"So, Louise, explain why we're doing this again?" Dipper asked as he stood by a stall full of little cylinders of wood, in front of the Mystery Shack. "And why anyone would want to buy these."
"You mean you can't recognize the potential, Dipper?" Louise spread her short arms. "These, these are the greatest invention of the century: anti-wedgie sticks!"
The boy's eyebrows drooped. "Anti-wedgie sticks."
"Yes, that's what I said. They're gonna make me millions!" Louise spotted a man in a green hat and tank top passing by. "You, sir! You look like the kind of sad man who gets wedgies waaay too often; how's about you let me hook you up with the perfect product: the anti-wedgie stick!"
"Louise, this isn't gonna-"
"Shut your face! Sorry, sir, what can I put you down for?"
The man leaned over to look at the sticks. "What does it do?"
"Prevent wedgies, of course!"
"How?"
Louise's smile became ever so slightly strained. "Sir, I know you have a lot of questions, but there is a line you're holding up."
"There is?" The man looked behind him.
"There is?" Dipper was suddenly shoved out of the stall. "Ow, Louise!"
"Go be a line!"
The man turned back to Louise. "There is! Well, I don't want to keep him waiting!"
"What?" The girl stared as her customer turned and headed into the shop. "Wait, wait, what are you doing?! Offer ends today! Limited time only! Buy now or forever hold your peace!"
Dipper walked up to the stall and put a dollar on the table. "Hey, Louise, don't worry about making money. Grunkle Stan is paying us, remember?"
"Barely." Louise snatched the bill. "And don't give me your pity money!"
"Then, uh, can I have it back?"
"I don't get it." She laid her head on the table. "Usually I can get people to buy literally anything I sell, but this town is a complete bust!"
"No offense, but I don't think anyone would want to buy one of these." Dipper picked up one of the sticks, looking suspiciously at the fine polish and the crudely cut ends. "Where did you get these anyway?"
"Don't touch the merchandise!" Louise snapped, then returned to her mope. "I've met thick bricks in my lifetime, but these people are like reinforced concrete! With rebar!"
Before Dipper could respond he felt a hand grab his shoulder and turn him around face to face with a man in a blue mask. He yelped before realizing this man was actually Grunkle Stan.
The old man started laughing. Dipper heard a snort from behind, but when he turned around Louise was totally straightfaced.
"Hi, Grunkle Stan." Dipper sighed as his Grunkle began to cough.
"Ha, haha! Was worth it." He took off the mask and frowned. "What are you kids doing anyway?"
Louise groaned. "Trying to make money."
"With this junk?" Stan picked up one of the sticks. "Hey, it looks like the legs from those chairs I lost yesterday."
"Oh, that's a complete coincidence, Mr Pines, really."
"Hey, call me your Grunkle Stan. 'Mr Pines' is way too formal for family." He looked down at Louise. "What are these anyway, walking sticks for gnomes?"
"No, anti-wedgie sticks!" The girl protested. "I don't get why they aren't selling; random frivolous trinkets are totally in the lowest common denominator!"
Grunkle Stan snapped his finger. "Ah, kid, and there's your problem. You're not sinking low enough."
Dipper blinkled. "Wait, how does that make any sense-"
"You mean… cheap toilet humour?"
"Lower, kid."
Louise scratched her chin. "Using woman's bodies to sell products?"
"Lower!"
"Too good to be true offers that are actually too good to be true?"
"Bingo!" Stan leaned on his 8-ball cane. "Scams are what I make my living off of, and this town is so dumb they'll buy anything. Literally!"
"They'll buy anything?" Louise's evil grin was enough to make Dipper take a few steps back.
"Uh, Louise, what are you gonna do?"
"Oh, nothing." Louise backed up into the Mystery Shack. Dipper moved to follow but he was blocked by Stan.
"Hey, not so fast. You need to put these signs up in the woods."
"What? That's not fair!" Dipper crossed his arms. "You always pick me! Why not Louise?"
"You're closest."
"But-"
"No buts, kid. Get moving!" Stan dumped some signs into Dipper's hands and shoved him off. When the boy was gone he looked back at the sticks on the stall. "Hey, if I stuck a few of those together they'd make perfect replacements for my missing chairs. Where's Soos?"
