of it all was when she thought she might lose custody of Noah during the Pattern Seventeen case. Trying to find the right balance between her job and her son was always difficult, but that week was near impossible.
She reminded herself that it had worked out ok, and it would hopefully be very soon that she was signing the adoption papers and making it official. With that in mind, she pushed the cases and the squad from her mind and felt herself start to drift back to sleep. She knew she shouldn't because it would just make it harder when she had get up. But something about the forgotten dream compelled her.
Ten minutes later, the sounds of Noah stirring coming through the monitor woke her again. She slowly dragged herself from the bed and pulled on a robe still feeling unsettled by her dreams. Someone, a man, had been calling her name. He sounded panicked.
The weirdest thing about the dream was that she could have sworn it was Ed Tucker's voice she'd heard. Why the hell would she dream about him? What the hell did she dream about him? She couldn't remember any of the details. She shrugged as she made her way through her apartment. At least that explained why she felt so unsteady.
tbc
a/n: so? Do you want to go down this road with me? It's going to be an angsty journey, but I think Tuckson can withstand it. Let me know what you think in that little review box below...
