A/N: Here it is, the beginning of the parody for the second episode of Forever. Enjoy!
You can learn a lot from a body: how a life was lived, what was their pain, suffering, life experiences, even if they were loved. But what a body can't tell you is why. And for those left behind, that seems to be the only question that really matters.
Mike, Jo, Henry, and Lucas all were convened around a dead body in the morgue. It wasn't the place Mike or Jo wanted to spend the evening. It was worse for Mike, who disliked the odd medical examiner and his assistant. Still, Henry treated Jo well, and Jo had gotten close to him over the past week. Lucas was just... weird.
He ignored Lucas, who had a lopsided gin as he poked the brain of the deceased with his thumb. "Well, Doc, cause of death on this guy seems a bit obvious."
"I couldn't agree more. The manner of death was accidental."
"Got it," Lucas immediately went on note-taking mode.
"What?" Mike was taken aback. "The guy has an axe sticking out of his head, it's a homicide."
"Yeah, witnesses saw the victim and his neighbor arguing twenty minutes before his death," agreed Jo.
Lucas motioned to Henry. "Go ahead."
Henry started his analysis. "Alright, from his garb, we see he was an American football fan. I assume there was a game last night from all the commotion on my street. And from what I can gather, it was a rather raucous affair?"
"Yeah, it was. It was the Patriots versus the Broncos! Don't you watch television?"
"Ha! I'd rather watch two obese men wrestle each other while someone kicks a piece of sow hide around a field with fake grass at the same time as women parade around the sides and do silly dances in a show of exploitation, misogyny, fat-shaming, and tears."
"That's American football, Henry," replied Jo.
"Oh, well, I don't like sports in general anyway. Back to our victim. He was drunk, and probably thought the power outage we had last night was his satellite dish. So, our intoxicated friend here decides to act. From the stains on his knees, we know he was up on the roof. He carried the axe between his teeth, judging from the splinters on the enamel. The wear on his shoes suggests that he slipped and fell, a slight fracture of the L5 vertebrae would likely be due to falling on his back, and then gravity took care of the axe in the head. Not the most elegant way to go, but accidental nonetheless."
"Well, if it's the official cause of death, who am I to argue? I'm going to call it an early night, and see the kids before I go to bed." Mike and Jo turned and started to walk out.
"Detectives, this other one is quite suspicious."
"No, that one is a clear suicide. Witnesses saw her climb onto the ledge of the 59th Street Bridge and jump," Jo said.
"Hmm..."
"What?"
"You might want to take a look at this. There are paint chips under her fingernails. The paint is lead-based, which hasn't been used on that bridge since 1976. She dug deep enough to go through at least a dozen coats."
"Maybe she clawed her way to the edge."
"Or perhaps she was clinging for her life. Scuff marks suggest that she was struggling. Then there's the angle of fractures, starting with her big toe along with what remains of her tibia, suggests that she was facing the bridge at the moment of impact. I've never examined a jumper that goes backwards; it simply doesn't happen. This woman was murdered."
Lucas looked up from his notes. "Yeah, but maybe it was suicide and murder." The three looked at him quizzically. "Here's what happened."
She crawled out from the burning testing facility, barely alive. She hobbled along to the 59th Street Bridge. Gasping for breath from having escaped all those horrid, ruthless experiments they performed on her at the lab, she turned around to find her clone advancing upon her... with a knife.
The girl had no choice. She beat her clone's head against the sidewalk, blood and brains splashing everywhere. She murdered her own clone.
"WHAT HAVE I DONE?! YOU ANIMALS! YOU FILTHY ANIMALS!" She let out a shriek into the night sky, and did a sick backflip off the bridge to her death.
Henry, Jo, and Mike just stared at Lucas, mouths agape. "So, you see, she murdered her clone, and in doing so, committed suicide, then committed suicide again by backflipping off the bridge!" Lucas said, an accomplished grin on his face.
"That has got to be the stupidest analysis I have ever heard," said Jo. "Henry, I'll run the murder possibility by the Lieutenant. Good work."
"Wait, what?" Mike fumed, horrified that a person had been murdered and ruined his dinner plans. "She could've spun around backwards, she could have slipped and fallen... Jo, just because he says it was murder doesn't make it true."
"Yeah, but he hasn't been wrong yet," Jo replied. She walked out the door.
"Sorry to have ruined your evening, Detective," Henry said sarcastically.
