The idea for this bit of randomness basically came around while reading Final Fantasy VII fanfics and listening to the song 'The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny' by Lemon Demon at the same time. Hope it makes at least one of you laugh, and any requests for other songs will be considered.

Dislaimer: I do not own either Final Fantasy VII, Advent Children, the above song, and any of the characters within. If I did, Sephiroth would be having hot sweaty sex with both Zack and Cloud at the same time, instead of being dead.


Alcohol, Life's answer to the pain of living. It also acts as one of the easiest roads to good entertainment, at least according to Rude's drunken philosophy as he sits in this small pub. This can be seen in the fact that his equally-drunk co-worker's staggering walk up to the small karaoke machine in the corner of the room indicates that something is about to happen. Hopefully something that can be used for blackmail services, thanks to the video camera that Elena, now used to Reno's drunken behaviour, has just taken out of her bag. Tseng and Rufus just look at each other, shrug, then look back at Reno, wondering what mischief he's up to now.

Rude's attention is suddenly distracted by the sound of the mic turning on with a loud screech. Reno, who actually managed to get up on the stage without falling off, was about to start this evening's entertainment.

"Well, here's a little song I came up with one day after drinking a hell of a lot of various alcohol mixes. Here's a tip for you, NEVER drink a cocktail called a Deathstar. It will kick your ass," the red-haired Turk slurred into the microphone before launching into one of the weirdest songs Rude had ever heard.

"Old Ultimate Weapon was hopping around

The Planet like a big playground

When suddenly Chaos burst from the shade

And hit Ultimate with a Fire grenade

Ultimate got pissed and began to attack

But didn't expect to be blocked by Tifa

Who proceeded to open up a can of Tifa Fu

When Scarlet came out of the blue,

And she started slapping up Tifa Lockheart

Then they both got flattened by the Highwind

But before it could make it back to North Crater

President Shinra popped out of his grave

And took an AK47 out from up his ass

And blew Chaos away with a rat-a-tat-tat

But he ran out of bullets and he ran away

Because Proud Clod came to save the day.

This is the Ultimate Showdown of Final Fantasy VII

Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see

And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be

This is the Ultimate Showdown of Final Fantasy VII.

Ultimate took a bite out of Optimus Prime

Like Palmer took a bite out of lard

And then Tifa came back covered in cigarette ash

But Tseng jumped out and landed on her back

And Chaos was injured, and trying to get steady

When ol'President Shinra came back with a machete

But suddenly something caught his leg and he tripped,

Zacky-boy took him out with his big-ass sword.

Then he saw Ultimate sneaking up from behind

And he reached for his gun which he just couldn't find

'Cause Chaos stole it and he shot and he missed

And Tseng deflected it with his fist

Then he jumped in the air and did a summersault

While President Shinra tried to pole vault

Onto Proud Clod, but they collided in the air

Then they both got hit by a Jenova Stare, oooh.

This is the Ultimate Showdown of Final Fantasy VII

Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see

And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be

This is the Ultimate Showdown...

Angels sang out in immaculate chorus

Down from the heavens descended Sephiroth

Who deliver a kick which could shatter bones

Into the crotch of Zack,

Who fell over on the ground, writhing in pain

As Chaos changed back into Vincent Valentine

But Seph saw through his clever disguise

And he crushed Vinnie's head in between his thighs.

Then Aerith the American and Aeris the European and

"Advent Children"'s Kadaj, Yazoo,and Loz,

Yuffie Kisaragi and Hojo the bastard and

Cid Highwind and Palmer (Don't forget the lard!)

Barret, Biggs, Wedge, and that Jessie woman

Knights of the Round, Odin, every single Bahamut-summon,

Rufus Shinra and Reeve,

Reno, Rude, Tseng, and Elena

All came out of nowhere lightning fast

And they kicked Sephiroth in his sexy ass

It was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw

With everyone else looking on total awe.

And the fight raged on for a century

Many lives were claimed, but eventually

The champion stood, the rest saw their better:

Mister Strife in a bloodstained sweater.

This is the Ultimate Showdown of Final Fantasy VII

Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see

And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be

This is the Ultimate Showdown...

This is the Ultimate Showdown...

This is the Ultimate Showdown...

Of Final Fantasy VII."

Flushed and grinning, Reno bowed to his applauding audience of drunken Turks and barflies.

"Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week."

With one last wave, Reno took one step forward and fell off the stage. Luckily, he was unconscious before he hit the floor.

Definitely blackmail material.