from the works of Robert Creeley
Air: "The Love of a Woman"
The love of a woman
is the possibility
which surrounds her as hair
her head, as the love of her
follows and describes
her. But what if
they die, then there is
still the aura
left, left sadly, but
hovers in the air, surely,
where this had taken place?
Then sing, of her, of whom
it will be said, he
sang of her, it was the
song he made which made her
happy, so she lived.
Ada Elizondo walked the shoreline with easy strides. She loved the feel of the cold, soft sand under her feet. The beach had always been her refuge. Her solace in the sea of responsibilities, duties and the endless calls from her father and sisters in need of…something, anything, everything.
Ada felt the weight of the world she usually carried on her shoulders melt away with every step she took on the Lincoln shore. She loved the salty smell in the air, the breeze that played with her hair and the view of the horizon that promised a beautiful sunset.
She had spent the weekend at her favorite pet friendly inn with her best friend, Charlie. The Shih Tzu/Poodle mix had been her loyal friend for six years. He shared with her the delights and the sorrows she had lived over those years. Including the magnificent time spent with him four years ago and most definitely the blackness that overcame her later that year. The many nights she cried herself to sleep because of him, sure that her chest would burst from the pain.
Charlie was the one who, curled up on the couch with his head resting on her knee, gave her the greatest comfort he could offer, a consolatory sigh. He helped her surbive each day by the basic need of a walk and to be fed. He did not allow her to shrivel up and disappear like she wanted. She owed her best friend a lot so she rewarded him with frequent trips to the coast and visits to his favorite pet shop. So here they were again. She had finally emerged from the black, ready to move on. At least that's what she told herself every morning. It was her inner mantra. Get up, go out, move on.
However, as much as she felt she had left the worst of her sadness behind, she knew she could never forget him. She had put away every remnant of him from her apartment. She avoided saying his name. She avoided going to what have been their favorite places. But as much as she wanted to, she could not make the world disappear. His favorite song playing at a restaurant, his favorite movie playing on TV, his favorite cereal staring back at her in the supermarket aisle brought him back. Even her four legged friend betrayed her when he'd perk up at the sound of someone whistling on the street, as if he expected it to be him. Worst of all, she could not shut off her mind or rip him from her heart. He had left his mark, and even after four long years, she could not erase him. He was threaded into her being, and she couldn't tear him out.
So, as she sat on the rocks, looking out at the endless waves, she wondered where he was. What he was doing. Who he was with...this last thought making her cringe. To wonder, no...not wonder, to face the certainty that he HAD most likely moved onto someone else. After all this time, and being who he was, there was no way he was still single. Maybe even married. How she wished to see him just once more. To look into his amber eyes and feel once again like she was the only person in the world that mattered. Because that's how he made her feel. No one else ever looked at her that way.
'Stop this Ada!' she berated herself. 'There is no point in wanting what you can't have. YOU let him go, YOU broke his heart. Now move on. Move on!'
She had been doing so well. She couldn't allow herself the luxury of what if's, it was just too painful. Too dangerous.
With a hopeful heart she watched the sun disappear in the horizon. She took several shots of the sunset and of Charlie chasing waves and barking at seagulls before starting her walk back to the inn.
XXX
Ada returned to her room at around 8pm. She was hungry, but not enough to venture out to a restaurant by herself. After feeding Charlie his dinner, she decided a visit to the market down the street would be more agreeable than enduring the stares of restaurant patrons.
She walked with Charlie to the corner market and tied him to a post outside, silently praying he was there when she returned. She smiled, when a memory burst in of how he would ridicule her for being so overprotective of Charlie. He would say "Charlie is a big boy you know, he'll be fine". But then she would catch him walking back to the front of the store to make sure the 'big boy' was still there. He loved Charlie as much as she, and was equally protective of him if not more so.
Picking up a basket, she walked to the refrigerated isle. She picked up a tub of Greek yogurt and a quart of her favorite treat, Häagen Daz's Rum Raisin. She finished her food selection with fresh blueberries, which she was delighted to see on special. She could could certainly afford to buy blueberries, but her inane habit of seeking bargains at every turn made her giddy at getting ANYTHING on sale. She'd share her "thrifty" vintage purchases with her friends who would "oohh" and "aahh". Even her furry friend had been purchased at a discount. Her best sale purchase ever, hands down!
She made her way to the wine section and selected a chardonnay from the chilled section, basing her choice on the bottle color and label. She was no wine connoisseur so she figured if the bottle looked attractive, she would buy it. She had had found some treasures with that strategy. She picked up some rice crackers and headed to the register.
The young man at the register eyed her with curiosity and smiled. Ada had never thought herself a beauty, and she was sure, never would, however, the way this blue eyed, blonde, beach bum eyed her made her self-conscious to the point of blushing. This of course only made the ogling cashier smile more broadly. He asked if she was visiting. She replied with a shy 'yes'. He asked if she was enjoying her stay. She replied affirmatively again. He asked if she'd like to go to a local pub when his shift was over at 10pm, to enjoy the sounds of a local band he was friends with. She met his gaze whikerying ng to mask her shock, but after a few seconds of recovery, she politely thanked him but made excuses that since she was leaving early the next day, she needed to pack and wanted to turn in early.
He smiled again, with one eyebrow raised and full dimples. The expression made her want to reconsider, but then Charlie barked outside and she was brought back to her sanity. She paid for her purchases and left the store feeling much better than when she came in. She walked with a confident stride and relished the feel of the wind in her hair turning to smile at passersby. She made it back to her room, plated her snack, set up her favorite movie, North & South, and settled on the sofa with Charlie by her side.
Ada awoke to a black screen. After having indulged in two glasses of wine and half a pint of ice cream she had drifted off. She checked her phone, 1:35am. She got up, cleaned up and got ready for bed. After stopping by the couch to pick up her sleepy best friend, headed off to bed. She fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. She slept soundly but unfortunately not dreamlessly. She had the same dream she'd had for the past four years...always him.
Ada sat in her kitchen, elbows on the table, head in her hands. The family meeting she had just come from 10 minutes ago had left her reeling. Her father had finally done it. He had single handedly ended the work of many generations in less than 10 years. Well, not single-handed, for her sister, Eva had played an intricate part.
Mr. Shaw had informed them that the debts against the estate were so numerous, drastic measures had to be taken immediately. Their family home, the Wentworth Mansion, was to be leased to the City of Portland and become a tourist attraction in order to dig her father out of the hole he was in. Ada's grandfather had bequeathed the house with the stipulation that upon her mother's death, it would be passed onto her offspring. But her father had found a way to use the mansion as leverage and it was now in danger of being lost.
Ada had never seen the house as an inheritance, she saw in it what her mother saw, the legacy of many years of sweat and toil by her ancestors. The beauty her great grandfather captured with the sweeping terrace views of Portland, the city he loved. The same love that her mother had tried to instill in her and her sisters. Unfortunately, she was alone in this sentiment. When her mother passed away 10 years ago, the spendthrift ways of her father and sister threatened to leave the family's vast fortune in shambles. Her father and older sister used their family status to snub anyone they felt was beneath them, which was almost everyone, and squandered their funds as if there was a bottomless well.
Except now it was no longer just a threat but a reality. The upkeep of such an estate was too much, so on the advice of Mr. Shaw and her aunt, Esther Wentworth, her father had consented to leasing the mansion to the city for a sizable profit that would allow him to pay off his debts and invest some funds for his retirement. Nevermind the fact that the girl's portion of the inheritance would probably never be recovered.
Ada didn't care about the money. She had moved out of the mansion over three years ago and then purchased the music shop. Her father and sister had finally made life utterly unbearable. They had been outraged when she was hired by Adams & Finch Accounting Firm saying she was going to be the death of their family name. Who, that belonged to their "social circle", takes a job at an accounting firm! They demanded she quit immediately. Ada had stood her ground, realizing she had already sacrificed too much for her family.
Then, when a few months later they found out that she would be purchasing a music store, all hell broke loose! They screamed and ranted at her for a week. Every day she came home to insults and accusations thrown at her from every angle. She couldn't eat in peace, she couldn't think, couldn't breath. So, she did the one thing she should've done years before, she move out.
She found a decent one bedroom conversion on the upper floor of an old craftsman home in Arlington Heights. The house was owned by an older couple who were thrilled to have someone to share their unique style with. They were quirky but sweet. Ada moved in and finally enjoyed some silence. She loved coming home to her own place. It was fairly roomy, as it encompassed the entire upstairs of the home. It had one master suite, complete with washer and dryer in the master bath. The second room had been converted to a sitting room. It was south facing with a full wall of windows complete with a window seat. Ada was in heaven!
She spent her first winter there curled up on the window seat with a cup of tea and her favorite books, with Charlie for company. She realized that had she lived alone when he had been a part of her life, they would've probably never broken up. It was ironic that her sense of independence came AFTER he left, when it was too late to make a difference for them. However, she consoled herself by thinking he would've been proud of her for finally standing up to her family. She had lived in that upstairs haven for two years, until six months ago, when she bought her own condo on Glisan and NW 23rd.
She couldn't believe she had found such a place at such a price! Mr. Shaw had helped her enormously. He had secured the property for $20k under list price and had finagled to have all new appliances of her choosing as well as having the Brazilian hardwood floors refinished. The condo was on the ground floor, with two bedroom and one bath complete with a private patio. It was literally right around the corner to Nob Hill. She converted the second room to a music/library, having a book shelf built on one side wall carrying over to the threshold.
She had taken only one thing from the mansion besides her personal belongings; her mother's piano. Now it sat in her music room, and when she played it, she could feel the memories of her sweet mother bathe her senses.
She felt the apartment was laid out perfectly allowing for privacy in each room without feeling disconnected. She decided to move in and live in the space before deciding to make any changes. Little by little, she was going to have the renovations taken care of, beginning with her kitchen. It was to be hers completely. She could choose what she wanted, how she wanted. No input wanted or needed from her father, aunt or older sister!
Her brother in law, Michael, had suggested she renovate the kitchen, and she finally decided to do it. Alicia and Michael offered their home so she didn't have to live in dust for the three weeks it took for the project to be completed. She accepted for Charlie's sake and because she suspected her sister was lonely and wanted someone to chat with when Michael was away on business. The renovations were due to start tomorrow.
Mr. Shaw had just informed her the city's historic society would be viewing the house during the next week in order to asses any repairs or restorations needed. They would need a family representative to work with them and the chosen architectural firm to sort through the family pieces to be kept out of public view and oversee the areas chosen for public view and restoration. One would think this was something Eva and her father could do since Ada had her own business to run, but as always, it was sensible Ada to the rescue.
Not that she minded too much. She wanted to be the one to go through her mothers belongings and make sure the character of the mansion remained intact, just as her great grandparents would've wanted. Ada was to have final say in any additions or restorations. This should be fairly easy. Except she was now having to deal with redoing her kitchen as well as overseeing the mansion's changes. But, it was too late to call off the contractor for her apartment, and she didn't want to delay the work because that would mean more time spent at Alicia's. She loved her sister, but sometimes it felt like she was dealing with a needy toddler instead of a 24-year old woman.
She knew she had babied Alicia after her mother died. She had to, her father completely abandoned them focusing solely on himself and Eva. The two of them became even closer and Ada and Alicia were forgotten in the shuffle. Her aunt came to the rescue with much needed guidance, but she could never replace their loving mother.
Victoria Elizondo had been the perfect combination of mother and friend. She gained their trust, and then used that trust to help them make wise decisions. She disciplined with love never guilt or force. Her love was ever present with a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a squeeze of the hand. A constant reminder that she was there for them, always, no matter what.
Well, that was until cancer came and claimed her with no notice. Everything had happened so quickly. It was a matter of less than one year. She was well, then she was not, then she was dead. Ada was 17 when it happened. She had just graduated high school and was going to start college. Her father had insisted she stay close to home, if she was decided to go. So she enrolled at Portland State University.
Her mother had been so happy and proud. Then, within months, she was gone. She was diagnosed with Paget Disease of the Breast, given aggressive treatment which included a full mastectomy. However, after four months the doctor informed them the cancer had metastasized to other parts of the body. She was on stage five. There was nothing else to do.
So Ada spent the last week of August by her mothers bedside. She read to her, played her guitar for her, and talked to her. Her sisters would come and go, but Ada stayed. She only left when she was sure her mother would not wake to take a quick shower and bring some more reading material.
She slept and ate her meals on the chair by her mothers bedside. Lucia, their housekeeping tried to urge her away from the room after she noticed Ada's pale countenance and dark circles under her eyes, but Ada would not budge. Her father came in a few times, but he couldn't control his emotions and would leave after only being there five minutes.
Ada was there when her mother took her last breath. Holding her hand until her aunt came and physically removed her from the room. She cried herself to sleep that night. For the next week, she had to reign herself in because her father was a wreck! She managed the funeral arrangements, the guests paying their respects, the thank you notes for all the cards and flowers sent, and she managed Alicia.
College became her refuge. She busied herself with homework and extra projects. She tutored, volunteered, and spent most of her free time reading in front of the library. Even though she excelled in all her classes, she passed her college years in a fog. The grief of losing her mother always hovering over her.
Then just before graduation, a glimmer of light made it through. She felt herself coming alive again. He had cut through the fog. Then it was over and the fog returned, except this time it turned into blackness. Yet, she couldn't blame cancer for it, this time it had been all her.
Now, after eight years of grieving her mother and four years grieving her true love, Ada had learned how to rally. She got busy meeting with the Oregon Historic Society representative, who turned out to be Michael, conveniently enough. She spent two weeks running between her shop, the mansion and her condo. Directing, making decisions and playing referee between Eva and Alicia.
Neither of her sisters wanted the responsibility of getting the mansion ready to turn over to the City, however, they both had lots to say on the family possession to be left out for public view and those being stored. Not to mention the herloom pieces belonging to her mother. Ada was at her wits end by the second week. Thankfully, Mr. Shaw stepped in. He brought forth her mother's will once again, to remind everyone, mainly her sisters, of their mother's wishes.
Now all Ada had left was to meet with the representative of the architectural firm selected for the project. She was shocked, dumbfounded, grieved, when she saw the name of the firm on the paperwork, Avant Designs. It couldn't be! Of all the firms that existed in Portland, they had to pick his!?
She settled her nerves thinking there were plenty of architects in his firm. She would most likely be working with one of them, or at the very worst, with Parker. He would never seek her out again. He would not come back for this project.
She reminded her mantra over and over again and tried to believe the words. Mind over heart. But, the heart is a treacherous thing, which should never be trusted.
Thank you for reading, now if you would be kind and leave a review, I will be inmensely grateful :-)
