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for my secret soul sister
"Perhaps home is not a place but simply an irrevocable condition."
― James Baldwin, Giovanni's Room
She was kept.
The others were released one by one.
After she alone remained she was kept for 5 days of close-ups, of interviews and of publicity images for press kits. Images of her in her Ready Room, of her walking the corridors of her now empty ship, of her touching panels of now unused workstations and finally, images of her in her command chair.
The whole crew had been kept for endless interviews and publicity shots. After the war, Voyager's homecoming was a welcome and much needed morale boost for the Federation, and Starfleet decided to milk every last drop of positive publicity from this gift they had been given. After debriefings, when everyone thought they would be released to go home, finally reunited with friends and family for good, they had been kept for endless promo shoots, interviews and short image films for Starfleet Academy.
There had been a group image with the whole crew assembled that was to be released with a dedication to those they had lost on the long journey. That was just the beginning of an exhausting and emotionally draining few weeks for the crew. The first of them had been released directly after their single photoshoots. They were crewmen and Ensigns from the lower decks that weren't widely known to the public, who had not appeared on the news in the last 7 years. They were included in Starfleet's publicity stunt nonetheless; for the sake of completeness, because every member had been important in their own way and, most of all, because Kathryn Janeway had persisted in her demand that no one be excluded.
The first of her senior staff to go had been the Doctor. She surmised they wanted to get their hands on his mobile emitter. She had not seen him since. That was 4 weeks ago. Or had it been longer? Kathryn shook her head, trying to clear her mind of the fog of melancholy. The Doctor had been released two weeks before anyone else from her senior staff. Before Seven and Icheb. Before Tuvok even, despite his medical condition. She had not heard from the Doctor since.
She had not heard from Tuvok either, who had been released together with Chakotay, Harry, Tom and B'Elanna five days ago. They were the last to go. That was five days ago. Since then, Kathryn had been working with people she had never seen before, who most likely had never seen her in person before either. Since then she had to watch Voyager being torn apart and dismantled around her. Even her quarters were already stripped bare. The day before that they had started to tear apart her Ready Room.
While Voyager was already being dismantled on the outside, Kathryn Janeway sat in her command chair and delivered every single line they gave her, posed for every single photo, performed for every silly little video and answered even the most miniscule question they asked. She did it standing, she did it sitting, she did "Engage", she did "Red Alert". She did it all for 5 days. Just as they were about to wrap a member of ground crew came with his screwdriver and started to undo her chair.
The chair that had been her haven on the bridge for the last seven years. The chair that had shielded her when Voyager rocked and tossed under enemy fire. The chair that stood stoically, untarnished. The chair that was next to his for the last seven years.
The chair was being dismantled, the consoles were being ripped from behind her. She did everything that was expected of her and nobody was there. No one from the admiralty came, not even the producers she was doing these interviews for had bothered to show up.
She was all done and finally she heard in from the darkness around her, "Well, that's it Kate. Thanks for the great seven years and that's a wrap."
And she stood there, furious, trembling with exaggerated anger at the camera man, who had the gall to call her Kate, who dared insinuate a familiarity between them that didn't exist. The cameraman, who because he had recorded all her interviews about their journey, had the audacity to thank her for the last seven years as if he is part of their close-knit family. How dare he call her by some distortion of her first name?
Kathryn stood there, the sound of the screwdriver screeching in her ears, the clatter of the consoles being dismantled causing her a headache almost as big as her heartache. And she felt the surge of tears rise up from her chest and spill out of her eyes, unable to fight them as she suddenly realized that everything she had known for the last seven years - almost a decade of her life - had just ended with those few careless words.
Oh my God, is this it? She thought, helplessly trying to figure out what to do now. It wasn't that she could just go home and pick up her life where she had left off. The reality of her situation slammed into her with more force that she could withstand. Despite her career, she had nothing left. Starfleet and her commitment to the organization had once again taken everything from her. Seven years ago, she had left her family behind, her loved ones. And for the last few weeks she had been forced to watch her newfound family, her new loved ones, leave her behind one by painfully one.
Kathryn turned slightly to her right - an instinct that had served her well for the last seven years - attempting to flee to her Ready Room for a while, until she had collected herself enough to face the outside world. But there was nothing there to flee to. The doors stood open and she could see the well-worn couch being ripped apart, her loyal (if somewhat temperamental) replicator being torn from its confines, the chair in which she had spent endless hours reading reports being taken apart to be recycled, just as the rest of her old and familiar furniture.
When she felt a tear roll down her cheek, Kathryn swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat and turned away from the Ready Room unable to watch her home being ripped to shreds. She took a shuddering breath and started walking towards Harry's station. The screwdriver was now dismantling Chakotay's chair and that was one thing she could not face.
In her sudden haste to flee the bridge she almost missed the figure silhouetted in the briefing room door. Her eyes snapped up and she saw the gleam of light shining off his head. She almost laughed out loud when she recognized him, thinking that from all the people surrounding her right now, he was the most human, the most welcome.
"Captain," he said, stepping out of the door and into her personal space. "In my medical opinion, you need a hug."
Before she could react he enveloped her in a comforting embrace, pressing her hard against his solid form just like he had done when he had returned from Tahal-Meeroj after what had been three years for him but only a few minutes for the rest of the crew. It had taken him a while to open up about it, but Kathryn eventually learned that he had found friends and something like a family on the planet. People he had not only been forced to leave behind as well, but people who had been long dead by the time he had finished his report.
Here he was, giving her support and warmth like a human being of flesh and blood. Kathryn hesitated only a second, too surprised and overwhelmed to react faster, before she returned the hug. She realized that with all the possibilities opening up, their return must be even harder, for him, than for the rest of them. Most of them had some friends or family to return to. But the Doctor wasn't returning to anything. He was basically born on Voyager - very much like Naomi, or even Seven and Icheb.
She swallowed hard again at the thought of Naomi and the many things she would miss in her development. At the thought of Icheb and the struggles he still had ahead of him. At the thought of Seven and who she was with now. She sighed, easing out of the Doctor's embrace. Before she could step away from him he held her by her shoulders and gave her a smile. "Let's go and have a drink!"
"Are you encouraging me to drink coffee, Doctor?" Kathryn laughed as she fell into step beside him on their way to the transporter room.
"Never, Captain," he admonished with a straight face before smiling merrily. "I would suggest something stronger and more appropriate for the occasion."
=/\=
"How did you know I was still on Voyager?" Kathryn asked as her drink was set down on the table before her, nodding a silent thanks to the waiter.
"When I was finally given possession of my mobile emitter this morning I joked that I was probably the last crew member to be released and someone mentioned that you were still kept here for some final promo interviews. Naturally, I was appalled and came back to free you from the clutches. By the time I managed to get aboard you were already done."
Kathryn tried to hide her grin at the Doctor's overly dramatic description. "Thank you, Doctor. I agreed to the interviews. I just wasn't aware they would take this long."
"Well, they could have let you get some R&R before. If anyone deserves rest after what we've been through, it's you."
"I assume they wanted me to look worn and beaten to make it more believable." Kathryn quipped as she lay her hand over the Doctor's as a gesture of gratitude.
"So, how does it feel to finally be free?"
"I should ask you that," Kathryn said with a raised eyebrow trying to steer the conversation away from her, unsure if she was emotionally stable enough to talk about herself. But the hologram didn't bite and kept looking at her expectantly, so she just shrugged. "I haven't given it much thought," she lied.
"If there's anything I've learned about you, Captain, it's that there's nothing you haven't given much thought." Kathryn rolled her eyes, but had to admit that he was right. She had given it a lot of thought recently.
"I will spent some time with my mother and my sister. I should go and see my…Mark. Meet his wife and child." Despite all the time she had indeed spent thinking about what she could and should do now, that was actually all she had come up with.
"That is some form of torture," the Doctor commented dryly.
"I don't know what you mean." Kathryn furrowed her brows.
"Of course you don't." The sarcastic tone was not lost on Kathryn, but the Doctor went on before she could admonish him. "You are going to visit the fiancé you left behind and witness how he moved on with his life and had a little family, while you were out there fighting for your life and that of 150 other people. That's a new masochistic low even for you, Captain."
"Doctor," Kathryn warned him in a tone that let him know she meant business.
"I've said this for the last seven years and while I don't expect you to listen to me any more than you usually do, I'm hoping you'll listen to someone else." For a second he focussed on something over her shoulder, but as quickly as he had looked away, he looked back at her again and continued.
"You put your life on hold for seven years. It's time," the Doctor said cryptically, but before she could ask what he meant, he looked at something behind her and stood up. "Excuse me, Captain."
And without further ado he was gone.
When Kathryn turned around to see where he was going, she saw the person she had least expected give the Doctor a nod and a thankful squeeze of the shoulder, before moving to her and occupying the seat the Doctor had just left.
"Kathryn."
"I didn't expect to see you here," Kathryn said, her jaw set, a sinking feeling that she had been set up beginning to form.
"The Doctor told me you'd be here."
"I see." She didn't mean to be so curt with him. It wasn't that she didn't want to talk to him. It was more that she had no idea what to say to him without blurting out everything she knew was better bottled up inside her. "You're ganging up on me. Again." It was an attempt to lighten the mood, but the words came out in a more serious tone than she had intended so she added a grin for good measure, assuring him that she wasn't really mad.
"I didn't know you were released today." He angled his head slightly. "I thought you were already with your mother, getting some well-deserved rest from the lot of us."
Kathryn looked into her glass unsure how to respond, how much to say. Chakotay wasn't her First Officer anymore, he wasn't responsible for her well-being anymore, she wasn't even entirely sure if they were still friends.
"They've been torturing me for the last five days and then suddenly wrapped things up today and I was free to go without a warning. I didn't even know." She shrugged, feeling a little lost herself.
"Well, I would have been there if I had known." He smiled encouragingly, trying to raise a smile out of her.
"Chakotay - " Kathryn started, but Chakotay didn't let her finish.
"Don't." He raised his hands to stop her. "I know what you're going to say." Kathryn cocked her head to the side with a look of slight disbelief on her face. "You're fine and it wasn't really that bad and really what did you expect anyway. Am I close?"
Kathryn stared at him. He did know her that well after all. After all this time and everything that had been between them and had been lost between them he could still read her like an open book.
"The Doctor told me, Kathryn." Chakotay grasped her hand and kept his gaze steadily on her. "From what he told me it was horrible. They just turned the lights off and left you there on your own. After everything you did for them."
Kathryn just shrugged. "This is the way the world ends, I guess."
"It should have been a bang for you-" Chakotay lowered his voice and leaned closer- "not a whimper."
Kathryn's head shot up at his words and she felt herself tear up again. She tightened her jaw and blinked several times to keep her tears from spilling. If she was honest, she was glad he was here. She wanted him here with her. She would have wanted him there on Voyager when they called the wrap. She had wanted him to hug her and take her home. But that was selfish and unfair to him.
"You didn't need to come, Chakotay." She gave him a wry smile. "I'm sure you have other things to do, somewhere else to be."
"Nothing that couldn't wait." Kathryn just sighed so he continued. "Kathryn, just because we're home, I haven't forgotten my promise. Your needs come first."
"I can't hold you to that. Not anymore."
"But I can. I made the promise and I'm keeping it, no matter what you expect me to do. I'm here, Kathryn, whenever you need me."
Kathryn swallowed. His offer was incredibly selfless, but after seven long years she had to let him go. She couldn't keep burdening him with her emotional turmoil when he had other people to live for now. His own happiness to pursue. She couldn't cling to him just because she had no one else left. He deserved more. He deserved for her to let him go.
"I want you to be happy."
"And I want you to be happy," he replied getting the distinct impression he was missing something, an undercurrent of something he didn't understand or know about. He replied and it was clear to Kathryn that he was missing the point she was trying to bring across.
"How is Seven?"
"She's well. I helped her get settled at her aunt's and they've taken in Icheb until he can get enrolled at the Academy. I hear they are getting along really well."
"You hear?" Kathryn was surprised. She had thought he would stay with Seven.
"I've stayed with Tom and B'Elanna and Icheb has called a few times to ask about Miral."
"I thought…" Kathryn trailed off shaking her head. This wasn't her business and if he didn't want to talk about it she shouldn't ask.
"You thought what?"
Kathryn took a deep breath before she answered. It wasn't as if she could skirt around the issue forever. If she wanted to keep them both as friends she had to come to terms with, and talk about, their relationship at some point. "I assumed Seven would stay with you."
"Why ever would you think that?" Chakotay was taken aback but when Kathryn looked at him with her no-nonsense look it dawned on him. "I don't know what exactly you heard, Kathryn, but I can assure you it's not what you think."
"I'm not judging you, Chakotay." She was, but no one need know that. "I mean it. I want you to be happy and if Seven can make you happy who am I to argue?"
Somehow that didn't come out right.
"Seven isn't making me happy and I'd never expect her to." He angled his head to make her look at him. "I was helping her practice social situations, Kathryn. The Doctor could only teach her so much and I know it meant a lot to you that the crew helped her explore her humanity."
"Within limits," Kathryn uttered to herself, lowering her eyes as she thought about the Chakotay hologram Seven had experimented with.
"And am I such a limit?" His tone was light and joking, but Chakotay was genuinely curious. The Doctor had been forced to tell him about Seven violating his privacy by creating the hologram, but they had agreed that it wasn't worth the fuss.
The incident had made it clear, however, that Seven's curiosity about her humanity had exceeded the Doctor's limits and that she would need someone to teach her about dating and intimacy who wasn't intimidated by her. Since Seven had already made her choice clear and the possible mentors on Voyager being severely limited, Chakotay had deduced it would be a good idea if he took it upon himself, if only to please Kathryn. It seemed however, that this idea had backfired massively.
Kathryn didn't answer his question and the silence stretched between them. No matter what he told her now, Seven was a sore topic between them and it would take more time to resolve the feeling it evoked.
"How are you really, Kathryn?" Chakotay finally broke the silence.
"I'm not sure. I should be ecstatic, but I feel adrift. I don't know what I want."
"What about me?"
"What about you?"
"Would you want me?" There was a heavy pause that left him breathless with uncertainty and her paralyzed with shock.
"More than anything," she finally whispered, unable to meet his eyes, the realization of what he was offering hitting her.
He slid his hand under hers and grasped it. "You've always had me."
"Are you sure you don't want to venture out there and find someone who loves you so much better than I can?"
"And search for you in another person?" His fingers tightened around her hand, his thumb sliding back and forth over her knuckles. "I don't want better. I want you."
Kathryn swallowed heavily as she looked down into her glass. As she looked back up at him, a deep blush creeped up from her neck over her face which wore that one sided smile he loved so much.
"Alright," she started, "in that case I need to say this for the record in case there's any question later. You're going to take me home and we're going to do all the things I wanted to do since I first saw you on my view screen." Kathryn saw Chakotay lick his lips subconsciously at the thought and tug his earlobe, giving away that he was at least as nervous about this as she was. "But since it's been a while I'll need some liquid courage first, so you'll need to get me a little drunk before you take me home."
Kathryn waited a moment and watched Chakotay's face as her words slowly sunk in. The play of different emotions across his features was a joy to see and only when she saw a deep satisfaction settle in his face and his pupils widen with the prospect of what she had just hinted at, did she break the silence and move.
"I want to dance," Kathryn pointed out while she rose from her chair and pulled his hand. She was well into her second glass of Cabernet Sauvignon since Chakotay had arrived and the atmosphere was light and friendly.
