"We don't talk anymore"
Based on the song "We don't talk anymore" by Charlie Puth
MISAKI POV
We don't talk anymore.
We don't talk anymore.
We don't talk anymore like we used to.
I stare at my phone blankly, how pathetic do I look right now? I don't know. How could you reduce me to such a pathetic state, Takumi? Tears form in my eyes and drop down on the screen of my phone, right over his picture.
What are you doing, I wonder? How many months has it been? Two? Three? I've lost count.
My lips quiver as I stare at the keypad and gather the courage to dial his number. The call connects and I wait for him to pick up. It's 3AM right now so its daytime. I waited this long to call him so that he doesn't have to stay up late to talk to me. Medical school is hard, ne?
He doesn't pick up.
I'll just leave him a text…
Funny thing he was online two minutes ago.
I stare at the conversation chat box and see my previously left fifteen read messages.
He didn't bother to reply to them.
I send one again.
"Are you busy? Can we talk?"
Do I sound too desperate? I hope not. I stare at the message and send it. 3:23AM and no sleep on my mind. I really want to talk to him right now…
"Can't talk at the moment. Did something happen?" He replies at 4:21AM when my eyes pop open at the sound of the ringtone. I sit up with excitement but it fades away the moment I see the text. He couldn't have written anything else?
"Nothing, I was just bored. Are you busy?" I ask again, and my throat tightens up as I type with trembling hands. He goes offline the moment my text got delivered. I can't believe my luck sometimes.
No replies come.
I got up and went to get ready for the day. It was too late for me to try to sleep, so I figured it'd be better to make use of the time I got on my hands instead.
We don't talk anymore.
We don't talk anymore.
We don't talk anymore like we used to.
Its true.
Things changed.
Its been almost four years since I've seen the goofy Takumi who used to stalk me all day long. Things have definitely changed. We talk once a few months and I can't decide if he's just busy or tired of me.
I don't understand. Did I do something wrong? I stare at our old pictures while sitting in the corner of my seat in a metro. Its 10PM and it's the last train for today. College is tiring for me as well but I don't understand how he manages to get so busy that he can't even give me the time of the day.
It feels like we're drifting apart…separating piece by piece. I used to think that distance did not matter if your heart belonged to each other, no matter how clichéd it sounded coming from someone like me. But I think that distance matters if our hearts are getting further away.
"We're too far to exchange the whispers of love."
I sent him this as I drank my tears as I walked towards my hostel. Several messages from my colleagues laid unread in my inbox as I stared at his picture with my heart shattering. I missed him, terribly so. What happened to us?
He's become more or less like a stranger to me with each passing day. I haven't seen him, or heard his voice in so long that I'm starting to question his existence. Did he really exist or did I simply hallucinate? I don't know anymore.
I don't know anymore.
I don't know anymore.
I don't know anymore.
My roommate told me I was crying in my sleep. Now that's definitely something new. I open my phone and see a message from Takumi.
Naturally, my face lights up for the first time in months.
"I won't be able to come this year on Christmas either. I'm sorry." It reads.
And naturally, my heart shatters into small pieces again.
I don't blame him, I decide.
Its not his fault. He must be having a hard time already. Fitting in must be hard. He dislikes England and its bland weather. He loathes the Walker family, but when I saw his picture on the front cover of a magazine in a party. I started to think he's truly become from Takumi Usui to Takumi Walker.
I placed that picture with the utmost care in my drawers. It's the most recent picture I have of him after all. I opened my scrapbook and stuck another magazine cut out of my "boyfriend"…and tears follow.
The fifth year,
I don't think I can handle it anymore. His ringtone buzzes on my phone and the hair on my hands stand up. We talked little this year, like the previous ones. Ever since he became the reliable doctor of the Raven castle, he's been even busier. He told me it was hectic, to look after his grandfather and step brother the entire day. I smiled and nodded and cheered him on. I told him to do his best and to concentrate better on his work. He seemed happy. Content. I felt sad, unwanted, not needed.
"I—I…I—…" the words are stuck in my throat as I break down while having a conversation with him. He has no idea how I've felt all these years because my bad habit of keeping a strong façade. He has no idea how much I've cried, how many nights I spent awake, how much I missed him…
He doesn't know a thing.
"What's wrong?" His voice echoes through the other side of the phone, I try to fake a laugh "Hah…ah…sore throat." I told him, it was close to midnight at his place and I didn't want him to stay up late, so I faked being busy and cut the call.
Ta…Takumi
How would it feel to address him with his first name in five years? I wonder as I stare at the ceiling, I managed to reach the hospital due to my recklessness. I feel so bad for making everyone worry. I should have been more careful with myself. I should have.
"Misaki? Are you up?" A voice echoes from outside my private room in the hospital. Its my mother. I can hear her talking over the phone. It must be dad. I decide to not speak anything.
"I see, well then, I'll let you know, Usui-kun." She speaks through the phone and I jolt up the moment I hear that name. U-Usui?
He could have called me instead.
Or could it be…that my mom called him!?
More tears.
How did this become an endless cycle?
Two weeks later, a text comes on my phone. Today is my graduation day. I check my phone and the message read:
"Happy Graduation day, Misaki~!
How are you?
We haven't talked for a long time."
Anger arose within me and I felt the sudden urge to throw this phone on the wall. I stare at it for a long time. This was two weeks after the hospital incident that Takumi sent me a pathetic message. Did he really not miss me? Does he even care anymore? How long will I keep on to this weak thread that we have? I don't know. My face falls and I type a few words and switch my phone off.
"I know, let's keep it that way."
We don't talk anymore.
We don't talk anymore,
And I'm fine with it now.
TAKUMI POV
We don't talk anymore.
We don't talk anymore.
We don't talk anymore like we used to.
I know, I'm the one at fault here.
But what else can I do?
I punch the bag harder leaving the gym instructor astonished. He stares at me blankly and I feel like punching him instead.
Its fucking hard for me. To endure. To stay detached. To ignore her.
I don't want to know what she's doing.
How she's being.
Who she's talking to.
Why? Because it'll drive me insane. The thought of her being so far away from me kills me already. Being not able to something about it gets me undone. I throw a few more kicks and punches till the punching bag drops down.
I move over to the other equipment as I try to release some more stress. It's fucking maddening to be stuck here—so away from her.
I restrain myself from talking to her much.
Why? Not because I want to, because I have to.
If I won't I know I'll go crazy. I've always been crazy jealous and possessive when it came to Ayuzawa. I don't understand how my mind and body works when I'm thinking of her. I'd go crazy with the pain and endurance.
When it gets too much, I text her back, or call her.
Its ridiculous, how much pain I put her through.
She should just leave me and move on with her life. I think bitterly, I know it must be hard on her. But it's the only way I'll be able to survive through this exile period. I can't fucking wait to be free from all the chains I'm bound to.
Then I'll be just me and her.
My hands and her body.
My kisses on her lips.
My touch on her skin.
I run a hand through my hair, she calls me a perverted alien for a reason, right?
Oh I'll show you how perverted I can be, Ayuzawa. I promise to myself. I won't spare her the moment I see her, I swear.
Here we go again.
I drag my palm over my face in frustration.
This is why I need to work hard.
This is why I need my grandfather and Gerard restored to proper health.
This is why I shouldn't talk to Ayuzawa much, even if it kills me.
It's not enough.
It's not enough.
It's not enough, I know.
But one day,
One day it will be.
Just you wait for me, Ayuzawa. I smile as I stare at her picture. I look in front at the other guys who were challenging me for a workout.
They're out of luck today.
Because by the time I'll be through with them, my pent up frustration will be gone, and so will their teeth.
I admit, this was pretty random, but it just clicked. How was it? I'm not sure if this is how it ends, I have another part planned, entitled "Enough" or something. I don't know yet. Let me know if I should write the second chapter or whatever.
I admit, the first part of this fic was pretty personal and something that I've felt and been through myself some time ago. I won't go deep into it, but I guess I was pretty stupid for a guy who didn't give a shit about me. Even after he moved out, to UK or something. Yeah, that's MissKireiUchiha for you guys, I've been fucking stupid and I've become fucking twisted and incapable of loving because of the similar reasons. Hell, I don't even know why I'm typing this into an author note. But whatever, I've been through a lot because of that. I was even depressed and numb for a long time. And to those of you who might be going through something similar, please. Don't let yourself drown for someone who wouldn't even pull you back to the shore. Talk to someone about it, resolve your feelings. Don't destroy yourself like I did. Talk. Share what you feel. And if you don't have anyone to talk to, I'm here for you. Because I know what it feels like, to have nobody.
Well, fuck me for such a random and personal footnote. Just let me know what you thought of whatever I wrote.
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