Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. But I do own a fat, ugly, stupid cat named Marshmallow.
When Sasuke left the village Naruto promised that he would bring him back. Naruto said something along these lines... "I will break every bone in your body, including your teeth! Then I'm going to drag your emo ridden carcass back to Konoha, where you can be just as miserable!" That may not be what he said word for word, but it was somewhere along those lines. And after saying nasty, threatening things like that it's no wonder Sasuke ran for the hills. Oh Naruto, if only you had followed these simple steps, then Sasuke might still be here. (And so would Itatchi for that matter).
Five step guide to bringing Sasuke back before he even left
(Please note that success is not guaranteed, results may vary)
Step One: The Threat!
- Simply tell Sasuke that, if he wants to go off and train with Orochimaru then you can't stop him. Then proceed to tell him that it's very humid were Orochimaru is living and that his (Sasuke's) hair will probably flop, and to keep it out of his eyes he will have to put it into a ponytail. Gently remind him that he would then look exactly like Itatchi.
*If this doesn't faze him tell him that there are no tomatoes where he's going.*
Step Two: Second Choice!
- Even if he doesn't care about the ponytail thing keep building on it. Tell him that it might actually be a good thing if he puts he hair into a ponytail. Wait until he asks why, once he does tell him that Orochimaru actually wanted Itatchi to be his little trainee. But Itatchi ran away and killed the whole clan so he's just taking what's left. A little Uchiha is better than no Uchiha.
*Warning, little Sasuke shall be angry!*
Step Three: Relapse!
- Sasuke will, at this point, give himself a slap in the face for thinking that something so stupid as a ponytail should stop him from getting his revenge. So now would be a good time for you to mention Sasuke's secret fear...Fan girls! (And boys if there happen to be some.) Tell him that Itatchi has lots and lots of fan girls (and boys) and once Sasuke looks like him... Leave that sentence open ended and let Sasuke's imagination fill in the rest. Yes Sasuke, what will Itatchi's fan girls do you once you steal his ponytail?
*Don't be surprised when Sasuke wets himself with fear at the thought*
Step Four: Sakura!
-Tell him Sakura is hiding in his suitcase. And then tell him that she ate his secret tomato collection, in his suitcase.
*Warning, Sasuke will throw a fit, and stomp on the ground like a little girl*
Step Five: The Real Step!
- If all of the above has failed then get a fishing rod and tie a tomato to the end of it. Tease Sasuke with it all the way back to his house. Once your back at his house, tie him up and throw him in the closet. This step will work so well, you can skip the other ones.
*Yes Naruto, it could have been that easy*
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