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PUInsanity at 3 in the Morning/UBR
By Ravenclaw42BR
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Spoilers: None, I think... for any of it.BR
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A/N: Be warned, this is total *crap.* Yes. *I* say its crap. Now, understand that the title is not an exaggeration or something made up to fit the tone of the story -- it is completely true to the circumstances under which the story was written. I almost fell asleep at the keyboard. So I repeat, be warned.BR
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Feel free to flame me; Ill probably send you a reply along the lines of Thanks very much, I agree. Enjoy! (Or not.)BR
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(Ravenclaw climbs through the portrait hole to the Gryffindor common room.)BR
Harry: (glances up) Hi.BR
Hermione: (glances up) Hello.BR
(Raven looks oddly out of place.)BR
Raven: (muttering) I didnt write that...BR
Ron: Huh?BR
Harry: Whats up with her?BR
Hermione: Well, shes the author.BR
Raven: NO! I am a FICTIONAL CHARACTER! Just like you!BR
Harry: You havent quite got used to being a fictional character, have you?BR
Raven: (rounds on Harry) Did I write you could say that? Dare to insult me!BR
(Harry looks taken aback. Hermione frowns.)BR
Hermione: You sound like one of those horrid people who mistreat their house-elves...BR
Raven: Give it a rest on the house-elves, Hermy-ninny.BR
(Hermione and Ron speak simultaneously:)BR
Hermione: Dont make fun of Viktor!BR
Ron: Yeah, someone who finally agrees with me about the house-elves!BR
Harry: Well, if Ms. Authors going to insist on everyone using analogies...BR
Raven: I LIKE using analogies!BR
Ron: (muttering) ALL the time...BR
Harry: (ignores them) ...analogies like with house-elves and their masters, Ive got to ask; Why has out master come down to visit us lowly fictional characters?BR
Raven: (looks fidgety) I just wanted to see how you were getting on...BR
(Harry looks dubious.)BR
Harry: Did you want to see any of us in particular?BR
Raven: (quickly) No, no, of course not...BR
(Harry looks even more suspicious.)BR
(Raven suddenly spots Eyra Dragonsworth, Deep Roller and Ginny Ha-Ha piling into the room through the portrait hole.)BR
Raven: Ahh! Successful sillyfic writers! (Hides under the table.)BR
(Ron and Harry exchange a s crazy glance.)BR
Hermione: (under table with Raven) Whats wrong with sillyfic authors? Why are you afraid of them?BR
Raven: (sobbing) Theyre... all... better... than... me...BR
Hermione: But youre writing a sillyfic now, arent you? Its decent too, isnt it? (kicks Harry and Ron)BR
Ron: Huh?BR
Harry: What she said...BR
(Eyra Dragonsworth, looking in a very bad mood, works her gaze across the room in Rons direction. Ron yelps and dives under the table also.)BR
Ron: Mind if I join you?BR
Raven: (stops sobbing) ... and all their muses make them write good sillyfic and mine is so melodramatic Im surprised she hasnt gone and jumped off a cliff or something by now...BR
(Harry, having no one left to talk to, joins the rest under the table.)BR
Harry: So whats Eyra doing here anyway? Isnt she in Slytherin?BR
Hermione: I think Ravens bottled-up emotions are manifesting themselves in the form of... the weather!BR
(Thunder crashes outside)BR
(Raven gets a feeling of X-Files deja vu...)BR
Hermione: (clears throat) ... I mean, this fic.BR
Raven: (dazed) Wizard of Oz?BR
Ron: Keep going and next thing Mulder and Scullyll come in and arrest us all for (that phrase here -- practicing ritchcraft or whatever. Ask Dad, he knows it).BR
Raven: Hey! Youre HP characters! Youre not supposed to know about XF characters!BR
Ron: Well, youre broadcasting your thoughts all over the place here, its not as though it was very hard to figure out.BR
(Raven looks confused but says no more.)BR
(There is a familiar hoot above them. Harry dashes out from under the table and crawls back in again with a large, white, wet-looking puff.)BR
Ron, Hermione, and Raven: Hedwig!BR
(Hedwig has a damp, dirty-looking letter clamped in her beak.)BR
Harry: (unrolling the letter) Its from Sirius!BR
(Everyone reads the letter. Harry notices the big grin on Ravens face when shes done.)BR
Harry: HA! I knew it!BR
Raven: (turns very red and stops grinning) Knew what?BR
Harry: You only came to see Sirius!BR
Raven: And Remus! And James and Wormtail...I just got my times mixed up and got stuck here with you people!BR
(Harry, Ron, and Hermione look confused but say no more.)BR
(Ron peeks out from under the table.)BR
Ron: The sillyfic authors have left...can we go have dinner now?BR
Harry: Yeah, Im hungry!BR
Hermione: (muttering) ALL you two think about is food...BR
Harry: And Quidditch!BR
Raven: (glares at Harry, Ron, and Hermy-ninny) Did I write you could go eat dinner? I think not!BR
Ron: (muttering) Temperamental, isnt she?BR
Raven: OF COURSE I AM! Im the AUTHOR! And Im not CONTROLLING you!BR
Ron: Thank heavens.BR
Raven: I HAVE THE RIGHT TO CONTROL YOU! I DONT LIKE NOT CONTROLLING YOU! BUNDERSTAND?!/BBR
(Ron looks confused and frightened but says no more.)BR
(Hermione glares.)BR
Hermione: You act like an immature Mr. Crouch!BR
Raven: Did I write you could use my analogy! I DID NOT!BR
(People in common room begin edging away from the table with the voices under it.)BR
Harry: (getting exasperated) Look, could you go torture this Crichton person for a while so we can eat dinner? Youre so fond of PsychoCrichton moments, so go write some more of them!BR
(Something clicks in Ravens brain.)BR
Ron: What was that clicky noise?BR
(Hermione kicks Ron. Ron looks confused but says no more.)BR
Raven: OWWWIE!BR
Harry: What?BR
Raven: Something just clicked in my brain.BR
(Ron, Harry, and Hermy-ninny groan.)BR
Ron: Oooooh, that was a bad joke...BR
Harry: ... and you know it!BR
Raven: Yep, it was, wasnt it? (grins absurdly)BR
(Raven pulls a chunky piece of electronic equipment with large friendly red numbers on the top out of her pocket.)BR
Raven: Ill timeslide forward to bedtime!BR
Harry: Please dont say this is gonna be a big whirly blue vortex thing...BR
Raven: (indignant before she knew what indignant meant!) Why not?BR
Harry: Because Im sick of all your in-jokes... next youre gonna be saying your name is Lyta but youre actually possessed by an insanely powerful alien disciplinary...BR
Raven: Oh, shut up! Im sliding, and so sue me! Not that youd get anything out of it anyway, seeing as Im broke!BR
Hermione: Keep crossing over to TV show in-jokes and sooner or later you ARE going to get sued!BR
(Raven mutters mutinously.)BR
(Raven suddenly grins wickedly.)BR
Raven: John Edward?BR
(Raven receives three very blank expressions.)BR
Raven: Well, you people annoy me. Im leaving!BR
(Raven pushes the large friendly red button on her Timer...)BR
Raven: Dont panic...BR
Harry: Why would I panic?BR
Ron: Whos John Edward?BR
(Large whirly blue vortex opens in front of them.)BR
Ron, Harry, Hermione, and several other Random People: EEP!BR
(Ron, Harry, Hermione, and several other Random People leap backwards.)BR
Raven: (steps toward the large whirly blue vortex) See you later!BR
(Raven steps into large whirly blue vortex and is whisked away.)BR
(Raven spins through center of large whirly blue vortex.)BR
Raven: WHEE!BR
(Raven falls out of other end of large whirly blue vortex.)BR
(Large whirly blue vortex closes behind Raven.)BR
Raven: OOF! (glares at A.I., who is on a sugar high and is writing this fic) Did I write you could do that?!BR
AIs Voice From the Heavens: I AM writing the fic you know... I can do what I want!BR
Raven: Hey! Torture Rygel and Mulder and Wolverine all you want, but...BR
AIs Voice From the Heavens: (very exasperated) I direct YOU to do those things. This time BII/I/B will have my revenge!BR
Raven: (ponders this situation) So the only time I can write good sillyfic is when its my muse getting revenge for MY attempts at getting revenge...BR
(Occupants of the small room in which Raven has landed look around at each other dazedly.)BR
(Raven looks around dazedly.)BR
Raven: Hey! What are you people still doing here? (remembers) Ooooh... duh. But this isnt Hogwarts!BR
(Raven realizes where she is.)BR
Raven: LUPINS PLACE?! WHAT IN VALENS NAME HAPPENED?!BR
Ron: Whos Valen? And you still never said who John Edward is...BR
Hermione: The timeslide worked...BR
Harry: But it took us to a different place in space as well..BR
Raven: What? That wasnt supposed to happen... AI!BR
(AI puts on her angelic innocent look.)BR
Raven: (sneers in disgust) Oh I give up... Wheres Lupin?BR
Remus: Here.BR
(Raven sees Sirius standing in a corner, very confused.)BR
Raven: (turning extremely red) Hi Sirius...BR
Sirius: (dazed) What?BR
Raven: Nothing...BR
(Harry grins mischievously)BR
Raven: (slaps Harry) Oh, give it a rest! (looks at Ron, Harry, and Hermione) Whyd you follow me?BR
Hermione: My book bag got caught in the large whirly blue vortex...BR
Ron: And she grabbed it...BR
Harry: And Ron grabbed her...BR
Raven: And you grabbed him... whatever, I get the picture. (snatches a picture of Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Hermiones book bag getting sucked into the large whirly blue vortex away from Colin Creevey.)BR
Colin Creevey: Lo Harry!BR
Harry: Go away, Colin.BR
Colin Creevey: Yes, lovely day, isnt it?BR
Ron: Whered he come from?BR
Raven: (shouting again) AI! That was cheesy! I hate cheese! Take him back!BR
(Ron looks very confused but says no more.)BR
(Lupin joins Sirius in the corner nervously.)BR
AIs Voice From the Heavens: (sighing) Oh, fine...BR
(Colin Creevey is suddenly eaten by a large Cheshire Cat mouth.)BR
Raven: Look, this was funny at first, but now its just getting absurd...BR
AIs Voice From the Heavens: (huffily) Well, thats the point, isnt it?BR
Raven: (pouty) Not in MY fics... in MY fics its more sarcasm...BR
AIs Voice: Desperate attempts at dry humor...BR
Raven: Intellegent, artistic...BR
AIs Voice: Thinly disguised serious morals...BR
Raven: Educated satire...BR
AIs Voice: PLOT...BR
Raven: My sillyfics do NOT have plot in them!BR
AIs Voice: Do too!BR
Raven: Do not!BR
AIs Voice: Do too!BR
Raven: Uh-uh!BR
AIs Voice: Uh-huh!BR
Raven: (in the Monty Python-style high voice) A contradiction is not the same as an argument!BR
(Harrys, Rons, Hermiones, Siriuss, and Lupins gazes flicker back and forth between Raven and the ceiling as the argument continues.)BR
AIs Voice: PLOT! The very one and only thing absolutely FORBIDDEN in sillyfics!BR
Raven: NEVER!BR
AIs Voice: YES! I should call the fic police!BR
Raven: NO! NO! ITS NOT TRUE! OFFICER, I SWEAR! PLOT! I NEVER... NO... NO PLOT! I SWEAR I DIDNT DO IT!BR
(A very confused police officer appears in front of the cowering Raven.)BR
Very Confused Police Officer: Um... you are under arrest... erm, under charges of... of unauthorized plot... in a sillyfic... what on Earth am I talking about?BR
Raven: Im innocent, officer! I swear it! I WANT MY LAWYER!BR
AIs Voice: I AM your lawyer, young and uneducated Raven...BR
Very Confused Police Officer: Erm... you have the rights to the remains of a silent attourney! I mean, erm... the silent rights... remaining attourney...BR
(Raven bawls)BR
AIs Voice: Immature and ignorant Claw...BR
(Raven whacks her head repeatedly on the wall, wailing)BR
AIs Voice: You arent worthy of The 42!BR
Raven: NOOOO! I AM! I AM! DONT CONFISCATE MY 42!BR
Very Confused Police Officer: (continues muttering incoherently in the corner next to the Very Nevous Remus and the Very Frustrated Sirius.)BR
Sirius: Look here, what Iare/I all you people on about!BR
Raven: (sniffing) ... not 42... never my 42...BR
AIs Voice: ... PLOT! I am so ASHAMED of you, incompetent Raven...BR
Very Confused Police Officer: ... Please remain silent... I need and attourney...BR
Dr. Nightmare: (sing-song) Dr. Nightmare, attourney at La-aw!BR
Cheshire Cat Mouth: ... mmmph, mm, mmphh... (translation: ...OW! Got a bone stuck in my teeth...)BR
Sirius: SHUT UP!BR
(Raven, Very Confused Police Officer, and AIs Voice From the Heavens all shut up.)BR
Cheshire Cat Mouth: ... mmphm...BR
(Sirius transfigures the Cheshire Cat Mouth into a mouse and throws it outside into a snowbank.)BR
Sirius: Much better. Now, what are all you people on about?BR
(Silence.)BR
(More silence.)BR
(Cricket shirps.)BR
(Raven, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Very Confused Police Officer scream.)BR
Lupin: CONSTANT VIGILANCE!BR
(Everyone looks at Lupin in astonishment.)BR
Lupin: Oops... wrong line... please excuse me for a moment...BR
(Lupin goes into the back room to rehearse his nonexistant script.)BR
Very Confused Police Officer: (gruffly) I think Ill just be nipping out now... wifes waiting at home...BR
AIs Voice: OH NO YOU DONT LADDIE!BR
(Very Confused Police Officer whimpers.)BR
AIs Voice: Be careful or Ill turn you into an Amazing Bouncing Malfoy-Ferret...BR
(Very Confused Police Officer wimpers yet again and backs into the heavily trafficked corner.)BR
(Raven randomly tries to pick up Hermiones book bag.)BR
Raven: (drops bag on foot) OWWWW! What have you got in this purse, a brick?BR
Harry: Just one, Raven?BR
Raven: Its a John Edward joke... nevermind.BR
Hermione: (indignant) Its not a purse! And its got my schoolbooks in it!BR
(Raven promptly drops the bag on her foot again.)BR
(Sirius gives up trying to get an answer out of the insane characters and joins Lupin in the back room.)BR
Harry: Hm-mmm...BR
Raven: (makes a buzzing noise) Wrong response!BR
Hermione: Tsk, Harry, this is not a slash fic...BR
Ron: (glares in the direction he supposes AIs Voice was coming from) Sicko! Whyd you make Harry say that?BR
Harry: Say what? (looks dazed)BR
Raven: HA! I can nail YOU on charges of character-memory-wiping!BR
(Raven rounds on Very Confused Police Officer.)BR
Raven: You... youre not adding to the silliness factor of this fic anymore... go arrest the voice in the sky!BR
Very Confused Police Officer: Who, God?BR
Ron: Arrest Him too while youre at it...BR
Hermione: (shocked) Ron!BR
Very Confused Police Officer: (grateful for the chance to get away) All right then... goodbye...BR
Raven: GO!!!BR
Hermione: (politely) Good day, sir.BR
(Very Confused Police Officer nods to Hermione, glares at Raven, glances nervously around the room and leaves.)BR
Raven: He was no fun anyway... too sane...BR
(Sirius and Lupin come back into the front room.)BR
Raven: (ponderous) Neither of you are any fun either...BR
(Raven forces Sirius into his dog form.)BR
Raven: Much better! (pats Sirius on the head)BR
Lupin: Well, Im not entertaining, Ill just go, shall I?BR
Ron: Where? This is your house, isnt it?BR
Lupin: (nervously) Erm... yes...BR
Raven: (impatient) Youre coming with us!BR
Lupin: Where?BR
Raven: (happily) I have no idea!BR
(Harry opens the door.)BR
(The Cheshire Mouse is still fighting its way out of the snowbank.)BR
Cheshire Mouse: (squeaking) Im coming! Im coming!BR
(Sirius transforms back into a human for long enough to blast the Cheshire Mouse into next Tuesday.)BR
(Raven begins skipping down a conveniently placed yellow brick road. The others follow nervously.)BR
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Next TuesdayBR
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Raven: (dragging her feet, panting) How did stupid Dorothy and her stupid dog and stupid friends get down this whole frelling stupid road without even breaking a sweat?!BR
Cheshire Mouse: Oh I found you, I found you! Thank goodness! (squeaking incoherently)BR
(Sirius blasts the Cheshire Mouse into the next dimension.)BR
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Three Hours LaterBR
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(Raven, Ron, Harry, Hermione, Sirius, and Lupin are slogging their way through a marsh.)BR
Ron: Look, Im sick of this...BR
Harry: Its not funny anymore...BR
Lupin: Not even remotely...BR
Sirius Hermione: (simultaneously) Never was to start with...BR
Raven: Fine! I agree. Were going to slide out of here!/P
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