Honest to Dios

Honest to Dios

Chapter 1: Lil' Drinkies

Author's Note: Um, if you can't already tell, this is going to be a pretty stupid-silly parody. Anyway, enjoy!

"I am Akio, the power hungry freak," Akio said to himself as he admired his evil-looking image in the mirror. He smiled. Nothing happened. "KUSO! Why can't I ever sparkle like the other bishounen!" He broke down and began to cry. Then, as quickly as he began, he stopped. "Ahem, I must maintain my dignity as a villain. I'm still disappointed though." He walked out of his office and bumped into Kozue.

"Heeelllloo!" Kozue leered. Akio ignored her. "What's his problem!" Kozue pouted. No man had ever ignored her leerings before.

"Onii-sama, where are you going? It's Saturday night, remember?" Anthy said to her brother.

"Forget our meeting. I can't sparkle. I'm going to go get sloshed. Ta ta!" Akio said as he passed.

"So unlike my onii-sama!!" Anthy thought and went to report this to Utena.

"Your brother canceled your meeting?" Utena asked Anthy.

"Hai." Anthy said, looking very worried. "And not only that, he said he was going to get 'shloshed' or something."

"You mean sloshed, dimwit," Utena snapped, wanting to hit Anthy. "That means get drunk."

"Oh."

"So. What do want to do about it?" Utena asked suddenly.

"Um, can't you do something. He seems to like you…"

"He's your brother! I'm not getting involved."

"Please, Utena-sama!" Anthy begged. "He doesn't seem to be his evil self lately." Anthy didn't add that Utena didn't seem to be like her kind self lately either. Utena didn't add that Anthy didn't seem like her undemanding self lately either.

"FiiiiiiNNNE!" Utena whined. "Though I don't really care, ya know!"

"Eeee!" Anthy squealed with delight. Utena looked almost about to smack her again.

They found Akio (very drunk) sitting at a bar and singing.

"Nooooo body knows the trouble I've seeeeeeen! Noooooo body knooooowws my sorrrrrrrrrroooowwwwwssss!!!"

"Oh brother!" Utena complained. Akio saw them approaching. "Hi therrrr! You twos wan' a lil' drinkie-poo. Heth?"

"Onii-sama, you are not yourself!" Anthy said in shock.

"Hmmmm?" Akio asked.

Then he suddenly broke into evil laughter. "Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!" Utena and Anthy were very relieved that he didn't get up and dance around like Mrs. Ichinose. Very glad.

Utena was not moved by his sad spectacle. So she challenged him to a drinking contest. "Bottoms up!"

They, uh, got very "shloshed" and the consequences that followed were very un-good.

"Oh, yeah. You should've sheen Anshi one time. Heh heh!" Utena joked. Anthy blushed.

"Please, Utena-sama. Don't tell him that." Anthy pleaded.

"I'm gonna tellsh him that. Now don'ts yous bugsh me." Utena slurred. Anthy looked meekly away.

"Heh heh. Anyway, Himemiyash and I were in a reshtrant and she got on top of the table and shaid: 'look at me! I'm doing my vacky table dance!' It vash great. You shoulda sheen it, old boy!" Akio laughed in uncomprehension and responded only with a faint "glub blub" in his beer mug.

"Zhat's vhat I thoughtsh." Utena said.

Then, in there drunkdom, the group was transported to the castle above the arena, where they met Dios.

"You are all disgracing this parody." Dios told them.

"Shorry," Anthy hiccuped. She had had one too many lil' drinkies.

"What will it take to make you happy?" Dios asked.

"Happysh?" Utena asked, holding her eyes open so that she could still see.

"This is a one time offer for each of your most desired wishes." Dios said.

"Ooooooooo!" Akio said licking his lips. Utena backed away in fear. "Don'tsh let him wish!" she begged Dios.

"Don't fear. It is only one wish that I offer, that all of you three must agree on. When you've decided, call out my name and it will be granted." Dios and the castle dissappeared and the trio were back in the bar.

"A wish?" Utena mused.

"Wishy wishy wishy!" Akio cried in a sing-song voice.

Utena eyed him nervously.

"I would wish not to have any older brother." (Anthy)

"Hey!" (Akio)

"Humph!" Utena spat. "I would wish for your brother." Akio looked at her with longing eyes. "NOT YOU!" Utena said swiftly. Akio continued to look at her and she reached over and shut his eyes. However, he seemed to be a little more sober, so he opened them again.