Title:
Pain is no gameAuthor:
Gijsjes FairyDisclaimer:
This fic in mine and mine alone but the characters that occur don't belong to. They're property of the Producers of Dark Angel, James Cameron.Summary:
Things can be so easy; if I don't wanna know or remember something, I just block my memory. It's what they taught me to do, in case I got captured by the enemy. I'm not captured by an enemy or Manticore, for that matter. I'm my own enemy now. I can leave my mind and put away the pain like I throw away the garbage… but in the end it always catches up with me. Always. And I hate it when it does.Prologue: 02 May 2008, Gillette Wyoming
"Report!" Lydecker shouted. I'd never heard him shout before. He didn't have to. We'd listened to him anyway but now he shouted. I knew I'd done something horrible. I knew I did. He'd probably left me in the basement for the Nomolies to be eaten. I was sure of it and I could feel Ben holding his breath.
I pulled back my shoulders and answered; "X5-701 reports. I've mistaken a bird for a possible enemy, sir. I shot at the target and hit X5-343 by accident."
Syl's apartment, Los Angeles
"Hey Syl; you little sis!" Krit sank down next to me and put his arm around me. "You really should stop thinking Syl, one day your head will explode. Or you go nuts, which you already are, "Krit smiled, "but you get my point. When are you gonna stop blaming yourself?" His smiled had disappeared and a sad look had taken over his young face.
If I'd think logically; I knew it wasn't my fault that Avi had died. Yes; I'd pulled the trigger; yes it was my weapon that fired at him; and yes the doctors couldn't have saved him from my bullet. But still I blamed myself. He wasn't the enemy; there hadn't been an enemy at the time and still I opened fire and because I did; Avi was dead. Krit was there when it happened; just like most of my squad and they tried to protect me from Lydecker. They couldn't do it. The TAC-leader had seen me shooting at the damn bird; and instead I hit Avi. Of course he went to Lydecker and of course they took me for observation.
"No go snap out of it Syl!" My brother raised his voice and it made me shrink into one little piece of unhappiness. Almost immediately Krit realized his mistake; he knew my weakness; I couldn't deal with loud voices. Krit swallowed slowly, in attempt of getting control of his emotions. "If I get that bastard…" His whisper was very soft though I could pick it up easily.
"He didn't shot Avi."
"He murdered Eva and Jack and he hurt you and Ben. He hurt all of us and one day he's gonna pay for it!" The anger was less then the pure hate and if Lydecker had been in the room, Krit had snapped the man's neck in seconds. I felt sorry for my little brother; he seemed so innocent and so hateful at the same time. For the mullions time in my life I wished I could take over his pain so he'd be happy. I'd never be happy but he deserved a chance.
I already had lost myself in torturing thoughts and Krit knew. He couldn't see me suffer I guess, and left my apartment. After he closed the door I'd never felt so lonely. For one second I thought about it to call him back…. But I didn't. So there I was again; alone; afraid; sad and depressed.
Once again I saw Avi's last gaze before he'd closed his eyes forever.
At the bakery, Portland
"Stop pushing her Krit." Tinga continued preparing the small cakes for baking and with her other hand she gave a costumer a package of croissants. For a few seconds she looked at Krit. "Be honest; if you had… done it, you would feel guilty too."
Krit narrowed his eyes. "Are you saying it's her fault?" He peeked at his sister in unbelief.
"No, all I'm saying is you only think about your point of view; have you ever tried to imagine her position?"
"He was my brother too, Tinga!"
"Yes he was; but if we'd grown up like normal kids, we would have never been in that position which means we're not responsible for what happened."
"Tell that to Syl", Krit groaned.
While the costumer walked out, Tinga abandoned her cakes and turned to Krit. She gently took his hand and stared into his eyes for a while. Then she spoke, "Listen Krit; there are demons you can evade and escape but the demons Syl is dealing with… can't be evaded that easily. She has to do this herself; maybe it'll take her whole life but there's nothing you can do for her. This is inside her; we took her out of Manticore but it's up to her to take Manticore out of her."
They hugged each other and heard an old man approaching the bakery. Before the man had entered, Krit had left the bakery, leaving Tinga with her cakes.
