Ahab,
Bill continues to call me crazy and insane for staying with Mulder. I don't talk to him much anymore. It's not what he says about Mulder but more the way he says it. I mean come on we all make mistakes – even him!
Since the day I met Mulder he has been there for me. He was the one who kept me sane when you died. I was so ready to run off with some dangerous idea that a death row convict gave me! He was there, he protected me.
When I was abducted Mulder stayed with Ma. He never left her, they held it together, together. Ma always tells me that Mulder was a wreck, the he seemed lost. I didn't believe her at the time, however, now I can believe it. We are each other.
I'm not saying that Mulder is prefect. Because he's not! He kept the fact that I couldn't have children away from me. It was something that was stolen, something that I had a right to know about. It's just that he knows when he's done something wrong and he tries to fix it. Though not always successfully – that's who Mulder is.
He didn't want to help me with Emily. I think there was too much pain there for him. Coming from various sources. However, in the end he did. Mulder fought something that I believed in. Something that mattered to me, even if it caused him pain. He let me have those few days where I could be a mother, where I could care and love my little girl.
What Bill and those who judge my relationship with Mulder don't get is that without him I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't have had the friends I have. The Lone Gunmen would have been just some whack jobs to me. John wouldn't be my closest friends. Monica and Skinner wouldn't be Williams's godparents. Without Mulder and all we have been through –the good and bad- I wouldn't have William. I just couldn't, I won't, imagine my world without our son.
Daddy, I just want you to know that I don't regret anything from my time at the XFiles. I have seen the darkness that you had tried to keep from me. I have lost friends and loved ones, missed out on opportunities to do all the things you wanted me to do. However, I gained just as much as I lost.
I gained the truest friendships with Monica, Walter, Mulder and John. I have bare witness to the greatest acts of God. Through all the pain of losing my right to bare children, then to gain Emily and only have her taken, I have received so much more. Because of the pain, all of the darkness, I appreciated everything more. Ma helped me welcome little William in the world. She got to see me fall in love with Mulder all over again.
Daddy, Mulder is a good man. No matter what Bill says. He doesn't understand Mulder like I do, like I know you would. You would see the caring nature to him. To this day I am still not sure if you are proud of me. Maybe I will never know. Though Mulder keeps telling me that you would be –I'm not sure. But Daddy know this; I love you and I miss you.
Yours truly,
Starbuck
