I.Q. The Real Version
This is what should've happened in the crap-tastic "romantic comedy" movie, I.Q. It got it all wrong. None of what happened in the move made sense. So, I made it better. Enjoy! Or Else!
Disclaimer: I don't own I.Q, thank God, but I wish I owned Stephen! 3
Chapter 1 Stephen is James, but That's Not the Only Thing That Rocks
Catherine "Cathy" Boyd "Yo Mammas Phat" was supposedly a very beautiful creature, and wonder of nature. With golden curls, rosy cheeks, red lips, and a charming smile, she was actually quite hideous. But people thought she was pretty anyway. With a brain the size of a cow, and a head to go with it, Cathy was always getting the eye from men. Too bad she was already engaged to someone else.
James (pronounced "jams" but not really) Moorland was a very handsome man, whom Cathy was completely undeserving, but he was modest and nice. He was into psychology, unlike his fiancé, who was into non-important and stupid things, like the fact that there is no color on a sub atomic plane. WHO CARES? (Cathy does.) He often took her out with him, like a good fiancé, and bought her whatever she liked.
There was one thing about Catherine, though. Her uncle was the Great Albert Einstein, AKA "Ya Albo Ein Frolo Voldo" and was very protective of her. When he wasn't working on moving stuff and what E=, he inquired Suzy, er, I mean Cathy about her love and sex life. Albert didn't approve of James very much, but he stayed out of it. Most of the time. Some of the time. Very little of the time. There was hardly a time when he wasn't sticking his mustache in her business.
"So Sally," the slowly going senile Einstein said to her one day, "How's your sex life going? He, you know, given ya enough satisfaction?"
"First of all, uncle, my name is Catherine," the girl said, "And second, that is totally gross. Why do you keep asking me that?"
Instead of answering, Einstein strode over to the fridge and took out a piece of pie. Cathy stared in confusion. When did they get pie? She wanted pie! She eagerly ran to the fridge and opened it, a face lighted with joy, which immediately gave way to crest fallen disappointment. She turned to her uncle, a look of defeat on her face. Einstein looked at her.
"Oh yeah," he said, "This is the last piece of pie."
"But I want pie!" Cathy whined.
"Oh, sure," Einstein said, excitedly, "It's 3.14159265…"
"Not that kind of pie!" she cried.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the front door. Leaving her uncle to continue reciting the value of pi, (the number, not the delicious dessert) she went to answer it. It was her darling future husband, James.
"Catherine," the smexy James-being-played-by-Stephen-Fry greeted, "May I come in?"
"But of course!" Cathy replied, and ushered him in. "What brings you here so early?" she wondered.
"I thought you might like to go out for a morning drive," James said, "Would you?"
"Would I?" Cathy asked, excitedly.
"Would you?"
"Would I?"
"Would you?"
Cathy stared at him, confused. "Would I what?" she asked.
"Care to go out for a morning drive?"
Cathy gasped with delight. "Would I?"
Sexy, I mean, James took her hand. "Let us go, darling," he said, and led her out the door.
So that's that! Einstein was still reciting pi when they left, eventually going into how to make a pie, into the history of the pie chart, into singing "Bingo." Next chapter we meet the terribly rude and not sexy at all Ed! Joy! Or not joy? Remember to read and review! Reviews are an author's life! It's how we know if we're doing good or not!
