This is what happens when I'm awake at 3 am reading fanfiction. I can't help but apologise. I found one and it was just so hilarious that it inspired me to write this... Well, hope you like it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock.

Warning: Contains inappropriate language and suggestive (okay, maybe a little more than suggestive) themes but nothing explicit to the point of it being nothing but porn (it isn't porn). If anything, it's crack.

Message Received: 3:04 am, 18/07/2012: John, I want your gun. –SH

Message Sent: 3:06am, 18/07/2012: No. Sherlock, it's 3am. –JW

Message Received: 3:07am, 18/07/2012: Why not? –SH

Message Sent: 3:10am, 18/07/2012: Because I don't want you shooting holes in the wall at 3 in the MORNING! –JW

Message Received: 3:11am, 18/07/2012: I'm not going to shoot holes in the wall. I just want to suck on it ;) –SH

Message Sent: 3:12am, 18/07/2012: That emoticon worries me. –JW

Message Sent: 3:12am, 18/07/2012: Wait… you want to what? –JW

Message Received: 3:13am, 18/07/2012: I want to suck on your gun. –SH

Message Sent: 3:14am, 18/07/2012: Sherlock… you aren't going to do something dangerous, are you? – JW

Message Received: 3:15am, 18/07/2012: Only if you want it that way :D –SH

Message Sent: 3:16am, 18/07/2012: Why are you awake at 3am? –JW

Message Received: 3:17am, 18/07/2012: Because I want your gun. –SH

Message Sent: 3:19am, 18/07/2012: Are you high? –JW

Message Received: 3:20am, 18/07/2012: No… but one part of me is ;) –SH

Message Sent: 3:22am, 18/07/2012: Do you need me to take you to the hospital? –JW

Message Received: 3:23am, 18/07/2012: No. I do need my doctor though. Please give me your gun? –SH

Message Sent: 3:24am, 18/07/2012: You're using please now. I'm worried. –JW

Message Received: 3:25am, 18/07/2012: Then come check on me. –SH

Message Received: 3:25am, 18/07/2012: And bring your gun. –SH

Message Sent: 3:26am, 18/07/2012: I am not bringing my gun. –JW

Message Received: 3:27am, 18/07/2012: John… what is gun synonymous with? –SH

Message Sent: 3:26am, 18/07/2012: Firearm? –JW

Message Received: 3:27am, 18/07/2012: Slang-wise. –SH

Message Sent: 3:28am, 18/07/2012: Oh. –JW

Message Sent: 3:28am, 18/07/2012: Wow. –JW

Message Received: 3:29am, 18/07/2012: Now will you bring your gun? –SH

Message Sent: 3:30am, 18/07/2012: Sherlock, I'm not gay! –JW

Message Received: 3:31am, 18/07/2012: No, but you are bi –SH

Message Sent: 3:32am, 18/07/2012: No. –JW

Message Received: 3:33am, 18/07/2012: Please? –SH

Message Sent: 3:34am, 18/07/2012: No! –JW

Message Received: 3:35am, 18/07/2012: I promise not to bring another body and/or body parts into the flat for a week. –SH

Message Sent: 3:36am, 18/07/2012: Bargaining isn't going to change my preferences. –JW

Message Received: 3:37am, 18/07/2012: Two weeks? –SH

Message Sent: 3:38am, 18/07/2012: No. –JW

Message Received: 3:39am, 18/07/2012: But I need you! –SH

Message Sent: 3:40am, 18/07/2012: Goodnight Sherlock. Or good morning. Whichever.

Message Received: 3:41am, 18/07/2012: John? –SH

Message Received: 3:43am, 18/07/2012: John? –SH

Message Received: 4:05am, 18/07/2012: JOHN! –SH

Message Received: 4:07am, 18/07/2012: Come to my room. I need your opinion on something. –SH

Message Sent: 5:45am, 18/07/2012: What is it? –JW

Message Received: 5:46am, 18/07/2012: It's for an experiment. –SH

Message Sent: 5:47am, 18/07/2012: What sort of experiment? –JW

Message Received: 5:48am, 18/07/2012: An important one. –SH

Message Received: 6:15am, 18/07/2012: JOHN! Why did you run away? D: What did I do? –SH

Message Sent: 6:17am, 18/07/2012: YOU FUCKING TRIED TO JUMP ME! –JW

Message Received: 6:18am, 18/07/2012: I just wanted a cuddle –SH

Message Received: 6:19am, 18/07/2012: Please come back? –SH

Message Sent: 6:23am, 18/07/2012: No. Leave me alone. –JW

Message Received: 6:24am, 18/07/2012: But I love you! –SH

Message Sent: 6:25am, 18/07/2012: No you don't. –JW

Message Received: 6:25am, 18/07/2012: You're breaking my heart, John /3 –SH

Message Sent: 6:26am, 18/07/2012: I thought you didn't have one. –JW

Message Received: 6:27am, 18/07/2012: It only beats for you. –SH

Message Sent: 6:28am, 18/07/2012: Uh-huh. So Irene Adler was a heart attack? –JW

Message Received: 6:29am, 18/07/2012: My fascination with her was purely work-related. –SH

Message Sent: 6:30am, 18/07/2012: No it wasn't. –JW

Message Received: 6:31am, 18/07/2012: John! Why do you do this to me? I love you! –SH

Message Sent: 6:32am, 18/07/2012: WHY DO I FUCKING DO THIS TO YOU? LOOK WHO'S FUCKING TALKING MR FUCKING "ALL-THAT-MATTERS-TO-ME-IS-THE-WORK!" –JW

Message Received: 6:33am, 18/07/2012: John, please… I said that before I was sure of my feelings. I really do love you. –SH

Message Sent: 6:34am, 18/07/2012: Sherlock… -JW

Message Received: 6:35am, 18/07/2012: Please come home. I need a hug. –SH

Message Sent: 6:36am, 18/07/2012: Alright. –JW

Message Received: 6:37am, 18/07/2012: Yay! :D –SH

Message Received: 6:38am, 18/07/2012: P.S. I still want your gun ;D –SH

Message Sent: 6:39am, 18/07/2012: Oh god… -JW

Message Received: 6:40am, 18/07/2012: I'll do anything for you John –SH

Message Sent: 6:41am, 18/07/2012: Anything? –JW

Message Received: 6:42am, 18/07/2012: Anything. –SH

Message Sent: 6:43am, 18/07/2012: I'll be back in 5. –JW

Message Received: 6:44am, 18/07/2012: Hurry. –SH