What was I thinking?

I knew it. I've known it since childhood, yet I clung to my hopes all the same. Like it would do any good. The truth has finally sunk in: Cloud will never love me.

He has Aeris - practically perfect in every way. She's so beautiful and kind. Well, everyone always tells me that I'm pretty, too, but it's not enough. Cloud fell for her the first time he saw her; I could see it in his eyes.

It's such a terrible feeling. Your crush is head over heels for someone else . . . and that someone else happens to be your friend.

I know I shouldn't be jealous of Aeris. I should be happy for her, because after all, she is a good friend of mine. She ought to have Cloud - she's much more worthy of him. They're so perfect together. I'm just not his type.

And yet . . . I am jealous of her. I just can't help it. I want Cloud to be mine. I was the one who pined after him for so long. She just appeared out of the blue! Is that really fair?

As they say, "All's fair in the game of love." But I always question the system.

I've loved Cloud for years. It was never blatantly obvious, but I think that somehow he knew. I was even foolish enough to believe that maybe, just maybe, he loved me, too. But I discovered that it isn't true. I lied to myself, and others lied to me. It scares me; what if my whole world is made up of lies? I think of myself as being a person worth getting to know, but how can I be sure that I actually am? I could just be deluding myself through everything to make myself feel like I have purpose. It could just be a hoax set upon myself to give me self-esteem.

There's that feeling that nobody wants you, that you're not good enough for anybody to want anything to do with you. That's what I go through every time I see them together.

Oftentimes I wonder to myself, What did I do wrong? What's the matter with me? There must be something, or maybe Cloud would be with me instead.

I must be crazy to still be suffering like this - it's so stupid, after all this time.

Maybe I don't have the chestnut hair he likes or those beautiful emerald eyes. Maybe I'm not exactly what he had in mind when the phrase "girl of his dreams" popped up. But I can be whatever Cloud wants me to be if I try. I can show him what it means to love.

What am I saying? Of course I can't show him what love means. I couldn't do that back in Nibelheim, before he left. I could have gone against my father's wishes and professed my love to him some night under the stars, but I didn't have the drive to do it. Guess that shows how much I really loved him, huh?

Aeris did what I could not. She made it clear to him that she loved him. And me? I just stood back and watched.

Weakling.

Too weak to claim what should have been mine.

But this envy is irrational. How can I be so resentful of my friend? Why can't I just get over it? I'm being unreasonable. Aeris was able to tell Cloud she loved him; she got to him first. Just because I didn't win the race doesn't mean I should be such a bad sport.

I lost my love to someone better than I, but I wonder: does she love him like I do? Does she feel nearly as much affection as I could have given him?

Whenever I see them together, holding hands, hugging, I feel a pang of jealousy, though I know that I shouldn't. She's a wonderful person, and she deserves him so much more than I ever could. But I can't help feeling so alone, even when I am among my closest friends.

Everyone tells me how much they admire me for my strength, for the fact that I don't need to depend on anybody to survive. But even strong people like me get lonely.